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Trust in relationship
I've been with my bf 5 or 6 months. I trusted him from the beginning, he seemed a really decent guy etc. About a month ago he totally lost his temper with me, started yelling at me and raging. He wasn't violent towards me but it really scared me because he seems so placid normally, and I hadn't really done anything to deserve it. I told him I wouldn't accept that behavior, ranting and raving, since I've put up with 18 years of my dad doing it at home. He apologised repeatedly, I forgave him and it was OK for a while. Then it came out that he had lied to me about stuff, nothing major as far as I know, but enough to upset me, since we've said from the beginning that we wanted to be open with each other. For example he said he hadn't been with anyone from my uni, and it turned out he had been with an acquaintance of mine, a friend of a friend. I'd rather have known about it tbh and I felt stupid.
I really like him, we usually get on really well and basically Im much happier with him than without him. But its so hard now to trust him the same way I did before, and he also doesnt trust me that much, even though Ive never given him a reason not to. We really want to make it work, but can it be fixed? How can you get the trust back? Just promise to be honest with each other and give it some time?
I really like him, we usually get on really well and basically Im much happier with him than without him. But its so hard now to trust him the same way I did before, and he also doesnt trust me that much, even though Ive never given him a reason not to. We really want to make it work, but can it be fixed? How can you get the trust back? Just promise to be honest with each other and give it some time?
Reply 1
Yeah, talk to him. Did you ask him why he didn't mention the girl from your uni? I can understand why you'd be annoyed as you asked him directly, but maybe he just didn't want to think or talk about some ex/girl he had a thing with/slept with. It shouldn't matter who he's "been with" as he's with you now.
I think you should ask him why he doesn't trust you though. Maybe he has been hurt in the past? and consequently witholds trust? It might not be a deliberate thing. If he does start to trust you more, hopefully you can return the trust and trust him more yourself.
I think you should ask him why he doesn't trust you though. Maybe he has been hurt in the past? and consequently witholds trust? It might not be a deliberate thing. If he does start to trust you more, hopefully you can return the trust and trust him more yourself.
Reply 2
You two need to sit down and talk about things, there is nothing much you can do. Sort out between yourselves why he lied, why he has trust issues and such then go from there. Every relationship needs trust, you two wont work if you don't have that. It's so easy to say "I wont do it again, promise" and not mean it, you two need to get to the root of your problems before you can work on your relationship.
Reply 3
I don't know why he lied about that girl. I wouldn't have minded if he'd told me in the first place but I've seen her, talked to her and not known she was with my bf. It just made me feel a bit stupid. He also admitted to cheating on his ex, when when I first knew him (we were friends first) he gave the impression that she dumped him for no reason, she treated him badly etc. I'm someone who believes that the past should be the past, everyone makes mistakes etc, but I felt he had given me a false impression of himself. He admitted he didnt want me to think badly of him.
I'm mostly concerned about his temper to be honest. I find it hard to be 100% comfortable with him, it's always in the back of my mind that he might explode even though its only happened once. He does often get cold to me without explaining why which I find really annoying/upsetting. His solution was that we should be more open with each other, but thats what we've been trying to do! And when we try talking about this stuff he gets annoyed and it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it might be easier just not to tell him how I'm feeling
since it always seems to ruin things when we're getting on well. I've already told him about my concerns and I feel like telling him over and over is useless and just upsets us. We end up overanalysing everything and dragging things up from the past. Perhaps I should try keeping my doubts to myself and just enjoy being with him?
I'm mostly concerned about his temper to be honest. I find it hard to be 100% comfortable with him, it's always in the back of my mind that he might explode even though its only happened once. He does often get cold to me without explaining why which I find really annoying/upsetting. His solution was that we should be more open with each other, but thats what we've been trying to do! And when we try talking about this stuff he gets annoyed and it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it might be easier just not to tell him how I'm feeling
since it always seems to ruin things when we're getting on well. I've already told him about my concerns and I feel like telling him over and over is useless and just upsets us. We end up overanalysing everything and dragging things up from the past. Perhaps I should try keeping my doubts to myself and just enjoy being with him?Reply 4
I can kind of understand where you're coming from. I was with my boyfriend about 6 months ago, and when i had a great loss, i couldn't cope with much, and basically i went a bit up the wall with grief.. and i didn't think it was fair on my boyfriend as he was also dealing with a loss, only not quite as great as mine.
We didn't talk much really because we were both hurting, however in March he was on a night out and was in the nightclub i work in, and just blurted out drunkenly that he was still crazy about, i laughed it off and said "you're just drunk".. but from that.. we started to get close again.
