The Illogical Side to Spock - living with OCD, BDD and panic disorder

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    Hey everyone! I am Spock's Socks or Yasmin, feel free to call me whatever one you feel comfortable with

    Most of you will have seen me on this site as I am a very avid poster and I usually lurk around the chat, relationship and health parts of this site. You maybe familiar with my story of my health. I have a few physical conditions but I mostly talk about my mental health experiences on here and you may already know my story off by heart.

    As you can see from the title, I suffer from OCD, BDD and panic disorder. I was once very agoraphobic as well which left me housebound. I will focus on each condition and experience in each post and today will most likely start with OCD - the condition that I have had the longest and which has affected my quality of life the most. I chose the title because OCD makes you 'believe', worry and think some of the most illogical things you could ever imagine and you wouldn't believe the struggle it is to try and remain calm in the grips of a true obsession.

    When I talk about my mental health experiences, I try and write them in a not so doom and gloom way but I don't want to paint everything to be all sunshine and rainbows either. I try and remain as positive as I can, but of course, sometimes its hard. A lot of you will know my papa is severely ill with kidney failure and is on the waiting list for a transplant at the moment and my stepdad was diagnosed with Parkinson's last year and now takes full on strokes as opposed to mini strokes that he had for years so those have had an impact on my mental health, as they would anyone.

    Also in this blog, I'll keep you up to date with things going on in my life and try to keep it as entertaining as possible. Feel free to ask any questions. I am an open book and nothing offends me. I would rather someone asked me than assumed anything to do with me or any of my conditions.

    So here's the blurb, I'll start typing out the first post now
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    Sounds great. Good luck.
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    So first post will be about OCD - ranging from my symptoms, how I got diagnosed, the impact it has on me. my family and partner and all that jazz. Feel free to add any comments or feedback or questions. Here we go

    You always hear people say they remember their first kiss, their first time drunk, their first time having sex - all the kind of common milestones but with me, its more that I remember the first time I experienced my first touch of OCD, my first panic attack and things like that.

    My first experience with OCD came at primary school. We got a lecture one day from the head master as they were fears that teens were trying to offer drugs to kids and we got a lecture about we must not take to strangers and they gave us a sheet with pictures of drugs on them and one that stuck out to me was LSD. I looked at it and felt sick and felt like there was something running through my veins and it could drug me or poison me and I was only in primary 2 at this time so I was about 6 or 7 and I had the need to run to the toilet and scrub my hands with hot water and soap and eventually a teacher came after me and saw what I was doing and I broke down saying "its on me, I can't get it off me!" and she ended up calling my mum and my mum came and got me. Everyone thought it would be an once off but it then happened with things I touched - I would assume it had LSD on it, I would accuse my mum of trying to drug me and I wouldn't eat, I would walk around with wet wipes cleaning the house and bear in mind, I was a child at this point. It got to the point I was referred to a child psychologist and that is when I first got told I had OCD. My mum decided that therapy would be the best thing at that age.

    For a few years, the contamination fears were under control but I was very much obsessed over my health. Even at 10, I would read medical journals and was constantly checking my body for symptoms and wouldn't eat certain things for fear they could harm me and again, I was referred back to therapy. I was also very rigid, had to stick a routine and I had to be in control of everything.

    The contamination fears came back full swing when I was at the hospital with my gran one day and I was about 15/16 and I was bored waiting on my papa to come out from his appointment so I read a pamphlet and it was about drugs and within 2 seconds of touching it the familiar fears of "you've got drugs seeping through your skin now and its going to kill you", "scrub your hands or it'll harm you" and all those kind of thoughts screamed through my head and I ran to the toilet at 100mph and scrubbed for about 15 mins straight and my skin was starting to crack. All that washing never helped my anxiety. I felt a sinking feeling in my gut because I knew it was back and from that day, it hasn't went away since.

    Last year was when it was at its worst I would say. LSD has always been my biggest contamination fear though I am scared of anything that can make me die, get sick, lose control and anything like that. At my worst last year, I lost 2 stones from not eating for fear everything was laced. I accused my boyfriend of trying to poison me, I was paranoid people had put poison on my door handle so that if I touched it I would get ill so I wouldn't leave the house because then I wouldn't have to touch the door handle, I couldn't take meds because I was paranoid they had been laced in the factory so I couldn't even take a painkiller if I was in extreme pain,I was suicidal and I spent hours reading on what could destroy LSD. I later discovered that chlorine in tap water destroys LSD on contact so I used to carry a spray bottle in my bag and spray anything I was going to eat or touch with it. I looked like an idiot but it was the only thing that helped me with my nerves. One of the craziest thoughts I had was that a pair of jeans of mine had cocaine on them. Other than weed and booze, I have never been around drugs in my life. I done weed once and it made me paranoid and I never touched it since and I drink maybe twice a week but I don't get drunk, just merry. So my grey jeans had a faded white mark on them and I could tell it was just faded denim but my brain kept saying "no its cocaine and you've touched them" so I washed them 10 times before I felt comfortable enough to wear them and had to go for a bath whenever I touched them when taking them in and out of the washing machine. I also suffered from and still do from magical thinking. Here is a good way of describing magical thinking - Magical thinking is an illogical thought pattern characterized by the linking of unrelated actions or events. Individuals may become preoccupied with lucky or unlucky numbers, colors, words, actions, sayings or superstitions and link them to catastrophe or 'bad things' that might happen.

