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Can't help but feel that I have screwed up sixth form (very moody rant) Watch

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    I'm in year 12, in a very competitive grammar school and I can't help but feel like i have failed.

    I've been suffering depression for quite a while and it got worse earlier this year due to a variety of reasons.

    I entered a haze of depression and did not work hard in studying, barely finishing my homework on time.

    One of the subjects I am taking is very difficult and it really did not help that there was a new inexperienced teacher, who was very bad at explaining concepts and parroted the book (teaching one example and then setting questions). I came out of lessons understanding little to none...Too bad, it was my fault for not working on my own to cover the chapters since I did not understand the lessons.

    During mock time, I got U C C B. I've never let myself fall to this point before. I was trying to keep any strand of dignity I could have had left. I started approaching my subject teachers (I have social anxiety, so it really scares me to do so). I kept a little hope when someone told me that it is not the mock results that matter but the real grades.

    However, I truly feel that my form tutor has really been disliking me. She's very passive aggressive and fawns over model students but ignores me at every turn. She doesn't know me very well, as she is also new, so this is probably the impression she has formed of me. She writes my reference as well.

    I never thought I would be that person. I hate any attention and have always kept my grades up previously above average as to not attract this attention. I have very bad social anxiety, so I do not form bonds with my teachers. But I feel that my teachers collectively dislike me and do not trust me.

    I have a very big dream of attending a particular university and will work hard to get my grades to that standard. I come from a poor family, so I will never get tutoring and must work through this myself. It also hurts me to disappoint my parents. But my teachers don't know this and I am just a poor student to them. I wanted to attend summer school for the subject I love but my predicted grades were so bad, that I didn't even try.

    What if all this will reflect on my reference to universities?


    (sorry for the moody rant...any insight could be helpful)
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    (Original post by Judyx)
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    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way!

    You say you have social anxiety.. but surely that doesn't stop you writing emails? See if you can email a counsellor and ask to talk to them via email just to have your feelings heard.
    Have you spoken to your parents about this? If you can't pluck up the courage, would writing it down and leaving it somewhere they will find it help? Then they have to read the whole thinge before talking to you about it, and you can't let anxiety get the better of you.
    How about emailing your tutor? Say something like "I've been suffering from social anxiety and am concerned that it will show in my references from teachers, what do you suggest I do?"

    The fact that you're admitting to people how you feel gives them much more background and stops them from making blind judgements.

    I guess it all boils down to the saying "never read a boo by its cover", so you need too write the book for them.

    I know it won't solve your anxiety or depression, but it might make you more comfortable with your relationships with other people.
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    Thank you,
    Your response is so thoughtful. I'm the type to keep everything to myself, so I have never told anyone. I have fights with my parents a lot, I love them but I could never go to them for help. They believe mental health is someone acting lazy on purpose; I think they would disown me if I brought it up haha. I have been putting on an image of feigning being ok in front of everyone; friends, family etc, and it's probably hurting me inside, so I ended up turning to the Internet. I wanted to approach a GP but I am scared to...don't really know how to find counsellor otherwise.
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    (Original post by Judyx)
    Thank you,
    Your response is so thoughtful. I'm the type to keep everything to myself, so I have never told anyone. I have fights with my parents a lot, I love them but I could never go to them for help. They believe mental health is someone acting lazy on purpose; I think they would disown me if I brought it up haha. I have been putting on an image of feigning being ok in front of everyone; friends, family etc, and it's probably hurting me inside, so I ended up turning to the Internet. I wanted to approach a GP but I am scared to...don't really know how to find counsellor otherwise.
    Hi Judyx,
    I've been going through depression for over two years now and I felt exactly how you have been feeling and have felt recently, and/or in the past. It's horrible, I know but from experience, the first stepping stone to positivity and success if definitely making someone else aware. It could be a close friend, a family member or even a counsellor. Just talk to someone about this. Heck, you can even PM me and I'd be more than welcome to listen and help you. ^^
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    Subzero,

    Your words mean a great deal to me. I agree with your words and want to try to talk to someone. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be here too. I hope you're feeling okay as well.
 
 
 
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