The Student Room Group

self confidence

hey

basically i have low self confidence. i've had this ever since i moved to the uk, which is ike 10ish years. this is somethingo i've been fighting with myself for years and years, and it's not getting any better. i want to be that someone who has confidence to do whatever she wants, and will psyche myself up so much when i'm in my room, by myself, in the company of ppl that i know, but when i get into a situation i'm uncomfortable in, i'll run away.

this is stopping me from doing the things i want to do. and being the person i want to be. i keep telling myself i'll change later, or i'l have another opportunity, but i'm worried that they'll stop coming, and i'll keep running.

i don't know what i really want from this post, but i'm just too chicken to do anything really substantial to myself. i really don't know what to do...i'm way too scared at the time, but when i'm here alone, i keep kicking myself.

it's just ike social situations basically, or extra curicular situations. like if there's a certain group of peopl that i've built up to be amazing in my head, the popular group if u will, i'll get all tongue tied and shy and just run if i can. but in my room really wish i could be friends with them.
or if i'm trying to run for a position in a society, i get all nervous and can't say what i wanna say. argh...i dunno why i'm posting this, i'm guess i'm just wondering if any can acutally help me?! i can't seem to help myself atm, where i am now...it's like i dream about doing all these things, but i just can't get there...(is this self confidence thing a personality trait that i just can't change?)

xxxxxxx

ps thanx so much if u've managed to read this far down...
Seriously, I can relate to every single thing in your post. I become an entirely different person in situations with people who I don't know, in unfamiliar places and situations where the focus is on me. I kick myself because I know what I'm capable of, my friends and family know what I'm capable of yet I will still let myself down - time and time again!

I'm sure this won't help you but I think it's important for you to know that we aren't alone.
I think I can also relate to some things here.Not so much now but ever since I was very young until I was about 18 or so I had issues with self confidence,always thinking I sucked and I was stupid and no one wanted me around and I'll admit that I didnt think it would ever get better. But it did.I think you need to just grow out of it.It is possible to grow out of these things and become more and more confident in yourself.If the 17 year old me were to see myself now I would not believe how much I have grown.
As for your desire to become friends with a certain crew,I think you might be setting your sights a little too high and biting off more than you can chew.If you keep getting all tongue-tied around them prhaps they're not the type of people you would feel comfortable and happy being around.Try to stick with people you feel you can be yourself around.
Reply 3
This is a very common problem on here, and you need to know that you are not alone. As to an actual response to your post, the first thing that I will say is this: There is nothing that you cannot change.
I used to be in a very similar situation to you, I always felt that I wasn't as good as everyone else, or that, maybe, I wasn't trying as hard as I could do. I felt this way because I was in a selective school, and so there was always someone better at anything that I would try and do.
The changing point in my life was getting a job. It was in a pub, so forced me into the social situations, and I had the knowledge that, if I didn't push on through with it, I both, wouldn't get paid and would be letting other people down. This is what gave me the experience that I needed to become more confident in my own abilities, and to be able to get out and enjoy myself.
Another thing I can recommend is to join either a public speaking society, or an amateur dramatics society, because, while both require you to speak to people, they also give you scripts. You know what to say, and you know that what you are saying is correct, which is a sort of safety net, making sure that you have something to say.
Overall, I would say that, while you can change anything about yourself, it is you, and only you that can take the first step. You just need to build up the confidence to do it.

And now to end the speech with my customary Monty Python quote:
"You'll see it's all a show, just keep 'em laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you!"
Reply 4
hey guys, thanx for ure replies...it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one who feels ike this...

i think i'm just scared to make that first step, or once i made hat first step, i won't make any more. and i'm not sure what i'm afraid of. sometimes i think i have nothing to lose, but then i think actually i do. but i'm not entirely sure what. i think i put too mcuh pressure on myself to perform as i hope to...

is there anything else i can do? i'm just despairing now cos i've felt like this so lvng, and i've tried to help myslef, but so fair it hasn't worked, and it's just so discouraging.

xxxxx
Reply 5
Do you know why you feel like this? If you could figure out why you feel so insecure, perhaps you could do something to improve how you feel.

Or if it doesn't seem to be anything in particular, maybe it's just that you're unused to unfamiliar enviroments, which you immediately perceive to be threatening?
Reply 6
Bear in mind that EVERYONE experiences this to some extent - even the "popular group" that you get tongue-tied around. I used to have a serious self-confidence issue and I could relate to everything you just posted but I got sick of it, and although it's sooo hard - you have to take that first step and force yourself into situations you wouldn't usually see yourself in.

