I think I'm going insane

I posted this here because it's about something I said to a friend about an illness I had last year.

Firstly, I have been lying to myself about how I felt around the time I became ill in November. I confessed this to a friend by sending him a PM on Facebook (he wasn't answering my phonecalls but that is probably because he is revising/in an exam). I couldn't take any more dishonesty about my feelings, despite hiding it because I was ashamed. I don't know whether I did the right thing in telling him as I had only accepted it myself last night. I've been really upset ever since I told him.

Secondly, the cause of the illness was always on the back of my mind. It was subconscious but deliberate, if you get what I mean. I know the phrase I used (when telling my friend) is a contradiction in terms. I was in a really bad way as I had just decided that I was miserable on my course at uni and, as a result, was facing a lot of uncertainty. I felt like a failure and I needed to escape. I couldn't stop crying. In the end, one of my flatmates found me on the edge of a coma. Other than my crying fits and anxiety around the issues at uni, I felt no emotion. When my parents went mad at me because I nearly died, I didn't care. I felt a bit better by the end of Christmas holidays and thought that I had only gone through what I had been through a few times as a teenager.

Now, I regret not getting help back then. The illness I had doesn't really happen accidentally. It is linked to a pre-existing illness that I have and can only be caused by not taking the medication for that illness. It might have been my subconscious but I listened to my thoughts. If I had got help then, I would not have made myself seriously ill in the long term.

Sorry. I guess I just needed to rant. I'm scared of how my friend is going to react to finding out that I've lied to everyone I know. I guess what I want to know is should I confess that I'm a liar and can't even be honest with myself or should I just forget that this event ever happened.

Depression is difficult (my brother is thirteen and already severely depressed ) but I advise you not to become too 'rooted in the past'. Your failure to take medication wasn't an act of stupidity, just one that was influenced by the difficult and conflicting thoughts in your head. It is almost impossible to have a positive outlook with these sort of feelings, but a more onlooking one can ultimately lead to more optimism. Good luck.