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Life fallen apart, please help me
Hello everyone, been thinking about posting this for a while but was worried about the people I know on here, so now Anon is back I'm grabbing it with both hands. Some people may be aware of who I am, but I'd rather they kept it under their hats if that's okay. Cheers. 
Basically I've become utterly miserable lately. Things just seem to have gone downhill alarmingly. I've dropped out of uni and have no idea what to do with the rest of my life; I have a chronic illness which is the main reason I left, having missed most of the year. There's little chance of it getting better any time before I start getting wrinkles, or it may never get better. I live with my long-term boyfriend, have done for ages, and until now everything's been brilliant, but lately we've started arguing, he's distant a lot, I feel pushed away so I don't make the effort to get his attention then he gets pissed off at me when he realises I'm feeling down. I've tried to hide it for a while that I'm desperately unhappy. I'm worried about starting to self-harm again and getting drunk a lot sounds like the best idea in the world. I've only stayed sober because (this sounds stupid) my goldfish got sick and needed fairly constant care and attention, and if I got drunk I might've messed up.
Sorry, this could easily turn into a self-pitying rant. Potted version is that I have a history of drinking to excess, depression, suicide attempts and self-destructive behaviour, both psychologically and physically. It seems that getting this illness and having my new life at uni rudely stolen away has pushed me back to the point where this behaviour is a possibility again. I've talked to my boyfriend about this but he just says he doesn't know how to cope with it and leaves me alone when I'm unhappy. If I try to talk about what future I can have at uni or whatever, he says he doesn't know what to suggest and changes the subject. He sounds awful from what I've written but this has only been very recent so I think it's my fault for getting unhappy again. I just wish it hadn't happened and I blame myself terribly for apparently ****ing everything up. Please someone help me, advise me, tell me I'm a self-obsessed moron, I don't care. I just need to talk to somebody. Thanks.
Basically I've become utterly miserable lately. Things just seem to have gone downhill alarmingly. I've dropped out of uni and have no idea what to do with the rest of my life; I have a chronic illness which is the main reason I left, having missed most of the year. There's little chance of it getting better any time before I start getting wrinkles, or it may never get better. I live with my long-term boyfriend, have done for ages, and until now everything's been brilliant, but lately we've started arguing, he's distant a lot, I feel pushed away so I don't make the effort to get his attention then he gets pissed off at me when he realises I'm feeling down. I've tried to hide it for a while that I'm desperately unhappy. I'm worried about starting to self-harm again and getting drunk a lot sounds like the best idea in the world. I've only stayed sober because (this sounds stupid) my goldfish got sick and needed fairly constant care and attention, and if I got drunk I might've messed up.
Sorry, this could easily turn into a self-pitying rant. Potted version is that I have a history of drinking to excess, depression, suicide attempts and self-destructive behaviour, both psychologically and physically. It seems that getting this illness and having my new life at uni rudely stolen away has pushed me back to the point where this behaviour is a possibility again. I've talked to my boyfriend about this but he just says he doesn't know how to cope with it and leaves me alone when I'm unhappy. If I try to talk about what future I can have at uni or whatever, he says he doesn't know what to suggest and changes the subject. He sounds awful from what I've written but this has only been very recent so I think it's my fault for getting unhappy again. I just wish it hadn't happened and I blame myself terribly for apparently ****ing everything up. Please someone help me, advise me, tell me I'm a self-obsessed moron, I don't care. I just need to talk to somebody. Thanks.
Reply 1
oh my god, *hugs* don't worry, of course you're entitiled to feel terrible, when you were forced to leave uni through ill-health. You obviously don't seem to be coping with it very well. Is there supports groups for your specific illness? Have you gone to see a doctor to discuss how it's affecting your life? With your boyfriend, he must think that it is your circumstances and not a deeper unhappiness, and so probably feels that he can't help you. So as you said, I'm sure he's nice, but is it that he can't cope with seeing you down and not being able to do anything about it?
Reply 2
If your boyfriend is finding it difficult to cope mabe you could seek professional help, speak to friends, family? speakig to them may make you realise there is a way forward.
Reply 3
Thanks for responding guys.
I would talk to friends if I had any nearby...the problem is I came to uni but got ill after a few weeks, so the friends I had made here sort of drifted away before we'd got attached to each other (I was in my room all the time). My only friends now are where I used to live with my parents, and I'm broke because I can't work so I can't afford the train fare down. God, I'm pathetic - I've started crying twice already while posting on this thread. The local waiting lists for professional help are insane and my family have big problems of their own at the moment (plus my mum can't deal with me being down so I can't in fairness tell her).
