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    Hi guys just a post to see if anyone can relate to my circumstances. After a hellish 2015, this year I've finally found some stability and going to university. However the past 6 years of my life have been a total waste, and I have lost so much time.

    I originally started a levels in the fall of 2009, and at the time was a very conscientious student working at A grades. However during them years I fell very short in the social department both with friends and dating. I was a fairly good looking kid and USED to attract quite a few girls. However all the way through my younger school years the best way I can describe myself was very distant from people; surface like with an inability to form close lasting relationships. I fell for a couple of girls, through my college years, who may have at first liked me in return. But my avoidant tendencies started to kick in, I was conflicted between my feelings for them and the fear I had at getting close to people. Of course the fear of getting close to people is what perpetuated a self fulfilling prophecy of rejection. I ended up teased and slandered, called gay, freak weirdo you name it. None of it true, and it doesn't bother me anymore but at the time it was ostracisation and alienation and isolation that hurt the most.

    my troubles stem from a very traumatic childhood, from which not doubt I suffered very heavy developmental trauma. As a child I was physically and emotionally abused quite severely (3 onwards) and had no choice but to internalise that pain - you see crying was always a sign of weakness in my household, I was told never to show my emotions. Incidentally I was repeated told the reason I was abused was because of my mother, I was told never to trust women, all they do is use you and take your money.

    As a result, as a child I showed very abnormal behaviour patterns, of course I couldn't continually internalise all the abuse and not reach my boiling point I was always going to react. So I used to get in explosive rages and most of that anger was in turn directed at my mother for the reason stated above. Although she was innocent.

    The point is through my alevels I continued this roller coaster life style of receiving A/B's, then suddenly came crashing out all because of bullying and teasing and that came through not asking someone out.

    Anyway fast forward a few years and a very naive me in a bad state decided to try cannabis. Well that was the worst mistake of my life, it hit me hard, and ever since I've been trapped in the foggy world of depersonalisation. I love with it chronically 24/7 I know deep down it relates to the trauma, but it has had quite an effect at my ability to study and function at my best. You see pre depersonalisation I completed my as year as AAB, but by the end of my Alevels I only managed to muster BEU.

    Now finally I'm under the guidance of a professional and being screened for PTSD and dissociative disorder. Although it was probably my interpersonal problems and the **** I got from other people that triggered these awful spells. I know at this point it's safe to although I'm being supported relationships with people are out question. I'm too complex for most people to comprehend and I don't want to bring any more attention to myself. I'm happy just staying cool and distant, I'm always looking to help others though.

    My question is this have any of you experienced chronic severe depersonalisation through trauma or otherwise and have you managed to to study work at your best ability despite this? You see I'm going on to do mathematics and I don't want to screw these next few years up, at baseline I'm a very hard working student. So any support tips or guidance at studying or just working through life with this would be much appreciated many thanks!
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    Just a quick note, I'm fine and happy in myself. Its just dealing with the on going depersonalisation. You needed have had my background. just the day to day experience with DPD. Has anyone here achieved well despite this. Its a condition with many nuances effecting your processing speed, memory etc. So yeah as before my question is it possible to work at your best i.e. studying, working etc. P.S I'm finally in trauma therapy which I should have had at a much younger age however the Dr struck off ill at the time, so things get sweated under the carpet. Anyway any reply would be greatly appreciated many thanks. Oh BTW I'm not anti sociable or nothing, I'm quite an agreeable person. I just want to learn to blend, and get on my life.

    I wasn't boasting or nothing up top but Im an average decent looking, so on the surface of things look very "normal" so to speak.
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    This maybe a bumped I dunno, but I've never met anyone with depersonalisation disorder, I mean chronic, to the point of effecting daily functioning so it would be great if someone could hit me back on this point.
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    (Original post by Hitman3161)
    This maybe a bumped I dunno, but I've never met anyone with depersonalisation disorder, I mean chronic, to the point of effecting daily functioning so it would be great if someone could hit me back on this point.
    Does the uni you're going to know about your illnesses? If so that's a very good place to start. They can help you apply for DSA and get exam arrangements as well as support while you're there. This can make a huge difference to people. Other than that you're just going to have to manage yourself and your conditions as best you can and make sure you eat, sleep, rest etc as well as you can, continue getting help so you'll hopefully be improving while you're there and doing as well as you can. Good luck!


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    Yes I have informed them. I'm receiving special funding through my local council, I might use this as an opportunity to get a personal trainer. I hear exercise is brilliant for depersonalisation. I just hope I can hit my potential again its been a messy few years. I have this tendency to react in ways disproportionate with my reality. But I guess thats part of my condition, my history and the past experiences I've had. I will inform the tutors at first possible notice, and fingers crossed ill be able to find more consistency in my life. But thanks for the reply anyway. I hear a lot of it is diet as well so with a PT on board would definitely be an added bonus.
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    (Original post by Hitman3161)
    Yes I have informed them. I'm receiving special funding through my local council, I might use this as an opportunity to get a personal trainer. I hear exercise is brilliant for depersonalisation. I just hope I can hit my potential again its been a messy few years. I have this tendency to react in ways disproportionate with my reality. But I guess thats part of my condition, my history and the past experiences I've had. I will inform the tutors at first possible notice, and fingers crossed ill be able to find more consistency in my life. But thanks for the reply anyway. I hear a lot of it is diet as well so with a PT on board would definitely be an added bonus.
    That sounds good then, hope it helps! You have time yet before you start to experiment with diet and exercise and things which could make a big difference. Hopefully someone else will reply with some better suggestions but it sounds like you're doing the right things at the moment for giving yourself the best chance you can


