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I don't understand what we are... watch

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    I'm a male university student (1st year), and in the past few months I have been getting close to this girl I know from halls. I confessed that I had feelings for her about a month ago, and she told me that she does as well. We've been intimate with each other (not quite sex but as near as), and when we are together it just feels "right".

    Problem 1: she was apprehensive about getting into a relationship this close to summer break (live 200 miles away from her) - her friends told me that she had said that this was the main obstacle - and I told her not to worry about that at all, because it's only a couple of months, I'd wait for her, and that I'd come and see her during the break, and she was very happy about that.

    Problem 2: we barely see each other. I mean sometimes we don't see each other for over a week, and she is very slow to reply over social media so there is very little conversation there, but when we are together everything feels perfectly fine. At the moment she is very stressed out with exam work, and so we have little contact.

    Problem 3: we are not official i.e. we are not ostensibly "in a relationship".

    What does this look like to you? I am perfectly happy to wait for her over summer, because in truth, I have strong feelings for her, but only if there is something that I am waiting for.

    Is it weird to not see each other at all for so long? Am I just being inconsiderate of her in all this? I really need some outside perspective in all of this.

    Thanks.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a male university student (1st year), and in the past few months I have been getting close to this girl I know from halls. I confessed that I had feelings for her about a month ago, and she told me that she does as well. We've been intimate with each other (not quite sex but as near as), and when we are together it just feels "right".

    Problem 1: she was apprehensive about getting into a relationship this close to summer break (live 200 miles away from her) - her friends told me that she had said that this was the main obstacle - and I told her not to worry about that at all, because it's only a couple of months, I'd wait for her, and that I'd come and see her during the break, and she was very happy about that.

    Problem 2: we barely see each other. I mean sometimes we don't see each other for over a week, and she is very slow to reply over social media so there is very little conversation there, but when we are together everything feels perfectly fine. At the moment she is very stressed out with exam work, and so we have little contact.

    Problem 3: we are not official i.e. we are not ostensibly "in a relationship".

    What does this look like to you? I am perfectly happy to wait for her over summer, because in truth, I have strong feelings for her, but only if there is something that I am waiting for.

    Is it weird to not see each other at all for so long? Am I just being inconsiderate of her in all this? I really need some outside perspective in all of this.

    Thanks.
    hiya
    To me it sounds like you have both been busy at the moment hence the not seeing each other often and there is obviously something there maybe you could visit for a week or two weeks in summer ? I have been in a relationship for three years and at the moment we are having problems with not seeing each other etc and a good way to solve that is maybe suggest skype all call her and talk to her thats what we do and it works until we can see eachother more often. mainly I would say just stay chill about it all until she isn't as stressed with exams because from what you say she definetly likes you exams are just taking priority so she will be focusing on them rather than you as you are yet to be in a relationship. I don't know those are just my thoughts may or may not help
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a male university student (1st year), and in the past few months I have been getting close to this girl I know from halls. I confessed that I had feelings for her about a month ago, and she told me that she does as well. We've been intimate with each other (not quite sex but as near as), and when we are together it just feels "right".

    Problem 1: she was apprehensive about getting into a relationship this close to summer break (live 200 miles away from her) - her friends told me that she had said that this was the main obstacle - and I told her not to worry about that at all, because it's only a couple of months, I'd wait for her, and that I'd come and see her during the break, and she was very happy about that.

    Problem 2: we barely see each other. I mean sometimes we don't see each other for over a week, and she is very slow to reply over social media so there is very little conversation there, but when we are together everything feels perfectly fine. At the moment she is very stressed out with exam work, and so we have little contact.

    Problem 3: we are not official i.e. we are not ostensibly "in a relationship".

    What does this look like to you? I am perfectly happy to wait for her over summer, because in truth, I have strong feelings for her, but only if there is something that I am waiting for.

    Is it weird to not see each other at all for so long? Am I just being inconsiderate of her in all this? I really need some outside perspective in all of this.

    Thanks.
    I think all the signs are positive, but I think lack of communication is the problem here. Why do you see each other so infrequently?
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    It's possible that the reason that it's reached a barrier or that things are slowing down is because shes going out with other people. Just a cynical belief from a lonely man but hey i have belief that you'll make it.
    Maybe..
    Feelings like those are fine and quite common.
    Try to understand the other side a bit more and hang around with her friends to gain perspective. She might be completely wrong for you.
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    Resolve the lack of communication. In order for a relationship to work out, you need constant communication.
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    (Original post by Personinsertname)
    It's possible that the reason that it's reached a barrier or that things are slowing down is because shes going out with other people. Just a cynical belief from a lonely man but hey i have belief that you'll make it.
    Maybe..
    Feelings like those are fine and quite common.
    Try to understand the other side a bit more and hang around with her friends to gain perspective. She might be completely wrong for you.
    I'm quite confident that she isn't seeing someone else: every time she texts me back she apologies for the long delay and that she was busy revising - her friends have told me as well that all she is doing at the moment is revising.
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    I think all the signs are positive, but I think lack of communication is the problem here. Why do you see each other so infrequently?
    Personally, I have no idea why we see each other so infrequently. I've mentioned a couple of times that maybe we could just informally hang out after revision, or watch a film or something, but it's always come down to a "We'll see" kind of thing and then gone nowhere. I only see her if we're meeting with mutual friends.