End of March we both went on the same college trip to Spain, and we'd agreed to try and sort things out while we were over there. While we were over there.. i found out he was texting a girl who he knew back home.. none of this bothered me, as he told me she was purely a friend. We never sorted anything out.. just argued a lot. One night i got a bit homesick, and got a bit upset. So he went to go and talk to my best friend. I'd had his phone listening to his music.. and he'd assumed i'd been reading his text messages which was why i'd got upset. So then when my best friend told me he'd said this.. my first thought was "well why? what's he got in his messages that he shouldn't have that might possibly upset me" I say shouldn't have, because she has a boyfriend.
When we got back to England.. i heard many a rumour that the day after we'd got back he'd met up with said texty girl.. one thing led to another and in the end it all esculated and he was taking pictures of her.. and the day after that.. he'd slept with her. I was livid. One, for the sheer fact that i, his ex, was still on the scene, and two, we were supposed to be sorting things out and seeing where we could go.
I eventually confronted him, and he denied it. The conversation ended in tears for the both of us, and we thought the best thing was to cut each other out of each others lives. I hated this other girl.. basically because she had what i wanted, my boy, and she had her own boyfriend, why did she need the one thing i wanted?
Ironically, instead of seeing less of each other, we started to see more of each other at college etc, he was always out at my nightclub at the weekends, and the cutting out thing fell through.
We ended up getting back together a month ago yesterday and at first i still had my doubts, so i sat him down and we spoke about it. He promised me he hadn't and he'd only ever wanted to be with me, and she was purely just a friend. Whether he was telling me the truth or not i don't know (some people commented on how he may have been lying to me) but i believed him.
You just need to build up the trust, that's the only way you can get around that one.. but definately definately you need to sit down with him and have a good conversation on how things are going, why he may have trust issue, tell him you don't think you can fully trust him. And as for his anger.. tell him you're scared he'll lash out again. All you can do is talk, or nothing is ever going to get sorted, and you can't live your life scared of what he might do next.
We didn't talk much really because we were both hurting, however in March he was on a night out and was in the nightclub i work in, and just blurted out drunkenly that he was still crazy about, i laughed it off and said "you're just drunk".. but from that.. we started to get close again.
End of March we both went on the same college trip to Spain, and we'd agreed to try and sort things out while we were over there. While we were over there.. i found out he was texting a girl who he knew back home.. none of this bothered me, as he told me she was purely a friend. We never sorted anything out.. just argued a lot. One night i got a bit homesick, and got a bit upset. So he went to go and talk to my best friend. I'd had his phone listening to his music.. and he'd assumed i'd been reading his text messages which was why i'd got upset. So then when my best friend told me he'd said this.. my first thought was "well why? what's he got in his messages that he shouldn't have that might possibly upset me" I say shouldn't have, because she has a boyfriend.
When we got back to England.. i heard many a rumour that the day after we'd got back he'd met up with said texty girl.. one thing led to another and in the end it all esculated and he was taking pictures of her.. and the day after that.. he'd slept with her. I was livid. One, for the sheer fact that i, his ex, was still on the scene, and two, we were supposed to be sorting things out and seeing where we could go.
I eventually confronted him, and he denied it. The conversation ended in tears for the both of us, and we thought the best thing was to cut each other out of each others lives. I hated this other girl.. basically because she had what i wanted, my boy, and she had her own boyfriend, why did she need the one thing i wanted?
Ironically, instead of seeing less of each other, we started to see more of each other at college etc, he was always out at my nightclub at the weekends, and the cutting out thing fell through.
We ended up getting back together a month ago yesterday and at first i still had my doubts, so i sat him down and we spoke about it. He promised me he hadn't and he'd only ever wanted to be with me, and she was purely just a friend. Whether he was telling me the truth or not i don't know (some people commented on how he may have been lying to me) but i believed him.
You just need to build up the trust, that's the only way you can get around that one.. but definately definately you need to sit down with him and have a good conversation on how things are going, why he may have trust issue, tell him you don't think you can fully trust him. And as for his anger.. tell him you're scared he'll lash out again. All you can do is talk, or nothing is ever going to get sorted, and you can't live your life scared of what he might do next.
Reply 5
Yeah I guess we'll have to talk and see how it goes. I don't want to keep bringing up the same old points though. I hope we can work it out!
