Around every eight weeks, I experience a 'depressive episode'. This normally lasts between 1 or 2 weeks. This has happened since I was 11, following a series of events, that I guess acted as the environmental cue for depression.Although these episodes are unbearable, I know that, with time they will pass. But this thread isn't about those, it's about the one week period following each episode, where I will experience feelings that are really difficult to put into words, but i'll try my best:
I will often feel very detached not only from my external environment but also from myself; both physically and mentally. I don't feel the 'heaviness' of existing/existence and often feel so physically light it's like I am 'floating'?.Sometimes hours of the day can go by and I won't remember what I was doing or what I was feeling or thinking, and then after really analysing it I will realise that I wasn't thinking or feeling anything, it's like for every thought that appears in my brain, someone will be pressing the 'skip' button before I can experience that thought in any depth or 'feel' emotions associated with it.
I feel disconnected and 'unreal' like I am not alive/ a physical being, and my family and teachers have often described me during these times as 'somewhere else' or 'not with it'. I can look in the mirror and not recognise myself which is terrifying but I lack any emotional capacity to react to it? for example. Someone can be talking to me and although I will be listening to what they are saying I will find it really hard to respond or concentrate on anything, like I am 'absent'. Nothing seems stable and everything seems fuzzy, light and blank.
I also feel very lost inside my own head, and scared of this absence of emotion and heaviness, and can't remember who I am or what I am?, and often feel like i am multiple people???.I will contrast this to the feelings i experience in a depressive episode: heavy, trapped, dark, to feelings in this one week period in comparison: weightless, nothing to hold onto, spacious, oblivious, blindingly light. I have also experienced hallucinations, and although these are rare i thought it would be a good to mention them.
During these times I find it really hard to write anything down, which is really difficult for me as I often find this as a useful coping mechanism, and also worrying as exams are coming up, where I will have to write 40 mark essays on the spot.
Also just worth mentioning that after this 2-3 week period (in total) I will feel completely 'normal' again, until the next episode.
Has anyone else experienced these symptoms?
Are these symptoms part and parcel of depression, or are they part of something else? If so, what?
I wanted to talk more about my symptoms (as haven't shared them with anyone) and have some idea about what I was experiencing before I make a visit to my GP.
Thank you for any replies and sorry this post is so long.
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Are these symptoms part and parcel of depression? watch
- Thread Starter
- 01-01-1970 02:00
- 27-03-2016 20:10
I can relate to the feeling of people speaking to me and I'm listening to what they're saying but I can't think of what to say back to them. This is partly why I don't have many friends as I find it hard to hold a conversation because the thoughts in my head are so distracting to concentrate on anything else. I haven't experienced hallucinations but I understand when you say you feel like you are emotionless. To be honest I'm tired of feeling like this. I went to my GP about a year ago this time last year and he prescribed me antidepressants. They didn't work and now I'm back to square one. I've dropped out of my first year of university and am now living at home again with my parents. I really don't know what to do with my life. All I want is to be happy. I'm going to go back to by GP this week and seek some sort of psychotherapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy.