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    Boo!
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    (Original post by Don Quixote)
    ................................ ................................ ................................ .......

    Threateningly, the night sky enveloped all of his surroundings, exiling past memories of familiar places and structures to some dark, distant and dangerous corner of his perpetually troubled, fragile mind. As memories vanished and strength diminished, God-given rain appeared. Liquid knives fell from above and ripped open old, forgotten scars. The wintry wind clawed at his flesh. Liquid fire burned deep but life stayed trapped in his body, seared and sealed. Enduring the assault motionless, eyes wide open, vision fixed. Staring into the abyss, no rainwater infiltrated his scarred scopes, nothing escaped. Maybe it was rust from years of caring, maybe this time he was just empty and there was too little of anything inside him to be seen from the outside. But he was stuck, immobilised and detached, now and always so the dirty rain would get to him, the darkness would break him and he’d be lost forever.
    Did you write that?
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    (Original post by Cate)
    Did you write that?
    Very gripping, I’d be almost tempted to say the openings better than some of my short stories that have been published. I want more
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    (Original post by waiting2smile)
    Very gripping, I’d be almost tempted to say the openings better than some of my short stories that have been published. I want more
    It's too melodramatic in my opinion.
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    (Original post by Cate)
    It's too melodramatic in my opinion.
    Slightly but if it fits in with the context then perhaps it isn't so. It's very harsh, compact - which I like.
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    (Original post by waiting2smile)
    Slightly but if it fits in with the context then perhaps it isn't so. It's very harsh, compact - which I like.
    Yeah, but it might be more effective if the use of language was simpler.
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    (Original post by Cate)
    Yeah, but it might be more effective if the use of language was simpler.
    I disagree, but if he took out a few lines such as ‘The wintry wind clawed at his flesh’ which seems slightly unnecessary and rather overwhelming it would be more effective. But it's quite interesting, it depends on the reader, and I'm quite glad we disagree. I quite like what he's written, it appeals to the senses, it's dark, and immediently had my full attention.
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    It's a bit "too much"...rather show offy and cluttered with adjectives. The long descriptive sentences should be balanced out with short abrupt ones for effect. Rather too vague in some respects as though it's trying to go deep but isn't really managing it. Words are put in for the sake of sounding good but some of them don't really work.

    Apart from that, quite gripping...enriched vocab and good style!
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    (Original post by Adhsur)
    It's a bit "too much"...rather show offy and cluttered with adjectives. The long descriptive sentences should be balanced out with short abrupt ones for effect. Rather too vague in some respects as though it's trying to go deep but isn't really managing it. Words are put in for the sake of sounding good but some of them don't really work.
    Hehe, yeah I agree.

    (Original post by waiting2smile)
    I disagree, but if he took out a few lines such as ‘The wintry wind clawed at his flesh’ which seems slightly unnecessary and rather overwhelming it would be more effective. But it's quite interesting, it depends on the reader, and I'm quite glad we disagree. I quite like what he's written, it appeals to the senses, it's dark, and immediently had my full attention.
    Lol, well I've always been one for using as simple words as possible for greatest effect, such 'flowery' language often seems unnecessary to me.
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    (Original post by Don Quixote)
    ................................ ................................ ................................ .......

    Threateningly, the night sky enveloped all of his surroundings, exiling past memories of familiar places and structures to some dark, distant and dangerous corner of his perpetually troubled, fragile mind. As memories vanished and strength diminished, God-given rain appeared. Liquid knives fell from above and ripped open old, forgotten scars. The wintry wind clawed at his flesh. Liquid fire burned deep but life stayed trapped in his body, seared and sealed. Enduring the assault motionless, eyes wide open, vision fixed. Staring into the abyss, no rainwater infiltrated his scarred scopes, nothing escaped. Maybe it was rust from years of caring, maybe this time he was just empty and there was too little of anything inside him to be seen from the outside. But he was stuck, immobilised and detached, now and always so the dirty rain would get to him, the darkness would break him and he’d be lost forever.
    .......................and they lived happily ever after, in his wintry desolate wet and windy snow castle.
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    I don't think the meaning should be so obscurely profound that not even the author knows what he/she is talking about, let alone the reader. The reader will thus be put off...it's good to be metaphorical but describe your world realistically as well so that the readers can understand what is going on.
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    (Original post by Cate)
    It's too melodramatic in my opinion.
    That's what I thought. I did write it and I've done variations on it and can never do more than what I posted, I get bored easily.
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    (Original post by Don Quixote)
    That's what I thought. I did write it and I've done variations on it and can never do more than what I posted, I get bored easily.
    How old are you?
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    (Original post by Don Quixote)
    That's what I thought. I did write it and I've done variations on it and can never do more than what I posted, I get bored easily.
    I'd edit your post and remove sections, as it really is quite good, you don't want other people passing it off as their own.
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    I'm 18 and I'm so amazed you all liked 'Boo!' If Curiosity edits her post, it will look like all I wrote was Boo...
 
 
 
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