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    Although I do not have a depersonalisation disorder, I have suffered on and off with depression since the age of 13, and a panic disorder for as long as I can remember. Depersonalisation is something I'm used to however, as it is one of the symptoms that accompanies my frequent panic attacks. I was involved in acting since a very young age and found that I would just use my acting skills to pretend everything was fine while in reality I was so out of things and in such a hazy state, believing the world around me was simply a dream of some sort, and not possibly real. Since my first time experiencing this during a panic attack, I can't seem to fully shake the feeling. I go about my daily life normally, but when I slow down the feeling creeps back. Because of this, I try to remain as busy as possible (even if just by listening to music) and not stay isolated at home for long periods of time. The more isolated and alone I feel, the worse the depersonalisation gets. I finished school last year and achieved a 96%, 80%, 84%, 74%, 76%, 78% and 72% (I live in South Africa where we do 7 subjects in our final year) and will be starting uni in the UK in September. I am very proud with my results, even though I do believe I could have done better in the majority of them as it was not always possible to stay strong, driven and simply ignore the panic disorder and depression. I found I stayed motivated and studious by acknowledging to myself that the depersonalisation was just something I have to work extra hard to beat. I have days where I end up being so affected by it that I can barely function; but those days just motivate me to fight and work harder on the days where it's not as bad.

    I definitely know that my depersonalisation is not as severe as others may experience it, and I know first hand that it is most certainly not always possible to just stay strong and positive through it. But I still wanted to share my experience with you in the hopes that it would help in some small way, even if it just reassures you that you're not alone.
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    Yes I'm so sorry to hear of your symptoms, but the very best of luck with your studies. I had much background stress anxiety and I think the cannabis - an isolated incident- was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, but I believe my past caused it. It's a very difficult condition to describe to others , not let alone for them to understand. I can definitely empathise with your situation, and hope you stay strong. I've always wondered if it's related to your REM cycles in sleep too because it feels more intense upon waking and sort of tails off toward the end of the day. But yeah it's a very insidious thing, not helped by the fact it is totally invisible to the outside. The best way I can describe it, for me anyway is the sense of me being a little man in my head at the controls. You see everything from a 3rd person POV and become very numbed. I've heard it can last for decades for some. For others the symptoms can resolve spontaneously after the root of it has been sorted. I won't know at this point haven't lived long enough, but it's been there 24/7 for two years now. Anyway thanks for your post ^ it's nice to know your not alone in this strange footy world, and best of luck with uni come September, I'll be starting then too.


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    Thank you, and best of luck with your studies as well. Yeah, I think you've correctly identified those as the cause. It's good to know what causes it; not knowing why you feel it makes it even scarier. I completely agree, whenever I try to explain it to someone they never seem to really get it. It's very interesting that you say that, as I also experience it at it's strongest right when I wake up (when it's not brought on by a panic attack); I think you could be on to something there. I experience it exactly as you have just described it: seeing everything from a 3rd person POV as well as the accompanying numbness. Oh wow, I didn't realise it could last as long as that; that's scary. My pleasure, and best of luck to you too. I hope you are able to ease and eventually get rid of the depersonalisation as soon as possible. In the mean time, stay strong :hugs:
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    (Original post by WhySoSarious)
    Thank you, and best of luck with your studies as well. Yeah, I think you've correctly identified those as the cause. It's good to know what causes it; not knowing why you feel it makes it even scarier. I completely agree, whenever I try to explain it to someone they never seem to really get it. It's very interesting that you say that, as I also experience it at it's strongest right when I wake up (when it's not brought on by a panic attack); I think you could be on to something there. I experience it exactly as you have just described it: seeing everything from a 3rd person POV as well as the accompanying numbness. Oh wow, I didn't realise it could last as long as that; that's scary. My pleasure, and best of luck to you too. I hope you are able to ease and eventually get rid of the depersonalisation as soon as possible. In the mean time, stay strong :hugs:
    Haha I will, your the first person I've spoke too whose really got it lol, its such a shame how my A-levels turned out. And it going to to be an interested challenge in september. My B grade was only 1 mark shy of an A that was maths. So I hope the transition will be a smooth one. Of course another symptom of DPD as you mentioned in its severe form also effects concentration and motivation. So a good PT along with a fantastic psychologist who I'm seeing now should hopefully iron things out. For me i think its a case of putting things behind me, and going back to the start. Of course inadvertently over the years i may have hurt people emotionally but that wasn't on purpose, and that may have contributed to the spite I've received. But like I said, from now on its a case of knuckling down managing my self and my own troubles not putting my self into situations I'm not ready for and dealing with the stuff that led to these circumstances. And like you said life should be easier.

    But yeah thats great many thanks again and best of luck!
 
 
 
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