Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hello

    I've been trying to have sex with my GF for a few weeks now and I'm just not able to do it... Foreplay etc it's perfect until I have to put on the condom. I lose the erection and it doesn't work anymore after that.

    The first time I thought it was because of performance anxiety but I don't know... I don't feel stressed at all but maybe without noticing it I am. I try to relax and breathe. Anyway, It's the worst feeling ever, I feel so miserable after that I don't want to try anymore.

    The girl was understanding the first time and even comforted me but now she's frustrated and she says things like "find a solution and hurry up", "maybe I'm the problem after all". Sometimes I can't do it and 1 hour later she wants me to try again... But that's the last thing in the world I want to do. It's destroying our relationship, it's affecting everything else.

    I've tried every 'natural' way, nothing works. I have to find another way. Maybe I should drink before doing it? It would help me with the anxiety thing but I read that it could be even harder to get it up... What about taking a pill like Viagra? Again, I read it could be dangerous too... But I need to try something.

    Thank you for your help.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    See a doctor if you can't keep it up... Average functioning male should be able to keep it up (unless lots of drink / anxiety) if you physically can't there's something wrong with it. Are you even into her?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by DanteTheDoorKnob)
    See a doctor if you can't keep it up... Average functioning male should be able to keep it up (unless lots of drink / anxiety) if you physically can't there's something wrong with it. Are you even into her?
    Thanks for the answer. Yeah I love her, not sure if it's gonna be something serious but I'm into her. I guess I should see a doctor, even though it's so embarrassing
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello

    I've been trying to have sex with my GF for a few weeks now and I'm just not able to do it... Foreplay etc it's perfect until I have to put on the condom. I lose the erection and it doesn't work anymore after that.

    The first time I thought it was because of performance anxiety but I don't know... I don't feel stressed at all but maybe without noticing it I am. I try to relax and breathe. Anyway, It's the worst feeling ever, I feel so miserable after that I don't want to try anymore.

    The girl was understanding the first time and even comforted me but now she's frustrated and she says things like "find a solution and hurry up", "maybe I'm the problem after all". Sometimes I can't do it and 1 hour later she wants me to try again... But that's the last thing in the world I want to do. It's destroying our relationship, it's affecting everything else.

    I've tried every 'natural' way, nothing works. I have to find another way. Maybe I should drink before doing it? It would help me with the anxiety thing but I read that it could be even harder to get it up... What about taking a pill like Viagra? Again, I read it could be dangerous too... But I need to try something.

    Thank you for your help.
    I have more problems.
    I cannot keep it up with one on plus I cannot keep the condom on!
    :unimpressed:
    • Political Ambassador
    • Welcome Squad
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Political Ambassador
    Welcome Squad
    I have 99 problems but a condom ain't one.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Sounds like there's a lot of pressure to perform. No wonder you're having trouble. Drinking isn't the answer - first because it makes erections more difficult to maintain. Second, how is that going to help anyone's self esteem "can you only have sex drunk?"

    I think you both need to take the onus off penile penetration. She likely doesn't need it to finish and there's other stuff for you to do to finish. Maybe worth thinking about what exactly is it about that moment with the condom that maybe bothers you. Maybe it's worrying about if it will split. Maybe it's the weird sensation. I dunno I'm a girl but it will be something. I think your gf should be more understanding. What you're experiencing is normal
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by M14B)
    I have more problems.
    I cannot keep it up with one on plus I cannot keep the condom on!
    :unimpressed:
    We sometimes find that the condom won't stay on. If clenching pelvic muscles (mine) didn't help then he'd just take it off, wipe his penis and put a new one on. It was often related to collective "excitement".
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello

    I've been trying to have sex with my GF for a few weeks now and I'm just not able to do it... Foreplay etc it's perfect until I have to put on the condom. I lose the erection and it doesn't work anymore after that.

    The first time I thought it was because of performance anxiety but I don't know... I don't feel stressed at all but maybe without noticing it I am. I try to relax and breathe. Anyway, It's the worst feeling ever, I feel so miserable after that I don't want to try anymore.

    The girl was understanding the first time and even comforted me but now she's frustrated and she says things like "find a solution and hurry up", "maybe I'm the problem after all". Sometimes I can't do it and 1 hour later she wants me to try again... But that's the last thing in the world I want to do. It's destroying our relationship, it's affecting everything else.

    I've tried every 'natural' way, nothing works. I have to find another way. Maybe I should drink before doing it? It would help me with the anxiety thing but I read that it could be even harder to get it up... What about taking a pill like Viagra? Again, I read it could be dangerous too... But I need to try something.

    Thank you for your help.
    I've come out of TSR retirement just for this thread, so I hope what I have to say actually helps (and is also why it's so long). I've been through this myself before, and we're definitely not the only guys to have done so. I hasten to add I'm not sure what you mean by 'natural' ways of fixing this. If I cover something you have already tried which hasn't worked then please do tell me.

    You mention that you think it's gotten past the point of Performance Anxiety? That's not that case, what you're describing is the precise definition of PA. What's worse is that it has become a vicious cycle in the sense that every sexual encounter is now overshadowed by the last one; your efforts are less and less effective, and thus evermore frustrating. Don't worry. This is something that you can, and indeed will overcome.
    I reckon your problem is around 30% physical and 70% mental, using physical enhancers like V and Booze won't fix the whole problem, and the confidence they give you will be false, resulting you on becoming dependent on them (which is even more dangerous).
    You will eventually learn that it's all about your mindset, and a positive mental attitude alone can 'cure' you. You don't need Viagra or Alcohol; you need to realise that you can fix this all on your own just by hitting the reset switch, changing a few things and actually getting your girlfriend to support you again.


    Onto how to fix this in the short-term:
    You unfortunately now associate wearing a condom with disappointment - the solution is very simple. Get rid of the condom. It seems extreme perhaps, but when you no longer have the condom in play, suddenly a lot of your associated concerns about performance will disappear. Remember Pavlov's Dog experiment? You're essentially habituated to feel inadequate using a condom now, it's best to remove the trigger entirely.
    Not only that, but condoms are renowned desensitisers, so the sex will feel better. Condoms can ruin the mood if you aren't experienced and it takes forever to put on (if a condom really is important to you, practise putting one on in your own time). Assuming you trust your girlfriend, getting rid of the condom is only good.

    Obviously still use contraception, the pill, coil etc. Yes, it means you're making more demands of her, but in your case I wouldn't feel guilty unless there's a genuine medical reason she can't take over the responsibility (the fact that she's given up being supportive instead being demanding is understandable but disgusting - it's only fair she does what she can to help now). Orgasms & erections aren't selfless, and can't be achieved if you aren't thinking about your own pleasure too. Don't be afraid to assert yourself.

    I don't know how much you get off by yourself, but it's highly advisable to increase your sensitivity either by limiting the frequency of your solo-sessions to perhaps twice a week, or stopping altogether.
    How to make this work in the long-term:
    Be transparent with your girlfriend about what you're doing, explain to her it will take a couple weeks not only to readjust but for your new methods to actually start working. When you pull all of this off together, the only thing that can go wrong is you just overthinking things. So just don't do that. Don't plan to have sex, if it happens it happens. Be spontaneous. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, if your girlfriend can't see that then I'd seriously question staying with her.

    There's no shame in this, you're not less of a man because you get nervous. It happens to loads of men (and women too, it's just less obvious but probably more talked about). Eventually you'll grow the confidence to never worry about it again, trust me it'll come.

    If I've missed the plot entirely, you have more questions or need more support, don't hesitate to message me.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 17, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brussels sprouts
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.