    The anxiety and panic attacks experienced from OCD are unlike anything I've ever known. They are truly terrifying and make anxiety felt from an every day kind of panic feel like a walk in the park

    I also quit uni altogether at this time and took a nervous breakdown. I am still working my way through it tbh. I am over the worst I would say, but not 100% of out it from October last year. So I went to my GP and she said it was one of the worst cases of OCD she had ever seen and I got an urgent referral for therapy which I started this January. So far, that hasn't really helped. I'll add my thread about my therapist and you can see what I mean - http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=4032831

    I am not on meds for OCD or anything due to my contamination fears plus I had a bad experience on antidepressants a few years ago and it put me off for life. I have been relying on self help, therapy and help from friends and family. My mum has OCD too and struggled with it as badly as I am when she was my age too. Her and my partner have been my rocks. I don't know where I would be without them. Oh and my cats! Can't forget my furbabies

    Some people weren't so sympathetic like my stepdad. He didn't believe OCD was a real condition at first and he spouted crap like "oh we all have a bit of OCD" and things like that which he now knows to be utter *******s. I hate when people play OCD as a joke. Its debilitating and even the World Health Organisation lists it as one of the most debilitating illnesses you can have in terms of affecting your quality of life and how much time you take off work. The only other mental health condition on that list is schizophrenia, yet it still doesn't get taken seriously.

    The thing that gets to me mostly with OCD is, you know what you are obsessing over is totally far fetched and illogical but you can't stop it. It makes me feel like I am possessed. I am quite a logical person but yet I still have OCD. Logic can work to get out of a panic attack sometime, but logic doesn't get help with OCD whatsoever.


    My little fingers are sore now from typing
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    (Original post by Legendary Quest)
    Sounds great. Good luck.
    Thank you so much
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    Subscribing - will read properly when my uni work situation calms down. Kudos to you for being brave enough to start a blog x
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    Next post will be probably be more on OCD and also BDD as a lot of the time, these two conditions go hand in hand.

    I'll write that tomorrow probably

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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Subscribing - will read properly when my uni work situation calms down. Kudos to you for being brave enough to start a blog x
    Thank you! Hope you're keeping well :hugs: :hugs: xx
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    OCD has been triggered again tonight through my bf using too much bleach to clean up cat pee. Now the entire flat reeks of bleach and my contamination fears are going through the roof believing that I've been poisoned by breathing in the smell even though he and the cats are fine and they have breathed in the same about as me. The only compulsion I can do for this is to stick my head out the window for fresh air which I am doing. Recovering from a panic from it atm.

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    Spock's Socks
    This is an amazing post! Its incredibly detailed and im hoping it teaches people about what OCD is truely like! As you know i have OCD myself so i completely understand everything youve said here!
    Im hoping you can get over this soon because its seriously affecting your life and you really dont deserve to be going through this!!!!
    But OCD is often overlooked as a minor condition and it needs more recognition! This post will show people what its really like!

    I look forward to reading your next post!
    If its ok can you tag me in it?
    Thanks
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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Spock's Socks
    This is an amazing post! Its incredibly detailed and im hoping it teaches people about what OCD is truely like! As you know i have OCD myself so i completely understand everything youve said here!
    Im hoping you can get over this soon because its seriously affecting your life and you really dont deserve to be going through this!!!!
    But OCD is often overlooked as a minor condition and it needs more recognition! This post will show people what its really like!

    I look forward to reading your next post!
    If its ok can you tag me in it?
    Thanks
    Glad you liked it! I'm sad that you can relate to what I said first hand but it is also nice to know I'm not alone too

    Yeah I'll tag you in the next one for sure I'm thinking the next post will be a bit more about OCD and introducing BDD and how every condition has affected my relationship, social life and overall just the quality of my life. Will write it tomorrow at some point probably

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    OCD is horrible and makes no sense, when a taps dripping I get intrusive thoughts about how all my family will drown, but I know it can't happen because it's just a tap dripping, it's so frustrating


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    (Original post by nottoblameok)
    OCD is horrible and makes no sense, when a taps dripping I get intrusive thoughts about how all my family will drown, but I know it can't happen because it's just a tap dripping, it's so frustrating


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    Sorry to hear you suffer from it too. I get thoughts like that as well and it causes me extreme guilt whenever I have to leave my house because something could happen to my cats while I'm out and I wouldn't be there to protect them and then I feel I deserve something bad to happen to them because OCD intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don't deserve them which is wrong because I bloody worship them but OCD makes you feel like you do the opposite. Its a horrible condition. If you ever need to talk or rant, I'm here

