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Playing hard to get all of the sudden two years into a relationship

Hi,

Can anyone explain this to me?

Recently, about a month ago, my boyfriend started getting more distant, talked about how attached we are to each other and how love is not about being attached. So I said I'd try to get less attached, but I didn't really...Then he told me that he perceives me more as a friend he loves than a girl he'd feel romantic love for. He said he's attracted to me, but not in the movie-like romantic way anymore (at the beginning of our 2-year relationship he was attracted to me in a romantic way, he said). A couple days after he said this he said that he's not sure he loves me at all anymore. But a couple days later he said he gave the matter a lot of thought and he's absolutely positive he does love me (he did't say in which way).

I don't want to be a housewife that cooks his dinner and washes his clothes one day. I want to be someone who he feels something romantic and strong for.

SO I decided to act more distant (we're at different unis and we used to talk A LOT online, to an extent that would obstruct our work and impede his social life (I'm more of a loner (by choice) myself)). I don't write him five emails a day anymore - more like one short one or two. I don't say "I miss you" or "I love you" anymore, or not as often. I act a little cold. I play hard to get. I stopped acting a bit jealous.

Do you guys think I'm doing the right thing? I just want him to realize how life feels without me and to come back and want me in a poweful way. And I'm prepared for that if he chooses that life is better without me then I'll let him go and be happy alone.

I want to know how to let him know he's missing out on a truly remarkable person. Sometimes I think that because I don't go out and hang out with guys *only when I'm with him* he thinks I'm always just waiting for him like an obedient housewife. I need to show him how amazing I am.

Thanks so much, guys, Sorry for the long post.

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Reply 1

randomgirl

First of all, *hugs*.

What your boyfriend said to you must have really struck a nerve. Seems like he was/is confused about you. Maybe the distance is a struggle for him? Or perhaps somebody else has said something to him about your relationship. I dunno, guys joking round the way they do, like "that girl of yours is a bit clingy etc". which has caused him to want more distance?

5 emails does sound a bit much a day, so toning it down a little bit won't hurt. I think you should just carry on with what you're doing and see how he reacts. Do you get to see him in person often? I think next time you see him you should sit down and have a good old chat about things.

Being messed around like that isn't fun, you need to know how he feels about you once and for all. Ask him what he's thinking, and perhaps what provoked his thoughts about loving you differently?

He's your boyfriend of 2 years, he obviously must care about you a lot, bear that in mind.

Hope things get sorted for you xx

Reply 2

LuveeDuck

i think you need to confront him, its most likely the distance thats making him feel differently, but even so if you act distant with him in the end you'll just be making yourself miserable. You should ask him exactly how he feels, if he thinks he wants to try and turn things around or not. If he does then brilliant but if he doesnt at least you can move on. Dragging it out will just cause pain on both sides.
Alternatively you could try and do something romantic and spontaneous with each other to bring the spark back for him
hope that helps a little bit

Reply 3

dita_parlo

I think he should just dump you already. You sound like a scary bunny boiler.

Reply 4

Ginger_Rogers

dita_parlo

I think he should just dump you already. You sound like a scary bunny boiler.

What great advice. :rolleyes:

Reply 5

scribble_girl

I think you should dump him! If you really believe that you're a remarkable person, you're far better than hanging on for someone who's just not sure... aren't you?

Reply 6

stepheh

Hmm..
5 emails a day when you've been going out for 2 years?
It sounds like you're a bit.. clingy.
Not meaning to be rude or anything..
perhaps he's starting to resent you for clinging on so tight, and not letting him have a proper social life - which is understandable really..

also.. people DO fall out of love with time [i don't mean everyone, obviously] but sometimes.. you can be with someone for so long, and be so close, and such good friends etc, that you don't notice that how you feel for them changes.

also, i really dont think you should play it cool with him. That will make him just think that you don't care as much anymore, and so he'll probably rethink your relationship

Reply 7

Mercer

scribble_girl

I think you should dump him! If you really believe that you're a remarkable person, you're far better than hanging on for someone who's just not sure... aren't you?

Well, presumably she thinks he's pretty hot stuff too. I don't think ditching him because he expresses doubts and concerns is exactly the most mature approach.

