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can a second love ever compare to your first love?

i was wondering about people's experiences with this... i was dumped by my first love and am still struggling to get over it a few months later. i've met a new guy, but i keep comparing him to my ex. my ex was by no means perfect, but i was completely in love with him when he dumped me. i fell in love with him so quickly and with such ferocity - i couldn't stop thinking about him, at the start, throughout the relationship and even now, months down the line. we were inseperable from day one.

i can't help thinking to myself that i will never find anything as exciting and amazing as my last relationship ever again. i know that this sounds ridiculous - i'm only 18. but what about people here, how have you experienced this? were you able to fall in love again in the same way, or can nothing compare to your first love? how do you stop yourself from comparing a new person with your ex? do you think it's just simply too soon for me to move on to somebody else?

(i hope it will be ok to post anon about this, i know a few people on the site and don't really want them to know i'm posting about this.)

Reply 1

Tufts

17

Answer: Yes of course.

We do not have a limited minimum capacity for love. Your view of love is whatever you have experienced thus far in your life :smile:

Worry not. Your perspective on 'love' will develop as you experience new loves :hugs:

Reply 2

ßlαcksωαn

17

Well we never forget our first love, and at the time, we think they are it and a bit! but truth is...or I believe they can only get better. I found that sometimes I also compare present guys to past guys. I dont know how to prevent this, but you just have to get over your ex completely then you should cope better.

Reply 3

blah_blah

A second love or third or whatever may even be ten times better than yout first, but I doubt I'll ever get over my first love. I'll always love him and have a huge soft spot for him. I'm getting married soon but he will always have something on me. Sigh. :redface:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

blah_blah

A second love or third or whatever may even be ten times better than yout first, but I doubt I'll ever get over my first love. I'll always love him and have a huge soft spot for him. I'm getting married soon but he will always have something on me. Sigh. :redface:

exactly what i didn't want to hear :frown:

i still love my ex so much but i want to move on SO MUCH. i just feel like nobody will ever compare to him. i want to give the new guy a chance, but i almost can't be bothered as i'm so wrapped up in my ex.

it's killing me.

Reply 5

sebbie

15

The mere fact that only a tiny tiny proportion of people end up spending their entire lives with their first love suggests that later ones can be better....

Reply 6

Tufts

17

blackswan

Well we never forget our first love, and at the time, we think they are it and a bit! but truth is...or I believe they can only get better. I found that sometimes I also compare present guys to past guys. I dont know how to prevent this, but you just have to get over your ex completely then you should cope better.

It has to be said, my first love is/was a ****** We were 16, dated for a year then grew apart. He is now an emo, has no qualifications and works full time mopping up people's cheesy vomit in a cinema. I admit to feeling an insane amount of pleasure when I waltz in to watch a movie. Then come his questions of, "so what are you doing these days?"

:evil:

Reply 7

Bubblebee

15

Tufts

It has to be said, my first love is/was a ****** We were 16, dated for a year then grew apart. He is now an emo, has no qualifications and works full time mopping up people's cheesy vomit in a cinema. I admit to feeling an insane amount of pleasure when I waltz in to watch a movie. Then come his questions of, "so what are you doing these days?"

:evil:

I pity the first guy I fell in love with. I've moved on and grown up and he never will ammount to anything. Not that I wasn't glad I had that relationship, it taught me so much about myself...but it wouldn't have worked.

Reply 8

Tufts

17

Bubblebee

I pity the first guy I fell in love with. I've moved on and grown up and he never will ammount to anything. Not that I wasn't glad I had that relationship, it taught me so much about myself...but it wouldn't have worked.

Do you ever see him these days? :biggrin:

Reply 9

blah_blah

Oh no...but you do move on! How do I explain this...hmmm...When I broke up with him, I was devastated..cried for ages...thought the world was ending..and then to get over him I specifically made sure I started dating again so that I had someone else to distract me and all these years later I'm so in love with my fiance and would NOT trade him for my first love. You will meet other guys who help you move on. I think you just have to employ general break up techniques now and before you know it, you won't be thinking of him 24/7. :smile:

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

blah_blah

Oh no...but you do move on! How do I explain this...hmmm...When I broke up with him, I was devastated..cried for ages...thought the world was ending..and then to get over him I specifically made sure I started dating again so that I had someone else to distract me and all these years later I'm so in love with my fiance and would NOT trade him for my first love. You will meet other guys who help you move on. I think you just have to employ general break up techniques now and before you know it, you won't be thinking of him 24/7. :smile:

well i already have moved on quite a bit... i'm having fun with friends, holding down a job which i quite enjoy, functioning quite well etc (whereas when we broke up i was a complete mess for a while... i don't ever want to feel like that again). but it hurts still, mostly because he has a new lady and i am jealous.

i suppose dating will help...

