falling apart

don't know why I posted but felt I had to say to someone that I feel my life as I know it is falling apart. My boyfriend whom I've been with nearly 3 yrs and am at the same uni in our first yr will be living with a girl next yr that I intially shared a flat with when we came to uni and also he has loads of face to face photos of her on facebook but not me (how petty does that sound). He doesn't seem that bothered to make an effort with me and tells little lies to me but does not cheat physically but is friendly to everyone and a flirt. But i love him but sometimes I feel I am doing all the running.

He is in constant touch with this girl he is sharing with next yr and I don't know whether I will be able to hack that as I know I will feel jealous but can't show it.
He has always said he will not go off with anyone else as he has to know them first, is he just being like this because he wants me to say enough is enough I do not know.

I do know this girl likes him though and I do know he is lazy so he will be quite happy to go along with what ever she suggests like going out, make me just want to girl up in a ball and give in now. I love him and he says he loves me but like my mother used to say actions speak louderthan words,
orry abut this but just had to tell someone.

Reply 1

Seoid

You're in a tough situation. Does you bf know how you feel about all this? Or have you kept it all back? If he does know, and he doesn't care, then I think you have to consider whether the relationship is good for you or not. Respect is fundamental to a good relationship and it seems to me that he isn't respecting your feelings and is actually doing quite a lot to hurt you deliberately. Perhaps he's trying to push you away?

Your mum is right that actions speak louder than words - he can say he loves you all he likes but someone that really loves you would be careful not to hurt you, would be aware of your feelings and wouldn't lie to you. You should try to talk to him and sort this out.

Reply 2

randomgirl

14

You should speak to your boyfriend. That's the only way you'll be able to resolve it.

He might not realise that you are suffering in silence, and have a problem. Let him know.

Communication is an important part of a relationship. Three years is a long time, and something must've been keeping you together. After all that time, surely you can pluck up the courage to voice your worries?

good luck :smile:

Reply 3

SmilerNuts

15

yeah, if you have been together 3 years and you still don't feel you can trust him or easily communicate your fears to him then doesn't that say a lot about your relationship?

I think you're bound to fear the worst and nothing will probably happen but it's likely to prey on your mind until you sit down and actually talk to him about it.

Reply 4

dying-flower

jeez! i don't envy you this situation...
Well what has he been like the past three years of your realtionhip? has he cheated? has he always flirted or is it something differnt with this girl?
I kn ow you don't want to uch it, in case he gets funny ( well thats what I read inbetween the lines ) But you can't be left to feel like this. He should make equal effort in a relationship, and without trust, well the relationship could get very very rocky...
you say that you know this girl. do you reckon that she would actually try and get together with him even though she knew he was taken? It all depends a lot on their personalities!
I wish you lots and lots of luck! and Please let us know how it is going!
xxx

Reply 5

Tag

8

why aren't you sharing a flat with him?

Reply 6

dying-flower

Tag

why aren't you sharing a flat with him?

um thats a point! I forgot to ask that! Is there are articular reason he is sharing with her and not you?

Reply 7

Ang|ophi|e

12

This guys doesn't sound like he is worth it. But before you go jumping to conclusions you should talk to him first. Tell him how you are feeling. Explain to him any of your insecurities. If he blows it off then it's quite obvious that it's time to move on. But hopefully he listens and he makes an attempt to fix things. Whenever stuff like this happens in a relationship communication is key.

Reply 8

Unregistered

Anonymous

don't know why I posted but felt I had to say to someone that I feel my life as I know it is falling apart. My boyfriend whom I've been with nearly 3 yrs and am at the same uni in our first yr will be living with a girl next yr that I intially shared a flat with when we came to uni and also he has loads of face to face photos of her on facebook but not me (how petty does that sound). He doesn't seem that bothered to make an effort with me and tells little lies to me but does not cheat physically but is friendly to everyone and a flirt. But i love him but sometimes I feel I am doing all the running.

He is in constant touch with this girl he is sharing with next yr and I don't know whether I will be able to hack that as I know I will feel jealous but can't show it.
He has always said he will not go off with anyone else as he has to know them first, is he just being like this because he wants me to say enough is enough I do not know.

I do know this girl likes him though and I do know he is lazy so he will be quite happy to go along with what ever she suggests like going out, make me just want to girl up in a ball and give in now. I love him and he says he loves me but like my mother used to say actions speak louderthan words,
orry abut this but just had to tell someone.

What does that mean? That he would if he knew them? If you have to fight to keep him, he's not the one.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks for your replies, I often wonder why I am not sharing with him this yr as he always said we would but this is how it happened. In sept we came to uni and we had self catering accom which is slightly off campus he was put in a flat with 4 boys and me with 4 girls. In the flat was the girl I am mentioning.

Bacause they put my boyfriend with 2nd and third yrs he didn't gel with them and came over to our flat quite often. Anyway just before xmas he decided he was missing male company and thought he was missing out socially so decided to switch to halls. I then decided perhaps I should do the same but different halls (Perhaps I shouldn't have done in retrospect) and what decided it was during xmas hols this girl rang him up to ask where she should get ordered pizza from and not bothered to ontact me at all. stupid I know but noticiable at the time.
Anyway just after xmas everyone was deciding who to share with and he said he wanted to share with all boys and so I duly went about integrating with some other girls but there was still an option to share with this girl and another of my "old" flatmates. Anyway the boys decided they like a house which didn't have roomfor my boyfriend int the meantime I had said I would share with these girls as I didn't much want to share with the ex flatmate girl. I did look around for others to share with but most people having been in halls from the beginning were sorted. So he then decided as he din't have much of an option as he said to live with said girl and said girlfound another boy also. Hence he is now sharing with her.

