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Why are people so hostile towards sex with others while in a relationship?
I was reading some of the threads by people who say they have 'cheated' and looking at replies. It seems that theres a lot of people who hold very hostile views individuals who get involved with others and have sex with other people while in a relationship.
It got me wondering, what exactly dictates that relationships should be monogamous?, and why are we so quick to call it cheating when a person has sex or does something sexual with someone other than their partner.
In other cultures polygamy is not unusual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy
Its seems to me that the idea of monagamy comes from a Christain ideal of relationships between men and women. This ideal has been extended to the Law in terms of marriage. So, if your not a Christain and not married what makes it wrong to have more than one partner and sleep with other people within a relationship.
Loads of people have called the girl in another thread who has slept with other people while in a relationship 'easy' (Might get warned for saying some of the words used, so better not) and a 'cheat', why are people so quick to use words like this.
It got me wondering, what exactly dictates that relationships should be monogamous?, and why are we so quick to call it cheating when a person has sex or does something sexual with someone other than their partner.
In other cultures polygamy is not unusual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy
Its seems to me that the idea of monagamy comes from a Christain ideal of relationships between men and women. This ideal has been extended to the Law in terms of marriage. So, if your not a Christain and not married what makes it wrong to have more than one partner and sleep with other people within a relationship.
Loads of people have called the girl in another thread who has slept with other people while in a relationship 'easy' (Might get warned for saying some of the words used, so better not) and a 'cheat', why are people so quick to use words like this.
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Because my friend, most people go into a relationship KNOWING it is monogamous, if it an 'open' relationship then it is different, but that is not as common and is agreed upon by both partners before hand.
The reason why people are hostile, using your example of the lady who made the thread you quoted, cheating while knowing a relationship is monogamous is hurtful to the other partner, and causes emotional pain. Cheating is a very low thing you can do in a relationship, arguably the lowest thing you can do.
If people post on here about cheating, then it is a sign that it is a monogamous relationship, as other threads have shown on here, if people want advice about 'open' or 'swinging' relationships, they are met with an open mind in nearly all cases.
The reason why people are hostile, using your example of the lady who made the thread you quoted, cheating while knowing a relationship is monogamous is hurtful to the other partner, and causes emotional pain. Cheating is a very low thing you can do in a relationship, arguably the lowest thing you can do.
If people post on here about cheating, then it is a sign that it is a monogamous relationship, as other threads have shown on here, if people want advice about 'open' or 'swinging' relationships, they are met with an open mind in nearly all cases.
Maybe the reason that it is wrong to have sex with someone other than your partner is because it destroys any trust or faith in your relationship. What would be the point of being in a committed relationship to someone, whilst sleeping with other people, you might as well just not have the relationship if that's what you want to do.
Are you serious with this question? If both partners AGREE to have an open relationship/be polyamorous then it's fine. If one partner is under the impression that it's an exclusive relationship then obviously it isn't fine. If it was acceptable to have multiple partners, then these cheaters would just tell their bf/gf every time they were with someone else, and they don't, hence why it's cheating and deceitful.
bishman
Because my friend, most people go into a relationship KNOWING it is monogamous, if it an 'open' relationship then it is different, but that is not as common and is agreed upon by both partners before hand.
The reason why people are hostile, using your example of the lady who made the thread you quoted, cheating while knowing a relationship is monogamous is hurtful to the other partner, and causes emotional pain. Cheating is a very low thing you can do in a relationship, arguably the lowest thing you can do.
If people post on here about cheating, then it is a sign that it is a monogamous relationship, as other threads have shown on here, if people want advice about 'open' or 'swinging' relationships, they are met with an open mind in nearly all cases.
The reason why people are hostile, using your example of the lady who made the thread you quoted, cheating while knowing a relationship is monogamous is hurtful to the other partner, and causes emotional pain. Cheating is a very low thing you can do in a relationship, arguably the lowest thing you can do.
If people post on here about cheating, then it is a sign that it is a monogamous relationship, as other threads have shown on here, if people want advice about 'open' or 'swinging' relationships, they are met with an open mind in nearly all cases.
Surely the idea of 'cheating' as you use it is defined only by culture.
Maybe people who 'cheat' are trying to break away from what society says is the right thing, but perhaps dont know how to go about it (the girl who posted on this site was very young), she herself may feel confused about what she is supposed to do .
monkeymayhem
Surely the idea of 'cheating' as you use it is defined only by culture.
Maybe people who 'cheat' are trying to break away from what society says is the right thing, but perhaps dont know how to go about it (the girl who posted on this site was very young), she herself may feel confused about what she is supposed to do .
Maybe people who 'cheat' are trying to break away from what society says is the right thing, but perhaps dont know how to go about it (the girl who posted on this site was very young), she herself may feel confused about what she is supposed to do .
