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Being sociable - when taking into consideration psychology

First of all I'd like to point out that if there are any psychology students, please write a post based on what you were taught at university - and at the same time pardon my arrogance.
Why some people do avoid social situations/meetings/even closer contact - by which I mean touching hand, hugging etc..?
Are there any terms for this?
Some people want to have closer contact with other people, who they like in any way, but they just run way when the possibility for deeper relation come up. How come ? Is it shyness, feature of a character or maybe some kind of disorder ?
I find it very distarbing; lately I've been thinking about it a lot, and I came to conclusion that I have very serious problem. The thing is, since I remeber I've been avoiding social things; proms, balls, graduation ceremony, even birthdays of my best friend, dates, some meetings with people from my class the list goes on...It's not the point that I didn't want to, there was just something that held me back... The thing is - I don't know what am I afaird of. I could have really beautiful social life, I am invited for many things, I can say that I am attractive, have things to say and generally speaking people like me, my personality, but still when they approach I push them away.
Very often I catch myself on thinking : "I don't need anybody, everybody's usless" etc.. I don't think like this in real... but sometimes I say so, maybe out of being arrogant, or something like this. I don't wanna it to be like this. I feel that I should stop this ridiculous thing. I know that I am the only person that can take myself out of this. Maybe it's kind of fobia. Sometiems I think that I don't deserve to be happy - there is always something waiting to be done: first exams, than waiting for the results and the list goes on.... it's unfair, but I can see that my mother also has an impact on this - she often says - there will be time for it after exams, or when you will get to university etc..
I decided to fight with it, cuz I know that only I can help myself. May I add that the only places that I go are: church & supermarket & school. Yes, I know that's pathetic. I also go there with my mother. She started seeing it as a problem too and tells me to go out, meet with people...
I also start to feel bad that I am all the time sitting at home - btw - I am 18.
I sent today a message to this guy that wanted to meet with me couple of months ago, but I was too afraid that made up some stories, but he still kept on chatting with me, till I told him that I am gonna to cut this contact off. But he still didn't gave up. I just sent him a message 'let's meet up', he didn't answer yet, he's offline. If I wanna start to help myself, I should do it, meet with him for a start. The thing is, I afraid that if he comes online today too late, or tomorrow or not gonna naswer at all, the fear will come to voice and I will do everything wrong.... Cuz I'll tell him that I changed my mind etc... It also has to be relatively early, cuz I might change my mind even in bus. It's so horrible. I feel that I feel hurt people by this behaviour, cuz I am showing them some part of me, tossing with it, showing my good sides, but when they wanna meet up, or they wanna something more, I am running away. All my life, I am running away. If you have any comments, advice, any views on it, please write.

Reply 1

Ywiss

15

I'm sorry you're feeling like this :frown:

I have to admit, I'm not a Psychology student per se, but I am doing Psychology A-level and I just feel for your situation.

It sounds as if you'd like to get close to people, but when you get the opportunity to get close to people, you get scared and run away. Please correct me if that's wrong. Is that how you feel generally?

At first I thought you might have some sort of social phobia, but it doesn't sound as if you experience intense anxiety in social situations - do you get panic attacks, or start feeling a really intense sense of dread, or your heart rate goes up, etc, anything like that - when you're in social situations?

If that isn't the case - then I think it's purely a cognitive thing which you have to get over. Can you think of any reasons why you're frightened of getting close to people? Have you been hurt before in the past by someone close? Are you close to your parents or your siblings? Do you have any close friends (i.e. not just friends, but people you can really, really talk about your feelings to)?

Reply 2

Lara C.

3

i just skim read your post as it was huge lol.

NO there is nothign wrong with you, you are most likely an introvert. as i am also. i did the whole of sixth form, knew loads of people and got on with them well, yet not for a split second did i consider going to the prom.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch read this, you do not need to ellicit all of the behaviours listed, when you read it if it 'feels' like you then it is.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

It sounds as if you'd like to get close to people, but when you get the opportunity to get close to people, you get scared and run away. Please correct me if that's wrong. Is that how you feel generally?

