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Slag or emmotionally messed up?
This is a long story, as I have to tell some thngs that might explain the why of others.
I´ve been with my girlfriend now for a year and a half, though at first was a distance relationship, so as serious relationship it´s been a year now, when it was precisly at that time when I was in her house fishing out on her computer and I found out "dirty" conversations of her with a few other guys (including webcam), I know that you might be thinkin "oh, so you didnt trust her", well, obviously at that time, it was a long distance relantionship, and before taking such as serious step as moving to her city this year and study at Uni there. Well, when I did find out those things, obviously I could not trust her anymore, she denied at first untill she obviously had to confess, started to cry etc., and told me that she has stopped it, that she doesnt do it anymore. But obviously, how can I believe her after seeing that? (a guy asked her if she had a bf and she said "no"), so I asked her if there was more than those conversations, and she said no, but I could not trust her so I told her that I knew and she confessed then that a few months ago she was quite drunk and kissed a guy.
Well, I tried to forget as It seemed she had changed and apparently she was doing it because she thought that I´d be doing the same
, then the relationship got more and more serious and we´ve been in the same city for nearly a year now. In all this time she´s showed me how much she loves me etc., and I know she hasn´t done anything like that again. However, I still felt inside me that there was more than I found out but obviously she never told me because she wanted to carry on with the relationship, so it´s not like I don´t trust her at the moment, is that I don´t trust her about what she did in the past. So I basiclly came online on her msn and this guy starts begging for sex, saying that the last time was great, I was totally devastated, but I pretended to be her and asked him that when was the last time and he said that about a year ago, so it was by the time she was having those conversations and before I found out about them.
He said it was twice, and it was great or whatever. I could not sleep all night so I mailed her telling her all the truth and she had no other option but to confess.
What do I do now? I know she doesn´t do it anymore and I don´t doubt about if she loves me or not, but those things upset me so much and makes me feel really sad.
Is it worth leaving the relationship after all this for that? We are perfectly fine now, since I moved, but before it seemed she was acting like a slag.
She told me that she did those things because she was insecure and didn´t know if I loved her or not and that I would be doing the same because her friends told her so and that she´s sorry etc. etc. But the fact is that I know all these things because I have found out for myself obviously, otherwise I would of never known about them, she´s sorry because I found out, but she musnt of been when she did them, and I carried on with the relationship without knowing about them, if I had known I would of stop it at the time, but knowing now after all the time changes everything.
Thanks for reading
I´ve been with my girlfriend now for a year and a half, though at first was a distance relationship, so as serious relationship it´s been a year now, when it was precisly at that time when I was in her house fishing out on her computer and I found out "dirty" conversations of her with a few other guys (including webcam), I know that you might be thinkin "oh, so you didnt trust her", well, obviously at that time, it was a long distance relantionship, and before taking such as serious step as moving to her city this year and study at Uni there. Well, when I did find out those things, obviously I could not trust her anymore, she denied at first untill she obviously had to confess, started to cry etc., and told me that she has stopped it, that she doesnt do it anymore. But obviously, how can I believe her after seeing that? (a guy asked her if she had a bf and she said "no"), so I asked her if there was more than those conversations, and she said no, but I could not trust her so I told her that I knew and she confessed then that a few months ago she was quite drunk and kissed a guy.
Well, I tried to forget as It seemed she had changed and apparently she was doing it because she thought that I´d be doing the same
, then the relationship got more and more serious and we´ve been in the same city for nearly a year now. In all this time she´s showed me how much she loves me etc., and I know she hasn´t done anything like that again. However, I still felt inside me that there was more than I found out but obviously she never told me because she wanted to carry on with the relationship, so it´s not like I don´t trust her at the moment, is that I don´t trust her about what she did in the past. So I basiclly came online on her msn and this guy starts begging for sex, saying that the last time was great, I was totally devastated, but I pretended to be her and asked him that when was the last time and he said that about a year ago, so it was by the time she was having those conversations and before I found out about them. He said it was twice, and it was great or whatever. I could not sleep all night so I mailed her telling her all the truth and she had no other option but to confess.