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Sorry to hear you suffer from it too. I get thoughts like that as well and it causes me extreme guilt whenever I have to leave my house because something could happen to my cats while I'm out and I wouldn't be there to protect them and then I feel I deserve something bad to happen to them because OCD intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don't deserve them which is wrong because I bloody worship them but OCD makes you feel like you do the opposite. Its a horrible condition. If you ever need to talk or rant, I'm here

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    Thankyou for being brave and posting this, it's really nice to hear from somebody's else experience so you don't feel alone or crazy! I hope things get better for you, my mum had to go to a hospital for a few weeks because ocd because took over her life and she used to to think she would kill her kids, that was 10 years ago and her symptoms are only mild now, so you can get better and same to you, I'm here if you want to talk about it


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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Glad you liked it! I'm sad that you can relate to what I said first hand but it is also nice to know I'm not alone too

    Yeah I'll tag you in the next one for sure I'm thinking the next post will be a bit more about OCD and introducing BDD and how every condition has affected my relationship, social life and overall just the quality of my life. Will write it tomorrow at some point probably

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    Its very well written! Youre defo not alone! You can always talk to me if you want to. Ive got a contamination issue but its a lot milder than yours!
    "We know its irrational be we cant help it" this is what im always thinking! The rituals just help things to calm down for a little while!

    Thankyou! I look forward to reading it!
    Ah im not sure what BDD is so it will be educational for me!
    Well done for writing a blog! Its extremely good!
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    (Original post by nottoblameok)
    Thankyou for being brave and posting this, it's really nice to hear from somebody's else experience so you don't feel alone or crazy! I hope things get better for you, my mum had to go to a hospital for a few weeks because ocd because took over her life and she used to to think she would kill her kids, that was 10 years ago and her symptoms are only mild now, so you can get better and same to you, I'm here if you want to talk about it


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    Thanks
    I really feel for your mum. Can't imagine how scary those thoughts must have been. I've not had many harming thoughts but I know they are very common with OCD and people are scared to admit them because they don't want people to think they are violent when in fact, those with OCD are the least violence and the most safe people you can be around because the distress they experience when they have those thoughts is scary and stops them from doing any harm but so many people who don't understand OCD, wouldn't accept that. They would just shoot them down instantly for having such a socially unacceptable thought like that.


    How's your OCD? Are you getting any help with it or is it more self help you're doing?
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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Its very well written! Youre defo not alone! You can always talk to me if you want to. Ive got a contamination issue but its a lot milder than yours!
    "We know its irrational be we cant help it" this is what im always thinking! The rituals just help things to calm down for a little while!

    Thankyou! I look forward to reading it!
    Ah im not sure what BDD is so it will be educational for me!
    Well done for writing a blog! Its extremely good!
    I'll write in full in detail tomorrow but BDD is body dysmorphic disorder and shares a lot of symptoms with OCD. Its where people have an obsession with how they look. It could be to do with their height, figure, face, hair etc and it causes them severe distress and panic and it has a high suicide rate. People think its vanity but vanity makes you feel good about yourself, BDD makes you feel awful and you feel you constantly need to check how you look or cover up your 'flaw'. A lot of people with OCD also have BDD. I thought my symptoms were just another part of OCD until I got diagnosed with BDD.

    Thanks, I'm always here if you need to talk too

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    Sounds cheesy but when someone be it a friend, a stranger online or anyone says that what I've told them has helped them with their mental health conditions whatever they may be, it makes me feel like I have a real purpose in life. Makes me feel that everything I went through and continue to go through, isn't in vain if someone can learn from it and ultimately get help from it. Got to look for the positives everywhere and I'm glad I can derive one from my own illnesses that not only help me, but others


    Also, OCD-UK is a very good resource for those suffering from OCD, know someone who is suffering or if you're interested in the condition. I always wear my "just a thought?" wristband from them
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    I'll write in full in detail tomorrow but BDD is body dysmorphic disorder and shares a lot of symptoms with OCD. Its where people have an obsession with how they look. It could be to do with their height, figure, face, hair etc and it causes them severe distress and panic and it has a high suicide rate. People think its vanity but vanity makes you feel good about yourself, BDD makes you feel awful and you feel you constantly need to check how you look or cover up your 'flaw'. A lot of people with OCD also have BDD. I thought my symptoms were just another part of OCD until I got diagnosed with BDD.

    Thanks, I'm always here if you need to talk too

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    Ok then i look forward to reading your post!
    Wow it does sound like a really horrible thing to have! I mean im always checking how i look and adjusting my clothes and hair to make sure nothings out of place. I hate how i look and do get really down about it sometimes! But this sounds really extreme! Youre a beautiful young lady and deserve to live a happy life!

    No worries! Thanks
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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Ok then i look forward to reading your post!
    Wow it does sound like a really horrible thing to have! I mean im always checking how i look and adjusting my clothes and hair to make sure nothings out of place. I hate how i look and do get really down about it sometimes! But this sounds really extreme! Youre a beautiful young lady and deserve to live a happy life!

    No worries! Thanks
    Aw thank you just writing out the post atm. I'll tag you in it once its done
 
 
 
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