I would talk to friends if I had any nearby...the problem is I came to uni but got ill after a few weeks, so the friends I had made here sort of drifted away before we'd got attached to each other (I was in my room all the time). My only friends now are where I used to live with my parents, and I'm broke because I can't work so I can't afford the train fare down. God, I'm pathetic - I've started crying twice already while posting on this thread. The local waiting lists for professional help are insane and my family have big problems of their own at the moment (plus my mum can't deal with me being down so I can't in fairness tell her).
Reply 4
I started at uni this year and have a chronic illness too, "luckily" I was diagnosed with it a few years back so I could cope with it better whilst starting uni.
PM me if you want to chat about anything.
PM me if you want to chat about anything.
Reply 5
Im sorry to hear of your problems, it sounds incredibly tough. Can i advise you to do a few things?
1. im not sure what ur illness prevents you from doing but often doing something active can take your mind off things. Perhaps joining a yoga class, a gym may get u up and out of the house, meeting new people and releasing some adrenaline.
2. Again im not sure of ur illness but why not enrol in uni again this year. i assume the course u were studying was something u enjoyed, so perhaps look into reapplying for it at the uni, or even at a different one if you feel u need a fresh start. if u didnt enjoy ur course then u may need to think of soemthing u would enjoy. This may sound terribly tough but im afraid this is something that no one can tell u. Work experience and really sitting down and evaulating what u want from life may be in order.
3. Why dont u get a job? I dont know ur specific circumstances but u could always do a part time job, maybe in a shop, or office.
4. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Even if he doesnt want to hear it, he needs to know and u need to tell him. Do it sooner rather than later. Do everything you can to talk to him, about it all. If he still leaves, then maybe write it down and leave him to read it so it can all sink in. But you must let him know, ideally face to face.
I hope this helps and all the best...
1. im not sure what ur illness prevents you from doing but often doing something active can take your mind off things. Perhaps joining a yoga class, a gym may get u up and out of the house, meeting new people and releasing some adrenaline.
2. Again im not sure of ur illness but why not enrol in uni again this year. i assume the course u were studying was something u enjoyed, so perhaps look into reapplying for it at the uni, or even at a different one if you feel u need a fresh start. if u didnt enjoy ur course then u may need to think of soemthing u would enjoy. This may sound terribly tough but im afraid this is something that no one can tell u. Work experience and really sitting down and evaulating what u want from life may be in order.
3. Why dont u get a job? I dont know ur specific circumstances but u could always do a part time job, maybe in a shop, or office.
4. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Even if he doesnt want to hear it, he needs to know and u need to tell him. Do it sooner rather than later. Do everything you can to talk to him, about it all. If he still leaves, then maybe write it down and leave him to read it so it can all sink in. But you must let him know, ideally face to face.
I hope this helps and all the best...
Reply 6
moham
Im sorry to hear of your problems, it sounds incredibly tough. Can i advise you to do a few things?
1. im not sure what ur illness prevents you from doing but often doing something active can take your mind off things. Perhaps joining a yoga class, a gym may get u up and out of the house, meeting new people and releasing some adrenaline.
2. Again im not sure of ur illness but why not enrol in uni again this year. i assume the course u were studying was something u enjoyed, so perhaps look into reapplying for it at the uni, or even at a different one if you feel u need a fresh start. if u didnt enjoy ur course then u may need to think of soemthing u would enjoy. This may sound terribly tough but im afraid this is something that no one can tell u. Work experience and really sitting down and evaulating what u want from life may be in order.
3. Why dont u get a job? I dont know ur specific circumstances but u could always do a part time job, maybe in a shop, or office.
4. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Even if he doesnt want to hear it, he needs to know and u need to tell him. Do it sooner rather than later. Do everything you can to talk to him, about it all. If he still leaves, then maybe write it down and leave him to read it so it can all sink in. But you must let him know, ideally face to face.
I hope this helps and all the best...
1. im not sure what ur illness prevents you from doing but often doing something active can take your mind off things. Perhaps joining a yoga class, a gym may get u up and out of the house, meeting new people and releasing some adrenaline.
2. Again im not sure of ur illness but why not enrol in uni again this year. i assume the course u were studying was something u enjoyed, so perhaps look into reapplying for it at the uni, or even at a different one if you feel u need a fresh start. if u didnt enjoy ur course then u may need to think of soemthing u would enjoy. This may sound terribly tough but im afraid this is something that no one can tell u. Work experience and really sitting down and evaulating what u want from life may be in order.