What do I do now? I know she doesn´t do it anymore and I don´t doubt about if she loves me or not, but those things upset me so much and makes me feel really sad.
Is it worth leaving the relationship after all this for that? We are perfectly fine now, since I moved, but before it seemed she was acting like a slag.
She told me that she did those things because she was insecure and didn´t know if I loved her or not and that I would be doing the same because her friends told her so
and that she´s sorry etc. etc. But the fact is that I know all these things because I have found out for myself obviously, otherwise I would of never known about them, she´s sorry because I found out, but she musnt of been when she did them, and I carried on with the relationship without knowing about them, if I had known I would of stop it at the time, but knowing now after all the time changes everything. Thanks for reading
Reply 1
First of all you need to work out whether you forgive her or not for the things she did a year ago.
Secondly, you need to decide if you forgive her for not being open about it to you.
If both of those are a yes, keep going with the relationship and put all this mess behind, trying to build up trust again from square 1. If the answer is no, then you can't keep it up much longer.
Secondly, you need to decide if you forgive her for not being open about it to you.
If both of those are a yes, keep going with the relationship and put all this mess behind, trying to build up trust again from square 1. If the answer is no, then you can't keep it up much longer.
Reply 2
If you can see a future with her, try your best to overcome her past actions.
If this issue is truly eating you up inside, I think you need some time away from her to sort your heat out.
Also, relationships need trust. You obviously have issues with trust, and I can't see how your relationship can continue without such a solid foundation of trust.
If this issue is truly eating you up inside, I think you need some time away from her to sort your heat out.
Also, relationships need trust. You obviously have issues with trust, and I can't see how your relationship can continue without such a solid foundation of trust.
Reply 3
yeah tbh u basically need 2 ask urself if u can ever trust her again, if u realise u can't then take a break from seeing each other xxx
Reply 4
I love how the word "slag", is thrown around on these forums. It really is pathetic.
If it was me I would forgive her but you really have to look into your heard and see if you are ever going to be able to move past it. What happened happened a year ago when it seems that she was in a dark and very confusing place, you have said yourself that you have had a good relationship for the last year and that you are sure that she loves you, so think about what you would be throwing away. Yes what she did was wrong and she should have told you about it but the question is, is it worth loosing her over?
Reply 7
Thank you all for answering
I agree with all you. Basiclly I do not want to throw the relationship away (things were going really well) and doesn´t she, however It seems it is not completly up to me as if that is eating me up inside would make it really difficult to get over and just forget.
I understand why she did it, we sat down and talked about it. She was really insecured by that time, all past boyfriends cheated on her, used her... etc. so seems like she did it to "defend" herself before apparently I´d do the same to her, plus her friends were not helping.
I asked her though why exactly made her change all of a sudden before I found out (so it´s not like she stopped because I found out), and she said that she felt really bad when she did it, and cried and realized that she was being stupid.
I´ll try to move on, forget about it, if I see I can´t cope with it, I´ll have to finish with her, even if I don´t want to.
I agree with all you. Basiclly I do not want to throw the relationship away (things were going really well) and doesn´t she, however It seems it is not completly up to me as if that is eating me up inside would make it really difficult to get over and just forget.
I understand why she did it, we sat down and talked about it. She was really insecured by that time, all past boyfriends cheated on her, used her... etc. so seems like she did it to "defend" herself before apparently I´d do the same to her, plus her friends were not helping.
I asked her though why exactly made her change all of a sudden before I found out (so it´s not like she stopped because I found out), and she said that she felt really bad when she did it, and cried and realized that she was being stupid.
I´ll try to move on, forget about it, if I see I can´t cope with it, I´ll have to finish with her, even if I don´t want to.
Reply 8
Anon -
When I was going through a rough time (I had just been diagnosed bipolar, was living in a supported accomodation hostel, multiple psych admittances, often taken into police custody for protection etc) I did similar to your girlfriend. I went out with friends, got drunk, went off with other boys, etc, all whilst having an amazing loving and caring boyfriend.