No, cheating is not set by society, cheating is set by the individuals in the relationship. People go into a relationship with certain values about how they want to be treated, and for a relationship to work, these basic values are shared between the people inside it. Different relationships have different sets of these values, what is acceptable to them and what isnt.
And I dont think the girl was very confused if she came on the forum and posted that she was cheating. She knew what she was doing, she knew it was wrong and as far as I could see the only problem she posted about was that she didn't feel guilty.
I don't know if you'll get that many sensible responses here - might be better off seeking your answer in D&D, even though H&R where the majority of the culprits are...
I think anyone with a mature view of relationships would be able to see that if it's mutually ageed and both partners are old enough to make that kind of decision (it's probably not the best for early relationships?) then there's no real problem. But what you say about 'cheating', I think that infringes on a general moral code, not just a sexual one; it's dishonest and not in keeping with the reliable maxim "do as you would be done by". Good old Kant and his categorical imperative, respect for persons and such...so cheating isn't so great, but the opposition to 'open' relationships on here is something different. I agree with you that people on here should be more open-minded, but most of them are pretty young and it's likely that some will come to agree in time...they don't tend to think when they reply to threads throwing around insults like "slag", they just judge by what they've been taught to think.
There are very few cultures which have been monogamous - however, in the majority of these, polygyny is only practiced by the male members of the higher tiers of society. Monogamy is culturally useful because a society with lots of single men is very dangerous; polygamy would mean that all the women would move 'up' the social scale, upgrading partners who could support more than one wife. I don't mean to say that women are all
golddigging and heartless, this is sort of an evolutionary viewpoint that I thought you might find at least curious...you have to admit that a lot of lower class men would end up womanless in a pologamous society...
The problem is where to draw the boundaries - some people see looking at porn or having cybersex with a stranger as cheating. I'm not sure where I stand on this, though I think my views on porn are tainted with my general feeling that it's wrong for reasons other than 'cheating'.
With regard to another point you make, it is annoying that despite decades of feminism people still tend to look down on the woman who sleeps with a lot of people, yet not so much the man. But feminism doesn't mean that women should sink to the level of men...it means that both sexes should lift themselves up...the posters who condemn women perhaps have a point in saing that being promiscuous can be dangerous for your personal health, yet it can be that for everyone.
I've talked about being promiscuous, cheating, and polygamy, and I just want to add that they are different things, especially to stress the difference between cheating and polygamy. Hope this helps; you might find it interesting to read the chapters on this in the Moral Animal by Robert Wright.
I think anyone with a mature view of relationships would be able to see that if it's mutually ageed and both partners are old enough to make that kind of decision (it's probably not the best for early relationships?) then there's no real problem. But what you say about 'cheating', I think that infringes on a general moral code, not just a sexual one; it's dishonest and not in keeping with the reliable maxim "do as you would be done by". Good old Kant and his categorical imperative, respect for persons and such...so cheating isn't so great, but the opposition to 'open' relationships on here is something different. I agree with you that people on here should be more open-minded, but most of them are pretty young and it's likely that some will come to agree in time...they don't tend to think when they reply to threads throwing around insults like "slag", they just judge by what they've been taught to think.
There are very few cultures which have been monogamous - however, in the majority of these, polygyny is only practiced by the male members of the higher tiers of society. Monogamy is culturally useful because a society with lots of single men is very dangerous; polygamy would mean that all the women would move 'up' the social scale, upgrading partners who could support more than one wife. I don't mean to say that women are all
golddigging and heartless, this is sort of an evolutionary viewpoint that I thought you might find at least curious...you have to admit that a lot of lower class men would end up womanless in a pologamous society...
The problem is where to draw the boundaries - some people see looking at porn or having cybersex with a stranger as cheating. I'm not sure where I stand on this, though I think my views on porn are tainted with my general feeling that it's wrong for reasons other than 'cheating'.
With regard to another point you make, it is annoying that despite decades of feminism people still tend to look down on the woman who sleeps with a lot of people, yet not so much the man. But feminism doesn't mean that women should sink to the level of men...it means that both sexes should lift themselves up...the posters who condemn women perhaps have a point in saing that being promiscuous can be dangerous for your personal health, yet it can be that for everyone.
I've talked about being promiscuous, cheating, and polygamy, and I just want to add that they are different things, especially to stress the difference between cheating and polygamy. Hope this helps; you might find it interesting to read the chapters on this in the Moral Animal by Robert Wright.
sssh
Hope you dont mean me
Meh that doesn't remove the fact that cheating hurts another person and in my views that would be considered as a bad thing.
There is no reason to cheat, either you break up with someone and go off with someone else or you can attempt to rationalise with your other person about polygamy.
