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Possible to love two people at once

Let me begin by explainging my anon posting - firstly i do not wish to be judged personally for what i am about to write - i do not want my other posts to be judged because of what i say here,
and secondly just in case someone on here knows me in the real world.

Ok. The basics. I was with a guy for nearly two years. I loved him. He loved me. He fell out of love with me and in love with my best friend - who also liked him back. We split up and it was fairly messy due to both of them keeping their feelings for each other from me and me guessing this - they had admitted their feelings to each other whilst i was still in a relationship with this guy.
This obviously was hard for me and I was heartbroken for months as i'd lost a partner and a best friend - we no longer hung out for obvious reasons.

I then fell for a guy (ironically the previous guys friend) and we started dating and soon realised that our feelings were a lot deeper and we realised we were in love. I am still with this guy a year and a half or so later.

But i have an admission to make. I still think about my ex all the time. Every day. He's still in my dreams, any mention of his name makes my heart thud and i generally still think i have feelings for him.

This was bearable to begin with as i know that i love my current boyf and i think we have a lifelong future together and that has always outweighed any niggling feelings for my ex.

Then a little while ago my ex broke up with his girlfriend (the one we'd split up for), now that was her choice and he was upset about it and he needed some friends. Over the past year or so i'd only been in vague contact with him but then we started talking more - and him with my boyf.

We recently (us 3) met up and had a great time together. BUT whilst sitting on the sofa with my ex (my boyf was playing a wii) my ex squeezed my hand. now that sounds stupid. but he did and he smiled then winked at me.

due to my boyf having to cancel plans at the last minute i ended up with my ex for the day today whilst my boyf worked and we got on well.

i am really rather confused. I love my boyf. My ex is just an ex but he does give me butterflies - now im not sure whether it's just because he is paying me attention or just because we have a past or whether it's some small crush or if i should be worried.

Don't get me wrong i don't want to leave my current boyfriend and i love him.
But i used to love this other guy. Could i still love him? Is it possible for me to love them both? If it is do you have any suggestions?

I think i'm wisest to stay with my boyf - ignore any other feelings and enjoy my happy relationship that i've got.

sorry for the rant. any thoughts?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Actually, I have a rather similar situation. I was in love with my best friend (I'm a guy, and she a girl) and we never really dated or anything at all, but we hung out almost all the time and I was sure she was in love with me too, but she's a ballerina and she went off to a performing arts school.

Basically it was like breaking up, because she was so busy there and we just didn't have time for each other anymore.

Then, 6 months later, I met my fiancee. She's the most wonderful woman I have ever met, and I love her so much. We have a real future together, and we're both going on to Med School and going to become doctors, but whenever I talk to my ex-best friend, Sophie, I feel that love come back and I think about her all the time.

It makes me feel terribly guilty for my fiancee, but I've made my peace with the fact that the relationship I had with Sophie was wonderful and I just want to return to the past, (I don't know if you've read F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel The Great Gatsby, but if you have, its like when Jay Gatsby wants to hold onto his relationship with Daisy, despite her being married to Tom Buchanan)

I think we're just trying to hold onto the past, even though we're both in wonderful presents.

I try to let go of the past and focus on my present and future, that's the best advice I can give

Reply 2

Custer

Anonymous

Could i still love him? Is it possible for me to love them both? If it is do you have any suggestions?

Sounds like your confused about the difference between love and sexual desire.

Reply 3

Logan

its lust

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

I disagree that you're blurring the lines there, I think you know the difference, so don't feel condescended by the above persons. I think its really just a longing for the past, thats what it is in me anyway, perhaps even a pinch of wanting what I can't have.

Reply 5

sweetcandygirl

My opinion- stick with your boyfriend and ignore your feelings towards ex. Theres nothing wrong with having a few crushes whilst you're in a relationship, as long as you don't act on them. Having said that, you can only do this if you trust yourself 100% to never be with your ex ever again...

If this isn't the case then you'll be wasting everyones time until you dump your bf and rekindle that old flame. I'm afraid I don't think you can have both.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

I do know the difference between lust and love - i was with the first guy for ages and my current boyf have been together for ages - therefore i do know that i loved/love them.
i am worried that i may still love my ex - or just love what we had or something.

Anon 2 - i don't think i'm wanting what i can't have at all. what i want is to not have these other feelings. i dont want to split up with my boyf or cheat on him. I'm not even sure i want the past back as our relationship was far from simple.
I'm glad you understand where i'm coming from though.

so is it possible to love and i mean properly love more than one person at the same time?

Reply 7

Schmokie Dragon

I am completely convinced that human beings can indeed love more than one person. Can anyone point out which mechanism in our bodies ensures that we only have these feelings for one person?

There are many people in our lives that we love truly and dearly; partners, friends, parents, siblings etc. Where does one type of love end and another begin? Love is a fluid thing. It cannot be categorised, restricted or forced. What happens happens, and the only choice you have is how you act in response to it.

