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How do you help a friend with low self-esteem?
One of my best friends is constantly down on herself, she always makes self-deprecating remarks mainly about her appearance, weight and how everyone must think she's ugly, when we're alone or with some of our close friends in our group, thats all she talks about.
I'm really worried for her, she has practically no self-confidence, and always refuses to come out to clubs and parties with us and barely ever talks to guys. Her sister told us that she was bullied a lot as a child for being ginger and slightly plump which might have really damaged her self confidence,
She's actually not bad looking at all, and can look pretty when she makes an effort. We always try to make her feel better like tell her she's pretty or her hair looks nice and stuff, but she just thinks we're lying and brushes them off. I really can't think what we can do to make her feel better about herself
I'm really worried for her, she has practically no self-confidence, and always refuses to come out to clubs and parties with us and barely ever talks to guys. Her sister told us that she was bullied a lot as a child for being ginger and slightly plump which might have really damaged her self confidence,
She's actually not bad looking at all, and can look pretty when she makes an effort. We always try to make her feel better like tell her she's pretty or her hair looks nice and stuff, but she just thinks we're lying and brushes them off. I really can't think what we can do to make her feel better about herself
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Reply 1
I don't think it's a good idea to compliment her for the sake of it because she will always be able to tell and won't trust a word you say. Obviously, if you do admire something about her say so but not in response to her putting herself down.
You can't force her to go to clubs/chat to men if she doesn't feel like it, ask her what she would enjoy doing with you as friends as an environment like a club probably puts extra pressure on her what with the emphasis on looking good and pulling people.
I know from my own experience that there is nothing much anyone else can do to raise your opinion of yourself, self-confidence has to be developed by the person themselves through their own achievements. The best you can do for her is make sure she knows how loved she is and how much you value her as a friend, irrespective of what she looks like.
You can't force her to go to clubs/chat to men if she doesn't feel like it, ask her what she would enjoy doing with you as friends as an environment like a club probably puts extra pressure on her what with the emphasis on looking good and pulling people.
I know from my own experience that there is nothing much anyone else can do to raise your opinion of yourself, self-confidence has to be developed by the person themselves through their own achievements. The best you can do for her is make sure she knows how loved she is and how much you value her as a friend, irrespective of what she looks like.
Reply 2
Hey, I used to have a really low self esteem and Im not ginger or anything but I used to get picked on at school, kids say mean things and unfortunately it does stick with you through the rest of your life if you let it. One day I just woke up and thought, Im not gonna be miserable anymore, Im going to do something about it. So coz I had weight issues (with myself, nothing anyone else had said) I joined a gym and felt fantastic, I lost weight, next on my list was my hair. I went to the hairdressers told them I wanted a new look and told them to do whatever you want to me. I have never regretted it since. I feel fantastic now. Recommend a girly pampering day or night. Do facemasks and paint your nails. Maybe for her birthday or something pay for her to get some kind of treatment, hair, make up or massage. Anything you think will make her feel better 
Reply 3
She's not one of those girls who constantly sulks about how ugly they are to get attention is she? they annoy me muchly...
If it's a serious problem, she probably won't listen to you, if you say "no you arnt". If shes a bit weighty..offer to go to the gym with her or walk together, go shopping and get her some new clothes or something, make her feel happy so she can 'find herself'.
If it's a serious problem, she probably won't listen to you, if you say "no you arnt". If shes a bit weighty..offer to go to the gym with her or walk together, go shopping and get her some new clothes or something, make her feel happy so she can 'find herself'.
Reply 5
Actually it doesn't help her or you to say these things. You and friends feel down for her, and she actually believes what she's saying more and more.
There is a saying "If you repeat something to someone enough times they will begin to believe it". I think this holds true in these circumstances..
As for what you can actively do: try not to just say "Oh but you are pretty" as it just encourages attention. Suggest things you can actually do: or prove her worthiness somehow.
