Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Is it bad that he hardly ever pays for dates? Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    This sounds really petty ... But I'm not a materialistic person usually, it's just some aquintances and stuff were talking about it and they insisted that guys should pay at least some of the times and they said that there's a bit of a problem if he doesn't at least pay some of the time. So that lead to me overthinking and analysing .. Tbh I'm just looking for reassurance or something, I don't know.
    So this guy I've been dating for a year now, we were really close friends first for half a year before he asked me to be his girlfriend straight away, withou the 'dating before being exclusive thing'. Great. We met each other in college and we're both 18 now.
    Generally he's a sweet person, he offers coats, listens to me, comforts me, apologises quickly in any arguments, cuddling, being affectionate, sending romantic messages etc.
    Buuut he has basically never paid. He paid a few times for sweets etc but when we go on dates and stuff we always go Dutch
    I'm not sure if this is because of his parents, they're really old fashioned Indian parents that don't believe in dating and stuff ... And they give him a bank card so they can track his spendings and stuff, it's super weird. Maybe that's the reason? He does scrap together money to give me for special days etc but never gifts ... He says he doesn't have time to and saves a couple of pounds a week for like 2 or 3 months which I appreciate but with me (I have strict parents) ... I still manage to give him gifts by sneaking out by saying it's someone's birthday and using the money and time to buy him something ... And I'd think that if I was a guy id try to pay for dates even if it was really hard... I'll find a way
    Maybe he's not that persevering or something... I don't know. I do put in the effort to buy him little things... I'm wondering if it's more because of his strict parents or what. Maybe I should see in uni when he has a bit more freedom?
    Typing this up... Now I feel petty and materialistic lol. It's been a lot day and overthinking this. Sorry.
    But I'll post this because I spent a long time typing
    So tldr : do you think the guy should pay at least some times or can there be exceptions? And he can still care for you a lot even without the whole paying thing?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Tbh I've been amongst groups of girls where they all talk about how you should take advantage and make guys pay for everything and should constantly expect gifts from him. It doesn't make sense because if your boyfriend is an unemployed student just like you then why is it fair to expect him to pay for everything when he's just as broke as you are? Whoever is in the better position to pay for things should do it, regardless of whether they're male or female
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This sounds really petty ... But I'm not a materialistic person usually, it's just some aquintances and stuff were talking about it and they insisted that guys should pay at least some of the times and they said that there's a bit of a problem if he doesn't at least pay some of the time. So that lead to me overthinking and analysing .. Tbh I'm just looking for reassurance or something, I don't know.
    So this guy I've been dating for a year now, we were really close friends first for half a year before he asked me to be his girlfriend straight away, withou the 'dating before being exclusive thing'. Great. We met each other in college and we're both 18 now.
    Generally he's a sweet person, he offers coats, listens to me, comforts me, apologises quickly in any arguments, cuddling, being affectionate, sending romantic messages etc.
    Buuut he has basically never paid. He paid a few times for sweets etc but when we go on dates and stuff we always go Dutch
    I'm not sure if this is because of his parents, they're really old fashioned Indian parents that don't believe in dating and stuff ... And they give him a bank card so they can track his spendings and stuff, it's super weird. Maybe that's the reason? He does scrap together money to give me for special days etc but never gifts ... He says he doesn't have time to and saves a couple of pounds a week for like 2 or 3 months which I appreciate but with me (I have strict parents) ... I still manage to give him gifts by sneaking out by saying it's someone's birthday and using the money and time to buy him something ... And I'd think that if I was a guy id try to pay for dates even if it was really hard... I'll find a way
    Maybe he's not that persevering or something... I don't know. I do put in the effort to buy him little things... I'm wondering if it's more because of his strict parents or what. Maybe I should see in uni when he has a bit more freedom?
    Typing this up... Now I feel petty and materialistic lol. It's been a lot day and overthinking this. Sorry.
    But I'll post this because I spent a long time typing
    So tldr : do you think the guy should pay at least some times or can there be exceptions? And he can still care for you a lot even without the whole paying thing?
    So he does pay, he pays half. That's perfectly reasonable, it's not as though you're paying for him.

    Your description of him sounds very caring, so I don't see what the issue is.

    The idea that men need to pay for dates, as stated by your acquaintances, harks back to a time where men provided and women stayed at home to look pretty, cook, and pop out children. We don't live in that time anymore.