3. Why dont u get a job? I dont know ur specific circumstances but u could always do a part time job, maybe in a shop, or office.
4. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Even if he doesnt want to hear it, he needs to know and u need to tell him. Do it sooner rather than later. Do everything you can to talk to him, about it all. If he still leaves, then maybe write it down and leave him to read it so it can all sink in. But you must let him know, ideally face to face.
I hope this helps and all the best...
Hey there, thanks for your advice. In response to your points:
1) and 3): My illness physically prevents me from working and to a large extent from exercising because I get exhausted almost immediately. At my worst times a walk of a mile has stuck me in bed for a couple of days. I did get a job after leaving uni, hoping to overcome this, but had to quit because I got appallingly ill.
2): I think enrolling in uni would be good if I knew I'd be healthy, but here's another of my problems - if I want to go back to uni, my doctor has to say I'm well enough. Unfortunately I'm not, and if I lie/fake it, I won't get treated. Also, exertion in the early stages of the illness can make it exponentially worse in the later stages. So uni really doesn't look like being an option, barring some very good luck.
4): My boyfriend is aware of my past problems, but I think he dismisses them as lack of direction/me not coping with my illness, which it probably is, but my old problems are making me cope with it much worse than someone without my history would do.
I really think most of the problem is just feeling useless and as if nothing's going to improve for a long time. It's awful.
Reply 7
Some of that post sounds a bit like me. I've had a chronic illness since I was 10. I was then bullied very badly (I'm still affected now, 9 years later) when I was 11 because of the illness. Then I was left unable to talk about how I was feeling or show any emotion unless I was completely alone. My self-esteem has been so low that I genuinely believe the world will be a better place without me at least since I was 14.
Then in my gap year, my relationship with my parents was starting to have problems. It was the stuff that a lot of 18/19 year olds experience. I wanted to be independent but they didn't let me.
When I went to uni, I thought that it would be the magical cure that I really needed. It wasn't. I hated my course and soon became depressed. I decided to transfer following a huge crying fit in one of my tutorial sessions in mid-November last year. A week later, faced with uncertainty, fear and extreme sadness, I attempted suicide.
I tried to get through that phase alone. I was too ashamed to get help, even too ashamed to admit that I had a problem. I could only admit what I had done a couple of days ago.
I had taken the wrong course of action. In February, my transfer was rejected as I had been so stressed out that I missed most of a term's worth of lectures. That was on top of the 3 weeks I missed at the end of the previous term from illness relating to my suicide attempt. I had to drop out on health grounds, but it didn't help me. I was in exactly the same situation that I was in for the second half of November, and I tried to commit suicide again.
Now, here I still am. I have serious long term health problems on top of my chronic illness and I will never get better. I might be able to overcome the depression, but I will still have the illness that started all of my other problems. Also I will still have the illness that was caused by my suicide attempts.
I guess I'm trying to say that you are not alone, but a lot of what you have mentioned is similar to what I'm going through.
Then in my gap year, my relationship with my parents was starting to have problems. It was the stuff that a lot of 18/19 year olds experience. I wanted to be independent but they didn't let me.
When I went to uni, I thought that it would be the magical cure that I really needed. It wasn't. I hated my course and soon became depressed. I decided to transfer following a huge crying fit in one of my tutorial sessions in mid-November last year. A week later, faced with uncertainty, fear and extreme sadness, I attempted suicide.
I tried to get through that phase alone. I was too ashamed to get help, even too ashamed to admit that I had a problem. I could only admit what I had done a couple of days ago.
I had taken the wrong course of action. In February, my transfer was rejected as I had been so stressed out that I missed most of a term's worth of lectures. That was on top of the 3 weeks I missed at the end of the previous term from illness relating to my suicide attempt. I had to drop out on health grounds, but it didn't help me. I was in exactly the same situation that I was in for the second half of November, and I tried to commit suicide again.
Now, here I still am. I have serious long term health problems on top of my chronic illness and I will never get better. I might be able to overcome the depression, but I will still have the illness that started all of my other problems. Also I will still have the illness that was caused by my suicide attempts.
I guess I'm trying to say that you are not alone, but a lot of what you have mentioned is similar to what I'm going through.
Reply 8
Hi again
Mabe you could approach some charities to offer u help, or mabe you could go to ur local library and get some self help books, or search the net?
Mabe you could approach some charities to offer u help, or mabe you could go to ur local library and get some self help books, or search the net?
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