I am a 27 year old mature student (decided on a career change). I grew up never seeing any affection between my parents until I was about 14/15 when they divorced and I saw what a 'normal' relationship looked like after my mother found another guy.
As a result, I grew up with a rather 'avoidant' attachment type personality. I didn't really understand people wanting to be close to me, I'd find it made me nervous, and I felt I'd be hurt if I let people too close. I wasn't too bad, but still as an adult I don't run after relationships or women. When single, I do crave that special person etc but I don't chase it.
I think I mostly grew out of my fear of allowing people to become close issue I had, and now I love nothing else more than laying on the sofa, holding my partner and feeling warm, safe and as if I am protecting her as we relax after work.
I do still however have anxieties I'd like to dicuss and would appreciate anyones advice/comments!
I'm not entirely sure how to handle relationships! I see how my friends do it and they seem to have jumped in head first, a lot of them are extremely affectionate, and often have moved in with each other within a year or so. In my past with girls I have been like this, but each time it has not gone well, so I learnt to take it slow, and to keep a bit of distance (again, due to fear of hurt). I have been with my current girlfriend for almost a year now, and I have been doing exactly as I described, keeping her at a slight emotional distance. I AM affectionate toward her (lots of kissing lovey dovey stuff!).. but I'm not sure whether to be more forward (allow her in more emotionally) or to keep it at the pace it's at. The latter seems to have worked well so far, we are doing really well! However, we will sometimes got a day or two without contact. This is because we both work demanding full time jobs, and sometimes get home and fall straight to sleep! I also think theres merit in this, as I think theres merit in taking these things slowly, however, I think it makes her worry. She doesn't explicitly state it does, but she's very closed off with verbalising her feelings. If we go more than a day without texting etc she will often text in a way which seems like she's been worrying a little and wants a little attention to feel better. Not in a needy way, just a reassuring way.
I've just been questioning whether I've been doing things well, or whether I need to do something differently? My lack of having affectionate parents etc have probably distorted the way I see relationships a bit, and I see some very nice couples texting and phoning every day. We never phone each other, we always text but that isn't due to a lack of not wanting to. Both of us prefer real contact than text or phoning. But maybe I should text her more? Maybe I should try to introduce phoning?
On average, we'll see each other twice a week, usually at weekends we'll do something and I'll stay till Monday morning when I'll drop her off at her work place. Maybe the long gap of a week should be split up by me suggesting something, or surprising her with something? Or does that sound like a health amount?
Will be very interested to read your replies thank you!
...for the 2nd time this year