    To my eyes, there's no real problem here.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This sounds really petty ... But I'm not a materialistic person usually, it's just some aquintances and stuff were talking about it and they insisted that guys should pay at least some of the times and they said that there's a bit of a problem if he doesn't at least pay some of the time. So that lead to me overthinking and analysing .. Tbh I'm just looking for reassurance or something, I don't know.
    So this guy I've been dating for a year now, we were really close friends first for half a year before he asked me to be his girlfriend straight away, withou the 'dating before being exclusive thing'. Great. We met each other in college and we're both 18 now.
    Generally he's a sweet person, he offers coats, listens to me, comforts me, apologises quickly in any arguments, cuddling, being affectionate, sending romantic messages etc.
    Buuut he has basically never paid. He paid a few times for sweets etc but when we go on dates and stuff we always go Dutch
    I'm not sure if this is because of his parents, they're really old fashioned Indian parents that don't believe in dating and stuff ... And they give him a bank card so they can track his spendings and stuff, it's super weird. Maybe that's the reason? He does scrap together money to give me for special days etc but never gifts ... He says he doesn't have time to and saves a couple of pounds a week for like 2 or 3 months which I appreciate but with me (I have strict parents) ... I still manage to give him gifts by sneaking out by saying it's someone's birthday and using the money and time to buy him something ... And I'd think that if I was a guy id try to pay for dates even if it was really hard... I'll find a way
    Maybe he's not that persevering or something... I don't know. I do put in the effort to buy him little things... I'm wondering if it's more because of his strict parents or what. Maybe I should see in uni when he has a bit more freedom?
    Typing this up... Now I feel petty and materialistic lol. It's been a lot day and overthinking this. Sorry.
    But I'll post this because I spent a long time typing
    So tldr : do you think the guy should pay at least some times or can there be exceptions? And he can still care for you a lot even without the whole paying thing?
    He pays half.
    What is the problem?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    I think he is trying to do his best , so yeahh imo not his problem & he sounds a good guy tbh
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Sounds like a sensible lad
    • Very Important Poster
    Online

    19
    Very Important Poster
    What they said he pays half and you are complaining he doesnt pay for everything occasionally? You are lucky he pays half, i was thinkiing it was someone who leeches off you. If the rest bothers you that much just stop treating him.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    To be honest, in my opinion, the whole "guys paying for dates" thing seems a bit outdated. Going dutch is a good option, so then you both have equal contribution.

    But as someone said above, it's not like he's not paying at all, and the way you've described him makes it seem like he does have some great qualities. Don't let perceived "norms" dictate your relationship. If things feel right, and its not causing a a financial strain on you and you're happy with him and the situation, then just continue to be happy in your relationship with him otherwise talk it out with him to see if there is a problem on his side which orevents him from paying when he wants to (like you said, his parents are strict, so it would be a bit unfair to judge him as not caring enough to persevere. It can be hard with strict parents to do that kind of thing).

    And the whole you giving gifts and him not returning it thing...i'm like that too. I give gifts, but rarely receive them back unless its a special occassion. However, considering the fact that my SO works internationally, and always comes to visit me as I'm doing my Masters, and he doesn't want to disturb me by making me visit him, compensates for this. Nothing is more valuable to me than him giving me his time and care, and the fact that he values me enough to not put pressure on me. But again, if the lack of receiving gifts in return for you giving them is a concern, then it's best to talk things out with him to gain some clarity, and to get peace of mind that it's not his fault that he is unable to reciprocate in the way that you'd perhaps want him to.

    Hope you manage to sort things out
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    A large part of me feels like there's no rproblem, I reckon it's been a bad day for me and to hear them discussing it made me overthink and everything. Sorry
    Yeah if he was leeching no way, that's just entirely wrong unless he was insanely poor and not all the time.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    He's not your daddy, why do you think he should pay for you?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    If he's paying half, then that seems entirely fair to me.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    loooool. the problem here is that youre paying attention to your friends. females value their friends more than anything; but in this particular scenario; them girls are idiots.

    yes. you read me right. tell your friends shutup fam. the man tries his best with what he has (goes dutch all the time and everything) and there you are trying to cough up more from him (when you KNOW that he can't); have you ever wondered why You're the one in this amazing relationship and they aren't?

    your friends sound like gold-diggers tbh. closet ones though. i'd be wary of them.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 13, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.