I was honest with him, and he was devastated. howver he did also accept that I was incredibly self destructive at the time, and yes there was truth in the fact that I was looking for approval, acceptance, and that these other boyswere my 'safety plan' in case my own boyf ever left me. At the time, I was also trying to get my boyf to break up with me, as I couldn't break up with him, because I couldn't face his heartbreak, so I did what I could to get him to break up with me.
Fast forward 2 years, and we are in such a happy, healthy, trusting and committed relationship. I worked through the issues I had at that time, and now I am working on my more 'core' beliefs, with the aid of MH services.
My boyf accepts it wasn't cheating, as I love him with all my heart, I care for him much more thn I do for myself, and when I was with the other men, I was just self-destructing, in the same way I am when I am cutting, or any of my other behaviours.
I think the key is to be open. This girl has a lot of problems, and probably has low self esteem, and difficulty accepting that anyone could love her. Her 'activity' with the other men shows that - there are complex reasons behind it, and there is no way she is *just* a slag. Is she in therapy or counselling? Could you go to it with her, for a couple of sessions?
Don't accept the views of people who have never been in the situation, who look at things with the eyes of ignorant, stigmatised idiots. If you think she is worth it, andif you genuinely believe that she wants your relationship to work - then work on it, it could be the best thing you have ever done.
When I was going through a rough time (I had just been diagnosed bipolar, was living in a supported accomodation hostel, multiple psych admittances, often taken into police custody for protection etc) I did similar to your girlfriend. I went out with friends, got drunk, went off with other boys, etc, all whilst having an amazing loving and caring boyfriend.
I was honest with him, and he was devastated. howver he did also accept that I was incredibly self destructive at the time, and yes there was truth in the fact that I was looking for approval, acceptance, and that these other boyswere my 'safety plan' in case my own boyf ever left me. At the time, I was also trying to get my boyf to break up with me, as I couldn't break up with him, because I couldn't face his heartbreak, so I did what I could to get him to break up with me.
Fast forward 2 years, and we are in such a happy, healthy, trusting and committed relationship. I worked through the issues I had at that time, and now I am working on my more 'core' beliefs, with the aid of MH services.
My boyf accepts it wasn't cheating, as I love him with all my heart, I care for him much more thn I do for myself, and when I was with the other men, I was just self-destructing, in the same way I am when I am cutting, or any of my other behaviours.
I think the key is to be open. This girl has a lot of problems, and probably has low self esteem, and difficulty accepting that anyone could love her. Her 'activity' with the other men shows that - there are complex reasons behind it, and there is no way she is *just* a slag. Is she in therapy or counselling? Could you go to it with her, for a couple of sessions?
Don't accept the views of people who have never been in the situation, who look at things with the eyes of ignorant, stigmatised idiots. If you think she is worth it, andif you genuinely believe that she wants your relationship to work - then work on it, it could be the best thing you have ever done.
Reply 9
OP - did she sleep with that guy while she was with you?
Look, here's some sincere advice. Finish her and move on. Don't make any attempt to forgive her, she'll be nothing but trouble for you in the future.
..shauny
Look, here's some sincere advice. Finish her and move on. Don't make any attempt to forgive her, she'll be nothing but trouble for you in the future.
..shauny
Reply 10
I suppose it just depends what type of person you are, as to whether you listen to mine or Shaunys advice. Though finishing because it looks like too difficult suggests you might not *ever* be able to get a relationship to work, if you can't take the rough with the smooth.
Every relationship has it's hard points. It's not the hardpoints which tests the realtionship though, it's your willingness to be with someone you truly love and care about, despite everything that is going on around you externally.
Out of all our friends in relationships, me and my boyf are the only ones to never have split up, to never even argue over the small or big things, because we have become so close, because we know that we can make it through anything, given what we have gone through.
If you think along the 'nothing but trouble' lines, then you're probably not worth this girl, or any happy relationship. People who matter, are the people who are willing to make something work, to fight for what they love, for what they want. Maybe it's just easier to accept a simple life, with nothing special, and no passion, than the 'effort' of gaining something truly remarkable.