There is a saying "If you repeat something to someone enough times they will begin to believe it". I think this holds true in these circumstances..
As for what you can actively do: try not to just say "Oh but you are pretty" as it just encourages attention. Suggest things you can actually do: or prove her worthiness somehow.
Reply 6
do you know what homeboy or home gurl you need to get a picture of ugly betty and a picture of your low self esteem friend and go out on public and let people judge who is more uglier, and by that way your friend will get positive replies from other people and evantually she will snap out of this low self esteem thing
Warning! to get actual results from the experiment, experiment must be conducted more than once and use your own idea's to include a positive result (example, use more ugly pictures to the experiement)
Trust me it works i have experience
Lataz Lee
Warning! to get actual results from the experiment, experiment must be conducted more than once and use your own idea's to include a positive result (example, use more ugly pictures to the experiement)
Trust me it works i have experience
Lataz Lee
Reply 8
perkyDani
We always try to make her feel better like tell her she's pretty or her hair looks nice and stuff, but she just thinks we're lying and brushes them off. I really can't think what we can do to make her feel better about herself
But you are lying. You know what she means is "I can occasionally look pretty if I try, but I'm nothing compared to a lot of people who look better than me straight out of bed", and nothing will make her think that's not true - especially when she's right. Face it - ginger, plump people can look pretty, but that's it. They never purely aesthetically look stunning - it's not a good look. If she's genuinely unhappy for whatever reason, and she's not just going to accept the way she looks, get her to dye her hair and buy a load of new clothes and start a new exercise regime - don't just bull**** her with "aww you look nice today", actually help her to believe she looks nice, because you know as well as I do that the type of nice you're talking about and the type she's talking about are different.
You have to show her you understand. Fobbing her off with "no you look nice" is not actually helping her look any better, nor is it helping her think she does. She knows she doesn't look good, and really needs your support rather than your lies. A sympathetic ear is one thing, but frankly past a certain age most people just like to be told the cold hard truth so they can get on with their lives.
Reply 9
Wez
Stop complimenting her?
Next time she moans, retort with something along the lines of "If you really cared about that and thought you were so ugly, you wouldn't be saying that."
But then again that’s more of a guy thing to say.
Next time she moans, retort with something along the lines of "If you really cared about that and thought you were so ugly, you wouldn't be saying that."
But then again that’s more of a guy thing to say.
Principally because it makes no ****ing sense. We're good at that.
Reply 10
generalebriety
But you are lying. You know what she means is "I can occasionally look pretty if I try, but I'm nothing compared to a lot of people who look better than me straight out of bed", and nothing will make her think that's not true - especially when she's right. Face it - ginger, plump people can look pretty, but that's it. They never purely aesthetically look stunning - it's not a good look. If she's genuinely unhappy for whatever reason, and she's not just going to accept the way she looks, get her to dye her hair and buy a load of new clothes and start a new exercise regime - don't just bull**** her with "aww you look nice today", actually help her to believe she looks nice, because you know as well as I do that the type of nice you're talking about and the type she's talking about are different.
You have to show her you understand. Fobbing her off with "no you look nice" is not actually helping her look any better, nor is it helping her think she does. She knows she doesn't look good, and really needs your support rather than your lies. A sympathetic ear is one thing, but frankly past a certain age most people just like to be told the cold hard truth so they can get on with their lives.
You have to show her you understand. Fobbing her off with "no you look nice" is not actually helping her look any better, nor is it helping her think she does. She knows she doesn't look good, and really needs your support rather than your lies. A sympathetic ear is one thing, but frankly past a certain age most people just like to be told the cold hard truth so they can get on with their lives.
How can you state that like its a stone-set fact? Are you saying there are no beautiful redheads/gingers? and lots of plump girls can still be beautiful, some people actually prefer it to stick thin models.
Anyway, this is not the problem, she really isn't ugly at all, and she has a warped view of her own looks, I'm not lying when I pay her compliments either.