There have been times in my life when I have been convinced that I love more than one man, and times in my life when my love for someone else close to me has taken on the same breathless, passionate form as the love for a partner (but without the wanting to settle down and have lots of babies.). I once had a dream about my horse being hurt by someone and I woke up feeling as though I had just heard that my boyfriend had been hurt. Clearly, I do not want to have sex with my horse. That is beyond foul. But I love him, deeply, and thinking of something bad happening to him makes me as weak and fearful as thinking of something bad happening to a lover.

So, yes, I firmly believe that love is not a simple as types and numbers. There is no authority that says you must feel X for your parents, only love Y number of people in a certain way and have Z love for your partner. The whole thing is too wild and mutable for that.

(But just to reassure my angel, he is the only man I love and I will not betray him. Ever.)

Reply 8

Tufts

OP your ex sounds like a dick. He's on the rebound and looking for some action to make himself feel better.

I say, whilst you are feeling so confused, you should cease contact with him and focus on your boyfriend ^_^

Reply 9

sweetface.

It possible to be in love with two people at the same time, as long as your not dating one of them. Or you are dating both of them at the same time, then it's just so wrong.

Reply 10

~TPM~

Reply 11

Beckifoxall

the same thing happend to me, with my ex sayig he still loves me, but the fact that he hurt me so much and left me for another girl diminished all the trust and respect i had for him!

stay with your current boyfriend! i have been with my boyfriend just 5 months but it has made my life a whole lot better!

i think it is possible to love to people at once, but stay with your boyfriend! i found that no contact with my ex was the best way to get over him!

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

I like what was said about loving more than one person.
I do feel like I love both of them.
I don't want to be in a relationship with my ex due to me not feeling I can rely on him - as last time he mucked up.

My current partner is everything i could ever want and i feel so guilty that I have feelings for 2 people. I tell my current boyf practically everything yet i don't want to hurt him by explaining that i have feelings for my ex - let alone that i may still love him. And it's horrible being worried about something but not daring to tell anyone except anonymously though this helping (thanks btw).

I don't want people to think I'm a bad person - i'm not, i wouldn't purposely ever do anything to hurt anyone - especially not my current partner and yet i feel as though im emotionally betraying him.

My current boyf and i met up with my ex as a group and afterward my boyf said - you don't like him like that anymore do you? - he was saying it in a jokey checking way. and i lied, hugged him and said that he was the only one for me. which is half true. he is.

I heard a quote 'you never lose your love for someone, you just put it in the attic of your heart' this seems to make sense but it doesnt explain what to do when the love comes back from the attic!

I can't just cut my ex off - him and my boyf have finally made peace - they were friends for years before me and it was me who caused the rift between them (not purposely or anything) and they are finally back to being mates.

Whilst it's easy to say -well you don't have to see him - it will look odd if i don't. and the annoying thing is that part of me does want to see him anyway.

i'm having a really rough time with this (as if you couldnt tell)

any more ideas or thought??

xx

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

just as another note- i understand that for my ex i could just be rebound/a memory he wants to return to. and he hasn't specifically said much about liking me - he's said a little, but i just laughed it off.

Reply 14

Schmokie Dragon

Acceptance. Just accept that you love him. You don't need to tell anyone. You just have to realise that it doesn't change anything, and you can still be happy.

Ever watched "Four Weddings"? It's a little like Fiona's situation in that. She loved Charlie and he was truly the only man she wanted and yet he did not love her in return. She just had to accept it, come to terms with it, and be his friend.

With things like this, it doesn't do you any good to reject the feelings or push them away.

Reply 15

ss7

By the sounds of it you go on impulses, but then we are all young so just do what you think is right, don't take this the wrong way, but in the long run of life you will just be teenage sweethearts and most probably only that.

Reply 16

Rachiehotbabe

I totally sympathies with you. I sort of went through the same thing and trust me it takes about over a year to get over some one even if you have feeling for the other person you willl still love your ex. I still loves my ex and it's been ages he still talks to me to make matters worse and he rubs in the fact he has a new girlfriend he can't understand how i can go out with other people but still love him.
So from now on am going to take things really slow and not commit to anything just have the odd fling now and again but to answer your question yes i think you can love two people at once xxx

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

thanks guys for all your help :smile:

i think what i'm going to do is as u lot suggested. Take a deep breath and keep on.
I mean stay as i am with my boyf and try and forget about the ex, even if he's around i'm ging to conciously push him to the back of my mind and try not to think about him or how i feel.
i am not going to tell my boyf as i doubt that'd do any good except worry him and i don't want to do that.

Arg, it's so tough, it really is, i thought getting over people was supposed to be hard, not loving them!

i always told people i was over my ex because thats what they wanted to hear and thats what they understood - they didnt see that itd be possible to love someone after being hurt, let alone whilst being with another guy and so you guys on here have been much help to me and have made me feel a little less guilty

after all you cant choose who you love
but you can choose what you do about it

wish me luck!