(And I am the cynical one in my relationship)
Every relationship has it's hard points. It's not the hardpoints which tests the realtionship though, it's your willingness to be with someone you truly love and care about, despite everything that is going on around you externally.
Out of all our friends in relationships, me and my boyf are the only ones to never have split up, to never even argue over the small or big things, because we have become so close, because we know that we can make it through anything, given what we have gone through.
If you think along the 'nothing but trouble' lines, then you're probably not worth this girl, or any happy relationship. People who matter, are the people who are willing to make something work, to fight for what they love, for what they want. Maybe it's just easier to accept a simple life, with nothing special, and no passion, than the 'effort' of gaining something truly remarkable.
(And I am the cynical one in my relationship)
Reply 11
In my opinion, a relationship has to be built ont rust for it to work and when the trust wavers, a relationship can quite easily unravel in front of your eyes. If you are serious about wanting the realtionship to work then you simply have to put the past behind you and move on. The more you let it eat you up, the more you'll distance urself from her and she may decide that she's fed up and tired of proving herself to you. I completely understand how hard this is for you and i must admit, if it was me in ur position i dont think i could forgive and forget but if she means enough to you then you have to leave the past in the past and agree to work together for a better future. She obviously means a lot to you for you to have stuck with it for this long, it takes a special relationship to make it thorugh thigs like this so if you do stay together i think u can make it through anyhing.
Good luck x
Good luck x
Reply 12
little_red_sox
I love how the word "slag", is thrown around on these forums. It really is pathetic.
It's just a word that allows people to categorise others. Everyone does it because that's the only way people can understand the world around them.
For guys, a "slag" is simply a girl, who has so few sexual morals, that they would struggle to see her as a girlfriend (at least that's usually the common ground between guys' interpretations) and everyone has their personal interpretation of the word. For some guys a slag is a girl who once kissed another man. For other guys it could mean any girl who has slept with other men while they were going out with them.
Some people get uncomfortable with the word, because they have a certain interpretation of the word that touches their sensitivity.
Personally, I wouldn't consider the OP's girlfriend a slag but maybe he would. I do feel his pain though. It doesn't sound like she is particularly trustworthy.
Reply 14
slag.
get rid.
quick time.
get rid.
quick time.
Reply 15
little_red_sox
I love how the word "slag", is thrown around on these forums. It really is pathetic.
Seriously though, do you not think that is slaggy?
Reply 16
Ginger_Rogers
Seriously though, do you not think that is slaggy?
Everyone has their view on that. She's a girl with sexual needs so to have slept with a guy once, while she was "going out" with the OP but hadn't yet met him.... , that's not particularly slutty in my eyes. She might have even had had gone out one night and met someone she liked. If she hadn't even met the OP yet, it's hard to remain "faithful" and that's one of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable in meeting people this way. You can't really be with someone until you've met them and even if you feel like you're connecting... you can't be sure you really are.
We know little about this other guy she slept with but I know quite a few girls who have met guys that way, in some cases, only to sleep with them.
JMG
Saying "What happened a year ago" depends on how you look at it - I would take the view she was (indirectly) lying all year, so its just not something that happened ages ago, she had kept it a secret up until recently - and if you take the attitude of 'Oh I love her, its not her fault, I don't want to lose her' then you already have.
I am just saying what i would do if it was my boyfriend who had acted in that way.
Reply 18
Sticky
Everyone has their view on that. She's a girl with sexual needs so to have slept with a guy once, while she was "going out" with the OP but hadn't yet met him.... , that's not particularly slutty in my eyes. She might have even had had gone out one night and met someone she liked. If she hadn't even met the OP yet, it's hard to remain "faithful" and that's one of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable in meeting people this way. You can't really be with someone until you've met them and even if you feel like you're connecting... you can't be sure you really are.
We know little about this other guy she slept with but I know quite a few girls who have met guys that way, in some cases, only to sleep with them.
We know little about this other guy she slept with but I know quite a few girls who have met guys that way, in some cases, only to sleep with them.
I didn't see the bit where she hadn't met him. In fact, I still cant
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