Yes, that's exactly, how I feel.
I don't have any panic attacks, or anything similar.
The thing is - I don't know what am I afraid of. At school sometimes, I just had the need to go out and just go for a while to loo, to be away from people, their talkings etc.. I just wanted to be alone for a while. In fact in loo I was feeling better, cuz nobody was there, I was alone. - I'd like to know what are the basis for this, I know that everybody likes to be alone from time to time, but the fact that it worries me speaks for itself. I know that I have a problem. It's not that I am introvert - it's another thing, but there is diffrence between being introvert and not be able to go out - although you want to.
And as for my prom - I had the person to go with, I had dress, when others were practicing the national dance at sports lesson, I was sitting and pretenind that I dont' care - but when they started dancing, the music, all that atmosphere, I was feeling really horrible. I was pushing back the thoughs which were hard to stop : "Why are you not going to tha prom, you want it, you know, other girls, struggle to find a parenter to go with, don't have dress, you have it all and you're not going". I was feeling really down because of it, but on the other hand I had a strange feeling like if - I can't go, it's not for me, I don't have right for it. Even my mother encouraged me, everybody encouraged me, still I couldn't make it.

I have two very good friends, one is from the interent - but we met for one week before, and it is really great relation, because we speak about everything, without faked shame or plastic things. Another friend I've been known whole my life, and she is very supportive too.
So it's not the case, that I can't make friends.

I found in the internet quite nice article about social disorder - I've highlihted the words that best refer to my case:

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years.

I didn't highlight the middle part, cuz I don't think that I can relate to this, or I don't know yet that these are the things that I am afraid of. However, the hihgligted passage best desribes what I feel.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

It didn't highlight it so I will just pasle the things that I can relate to:

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere

And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years.

Reply 5

Hanzing

13

Well, I dont know If im going to be able to provide the amazing Psychology perspective, But ill try.

Alot of what you said does seem to point towards some social or even personality disorder. Because its not as if you dont want to go out, But somehow you feel inhibited, Why do you think your so scared of going to things when It comes down to going? Are you worried of what others may think of you, If there judging you, or just that you worry how you present yourself.

Generally in life how do you cope with criticism? For example in school etc do you take it quite badly?

Some people can suffer avoidant type personality behaviours which lead to social inhibtion and feeling inadequate and hiding away. You may stay at home because home is safe and secure, and predictable. Sometimes going out we let ourselves into unpredictable, unplannable scenarios.
Also what your mother says "They'll always be time for it after this and that" Do you ever feel guilty when your planning to go out? Maybe because what your mother says your alwasy waiting till after these events but then either dont feel like you should, or you build up the anticipation so much you worry it wont live up to expectations?

Anyway.. I've rambled long enough! Hopefully some of that may make sense.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Thank you very much Hanzing, your post gave me to think.

Why do you think your so scared of going to things when It comes down to going? Are you worried of what others may think of you, If there judging you, or just that you worry how you present yourself.

The thing is - I don't know what am I scared of - and I am fairly sure that these are not the things that you listed - and which are very common when it comes to social disorder. Lately I was thinking that I am simply afraid of boys, and that is my main problem - but it's not, it's a social thing.

I also don't care what others might think about me... I am quite eccentric.

I found on the interent that about in 90% (!!!!) of cases social disorders are wrong diagnosed as shizophrenia (in shizophrenia there is that thing that people think that others are watching them, so I guess that's why), all kinds of disorders, and mentioned by you avoidant disorder. Not so long ago I made a disorder test - on the internet, but it was quite occurate, and it turned out that I have schizoid disorder - but there is aswell a schizoid personality, so maybe I should link my social things with this fact.

Generally in life how do you cope with criticism? For example in school etc do you take it quite badly?

When it comes to criticism, I used to take it wrongly, now from what I can see I put on the mask, that I don't care. Also I have quite strange approach towards it - like when somebody for example most trivial - at sports lesson, when teacher tells me that I do something wrong I say: "I know", then I start to do it the right way, but still unconciously I keep doing the same pattern. Like If I found out that I am doing something wrong I take myself out of it by saying "I know" - or sometimes "okay", but I am keep on doing the same thing. Maybe it's something totally opposite what I was doing when being a child - when I took everything very emotionally and every pinch of criticism was something 'big'. I am not even sure if it's like this now too and I just try to mask it.

You may stay at home because home is safe and secure, and predictable. Sometimes going out we let ourselves into unpredictable, unplannable scenarios.