Start talking to people you wouldn't usually talk to (and if this results in a negative experience, ignore it, move on!). Once you've jumped the first few hurdles it gets so much easier and your confidence grows with it so that you don't have to "think" about facing situations.

Good luck :smile:
Reply 7
yeah, i spose...i dunno, i'm just a person that likes to 'play things safe'...but i'm thinking it can't really be who i am, if i'm so dissatisfied with it, can it? most of the friends i've made so far are 'safe friends'...and now i'm finding that i have less and lss in common with them than i thouhgt. which is gd in that maybe it shows that i'm not supposed to be like this, but then it makes me lose confidence in that i'm finding it so hard to find real true friends.

i'm not sure what is holding me back. it's just so weird, cos until i moved here, as a kid i was the cockiest kid ever. now, it's just so totally differnt. it's weird also, in that sometimes i find myself being who i want to be, for like a couple hours, but then i realise i am, get a bit freaked out, and then revert to being safe and boring again...

xxxx
Reply 8
You're playing it safe because you have an underlying fear of being hurt. You first must get over this fear by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations! (I know it sounds like horrible advice, telling you to be uncomfortable, but this is what helped me get over it).

I experienced the exact same thing as you, I had times when I was completely different, and much more confident, and then I'd just revert back to safe old me again.

Force yourself into a social situation, go to a party, talk to people you usually wouldn't talk to, maybe chat to someone in the library? (If they aren't revising :p:) Just something you wouldn't usually do, and do it gradually and in no time it won't become such a challenge.
:hugs: You are not alone. I have really low self esteem, going back to when I was 11 and was bullied. I thought that I was a bad person and wanted to find out what I had done to deserve something like that. There must have been something. I've always been shy but since I was bullied I genuinely believe that the world will be a better place without me.
I know how you feel and although my self confidence has improved a lot, i have found a trick which has worked while meeting new people (university open days etc).
When meeting new people, I kind of imagine myself as a really confident person. I think about all the characteristics I would like to have meeting new people... interesting/chatty etc and then act like I am that person.
Not sure if ive explained that very well, but after a while i forget about the acting part and am just myself but more confident.

I agree with LaurenFah as well though, definately try out new situations!

Hope that made sense and good luck!
Yes this playing it safe thing, I have seen it in soo many threads (I do it myself). It does stop us from hurting ourselves, but we do have to do a manual override sometimes and take a chance, easier said than done tho!

Anonymous

i keep telling myself I'll change later, or I'll have another opportunity, but I'm worried that they'll stop coming, and I'll keep running.


I do this to (telling myself I will change later) ! So thanks because you have summed it up well, I don't think that they will run out, I have thought they would, but more come all the time (for me to throw away, Lol).

Anonymous

but when I'm here alone, i keep kicking myself.


I do this to, it can really get you down, it is hard for me to give you any advice on this one.

I am not Mr popular (by far), however I have a lot of respect from my friends, they know that I'm dependable and approachable. That's more important to me.

True friends is what it is all about, I have recently made a good true friend, saying that I have discovered that my best friend is, well indifferent- he just doesn't give a dam, and it hurts! I am always so cautious and read people really well but he is a mystery, and I have been I know he has a lot on his mind, but he just doesn't trust me!

Anonymous

like if there's a certain group of people that I've built up to be amazing in my head, the popular group if u will


This socially "amazing" group will not be all they are cracked up to be (I promise) It's all about the individuals and personalities that you well go well with.

Anonymous

it's like i dream about doing all these things, but i just can't get there...(is this self confidence thing a personality trait that i just can't change?)


Well your underlying personality is not really something you have control over and it is true that some people are good at this sort of thing and some need a to work at it a little, but you seem like a nice person, so I'm sure you can get out of this rut. Just Make an effort with some people you find most approachable (yes I know thats the problem) and try striking up common interests without getting to nervous and talking way too much! and don't let anything go to your head. If they really like you then your nerves shouldn't be too big a problem, and it is this type of friend that will be able to help you out!

You have time to take it slow, life is full of opportunities to make friends, so don't panic.

Good luck.
Reply 12
The only way to increase you confidence is with experience. You need to push yourself into the more public situations. I understand the "playing it safe", as I do it myself. I refuse to go into a confrontational situation unless I hold all the cards. This has served me quite well, but I needed to boost my confidence. This is why I recommend things like acting and public speaking classes/societies, it pushes you into the social situations, but you know exactly who is saying what, where and when. It is that sort of safety net that I needed.
I would also recommend finding someone that you listen to, and take advice from. I have my sister, who has always been more socially confident, and has always pushed me to do things that I wouldn't normally do. I may hate her at times, but she always has my best interests at heart.