Reply 11
I have low self esteem and always think I look bad/fat/whatever and one of my friends doesn't seem to care at all so i think it's really sweet you've posted the thread asking what to do and how to make her feel better, shows you're a good friend.
Anyway, I guess when you compliment her and she doesn't believe you just try to change the subject and then randomly compliment her another time and until she starts listening to you or saying 'thanks' there's nothing much you can do apart from being there for her when she feels especially crappy and letting her know you care and she is beautiful and a great person, maybe even ask her what you can do to make her feel better because she might feel bad about herself for other reasons that aren't just physical.
Anyway, I guess when you compliment her and she doesn't believe you just try to change the subject and then randomly compliment her another time and until she starts listening to you or saying 'thanks' there's nothing much you can do apart from being there for her when she feels especially crappy and letting her know you care and she is beautiful and a great person, maybe even ask her what you can do to make her feel better because she might feel bad about herself for other reasons that aren't just physical.
Reply 12
say "ffs you have a lot to be grateful for. You're healthy. You look fine. You have opportunities to do what you want with your life. So you don't think you're kate moss? Big deal. Some people have real problems, don't be so shallow and sort out your priorities." Then show her pictures of people with horrendous disabilities and AIDS and things like that so she can appreciate herself a bit more. I know it sounds harsh but some people need a reality check. Ideally, I would like to be thin, beautiful etc etc etc. But, to be honest, I would sound like spoilt **** if that was the most important thing in my life.
Reply 13
Vampyrcorn
say "ffs you have a lot to be grateful for. You're healthy. You look fine. You have opportunities to do what you want with your life. So you don't think you're kate moss? Big deal. Some people have real problems, don't be so shallow and sort out your priorities." Then show her pictures of people with horrendous disabilities and AIDS and things like that so she can appreciate herself a bit more. I know it sounds harsh but some people need a reality check. Ideally, I would like to be thin, beautiful etc etc etc. But, to be honest, I would sound like spoilt **** if that was the most important thing in my life.
That is harsh but would probably work quite well, someone was complaing to me ages ago how they hate their life because a girl he fancied wouldn't talk to him and how terrible it was that his dad shouted at him once - i told him that at least his parents love him/his had lots of nice gfs/there's nothing wrong with him and he shouldn't want to die because he's healthy and clever etc... he had nothing to say back to that for once.
Reply 14
perkyDani
How can you state that like its a stone-set fact? Are you saying there are no beautiful redheads/gingers? and lots of plump girls can still be beautiful, some people actually prefer it to stick thin models.
Anyway, this is not the problem, she really isn't ugly at all, and she has a warped view of her own looks, I'm not lying when I pay her compliments either.
Anyway, this is not the problem, she really isn't ugly at all, and she has a warped view of her own looks, I'm not lying when I pay her compliments either.
I think you misunderstood what I said. A lot of plump girls can be beautiful to the right people, sure, as can ginger girls. My point is it's generally not a good look. Britney Spears wouldn't have got to fame so quickly if she was plump and ginger (though Ron Weasley's actor managed it). Think about it. You are thinking "don't worry, you're not ugly, there's plenty of people who'll find you attractive", but she is thinking "even when I look my best there are people who look better than me to more people". I'm ginger myself, and trust me, it's not what people want to see. There are people who find ginger guys and girls attractive, but they're few and far between, and that doesn't sound like what your friend is looking for.
Yellowmarshmellow
Anyway, I guess when you compliment her and she doesn't believe you just try to change the subject and then randomly compliment her another time and until she starts listening to you or saying 'thanks' there's nothing much you can do apart from being there for her when she feels especially crappy and letting her know you care and she is beautiful and a great person, maybe even ask her what you can do to make her feel better because she might feel bad about herself for other reasons that aren't just physical.
