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    I've never spoken to anyone about what really goes on in my head. Past 5+ years I've felt distant from people which I guess was fine to an extent and now that emptiness/loneliness is kinda crushing. I'm 22 soon. I'd ask where the years have gone but I know I have spent most of them wandering through my own little world. I swear I could daydream for England.

    This crushing feeling really properly hit me two days ago when I admitted to my mum things I've been feeling for the best part of 6 months. She burst into tears as I guess I expected and all I felt was anger, aimed at myself, and guilt for upsetting her. She told me how all the family loves me and just wants the best for me but they were just words, it sparked no emotional response from me.

    Anyway, she basically booked a doctor's appointment for me and took me there yesterday (that would normally be embarrassing but the feeling of sadness was just overwhelming during that appointment). I guess I only told the doctor what I felt comfortable discussing, ended up with two weeks' worth of antidepressants. They said it takes months to work but to comeback and see them after the two weeks to discuss it further.

    I reckon i've been hearing voices before yesterday.When I try to fall asleep I begin the usual negative thinking ritual. Blasting music on my headphones helps drown it out but then it doesn't help with sleep (unless i've had a bit to drink then it's easier to nod off with music blaring). Past month or so, I'll think something bad about myself while trying to sleep and I hear another voice agree with that thought. It changes every time. I should point out that I don't think I was bullied at school, I might have got the odd comment from some knobhead but I didn't go through hell like a few poor souls in my year. Nor did I feel bullied at work, everyone ripped on each other every chance they got to make their mind-numbingly boring job bearable. So these voices are people I have worked with/went to school with/friends/family. If I can remember a conversation with that person and replay their voice in my head it might be them, never a voice I haven't heard before. When my eyes are closed and trying to sleep there are images from the darkness too. Distorted person-shaped shadows that lean toward or away from me,or spin around me. Like in a film when someone is knocked on their arse and they look up at people stood leaning over them. Quite often I feel like something lightly touches me while trying to sleep, like something crawls over my arm, then up my leg or across the back of my head. Sometimes it feels like a crawl, sometimes like something just landed there.

    On the way home from the doctors yesterday, my mum was telling me about her day at work (she works with young children) and how there was a teacher dressed as batman and she asked him to visit her class to talk to the children there. I was picturing it as she described it all then suddenly snapped out of it and started to talk to myself in my head I guess? I was arguing with myself I think and it was quite frightening (even typing this bit out made my heart race). I argued about how those children were lied to and deceived. Adults lie to kids though, pretending to be a superhero is harmless.Then you grow up and realize how **** everything really is. Wow you just took a perfectly nice story and turned it on its head you prick. This is the first time I've actually conversed with myself in my head as myself if that makes any sense, or spoke back to my own voice in my head?

    Later on in the evening it happened again. I probably over think things way too much. I replayed the doctor's appointment over again in my head. They said the tablets won't have much effect after two weeks. They said book an appointment at reception to come back and see me. The receptionist said they only do on-the-day bookings and that this doctor was like temporary or something or didn't have fixed days. My mum asked the pharmacist if students pay for prescriptions but I didn't tick any of the boxes. The pharmacist said we'd have to pay, apologized and said it was daft that it was only two weeks' worth. This other me in my head steps in and chuckles. They ****ed you over. They are just another person doing a job and they couldn't give a flying **** what you feel. Yeah I guess you're right I felt it before when I tried counselling. They looked right through me as well. I told myself that the doctor tricking me was delusional. But the thought still niggles at me

    This doctor recommended talking to people who I trust about how I feel so this is me trying to start. Since I don't trust anybody I'll just do this for now. I feel better for typing up some of my thoughts.
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    (Original post by lettherebedrums)
    I've never spoken to anyone about what really goes on in my head. Past 5+ years I've felt distant from people which I guess was fine to an extent and now that emptiness/loneliness is kinda crushing. I'm 22 soon. I'd ask where the years have gone but I know I have spent most of them wandering through my own little world. I swear I could daydream for England.