@OP: I don't think what you're doing is particularly bad, or manipulative. He wants more space, you're giving it to him and not compromising your dignity. Fair enough. Just see how it goes.

Reply 8

bunthulhu

dita_parlo

I think he should just dump you already. You sound like a scary bunny boiler.

That was such a mean-spirited post. It's not even true at all.

Reply 9

Ginger_Rogers

What great advice. :rolleyes:

I can't believe you neg repped me stating that I 'must be a bunny boiler myself' for that. You are seriously pathetic dita_parlo.

Reply 10

bunthulhu

Ginger_Rogers

I can't believe you neg repped me stating that I 'must be a bunny boiler myself' for that. You are seriously pathetic dita_parlo.

Ugh. All I can say is that if she thinks that actually wanting your relationship to work makes you a bunny boiler then she must not be so hot at relationships herself :rolleyes:

Reply 11

dita_parlo

Oh whatever children... 5 e-mails a day? Saying you love them and miss them everyday? Not having a social life? Jealous all the time? Too attached? If that doesn't sound like bunny boiler behaviour then I don't know what does!

Reply 12

notsoperfect

this must be hard. but i'd say perhaps even cut down on one or two emails a day. this seems like a lot. wouldn't you rather talk for a while on the phone every two days than bombard him with emails? when i was with my ex we only spoke on the phone every few days, but we were still really close.

Reply 13

bunthulhu

dita_parlo

At least we 'children' are mature enough to realise that different couples have different types of relationships - perhaps it's not the way you or I would handle it but the fact is they were together for 2 years before this problem arose so obviously it worked for them for a considerable while. Just don't be so judgemental, you personal rules are not applicable to everyone else!

Reply 14

dita_parlo

A forum is for people to be judgemental and apply our own personal rules onto certain circumstances. Duh.

Reply 15

bunthulhu

dita_parlo

A forum is for people to be judgemental and apply our own personal rules onto certain circumstances. Duh.

This is a forum where people come for HELP, it is NOT your place to be mean just because you're so narrow minded.

Reply 16

dita_parlo

I don't think it is being narrow minded looking at the evidence presented in the first instance and coming to a conclusion from that evidence. I gave her my opinion, sometimes tough love is the only way to help other people!

But I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one :smile:

ETA: I guess I was mean in that post though thinking back on it. To the OP: keep trying to be less clingy, less dependent, try to get a job, or join clubs/societies at uni to keep your mind occupied so that your boyfriend is not the only aspect to your life.

Reply 17

Misogynist

I think he should slam dump you as soon as possible. Talk about bunny boiling. Christ.

Reply 18

DaChronik

Misogynist

I think he should slam dump you as soon as possible. Talk about bunny boiling. Christ.

LOL!!! At the whole post! Lets all start slappin each other!! ;catfight;

Btw... I LOVE your sig... Jus say ur black so its not being racist... Some people might take it the wrong way... Uve been warned! ;grin;

Reply 19

crema

Around the 2-years mark usually the relatioships start to move from romantic and passionate love towards a more stable friendship-type of love. Apparently this is because to conceive a child couples should be having sex as much as possible and stick to it even if there are difficulties. After a child is born it is more important that the couple raise and nurture the child together, rather than decide to pop out another one straight after. Some might think it is a bit of a pseudo-biological explanation but I think it just might have an inkling of truth in it.

Anyway. What I wanted to make as my point is that all relationships begin to resemble something more close to friendship and attachement after enough time has passed. This is quite normal and nothing to be afraid of.

Being cool and distant won't help, in fact it will probably alienate him from you even futher. What I would suggest is to sort your own, individual life. Have hobbies, join societies, go out with the girls sometimes. Have other things in your life than him but do not exclude him. Invite him along to do fun things. And to get that spark back make a real effort to go and do romantic and exciting things when he comes over. Don't slob in your uni room watching dvds, go out for a picnic. Don't go out to the pub to have a meal, go for a skydiving course together. This is something you both need to work for, it won't work if only the other one wants to further the relationship so I guess you should have a good talk with your boyfriend if he is still serious with you.

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