This is my point though. Words are a wonderful thing, but what if this isn't true and she knows it? Worse still, what if she knows it but the OP doesn't? Scars, birthmarks, moles, the list is endless... and frankly even if this isn't true, her obsession with her looks isn't going to go away if you just tell her there's no problem.
I'm not ruling out the possibility that there really is no problem at all here and she's absolutely beautiful, but more likely, there are actually things about her which she doesn't like and which compliments will not change. If it's her hair, go and get her to dye it. If it's her weight, go help her exercise. If it's something else, find out and try and help her get over it - not by telling her the problem isn't there, but by acknowledging that, however minor and insignificant it may be to you, the problem is there to her, and by trying to help her sort it.
Reply 15
Vampyrcorn
say "ffs you have a lot to be grateful for. You're healthy. You look fine. You have opportunities to do what you want with your life. So you don't think you're kate moss? Big deal. Some people have real problems, don't be so shallow and sort out your priorities." Then show her pictures of people with horrendous disabilities and AIDS and things like that so she can appreciate herself a bit more. I know it sounds harsh but some people need a reality check. Ideally, I would like to be thin, beautiful etc etc etc. But, to be honest, I would sound like spoilt **** if that was the most important thing in my life.
Yeah. Then shoot her in the face. "Got problems now, haven't you? Bitch."
The last thing the OP wants to do is make this girl even more insecure. She feels she has genuine problems, even if she doesn't, and she doesn't need to be made to feel selfish over them, otherwise it could easily turn into a complex.
Reply 16
I think your friend is actually you.
Reply 17
My self esteem problem has lead to other problems. My friend tried to make me see sense by inventing a hypothetical character with exactly the same issues as me. He knew that I would want her to get help for those issues so managed to get it into my head that I needed to get help. Don't know if this advice is any good but it helped me a little bit.
Reply 18
Why
I think your friend is actually you.
lol, sounds like something 5 year olds always do. I'm on a forum where no-one knows who I am, why the hell am I gonna bother to make up stories?
Also I'm half chinese, so very slight chance of me being ginger
Tell her the truth, I guess. It's what I do. I have a friend who's very insecure too and she's recently plucked up the courage to ask a guy out for a coffee (am very excited for her), but she needed a lot of encouragement, some pushing (she did request it) and she keeps ringing me to confirm that she's right/wrong etc. But what the heck, I like being able to help
Just tell her the truth - it's ok to be not the prettiest, looks do grow on people and as a joke, you could even say if she's really as bad-looking as she thinks she is, then at least the guys who go for her definitely likes her for who she is, which is 100 times better than guys who just want sex cus the lady's pretty
Point out good things in all the bad that she sees. Don't always compliment her. I have a reputation for being extremely blunt and I make it no secret what I really think - but because of that, people take my word for things.
Looks aren't everything - tell her how she's good at whatever subject she's doing, whatever talents she has, how she makes people feel etc. I tell my friend that sometimes, when she's convinced that she's not good at anything - I tell her that she's got more social skills than most people, she makes people feel welcomed and appreciated and relaxed, she's very approachable, bubbly and she's so hard-working that I find it admirable. She may think she's terrible academically, she may think she's not very sexy or pretty - but I basically try to make her see that those things aren't the most important of things and she's got a lot going for her And since she's not very confident academically, I tell her how she deserves her grades, and where she's got good grades, I congratulate her and make her realise that she deserves this.