Also at the same time he started going out clubbing with her and her friends saying that you don't go clubbing with your girlfriend and had loads of photos of her and some cheek to cheek with her on his phone.At the same time I mentioned about interailing and then when he came back after his weeks hol ( I don't get one) he had text his old guy friends to arrange interailing with them. (He has said we will go 2 weeks before there hol and meet up with his mates and then he will carry on travelling.

We did nearly break up at Easter but we went on holiday andaway from his computer and uni he was fantastic and we got really close again and we talked and talked and he said he would try to be a "better boyfriend andtake more notice of me".

Anyway now he's back to not including me in things but includes her,that is why I am dying inside.

I don't know if I should expect less as it is our first relationship, I do love him very much but it is hard when he puts his feeling always first and then when I mention that I am hurt etc he is terribly apologetic but never seems to change from it.
Am I just fooling myself?

sorry for long thread

Reply 10

Ang|ophi|e

12

It sounds to me like this guy is a jerk. What can of bf includes some girl and excludes his own gf? Have you talked to him? If he keeps excluding you maybe it's time to break up with him...

Reply 11

SmilerNuts

15

he surely can't have been like that for 3 years or else you would have broken up with him by now. Some people do stupid stuff in their first relationships cause they don't know any better and have no experience or frame of reference. maybe you're letting him off with too much.
Let him know you aint gonna be messed around and if things don't change for the better soon then he risks losing you

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

he hasn't been like that all the 3 yrs, I have talked to him but I suppose I don't want to let him go, he seems not to think to include me and wonders why I'm hurt and then of course it looks like I'm getting at him all the time.

if you met him he would come across as a nice guy and he is as he would listen to you ( hence why all the girls like him sa well he is good looking). But I suppose you can't make someone be something there not, I wonder if he is doing it deliberate so I will finish with him so he wouldn't to be to blame so to speak.
Thats why I feel horrible and waiting for him to decide things before I can go ahead and do things, otherwise I would not see him very much and I do love being with him. uhh

Reply 13

khil

15

Anonymous

don't know why I posted but felt I had to say to someone that I feel my life as I know it is falling apart. My boyfriend whom I've been with nearly 3 yrs and am at the same uni in our first yr will be living with a girl next yr that I intially shared a flat with when we came to uni and also he has loads of face to face photos of her on facebook but not me (how petty does that sound). He doesn't seem that bothered to make an effort with me and tells little lies to me but does not cheat physically but is friendly to everyone and a flirt. But i love him but sometimes I feel I am doing all the running.

He is in constant touch with this girl he is sharing with next yr and I don't know whether I will be able to hack that as I know I will feel jealous but can't show it.
He has always said he will not go off with anyone else as he has to know them first, is he just being like this because he wants me to say enough is enough I do not know.

I do know this girl likes him though and I do know he is lazy so he will be quite happy to go along with what ever she suggests like going out, make me just want to girl up in a ball and give in now. I love him and he says he loves me but like my mother used to say actions speak louderthan words,
orry abut this but just had to tell someone.

If your bf doesn't care, then he obviously doesn't love you enough and therefore you should break up with him and leave him now.

And if he cares, talk to him about it and if he loves you so much, he would realise that this really bothers you and therefore not live with the girl next year. You have legitimate reasons (eg, girl fancies him) for not wanting them to live together.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

we have all signed contracts now, and he probably would deny that she fancied him anyway. He would say I'm overeacting

Reply 15

Profesh

20

Stockholm.

Syndrome.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

profesh, what do you mean?

Reply 17

sauce

13

stockholm syndrome is when you fall in love with the person you are closest to without wanting to??? :s-smilie:

I only know that because it's a muse song .... :rolleyes:

"Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases, and bride kidnapping. The syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg, Stockholm, Sweden, in which the bank robbers held bank employees hostage from August 23 to August 28 in 1973. In this case, the victims became emotionally attached to their victimizers, and even defended their captors after they were freed from their six-day ordeal. The term Stockholm Syndrome was coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot, who assisted the police during the robbery, and referred to the syndrome in a news broadcast."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

Reply 18

SmilerNuts

15

actually i've got a few guy friends who do try and distance thenmselves from a girl so that the girl does the dumping and they don't have to feel as bad, not necessarily what is happening here though. Sometimes guys just need some space and if a girl comes accross as being too clingy then that pushes them further away. maybe you should try doing all the other things you wanted to and then he'll see you have a life apart from him and maybe he'll show interest again. it's possible he just takes you for granted cause it's been like 3 years (wow congrats btw, i'd struggle to last that long). Saying that though, if he is gonna break up with you and you start paying less attention to him then it may just accelerate the process. wow, that was one useless post :p:

Thanks for explaining Stockholm Syndrome, always wondered about that but how does that apply here? i'm not sure i see what the point is.

falling apart

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