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- Personal Life and Mindset
Apathy - what's wrong with me?
Hi...
Well, to start with, no it's not exam stress or anything, since it's been around for much longer than exams... maybe a year and a half or something? But I just don't care about anything, don't see the point in exams or friends or life in general. Thinking about death, and what good that might do, and even questioning my faith. But even then, I don't feel very much. It's got to the point where I SH; I cut myself every night repeatedly, so that I can feel and actually let some emotions and feelings escape. These feelings are that I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because they'd either just say I'm "talking crap" (direct quote), or that it's "natural", or that I'd just let them down. I can't decide on anything normally, and so they all have me down as this ditzy kind of person, who's generally upbeat, but it's just because I don't want to show how I feel because it will annoy them, or make them hate me. I feel that I can't trust anyone at all, that everyone will let me down or betray me, or that if I do tell them, they won't care and don't give a damn about me, so it'll just be annoying them. Plus they're all always busy with their own lives, all of which coincide with others, leaving me out quite neatly. Whenever I want to tell someone, I just remember that really they hate me and want to get rid of me, but they're just too polite to do that. Some of them put me down as well, but I deserve it because I always do things wrong and annoy them and hence I must be a horrible person; in the classroom, they mess around with desks because I can't stand it when they're not neatly organised. I feel useless and inferior, especially because they're all genii, more popular and really pretty in comparison to me. I think it's because ever since I can remember, in nursery school, I've never ever had any proper friends, and any that I did have either left after a few months or turned against me. My parents are useless as well, so don't tell me to speak to them; they are too old-fashioned and don't understand. I don't want to let out my feelings, in case they are turned against me, so I get rid of them because surely it's better not to feel at all than to be hated. I can't be bothered with any extra activities, and socialising exhausts me, but I have to do it to keep up appearances. I just don't know what to do, or whether it is totally normally, or if I am just talking crap. The worst thing is that I completely can't concentrate on work, and keep zoning out into my dark thoughts, and so when I return, I feel like crying, but I can't, I only can when I am alone and feel safe. Even then, I'm always tense and can never properly relax. I'm not sleeping brilliantly, with horrible nightmares most nights about everyone jumping out at me and telling me that they've been playing me along the whole time, and that they all hate me and always have done. I just want someone who I can trust unconditionally, but that's not likely to happen, because I can't trust anyone, let alone to not judge me. I don't want to go on like this any more...
Sorry for it being all messed up and making no sense, I guess I just wanted the anonymity of an internet forum to rant at. Sorry if it bored you
Well, to start with, no it's not exam stress or anything, since it's been around for much longer than exams... maybe a year and a half or something? But I just don't care about anything, don't see the point in exams or friends or life in general. Thinking about death, and what good that might do, and even questioning my faith. But even then, I don't feel very much. It's got to the point where I SH; I cut myself every night repeatedly, so that I can feel and actually let some emotions and feelings escape. These feelings are that I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because they'd either just say I'm "talking crap" (direct quote), or that it's "natural", or that I'd just let them down. I can't decide on anything normally, and so they all have me down as this ditzy kind of person, who's generally upbeat, but it's just because I don't want to show how I feel because it will annoy them, or make them hate me. I feel that I can't trust anyone at all, that everyone will let me down or betray me, or that if I do tell them, they won't care and don't give a damn about me, so it'll just be annoying them. Plus they're all always busy with their own lives, all of which coincide with others, leaving me out quite neatly. Whenever I want to tell someone, I just remember that really they hate me and want to get rid of me, but they're just too polite to do that. Some of them put me down as well, but I deserve it because I always do things wrong and annoy them and hence I must be a horrible person; in the classroom, they mess around with desks because I can't stand it when they're not neatly organised. I feel useless and inferior, especially because they're all genii, more popular and really pretty in comparison to me. I think it's because ever since I can remember, in nursery school, I've never ever had any proper friends, and any that I did have either left after a few months or turned against me. My parents are useless as well, so don't tell me to speak to them; they are too old-fashioned and don't understand. I don't want to let out my feelings, in case they are turned against me, so I get rid of them because surely it's better not to feel at all than to be hated. I can't be bothered with any extra activities, and socialising exhausts me, but I have to do it to keep up appearances. I just don't know what to do, or whether it is totally normally, or if I am just talking crap. The worst thing is that I completely can't concentrate on work, and keep zoning out into my dark thoughts, and so when I return, I feel like crying, but I can't, I only can when I am alone and feel safe. Even then, I'm always tense and can never properly relax. I'm not sleeping brilliantly, with horrible nightmares most nights about everyone jumping out at me and telling me that they've been playing me along the whole time, and that they all hate me and always have done. I just want someone who I can trust unconditionally, but that's not likely to happen, because I can't trust anyone, let alone to not judge me. I don't want to go on like this any more...