Reply 11

blah_blah

Trust me, you'll get over it. I think you should find someone else to distract you. I insist that it's the best way. Bit of flirting here and there...texts...but it will take time. You've started getting over it already, so you'll be fine. All the best. :wink:

Reply 12

HereFishyFishy

13

There's hope for you yet. I thought I really loved my first love, but I didn't; he was just a learning curve. My second and current love is a lot better. Lots and lots.
Just hang in there until you meet somebody amazing.

Reply 13

Bubblebee

15

Tufts

Do you ever see him these days? :biggrin:

Yeah once or twice, he's moved in with some chav on an estate and seems to look after her three kids while she is out shagging it up :rolleyes:

Reply 14

gracie88

14

Laces

There's hope for you yet. I thought I really loved my first love, but I didn't; he was just a learning curve. My second and current love is a lot better. Lots and lots.
Just hang in there until you meet somebody amazing.

I'm exactly the same, my boyfriend who is my second love is way better than than my first love. Ofc i still remember my first love and always will, but my current boyfriend wins hands down.

Reply 15

dita_parlo

11

My second love is so different from the first... And SO much better in comparison. I learnt a lot from the first guy, but if I were to lose my current boyfriend, I would be so much more devastated than I was when me and the ex broke up. And I cried for months and months and months after we broke up! You WILL find somebody else, and yes, you will always REMEMBER your first love, but you will find somebody else more suited to yourself xxx

Reply 16

PatchTheCatch

6

I say that most likely your first love, generally wouldn't be love you would just think it was, but you come to terms and realise it isn't. Also it is enevitable that your first love will be prominent in your mind. I mean the first time you have a proper kiss you will always remember, the first time you have sex you will remember, the first time you broke a bone, you will remember. When something happens for the first time it's just a given that you won't forget it and that it will always have a link to you. I mean my first proper girlfriend, I will always remember her. Tis annoying because I sleep with my window open and when it's been raining you get that lovely, wet grass smell wafted into your room. This reminds me of her, seeing as we would have late night text marathons and I'd be sitting on me balcony, along with some other things and whenever I hear certain songs or noises I get reminded of her. I try not to think of negative things I just remember the good times.
So aye don't think about how you won't be with them anymore just think about how things were and how something will happen that you will ultimately be thankful for not being with this guy anymore ^^
Well that was long, I should probably be off to do some history revision now but can't really be bothered.
Hope I helped ^^

Reply 17

Tufts

17

Bubblebee

Yeah once or twice, he's moved in with some chav on an estate and seems to look after her three kids while she is out shagging it up :rolleyes:

Eeeeeewwww. Does he have any baggage of his own?

Reply 18

Napally

I think that after your first love, it gets better. Experience and hindsight are funny things :smile:

I don't believe it's always easy moving on from the first love but you do learn a hell of a lot from it.

Reply 19

username43584

8

My most recent ex still hasn't gotten over his first love and its been months since they broke up. It was one of those intense intense relationships - they were totally mismatched and she couldn't accept him for who he was (she only liked him for what she thought he was when they first went out) but by the time she started trying to change him, he was already head over heels for her. He kept breaking up with her and then going back to her, until she had had enough and refused to take him back. And though he insists he hates her and is well over her, it's blatantly obvious he isn't...even the passion with which he hates makes it obvious there are still feelings there.

So when he asked me out months later I of course asked him if it was simply rebound, and he swore it wasn't. But I should have known...he chose me simply because I was the exact opposite of her and he kept telling me that over and over. And after a month of intenseness, after I started to open up and fall for him, after he made me think he felt the same, he broke up with me. Why? He didn't have the feelings for me that he did for her. And he's already, a few weeks later, moved on to another girl.

My point is that, yes, your first love is special. You won't find someone who makes you feel that way again. It's intense and powerful simply because it's your first. But the nature of it is such that it usually never works - too close, too heady and generally, the two people involved are too young. But some people don't move on - they spend the rest of their lives trying to emulate that first relationship and unfortunately my ex is going that way. In some respects, moving on to someone else is good, but it's not if you go into the new relationship expecting it to feel like the first. It won't. You might fall in love again, and it might be wonderful, it might be better than you ever dreamed of, but it's not going to feel quite the same as the first.

I really don't know what to suggest. I can't tell you - I've not been in that situation yet, I was just heading there with the above guy. But you do need to get into the frame of mind where you don't expect your next boyfriend to make you feel like the last one. If you do that, if you head into relationships with no expectations, then there is every chance that you'll find someone who makes you feel better than that first bf.

can a second love ever compare to your first love?

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