    That just sounds like "Dude, she's not that into you", doesn't it? But then there's the fact that she said that she was happy that I said that we would keep in contact, has explicitly said to me that she does have feelings for me, and how things are between us when we are actually together (i.e. not with mutual friends).

    Completely mixed signals.

    I'm starting to think that this has something to do with a "commitment problem" on her end, even though we haven't made anything official, or maybe she is not over her ex...
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    (Original post by amelia_lily)
    Resolve the lack of communication. In order for a relationship to work out, you need constant communication.
    But we are not in a relationship, as in, we would not introduce each other to other people as our girl/boyfriend.

    I cannot resolve the disparity between what I feel in this situation i.e. that she is unsure about us and won't be honest with me, or is not over her ex, and what she says i.e. that she is really stressed out with revision at the moment and so isn't speaking to me much, but does want things to work with us.
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    She's not your girlfriend , you haven't even done anything sexual together, to me this just sounds like a tale of a guy longing for a girl who quite possibly is not very into him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Personally, I have no idea why we see each other so infrequently. I've mentioned a couple of times that maybe we could just informally hang out after revision, or watch a film or something, but it's always come down to a "We'll see" kind of thing and then gone nowhere. I only see her if we're meeting with mutual friends.

    That just sounds like "Dude, she's not that into you", doesn't it? But then there's the fact that she said that she was happy that I said that we would keep in contact, has explicitly said to me that she does have feelings for me, and how things are between us when we are actually together (i.e. not with mutual friends).

    Completely mixed signals.

    I'm starting to think that this has something to do with a "commitment problem" on her end, even though we haven't made anything official, or maybe she is not over her ex...
    I think your best bet is to ask her directly and I'm sorry to say the truth might hurt :/
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    She's not your girlfriend , you haven't even done anything sexual together, to me this just sounds like a tale of a guy longing for a girl who quite possibly is not very into him.
    Umm, yeah, we have, and you'd know that if you had actually read the OP.
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    I think your best bet is to ask her directly and I'm sorry to say the truth might hurt :/
    Nothing hurts more than being uncertain about this stuff - been through this before. It is when you know for certain either way that things get easier.

    I'll ask her next time we're alone.
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    It could work.

    You need to have that discussion with her where you ask her if it's worth the wait.
    The distance is long and so is summer. You need to be in contact with each other or you will naturally drift apart.
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    (Original post by Findlay6)
    It could work.

    You need to have that discussion with her where you ask her if it's worth the wait.
    The distance is long and so is summer. You need to be in contact with each other or you will naturally drift apart.
    I will, if nothing has changed in the next couple of weeks. Her friends had said that she was worried about that distance/time, but that she does have feelings, and I told her that I am prepared to wait (our contracts for 2nd year houses start in August, and if I see her in July it's not that long really) - I don't throw away what I feel is a good thing.

    I guess I'd like to know if, in your experience, it is weird for someone to be so uncommunicative. She said that she's really busy with exams and stuff, but I guess it's because I have little exam stress at all (revised all year) that I'm not in the same state of mind. One important point: on social media, as soon as a message I send her is "seen", I get a reply; but it is usually about 6 hours before they are seen. My point is that it is not like she is "ignoring me" per se - 6 hours before getting an answer to a "seen" message is a red flag, I think.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I will, if nothing has changed in the next couple of weeks. Her friends had said that she was worried about that distance/time, but that she does have feelings, and I told her that I am prepared to wait (our contracts for 2nd year houses start in August, and if I see her in July it's not that long really) - I don't throw away what I feel is a good thing.

    I guess I'd like to know if, in your experience, it is weird for someone to be so uncommunicative. She said that she's really busy with exams and stuff, but I guess it's because I have little exam stress at all (revised all year) that I'm not in the same state of mind. One important point: on social media, as soon as a message I send her is "seen", I get a reply; but it is usually about 6 hours before they are seen. My point is that it is not like she is "ignoring me" per se - 6 hours before getting an answer to a "seen" message is a red flag, I think.
    From experience, whenever I knew I like someone, I'd make time to talk to them.

    She may be genuinely busy with revising. Uni is difficult, why go if you're just going to chill and not do the assignments. See how she is after the exams, perhaps take her out on a end of exam/date meal or something to actually talk about your futures.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Umm, yeah, we have, and you'd know that if you had actually read the OP.
    ''We've been intimate with each other (not quite sex but as near as)''

    I didn't miss anything out that little quote still means nothing.
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    (Original post by Mancini)
    ''We've been intimate with each other (not quite sex but as near as)''

    I didn't miss anything out that little quote still means nothing.
    So you don't think there is anything you can do which means anything but vanilla sex? Looks like someone needs to use their imagination...
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    It can work with a long distance but you both need to be willing to put the effort in and I can't help but feel with the way she put it, that she may not be into you as much as you hope.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    It can work with a long distance but you both need to be willing to put the effort in and I can't help but feel with the way she put it, that she may not be into you as much as you hope.
    Yeah, I've already basically braced myself for this not to work out well. I spent time on my own thinking, essentially "letting go of her before she cuts me loose". I now don't feel much stress about making this work. I want it to, I really do, and I really care about her, but I won't be crushed if it doesn't.

    This may sound like a red flag in itself, but a few months back I was completely devastated by a girl who essentially played with my emotions, talked about "not wanting to lose me" and being "confused", I got attached, and then without warning I see her with her ex and I basically pretend that nothing was wrong at all - and so did she.

    I will not have this happen to me again.
 
 
 
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