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Tearing me apart NEED HELP watch

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    Okay so i am currently with an amazing guy and have been for nearly a year and a half now :-) I was his first, however I lost my virginity in a way that I really didn't want to and really regret it now as I was really pressured into it by my first and now ex-boyfriend. After my first ever kiss he tried to have sex with me until i stopped it and then after that I felt like I had to ( I was really kind of desperate and naive ) otherwise he would leave. I did genuinely like him and thought he did too but obviously not as he dumped me via text (classy) after 2 months.
    I felt really down after this and honestly felt so rejected and lonely, it was an awful time in my life because I regretted losing what I had been trying to keep to someone like that.
    Anyway me and my current boyfriend were really good friends at that time (we met in March) because we worked at the same place together. He also asked me out like a week after i got with my ex , and I now wish he had done it before or none of this would have happened but I guess i just wasn't ready for it yet :-). So yeah I told him I was with someone else and I thought maybe he had got over me so I didn't want to go crying to him because I felt like I was using him.

    Then there's a guy who got on my college bus and we would talk a bit and we hung out a couple of times and I liked him (again me being stupid and naive) , but for some reason he ignore me for an entire year before he started talking to me on facebook again. It was just after the break up so I was desperate for some kind of attention (btw I was home alone because my parents were on holiday) so when he asked me if i wanted to go to a concert with him and his friends I said yes.
    I had thought that there would be maybe another girl there but it was just him and a male friend, and his friend had a room to himself while me and him were sharing a room with a DOUBLE bed. I felt a bit weird about it but I got so drunk , I don't even remember half the night. I have never been that drunk before and I never want to be again. So yeah we ended up sleeping together and I can't even remember it all that well I can only remember like snippets and its horrible. I regretted it so much the next morning and just wanted to cry because it wasn't me at all :-(
    He was kinda nice to me the few days after I'd got home and because I thought maybe he wanted to start something with me I invited him round to watch something. However he took this as a booty call and I kind of felt pressurised to sleep with him again. I regretted it instantly and wanted to stop while we were doing it but felt like this was the only way anyone would ever like me, even if it was just for a few minutes.
    Anyway after that he left and didnt speak to me again.

    So, I did some thinking and realised that I didn't have to be this person and actually I was much better than that and also I realised that my now boyfriend had always been there for me and i had been denying my feelings for him a bit. So in October we started going out :-)

    Fast forward to nearly a year after that and I blurt out that I slept with this guy while I was drunk at the concert (he knew I'd gone but not that I'd slept with him). He was so upset and he cried in front of me, I honestly felt like the worst person in the world and hated myself so much. It was a really difficult time and it was the worst few weeks of our relationship because it was so sad and I hated re-living what I'd tried to forget but also hated myself for how I could make my boyfriend so unhappy.However we got through it and are now even stronger :-)

    And now we come to what is tearing me apart inside. I didn't tell him about the second time I slept with the guy. I've told myself that it's for the best for our relationship and that it's in the past and what matters now but lately whenever I'm not with my boyfriend I've had these obsessive thoughts about it and what if he found out and him leaving me if I did. Its even gone to the point where sometimes if he doesn't reply to a text I think its because he's found out and doesn't want to talk to me.
    I am in pieces because I thought I'd moved on and I dont know where this has come from!
    I was 17 when this happened and I'm 19 now, and thanks to my boyfriend, I am a completely different person. What I did back then wasn't me and I want to forget about the past and focus on the amazing future I could have but somehow I can't seem to :-(
    I'd be grateful for any advice please x
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    Ok, big ass paragraph, but this is what i've got from it.

    You feel super guilty about not telling your current boyfriend about you having sex for the second time with this guy, but you told him about the first which left him distraught by the sounds of things? I hope ive got it

    If what I said above was right, it does sound like you're stuck in a bit of a sticky situation, you want to be honest with him and tell him about the second time but after his reaction to the first you dont want to get him in a state like that again. Honestly, if its getting to a point where you cant enjoy the relationship because you've got the guilt hanging above your head, you need to tell him. Because you two have lasted so long AND gotten through the first time you told him, you stand a pretty decent chance of getting through this. Ofc you need to be VERY sensitive about it, if he was seriously affected the first time you told him theres a good chance he will this time, but like I said previously if you got through it once you can get through it again.

    Hope this helped.
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    (Original post by CptConnor)
    Ok, big ass paragraph, but this is what i've got from it.

    You feel super guilty about not telling your current boyfriend about you having sex for the second time with this guy, but you told him about the first which left him distraught by the sounds of things? I hope ive got it

    If what I said above was right, it does sound like you're stuck in a bit of a sticky situation, you want to be honest with him and tell him about the second time but after his reaction to the first you dont want to get him in a state like that again. Honestly, if its getting to a point where you cant enjoy the relationship because you've got the guilt hanging above your head, you need to tell him. Because you two have lasted so long AND gotten through the first time you told him, you stand a pretty decent chance of getting through this. Ofc you need to be VERY sensitive about it, if he was seriously affected the first time you told him theres a good chance he will this time, but like I said previously if you got through it once you can get through it again.

    Hope this helped.

    Yeah that's right :-) thanks for the advice . I'm not sure what to do as I want to leave the past in the past and focus on being with him now and in the future . I want to forget about everything that happened because it was kind of a rebound thing and I was not me at all. Now I am a much better person and have changed so much .I do feel guilty but I thought that I had moved on, but for the past few weeks I've been having all these obsessive thoughts and i just don't know why and how to deal with them .
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    (Original post by badwolf1512)
    Yeah that's right :-) thanks for the advice . I'm not sure what to do as I want to leave the past in the past and focus on being with him now and in the future . I want to forget about everything that happened because it was kind of a rebound thing and I was not me at all. Now I am a much better person and have changed so much .I do feel guilty but I thought that I had moved on, but for the past few weeks I've been having all these obsessive thoughts and i just don't know why and how to deal with them .
    No worries, If its the obsessive thoughts thats getting you worked up you need to try to find a way to stop them from coming into your mind in the first place. So this could be thinking rationally or asking him about something he says if it concerns you.

    If its only just come on in the past few weeks, it'll no doubt blow over in the next few, you just need to remain positive and try to work past them
 
 
 
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