Sorry for it being all messed up and making no sense, I guess I just wanted the anonymity of an internet forum to rant at. Sorry if it bored you
Reply 1
Have you considered talking to a doctor, you can trust them.
Reply 2
Autobahn
Have you considered talking to a doctor, you can trust them.
I can't, they are so busy and have so many other things to do and other people to talk to... and I don't know if I even can justify going to myself.
Reply 3
I know how you feel. I experienced it too. Although with me it came at different times, when i was 13 i had an obsession with death, i was terrified and used to stay up all night too scared to sleep, i was questioning my faith and used to miss out the words 'i believe' in the creed at mass, but say the rest to keep up apperances, i eventually went to my priest about the problem, i thought he would brush it off like i was insignificant but was really understanding and seemed genuinely concerned for me.
Then later in 2006, family troubles started to get to me, I'm a middle child and so get ignored alot of the time, my younger sister got preferential treatment and my older sister was diagnosed with a mental illness (she's fine now) but I got squeezed out of the frame alot of the time. Most of the time i could deal with it but sometimes it got to me. I started to self harm. I told my close friends about it (some of them had previous experience of this) but like you i thought they were only showing compassion through politeness, i became paranoid and thought every one hated me and was just being nice to look like a good person.
Enough about me. Your problem sounds similar to mine, I kind of bullied myself into forgetting about things. And eventually I did. Please tell someone because even if you dont think they care, they might say something that really sticks with you and helps you through it, makes you stronger. Cliche, i know.
*hugs and loves*
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Then later in 2006, family troubles started to get to me, I'm a middle child and so get ignored alot of the time, my younger sister got preferential treatment and my older sister was diagnosed with a mental illness (she's fine now) but I got squeezed out of the frame alot of the time. Most of the time i could deal with it but sometimes it got to me. I started to self harm. I told my close friends about it (some of them had previous experience of this) but like you i thought they were only showing compassion through politeness, i became paranoid and thought every one hated me and was just being nice to look like a good person.
Enough about me. Your problem sounds similar to mine, I kind of bullied myself into forgetting about things. And eventually I did. Please tell someone because even if you dont think they care, they might say something that really sticks with you and helps you through it, makes you stronger. Cliche, i know.
*hugs and loves*
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reply 4
Anonymous
.......... I'm not sleeping brilliantly, with horrible nightmares most nights about everyone jumping out at me and telling me that they've been playing me along the whole time, and that they all hate me and always have done...............
Hi,
You have some serious issues that are causing you alot of anxiety and negative thoughts. Please note, what you described is quite serious, such nightmares indicate someone on the path to developing full-blown psychosis, especially if they are regular and your state could worsen. I would advise you seek help from your gp, but if you don’t feel you can do that feel free to send me a pm if you want to chat on msn or something.
regards
Reply 5
I'd say your apathetic behaviour is a symptom of being the odd one out, and possibly of having friends who clearly don't know anything about you. I've been there, being the outsider looking in in joining a new group of friends. However, you seem to back-up their assertions by not being real around them, by projecting this "ditzy" persona anyway, almost as if to amuse them.
