Help me Understand

I was just wondering if this is normal to feel like this.

Lets start from the start…

This may be a bit long winded so I apologise in advance lol.

Well. About two years ago, I had this period when I felt really really down. I would be endlessly on the verge of tears. Feel like everything was pointless and basically cry for hours almost daily. And was withdrawn. After about a couple of weeks me feeling like this my mom eventually noticed and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know so I just cried for ages. My mom however put it down to ‘hormones’.

Well anyway. About 2 months ago. I felt like this again. Apart from it was a lot worse. I actually was in despair and didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I felt like this and felt like I would never be happy again. This lasted for about a month again. There was no reason to. I’d find myself writing down all my despairing thoughts on paper, just random, scribbles, about failure, life not being worth living etc. also, with the recent death (about two months before I felt like this) of my half brother (who I didn’t know very well at all) who committed suicide, I became preoccupied with death. Loosing my family. Not just the usual hoping no -one dies but constant thoughts about it and worrying, like an obsession.

After I started to feel a bit better and recovered slightly form this state, I can’t stop worrying about it happening again. I mean it was the worst thing ever. I’ve never felt so hopeless. So any sign that I may be feeling down really scares me.

I worry about everything too. Stupid things. I also think too much abut everything. I can rein act every possible outcome to a situation in my head before it has happened. (I don’t do this for everything, just some things) Also I can sit there and imagine vividly a horrible situation in my head…like the death of someone and how I/ everyone else reacts to it like it has actually happened and I get upset by it, I don’t enjoy doing it, I just do.

I also find myself thinking about doing stupid irrational things (this is not necessarily whilst I‘m feeling really down)…like what if I just ran out into the road in front of all these cars? I don’t really want to die or anything. So I don’t get it.

Also I was at a party and albeit quite drunk, but I started taking lots of paracetomol, I got to about 5 but told a friend what I was doing with the intention of taking more….I think…. and she took them off me.

I don’t know why I would do such a thing. As I am not feeling how I was before now. Should I put it down to just a drunken moment?

I don’t think my feelings are normal I just don’t know what to do about them?

I never used to be like this.

Thanks

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Hi, you are clearly suffering from depression, your brothers loss seems to have affected you deeply and i would advise you to seek some professional counselling.

It also seems your feelings are on an unconscious level, alcohol slows down rational thinking and abnormal thoughts you would normally ignore when sober, such as taking those pills, will not be controlled.

If it goes away and comes back, this means the depression is chronic, so you should really not ignore it because it will stay with you for the rest of your life and could lead to things like alcoholism/drugs.

Please urgently see your GP or school councillor.

Reply 2

plyr1688

i can clearly see your stressed. depending on which school of psychology, they can explain the causes of why you are depressed. and try to deal with the them For example it could be because of hormone levels or genes or brain ventricles. that causes this. Therefore the biological school would deal with depression by using different types of drugs, however i don't believe this can be a long term solution because once you go off the drug the effects will be gone. I personally recommend you go to cognitive therapy, this is where a trained person talks to you about your problems and helps you be more confident in life, they also try to correct any faulty thinking in your brain. It is effective.

Reply 3

J^E^P

Anonymous

I also find myself thinking about doing stupid irrational things (this is not necessarily whilst I‘m feeling really down)…like what if I just ran out into the road in front of all these cars? I don’t really want to die or anything. So I don’t get it.

It's weird you mention this because i do it too and i am really really happy so i don't think it is anything to worry about as long as you never actually do it!!! I am gonna blame it on twisted human curiosity.. well for me anyways!!

Reply 4

onthejubileeline

It sounds like you might have depression, so I would strongly suggest councilling - if anything, it'll help you massively to get all your feelings out properly to someone who will be able to completely understand on a professional level. Whatever you do though, do see your GP first. Don't stay suffering like you are! Nobody should have to go through what you're going through.

Reply 5

Ginger_Rogers

Anonymous

Why was that posted anonymous?

Reply 6

randomgirl

As above really ^^, go see a counsellor or Doctor.

You may feel embarrassed, but I'm sure whoever you go to see will have experience of helping people who are feeling low and won't judge you. Don't go through this alone, talk to somebody. Even speaking to a friend will help to begin with. It'll be for the best.

Hope things get better soon x

Reply 7

AverageGuyOnTheStreet

x1,000,000.

What you describe, OP, is very much like how I feel. I'd get help if I were you, sooner rather than later. It definitely sounds to me like you are suffering from depression.

Well, I would see your GP ASAP if I were you. I posted yesterday why I regret not getting help sooner. At least you have been able to admit that there is a problem. It took me a long time to even do that and I have long term health issues as a result.

This is what I posted to someone else in a similar situation to us:

AverageGuyOnTheStreet

I started showing symptoms in November last year, but I thought that it was because of uncertainties and a reaction to my circumstances at the time (I had just decided that I was miserable on my course and wanted to transfer). I was scared of how my parents would react to this and I didn't know which way to turn. I had constant crying fits and soon I had suicidal thoughts. I thought I had no intention of acting on them though. But then I was taken ill with an illness that you cannot get accidentally, relating to a pre-existing illness that I have.

Once I had recovered from that illness, I tried to get my life back together. I didn't want people to figure out how I was feeling. This was the wrong thing to do and my symptoms got worse. I was so stressed out that my immune system was completely messed up. My sleep patterns were also being affected. Then the crying fits came back, and so did the suicidal thoughts. I'd had quite a bit of bad news regarding my transfer and decided to drop out in about February.

In March, I was taken ill again with the same illness I'd had in November. If anything, it was more deliberate. I was unable to escape at that point. I felt so desperate. My crying fits were becoming more common, as were my thoughts. My sleep patterns were completely messed up by then. I decided that I needed to get help once I had escaped from hospital. When I went to my GP, I didn't feel comfortable telling him the whole story so I mentioned that I hated my course and had decided to drop out but the uncertainties and fears were making me ill. I still refused to accept how bad I felt. I refused to accept that I had attempted suicide for some time. I was so ashamed.

I tried again to work through my problems. This time, however, I confided in a friend who promised that he would always be there for me if I needed to talk. We're still really close actually, despite the distance. In return I promised (some time later) that I would not attempt suicide again. In all honesty, I've come unbelievably close to breaking that promise so many times.

I went away at the end of March, in a hope to escape from all my problems. That didn't happen and I ended up needing to go back to my GP. My crying fits were still becoming more and more often, as were my thoughts. That was when I was prescribed anti-depressants. They help but are not the answer.

In April, I thought I was getting better. I wasn't in truth. The crying fits were getting less often but my thoughts wouldn't go away and my sleep patterns were not good. I had been on the counselling waiting list for 7 weeks when I got so bad that I had to be bumped up the list. By that time my crying fits were back, my thoughts were 24/7, and I had a bad case of insomnia. I vowed I wouldn't make it to May.

In May, I was sent home again (I had been living with friends to get away from my parents). I was so scared of how I would feel if I did return. I was in the same situation as I was in November. On the verge of attempting suicide again, I phoned my friend and also posted on the depression society thread. I didn't want to hurt my friends but I wanted the pain to end. It was a response on the thread that made me decide against it.

So here I am now, wanting to put my negative thoughts to good use by helping others in the same situation. I still have regular crying fits. My thoughts are still there 24/7. I still think I can't make it through the day. My sleep is still messed up.

Sorry that was so long, but it explains much better what I've been through. On top of all this, I have low self esteem to the point that I genuinely believe that the world would be a better place without me. I'm also still recovering from my anxiety and contending with my depression. I hope this helped you. x1,000,000.