Feeling very very depressed

Go see your doctor. Depression is a serious illness, not just a state of mind, and it's more common than you'd expect. If your doctor thinks it's serious enough (and if you tell them what you told us, they will do), they'll ask you if you want to see a counsellor, and if it persists they may recommend antidepressants to you. Better to be safe than sorry, though - you're welcome to decline any treatment you're offered, so you have nothing to lose.

It sounds like depression to me, by the way. I've suffered from depression before (and at times still do, though it's rare), and I know how nasty it can be and how powerless you can feel against it, and I recommend you go as early as you can. But it's really not your fault - saying this is your fault is like saying it's your fault when you get the flu. Depression is a real illness - treat it like one, and go to the doctor's as early as you can.

I think he's said everything I can think of, but seriously, don't underestimate how much excercise can help. I also know how incredibly difficult it is to hide these things from friends, but trust me, they'll probably know that something's bothering you at the moment, and they'll be there for you.

I started showing symptoms in November last year, but I thought that it was because of uncertainties and a reaction to my circumstances at the time (I had just decided that I was miserable on my course and wanted to transfer). I was scared of how my parents would react to this and I didn't know which way to turn. I had constant crying fits and soon I had suicidal thoughts. I thought I had no intention of acting on them though. But then I was taken ill with an illness that you cannot get accidentally, relating to a pre-existing illness that I have.

Once I had recovered from that illness, I tried to get my life back together. I didn't want people to figure out how I was feeling. This was the wrong thing to do and my symptoms got worse. I was so stressed out that my immune system was completely messed up. My sleep patterns were also being affected. Then the crying fits came back, and so did the suicidal thoughts. I'd had quite a bit of bad news regarding my transfer and decided to drop out in about February.

In March, I was taken ill again with the same illness I'd had in November. If anything, it was more deliberate. I was unable to escape at that point. I felt so desperate. My crying fits were becoming more common, as were my thoughts. My sleep patterns were completely messed up by then. I decided that I needed to get help once I had escaped from hospital. When I went to my GP, I didn't feel comfortable telling him the whole story so I mentioned that I hated my course and had decided to drop out but the uncertainties and fears were making me ill. I still refused to accept how bad I felt. I refused to accept that I had attempted suicide for some time. I was so ashamed.

I tried again to work through my problems. This time, however, I confided in a friend who promised that he would always be there for me if I needed to talk. We're still really close actually, despite the distance. In return I promised (some time later) that I would not attempt suicide again. In all honesty, I've come unbelievably close to breaking that promise so many times.

I went away at the end of March, in a hope to escape from all my problems. That didn't happen and I ended up needing to go back to my GP. My crying fits were still becoming more and more often, as were my thoughts. That was when I was prescribed anti-depressants. They help but are not the answer.

In April, I thought I was getting better. I wasn't in truth. The crying fits were getting less often but my thoughts wouldn't go away and my sleep patterns were not good. I had been on the counselling waiting list for 7 weeks when I got so bad that I had to be bumped up the list. By that time my crying fits were back, my thoughts were 24/7, and I had a bad case of insomnia. I vowed I wouldn't make it to May.

In May, I was sent home again (I had been living with friends to get away from my parents). I was so scared of how I would feel if I did return. I was in the same situation as I was in November. On the verge of attempting suicide again, I phoned my friend and also posted on the depression society thread. I didn't want to hurt my friends but I wanted the pain to end. It was a response on the thread that made me decide against it.

So here I am now, wanting to put my negative thoughts to good use by helping others in the same situation. I still have regular crying fits. My thoughts are still there 24/7. I still think I can't make it through the day. My sleep is still messed up.

Sorry that was so long, but it explains much better what I've been through. On top of all this, I have low self esteem to the point that I genuinely believe that the world would be a better place without me. I'm also still recovering from my anxiety and contending with my depression. I hope this helped you.

x1,000,000.