There is something about it, home seems like a very safe place for me and being with my mother too. I feel safe then.

Maybe because what your mother says your alwasy waiting till after these events but then either dont feel like you should, or you build up the anticipation so much you worry it wont live up to expectations?

It's quite propable, I feel guilty, hmm maybe even immoral, not like a good child... I feel that I can't just go out like this, that I can't, that maybe something bad might happen? I don't know.

Reply 7

Lara C.

3

its no disorder, you are an introvert. why doesnt anybody listen, its very common, and its a gift. do some research.

Reply 8

Custer

1

Anonymous

First of all I'd like to point out that if there are any psychology students, please write a post based on what you were taught at university - and at the same time pardon my arrogance.
Why some people do avoid social situations/meetings/even closer contact - by which I mean touching hand, hugging etc..?
Are there any terms for this?
Some people want to have closer contact with other people, who they like in any way, but they just run way when the possibility for deeper relation come up. How come ? Is it shyness, feature of a character or maybe some kind of disorder ?
I find it very distarbing; lately I've been thinking about it a lot, and I came to conclusion that I have very serious problem. The thing is, since I remeber I've been avoiding social things; proms, balls, graduation ceremony, even birthdays of my best friend, dates, some meetings with people from my class the list goes on...It's not the point that I didn't want to, there was just something that held me back... The thing is - I don't know what am I afaird of. I could have really beautiful social life, I am invited for many things, I can say that I am attractive, have things to say and generally speaking people like me, my personality, but still when they approach I push them away.
Very often I catch myself on thinking : "I don't need anybody, everybody's usless" etc.. I don't think like this in real... but sometimes I say so, maybe out of being arrogant, or something like this. I don't wanna it to be like this. I feel that I should stop this ridiculous thing. I know that I am the only person that can take myself out of this. Maybe it's kind of fobia. Sometiems I think that I don't deserve to be happy - there is always something waiting to be done: first exams, than waiting for the results and the list goes on.... it's unfair, but I can see that my mother also has an impact on this - she often says - there will be time for it after exams, or when you will get to university etc..
I decided to fight with it, cuz I know that only I can help myself. May I add that the only places that I go are: church & supermarket & school. Yes, I know that's pathetic. I also go there with my mother. She started seeing it as a problem too and tells me to go out, meet with people...
I also start to feel bad that I am all the time sitting at home - btw - I am 18.
I sent today a message to this guy that wanted to meet with me couple of months ago, but I was too afraid that made up some stories, but he still kept on chatting with me, till I told him that I am gonna to cut this contact off. But he still didn't gave up. I just sent him a message 'let's meet up', he didn't answer yet, he's offline. If I wanna start to help myself, I should do it, meet with him for a start. The thing is, I afraid that if he comes online today too late, or tomorrow or not gonna naswer at all, the fear will come to voice and I will do everything wrong.... Cuz I'll tell him that I changed my mind etc... It also has to be relatively early, cuz I might change my mind even in bus. It's so horrible. I feel that I feel hurt people by this behaviour, cuz I am showing them some part of me, tossing with it, showing my good sides, but when they wanna meet up, or they wanna something more, I am running away. All my life, I am running away. If you have any comments, advice, any views on it, please write.

Hmmm, these are clear symptoms of a maladaptive Oedipus complex, book an appointment with your local psychoanalyst immediately.

joke, lol

Reply 9

Ywiss

15

kastro9

Hmmm, these are clear symptoms of a maladaptive Oedipus complex, book an appointment with your local psychoanalyst immediately.

joke, lol

Hilaaaaaarious.

Reply 10

Lara C.

3

Ywiss

Hilaaaaaarious.

lol, im actually sad enough to know what that means.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

its no disorder, you are an introvert. why doesnt anybody listen, its very common, and its a gift. do some research.

Being introvert/extrovert is a diffrent case - people can accept it, it's a normal feature of character, the basic clasificassion. But when somebody can't accept this situation that one is in, see that it casuses problems and can't really deal with it - then there's where it's another issue than just classyfying introvert/extrovert. Introvert people can accept it, dont' feel bad with it. I am introvert, but still it doesn't change the fact that I have a problem, which cannot be just defined by those two narrow words.

Reply 12

Lara C.