I cannot claim to be a psychologist, but you've really got to be yourself. Some people are apathetic, but they don't have to continue being that way. I don't believe you're heading towards psychosis as some posters above have referred to in hyperbole, but who knows, you seem to want to force yourself in that direction. Become yourself around people, try and find some new friends as the current ones seem to neglect your friendship.
Having said that, it's not as simple as words and thoughts. If you're anxious, no-one else is going to magic that out of your head and make everything better. It's your burden and your responsibility to deal with it, really.
I cannot claim to be a psychologist, but you've really got to be yourself. Some people are apathetic, but they don't have to continue being that way. I don't believe you're heading towards psychosis as some posters above have referred to in hyperbole, but who knows, you seem to want to force yourself in that direction. Become yourself around people, try and find some new friends as the current ones seem to neglect your friendship.
Having said that, it's not as simple as words and thoughts. If you're anxious, no-one else is going to magic that out of your head and make everything better. It's your burden and your responsibility to deal with it, really.
Reply 6
Hyperbole? I dont think so, there is a grave difference between someone who is just apathetic and someone who cuts themself every night and has regular irrational thought patterns and recurring dreams of a delusional nature.
I am assuming the OP is in there teens and i am petty sure this will get worse if they do not seek help.
I am assuming the OP is in there teens and i am petty sure this will get worse if they do not seek help.
Reply 7
I am in my teens... you think it's that bad?
Reply 8
15
Anonymous
I am in my teens... you think it's that bad?
Lots of people go through these things in their teens, but please, for crying out loud, go and talk to somebody with medical experience and get some anti-depressants. I want you to do this before you go down the road that somebody I knew recently did. Please.
Reply 9
14
I didnt read a lot of your post because it was a massive block of text which is a bit difficult on my eyes (theres nothing wrong with them, I'm just lazy) but from the general gist of what you're saying...
It sounds stupid but what makes you happy? I couldnt seem to find anything wrt that in your post. But have a think about it - what makes you really happy? And the main thing here is that you can't start looking for happiness outside of yourself before you've found it inside without the influence of other people. Cheesy but true.
But you need to find out what makes you happy, even if its just little things. Find out what makes you happy and make it your passion. It could be anything; reading, an academic pursuit like maths, playing an instrument, listening to a genre of music, a sport, dancing about in your room, poi whatever you want.
You seem to be looking for self validation from someone whose not yourself. Why? You don't need to have a friend to pour your heart out to if thats what you think you need. By all means see a counsellor to get some thoughts off your chest (I really recommend you do this btw!) but I think that before you start looking for answers to all your problems outside with people that you don't really care about you need to assess yourself. Figure yourself out, think about what makes you tick and work with that.
Self awareness is something which is very valuable and something which not many teenagers have - just take a look around this forum. But once you can see yourself in a more neutral light its a lot easier to see where you want to be and how you can get there.
I dont think this post has made much sense so sorry!
It sounds stupid but what makes you happy? I couldnt seem to find anything wrt that in your post. But have a think about it - what makes you really happy? And the main thing here is that you can't start looking for happiness outside of yourself before you've found it inside without the influence of other people. Cheesy but true.
But you need to find out what makes you happy, even if its just little things. Find out what makes you happy and make it your passion. It could be anything; reading, an academic pursuit like maths, playing an instrument, listening to a genre of music, a sport, dancing about in your room, poi whatever you want.
You seem to be looking for self validation from someone whose not yourself. Why? You don't need to have a friend to pour your heart out to if thats what you think you need. By all means see a counsellor to get some thoughts off your chest (I really recommend you do this btw!) but I think that before you start looking for answers to all your problems outside with people that you don't really care about you need to assess yourself. Figure yourself out, think about what makes you tick and work with that.
Self awareness is something which is very valuable and something which not many teenagers have - just take a look around this forum. But once you can see yourself in a more neutral light its a lot easier to see where you want to be and how you can get there.
I dont think this post has made much sense so sorry!
Reply 10
kastro9
regular irrational thought patterns and recurring dreams of a delusional nature.