It takes a while to find out the real person. I think you do need to talk about it.. Maybe next time when he loses his temper again? I was in the exact same posistion as you, I found out my ex lied about things and after 6 months of being together I saw his aggressive side which made me quite scared of him.
We split up after 11 months because his attitude became too much for me.
I really hope you're ok whichever path is taken - don't let him control or intimidate you, he needs to know how unacceptable it is
We split up after 11 months because his attitude became too much for me.
I really hope you're ok whichever path is taken - don't let him control or intimidate you, he needs to know how unacceptable it is
Reply 7
my first boyfriend hit me, we'd been together about a year ten months.
i lied to myself and said he didn't mean it. i'd told him to do it in an arguement.
but i realised.. it doesn't pardon his actions.. he shouldn't have done it regardless. and i broke it off with him just after our two year anv.
it was hard.. but you need to realise what you want. in my case. i couldn't stay with him. but if you want to make this work. you have to talk to him.
i lied to myself and said he didn't mean it. i'd told him to do it in an arguement.
but i realised.. it doesn't pardon his actions.. he shouldn't have done it regardless. and i broke it off with him just after our two year anv.
it was hard.. but you need to realise what you want. in my case. i couldn't stay with him. but if you want to make this work. you have to talk to him.
Reply 8
Oh if he ever hit me it would be over. He's in no doubt about that. When he got angry he said he felt like smashing something in the room and even that freaked me out and it was only the once he got like that. I'm still thinking about whether we're even compatible, but I know I do like (love?) him and miss him like crazy when I'm home with my parents. He knew I was considering ending it a few weeks ago and begged me to give him a chance, and I want to, so I suppose we'll just try to have fun together and build up the trust again. Being paranoid and overanalysing everything isnt doing either of us any good.
Reply 9
I always always said that.. that it'd be over if a guy ever hit me. but at the time.. i was in love with him.. i blamed myself.. he didn't mean to do it.. it was an accident.
it's was all crap.. to this day.. even though we're now good friends.. well over a year after spliting up.. he feels bad about it.. but will never talk about it because it upsets him.
it was from that day that i started loosing trust in him.. and eventually i fell out of love with him.. i never fully did.. i still love him to bits.. but nothing more than a friend.. and a friend i never want to loose.. because he knows me more than many people do.
he'd never ever been violent until that day.. and that was nearly 2 years of a relationship that had gone by.. but it took me a good two months to realise he'd been wrong in what he'd done.
if a guy ever touched me now i wouldn't be as naive as i was then.. i mean i was only 16.. but it makes you think when things like that happen.
good luck with you and your boyfriend.. i hope you can work things out.. and if not.. then i hope you'll be happy
it's was all crap.. to this day.. even though we're now good friends.. well over a year after spliting up.. he feels bad about it.. but will never talk about it because it upsets him.
it was from that day that i started loosing trust in him.. and eventually i fell out of love with him.. i never fully did.. i still love him to bits.. but nothing more than a friend.. and a friend i never want to loose.. because he knows me more than many people do.
he'd never ever been violent until that day.. and that was nearly 2 years of a relationship that had gone by.. but it took me a good two months to realise he'd been wrong in what he'd done.
if a guy ever touched me now i wouldn't be as naive as i was then.. i mean i was only 16.. but it makes you think when things like that happen.
good luck with you and your boyfriend.. i hope you can work things out.. and if not.. then i hope you'll be happy
Reply 10
Anonymous
Oh if he ever hit me it would be over. He's in no doubt about that. When he got angry he said he felt like smashing something in the room and even that freaked me out and it was only the once he got like that. I'm still thinking about whether we're even compatible, but I know I do like (love?) him and miss him like crazy when I'm home with my parents. He knew I was considering ending it a few weeks ago and begged me to give him a chance, and I want to, so I suppose we'll just try to have fun together and build up the trust again. Being paranoid and overanalysing everything isnt doing either of us any good.
why i am not surprised you've clearly reach the end of the line with him (clearly). He needs to get serious help to sort out this problem that he does appears to have with you!
Reply 11
Why reached the end of the line? I know his problems with me are fuelled by what happened in past relationships, jealousy etc. I think he may be able to trust me more (and me him) once he sees that I'm really serious about the relationship and really do care about him. For whatever reason he's insecure and afraid I'll dump him and ironically this attitude is what starts to drive me away. I would like to make it work but I don't 'need' him, if he treats me badly I'm off. I've made that perfectly clear. We do have an amazing time together though which is why I'd really like to stay with him. But for that we need to trust each other....as I said, I suppose give it some time and see how it goes.
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