Look, if your friend was oh-so-terrible, why do you care about her so, and why does she have so many good friends? So there must be something worthwhile about her. Sure, maybe she's no Catherine Zeta-Jones, but who cares? She's got more than that cus she's got a wonderful personality. And her not going out is fine - I don't go out either, don't like parties - clubbing environment may not be good for someone with low self-esteem. Take her out to dinner with a few friends and dress up then - that's a form of going out and socialising too. Then tell her how gorgeous she looks if you think she is. Like, my friend's recently changed her style of clothing and I make sure I tell her just how much more sexier and classier she looks, and I tell her how her necklace suits her, etc Oh, and take her out on shopping trips, maybe, play around with clothes and jewellery etc and tell her what suits her, what doesn't etc fun way or dressing her up, you see But yeh, don't force her and try to pressure her to go out - it's perfectly fine to stay in and read a book instead. If you keep making her feel like she should go out to parties even though she doesn't want it, it'll only make her feel worse about herself and feel that she's not normal or a bit of a geek or something. She's fine just as she is - that's the whole problem, after all, her not feeling like she's fine as she is. So if she wants to stay in, let her stay in. There're other ways of getting her out - put her in an environment she's actually comfortable in. She's already low in self-esteem - she needs an environment that she's comfortable in, not one she's alien to.
Sometimes telling her you have the same doubts about yourself may help too, so she doesn't feel like the only one, you know? I tell my friend that it's ok to be insecure sometimes, cus she keeps getting annoyed with herself for it - but hey, it's who she is and there's nothing wrong with it. She's a wonderful girl who needs a little push - but don't we all from time to time, eh?
Be patient and give the girl time - it's gonna be hard work, but these things take years, so keep at it She may or may not change, but I'm sure she appreciates it.
Just tell her the truth - it's ok to be not the prettiest, looks do grow on people and as a joke, you could even say if she's really as bad-looking as she thinks she is, then at least the guys who go for her definitely likes her for who she is, which is 100 times better than guys who just want sex cus the lady's pretty
Point out good things in all the bad that she sees. Don't always compliment her. I have a reputation for being extremely blunt and I make it no secret what I really think - but because of that, people take my word for things. Looks aren't everything - tell her how she's good at whatever subject she's doing, whatever talents she has, how she makes people feel etc. I tell my friend that sometimes, when she's convinced that she's not good at anything - I tell her that she's got more social skills than most people, she makes people feel welcomed and appreciated and relaxed, she's very approachable, bubbly and she's so hard-working that I find it admirable. She may think she's terrible academically, she may think she's not very sexy or pretty - but I basically try to make her see that those things aren't the most important of things and she's got a lot going for her
And since she's not very confident academically, I tell her how she deserves her grades, and where she's got good grades, I congratulate her and make her realise that she deserves this.Look, if your friend was oh-so-terrible, why do you care about her so, and why does she have so many good friends?
So there must be something worthwhile about her. Sure, maybe she's no Catherine Zeta-Jones, but who cares? She's got more than that cus she's got a wonderful personality. And her not going out is fine - I don't go out either, don't like parties - clubbing environment may not be good for someone with low self-esteem. Take her out to dinner with a few friends and dress up then - that's a form of going out and socialising too. Then tell her how gorgeous she looks if you think she is. Like, my friend's recently changed her style of clothing and I make sure I tell her just how much more sexier and classier she looks, and I tell her how her necklace suits her, etc Oh, and take her out on shopping trips, maybe, play around with clothes and jewellery etc and tell her what suits her, what doesn't etc fun way or dressing her up, you see But yeh, don't force her and try to pressure her to go out - it's perfectly fine to stay in and read a book instead. If you keep making her feel like she should go out to parties even though she doesn't want it, it'll only make her feel worse about herself and feel that she's not normal or a bit of a geek or something. She's fine just as she is - that's the whole problem, after all, her not feeling like she's fine as she is. So if she wants to stay in, let her stay in. There're other ways of getting her out - put her in an environment she's actually comfortable in. She's already low in self-esteem - she needs an environment that she's comfortable in, not one she's alien to.Sometimes telling her you have the same doubts about yourself may help too, so she doesn't feel like the only one, you know? I tell my friend that it's ok to be insecure sometimes, cus she keeps getting annoyed with herself for it - but hey, it's who she is and there's nothing wrong with it. She's a wonderful girl who needs a little push - but don't we all from time to time, eh?
Be patient and give the girl time - it's gonna be hard work, but these things take years, so keep at it
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