Who doesn't have that? Dreams are always delusional and ****ed up
Reply 11
puppy
Who doesn't have that? Dreams are always delusional and ****ed up
Recurring = the same dillusional dream happening again and again.
*leaves tsr for good.....no one seems to have any brains here*
bye bye
Reply 12
OP, please get help from a doctor. You sound depressed to me. A lot of what you describe sounds similar to me. I made the mistake of not getting help when I first noticed there was something wrong and I regret that now because it really messed up my long term health. It would also be good to see a counsellor, or you could PM me if you want. Just don't end up like me.
Reply 13
AverageGuyOnTheStreet
OP, please get help from a doctor. You sound depressed to me. A lot of what you describe sounds similar to me. I made the mistake of not getting help when I first noticed there was something wrong and I regret that now because it really messed up my long term health. It would also be good to see a counsellor, or you could PM me if you want. Just don't end up like me.
ditto agree!
Reply 14
Please go see a counsellor/doctor/medical professional because although every feels down sometimes, you have been feeling like this for a while, and to have to self-harm to let out your feelings means you really need someone to talk to. Also a counsellor will helo you sort out your feelings and feel them and recover for them in a healthier manner.
I think that you find it hard to make true friends because you hide your real self. Your real self is hurt and depressed right now but you can' tell anyone. Obviously it'll be harder to be yourself when these people are so used to the image you project to them right now, but it's good to find out who your true friends could be. I think they'res an old saying someone on TSR has on their siggy 'I'd rather by hated for who I am then loved for someone I'm not'. I think that's a bit drastic right now cos I can tell you're fragile, but I agree with mangomaz, you don't need to have friends right away to start helping yourself, a trained professional who can listen to you and give you an outlet for your feelings is the best option right now.
I think you need to set yourself some goals as well. If you are in year 11 and under, if you switch schools to a sixth form for a-levels, it can be a fresh start where you can be yourself. Hint: if you have to think about what you say before you say it, you're not being yourself. It may be hard but you'll get used to it and feel much happier. People can sense when someone puts on a fake front, and however much you can keep up a facade, some people will guess and respect you less for it. Eventually you should aim for University, you can be yourself more, or be the person you should be, and feel most comfortable being, with no one from your past to drag you down.
connexions in my area has a counselling service so you should check your local one, your school should have one as well, and you can ring the samaritans at really desperate times.
Soz for the length lol xxx
I think that you find it hard to make true friends because you hide your real self. Your real self is hurt and depressed right now but you can' tell anyone. Obviously it'll be harder to be yourself when these people are so used to the image you project to them right now, but it's good to find out who your true friends could be. I think they'res an old saying someone on TSR has on their siggy 'I'd rather by hated for who I am then loved for someone I'm not'. I think that's a bit drastic right now cos I can tell you're fragile, but I agree with mangomaz, you don't need to have friends right away to start helping yourself, a trained professional who can listen to you and give you an outlet for your feelings is the best option right now.
I think you need to set yourself some goals as well. If you are in year 11 and under, if you switch schools to a sixth form for a-levels, it can be a fresh start where you can be yourself. Hint: if you have to think about what you say before you say it, you're not being yourself. It may be hard but you'll get used to it and feel much happier. People can sense when someone puts on a fake front, and however much you can keep up a facade, some people will guess and respect you less for it. Eventually you should aim for University, you can be yourself more, or be the person you should be, and feel most comfortable being, with no one from your past to drag you down.
connexions in my area has a counselling service so you should check your local one, your school should have one as well, and you can ring the samaritans at really desperate times.
Soz for the length lol xxx
Reply 15
kastro9
Recurring = the same dillusional dream happening again and again.
*leaves tsr for good.....no one seems to have any brains here*
bye bye
*leaves tsr for good.....no one seems to have any brains here*
bye bye
Yeah I know what simple words mean (and can spell them as well), loads of people have recurring dreams, you can't imply that people having irrational dreams signals the onset of psychosis. Dreams have to be the most ridiculous thing you could ever base that on since they're delusional and irrational by nature.
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