    This crushing feeling really properly hit me two days ago when I admitted to my mum things I've been feeling for the best part of 6 months. She burst into tears as I guess I expected and all I felt was anger, aimed at myself, and guilt for upsetting her. She told me how all the family loves me and just wants the best for me but they were just words, it sparked no emotional response from me.

    Anyway, she basically booked a doctor's appointment for me and took me there yesterday (that would normally be embarrassing but the feeling of sadness was just overwhelming during that appointment). I guess I only told the doctor what I felt comfortable discussing, ended up with two weeks' worth of antidepressants. They said it takes months to work but to comeback and see them after the two weeks to discuss it further.

    I reckon i've been hearing voices before yesterday.When I try to fall asleep I begin the usual negative thinking ritual. Blasting music on my headphones helps drown it out but then it doesn't help with sleep (unless i've had a bit to drink then it's easier to nod off with music blaring). Past month or so, I'll think something bad about myself while trying to sleep and I hear another voice agree with that thought. It changes every time. I should point out that I don't think I was bullied at school, I might have got the odd comment from some knobhead but I didn't go through hell like a few poor souls in my year. Nor did I feel bullied at work, everyone ripped on each other every chance they got to make their mind-numbingly boring job bearable. So these voices are people I have worked with/went to school with/friends/family. If I can remember a conversation with that person and replay their voice in my head it might be them, never a voice I haven't heard before. When my eyes are closed and trying to sleep there are images from the darkness too. Distorted person-shaped shadows that lean toward or away from me,or spin around me. Like in a film when someone is knocked on their arse and they look up at people stood leaning over them. Quite often I feel like something lightly touches me while trying to sleep, like something crawls over my arm, then up my leg or across the back of my head. Sometimes it feels like a crawl, sometimes like something just landed there.

    On the way home from the doctors yesterday, my mum was telling me about her day at work (she works with young children) and how there was a teacher dressed as batman and she asked him to visit her class to talk to the children there. I was picturing it as she described it all then suddenly snapped out of it and started to talk to myself in my head I guess? I was arguing with myself I think and it was quite frightening (even typing this bit out made my heart race). I argued about how those children were lied to and deceived. Adults lie to kids though, pretending to be a superhero is harmless.Then you grow up and realize how **** everything really is. Wow you just took a perfectly nice story and turned it on its head you prick. This is the first time I've actually conversed with myself in my head as myself if that makes any sense, or spoke back to my own voice in my head?

    Later on in the evening it happened again. I probably over think things way too much. I replayed the doctor's appointment over again in my head. They said the tablets won't have much effect after two weeks. They said book an appointment at reception to come back and see me. The receptionist said they only do on-the-day bookings and that this doctor was like temporary or something or didn't have fixed days. My mum asked the pharmacist if students pay for prescriptions but I didn't tick any of the boxes. The pharmacist said we'd have to pay, apologized and said it was daft that it was only two weeks' worth. This other me in my head steps in and chuckles. They ****ed you over. They are just another person doing a job and they couldn't give a flying **** what you feel. Yeah I guess you're right I felt it before when I tried counselling. They looked right through me as well. I told myself that the doctor tricking me was delusional. But the thought still niggles at me

    This doctor recommended talking to people who I trust about how I feel so this is me trying to start. Since I don't trust anybody I'll just do this for now. I feel better for typing up some of my thoughts.
    Hi there. It's really brave to start opening up so well done for taking that first step and good luck taking it further.
    Did you know samaritans have an email service for you to talk about anything that's bothering you? It helped me when I was starting to try to open up about things. It's anonymous and you get a reply within a day I think. Getting a reply helped me feel less strange about typing it out and it helped give me a bit of direction for what to talk about too.

    Good luck with the ADs. Mine made me feel strange for a while but eventually they really started helping. Therapy helped me a lot too especially group therapy cos it helped me realise I wasn't alone. You're doing great and taking some good steps to getting better. It isn't easy but you can do it.
 
 
 
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