3

Anonymous

Being introvert/extrovert is a diffrent case - people can accept it, it's a normal feature of character, the basic clasificassion. But when somebody can't accept this situation that one is in, see that it casuses problems and can't really deal with it - then there's where it's another issue than just classyfying introvert/extrovert. Introvert people can accept it, dont' feel bad with it. I am introvert, but still it doesn't change the fact that I have a problem, which cannot be just defined by those two narrow words.

i used to think i had a problem, i thought it was my fault and i had to do something to get me out of it. at first i thought it was cause i used to spend alot of time as a kid making things, then i blamed it on exercising too much in early teens, then i thought it was cause id never had a gf before. all the time i was seriously concerned cause i viewed it as a handy cap and thought my quality of life would drastically suffer. i DID want to like being sociable, and i DO want to like little gestures, and somtimes i used to get that feeling when you used to lose yoru mum in a supermarket and couldnt find her, when people would be going out and i resisted from going with them.
now ive come to terms with it and it still bothers me a little, but i know im just never goign to enjoy aimless, objectionless conversations and "good gestures". i view it as a gift that i can prosper on my own and thats where im happy being.

when i read this it felt just like i used to, so it was only reasonable i suggest she is an introvert as ive experienced something very similar.

Reply 13

Hanzing

13

Dac_10

lol, im actually sad enough to know what that means.

Heeey! I know what that means,and I rock :smile:

I found on the interent that about in 90% (!!!!) of cases social disorders are wrong diagnosed as shizophrenia (in shizophrenia there is that thing that people think that others are watching them, so I guess that's why), all kinds of disorders, and mentioned by you avoidant disorder. Not so long ago I made a disorder test - on the internet, but it was quite occurate, and it turned out that I have schizoid disorder - but there is aswell a schizoid personality, so maybe I should link my social things with this fact.

The main problem with the misdiagnosis thing is that there are three main eccentric personality disorders Paranoid, Schizoid and Schizotypal and because the last two especially have some schizophrenia similar traits people can get misdiagnosed. But be assured they are not schizophrenia :smile:

Schizoid personality tends to describe someone who is detached, socially clumsy, restrcited range of feelings.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

Yes, that's what I have.

Reply 15

Lara C.

3

if this "problem" is so serious maybe you should see a psychiatrist instead of asking a load of students who are just regurgatating what they learnt in the class room :P

Reply 16

Ywiss

15

Dac_10

lol, im actually sad enough to know what that means.

What, the word "hilarious"?

:rolleyes:

Reply 17

Hanzing

13

Dac_10

if this "problem" is so serious maybe you should see a psychiatrist instead of asking a load of students who are just regurgatating what they learnt in the class room :P

Hey, I also read some of that in books!
One Day, Whne Im a world renowed Psychiatrist.. Well. Thats it really.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

OP

Hi,
I though that I will let you know how am I doing - I took all the powers together and I met with that guy from the internet - after a year of chatting together. I must say, that I am very VERY VERY glad that I made it, it was such a relief for me. I FINALLY MADE IT ! After this meeting was finished, I was so having a feeling that I can't define; I don't know wheter it was happiness or anger, frustration WHATEVER - but afterwards I felt like going to my best friend's house, just to tell her to not ask about anything, telling her to hug me and ask for a shoulder to cry on.
However, then (after 2 days) I felt so so so good, really. I made this first step and ... I am proud of myself. I wanna cure myself. I KNOW - that it will be very very long process, that I have a long way ahead of me... and that there are many matters to deal with, but I am happy that I made it, really.

This guy - asked me wheter I'd like to meet him once again... and he told that maybe next week? I said that it's ok. I don't wanna a relationship, maybe I am still to scared, but I wanna help myself, that's all.

Today though I was about to go to party that I've been invated to, but I couldn't make it YET. I would like to go and be there NOW, but I can't make this yet.. it's too much yet. I need more time, more steps to make, before I will be able to go to proper party, disco, whatever... although I'd love to. I just have to face more and more social situations to feel free...

Reply 19

Lara C.

3

good for you.

is it me or does anybody else get the impression that theres a group of folks purposely making such threads with common teen problems and how they got out of it, in an attempt to help others deal with related problems? or am i being suspicous, or is this extrememly controverisal?

Being sociable - when taking into consideration psychology

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