There is no reason to cheat, either you break up with someone and go off with someone else or you can attempt to rationalise with your other person about polygamy.
just a random nugget of knowledge for you; even some christian cultures see polygamy as the norm; in the Sudan (a country comprised of christians and muslims) it is not at all uncommon for even an Episcopal Christian (ie church of england) man to take several wives.
personally, though, i'm not sure why i think it's wrong. i know i do think it's wrong, but that's more my gut reaction as opposed to having thought long and hard about it, if i'm honest.
personally, though, i'm not sure why i think it's wrong. i know i do think it's wrong, but that's more my gut reaction as opposed to having thought long and hard about it, if i'm honest.
monkeymayhem
Surely the idea of 'cheating' as you use it is defined only by culture.
Maybe people who 'cheat' are trying to break away from what society says is the right thing, but perhaps dont know how to go about it (the girl who posted on this site was very young), she herself may feel confused about what she is supposed to do .
Maybe people who 'cheat' are trying to break away from what society says is the right thing, but perhaps dont know how to go about it (the girl who posted on this site was very young), she herself may feel confused about what she is supposed to do .
This is what I mean...I don't think people having their first relationships are emotionally mature yet to have an open relationship; I hope that doesn't sound presumptuous, but I think it helps to know yourself before you can sensibly engage in something like this, and that kind of self-knowledge is rare so early in life. I know I couldn't cope with this type of relationship choice, but I wouldn't rule it out in future; why rule anything out at 19?
I took so long to reply that loads of other replies appeared before mine!
grace
just a random nugget of knowledge for you; even some christian cultures see polygamy as the norm; in the Sudan (a country comprised of christians and muslims) it is not at all uncommon for even an Episcopal Christian (ie church of england) man to take several wives..
I guess, there are Mormans aswell who tend to get associated with Christainity. Also, in English history there have been many monarchs and public figures who had several partners.
grace
personally, though, i'm not sure why i think it's wrong. i know i do think it's wrong, but that's more my gut reaction as opposed to having thought long and hard about it, if i'm honest.
?? do you mean me seeing people criticising several relationships as wrong?
bishman
Hope you dont mean me
Hope you dont mean me
No I don't, not from your posts in this thread, though I don't remember what you may have written in others. Thinking about it, I doubt that many of the reactionary people who'd go onto a thread brimming with self-righteous indignation at one girl's wantonness would dare to come on here to try to defend their views. They're that type of poster, run in, run out and not stick around to answer anyone who might ask "why", perhaps because they're afraid that any questioning might make them realise the flimsy basis of their beliefs...
I'll be honest, I'm in a relationship with a someone who has been sleeping with someone else (maybe others) while at the same time being my only sexual partner. We love each other and I have accepted that he wants an open relationship since we live long distance. I know I shouldn't have to stand for it but he says he would be more than happy for me to meet other guys if I wanted, he says he would miss me but he wants us both to be happy and me especially to go out and have a life and not think about missing him all the time 
Shockley
I'll be honest, I'm in a relationship with a someone who has been sleeping with someone else (maybe others) while at the same time being my only sexual partner. We love each other and I have accepted that he wants an open relationship since we live long distance. I know I shouldn't have to stand for it but he says he would be more than happy for me to meet other guys if I wanted, he says he would miss me but he wants us both to be happy and me especially to go out and have a life and not think about missing him all the time
To be honest, thats an example of an occasion where an open relationsip doesnt work. The values he has are forced on you whether you like/agree with it or not. Thats not fair on you if hes making you unhappy.
To the person who neg repped me I started this thread hopeing to hear different opinions, if you hate what ive said or ive offended you in some way at least leave a comment.
Why are people so hostile towards sex with others while in a relationship?
I'm not so much hostile towards sex outside of a relationship, I don't see that as a problem at all and I personally see polygamy as a perfectly viable option. People share themselves emotionally and mentally with other people besides their partner, so I see no reason why the physical aspect should be arbitrarily singled out.
What I would get extremely upset and angry about is the inevitable lying, deceit and defensiveness that surrounds the issue when both parties agree to be in a monogamous relationship and one or both effectively break this agreement without telling the other.
Shockley
I'll be honest, I'm in a relationship with a someone who has been sleeping with someone else (maybe others) while at the same time being my only sexual partner. We love each other and I have accepted that he wants an open relationship since we live long distance. I know I shouldn't have to stand for it but he says he would be more than happy for me to meet other guys if I wanted, he says he would miss me but he wants us both to be happy and me especially to go out and have a life and not think about missing him all the time
Are you serious? Christ. Have a little bit more self worth, please.
bishman
To be honest, thats an example of an occasion where an open relationsip doesnt work. The values he has are forced on you whether you like/agree with it or not. Thats not fair on you if hes making you unhappy.
I agree with it does seem that openess is needed for poly relationships to work.
Shockleys boyfriends has been open with her he hasnt completely gone behind her back, and she has agreed to it.
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