Every time I get off my ass and finally get back into a working mode, I **** up and wind up crying on the floor again. I used to be crazy motivated, studying nine hours a day without fail and going to the gym five times a week for two hours a session. Now I'm doing little work and little exercise, eating too much - I'm so goddam lazy.
I'm so behind with revision, no way I'll make my Cambridge offer if I keep this up. Every week or so I 'start new', get really hyped up and motivated, and wind up where I began. My teachers still see me as a "golden student" even when I'm six essays behind in their subject.
I started mimicking the behaviour of my first boyfriend who suffered from depression, in what I can only see as a pattern of self-sabotage
My therapist isn't as worried about me as she has been - I was technically supposed to leave child services a few months ago (I'm 18) but she figured I was well enough and wanted to stay on with me because she knows how to help me or whatever.
All since I 'got better' and became a normal teenager, going out, getting drunk, having sex etc. ****ing up work. Which I hate. I don't want to fail. I don't know how I would cope. I'm going out of mind for not doing any wok since 11:00 today. Sometimes I'm totally fine. I really hate my life.
I can't deal with how much of a failure I am right now.
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