confused,upset, bf cant commit....

After reading some of the other threads on here i thought it was about time i plucked up the courage to come and tell all about my problem and give in that i need some advice!!

After having been with my bf for over 2 and a half yrs i thought that we should be stronger than ever now. we have overcome so much in the past.

we met at uni and we basically have lived with each other from day 1 of our relationship so we never had any time apart as we lived next to each other, during this time i think we both put our friends to one side and just concentrated on being in love!
After a year we moved in with one another which was going well until i found out that 6 months into our r.ship he had cheated on me, as you can imagine this was a really horrible time as we had just moved in with each other and had to see each other day in day out...

anyways, to cut a long story short we overcame it and then ended up moving to where i am now as our previous contract had run up...i thought things would be better but there were a lot of arguements and i think alot of that was to do with the fact that the only people we saw were each other...

so...he ended up moving back home just under a year ago...it was really hard at first because he basically just treated me like rubbish-not answering his phone for days etc so i didnt know what he was doing...after about a couple of months things started to get better and he started to come and see me every weekend when he could and things have remained like that up until about 2 months ago when he decided taht he would move back up as we were getting on so so well.

As you can imagine i was over the moon and thought that finally this was it...we've both matured and understand that we both need our own time apart etc...

He came back up about 3 weeks ago...and on the 3rd wk-nd he went bk home for a visit then spoke to him and he told me he wasnt coming bk!! said he was unhappy with r.ship and where we lived but now after a wk things are fine again! CONFUSED! So basically we're gonna go back to the way things were when he was at home and comes to see my at wk-nds....

I've told him that he made me feel that he didnt want to be with me and things but he's told me that he does love me and we will make a go of things...i just feel like he's totally in control though-like he's the one who decides everything.

I do love him and after spending the wk-nd with him things are normal but am i stupid for sticking around? if he cant commit now will he ever be able to?

I always feel like he puts everybody else first...when he's supposed to have been coming to see me he's changed his plans at the last minute and gone to see his mates and things like that.

sorry for the longest rant ever!! i just feel like im going slighty crazy!! :s-smilie:

Reply 1

amywalters

How you feel:

Right, firstly, I think it is pretty hard to suggest you've fully dealt with your boyfriend going behind your back like he did. This has obviously affected how you feel about him, and caused you to be slightly worried, paranoid, jealous, possessive - perhaps why you are being so concerned when he doesn't reply to your text or ring you back. Thus, causing you to ring him even more because you're worried - therefore causing him to get annoyed because he just wants things back how they were - this all adds up to you being unable to move on in your relationship and going backwards and forwards.

Not only this, but you spent everyday with one another, for me that would have been a really hard move to make in my relationship because I love to miss my boyfriend, and I look forward to seeing him if I haven't for a little while - so well done for suggesting him to move back home because I think that was the correct move.

I think, the situation that happened because of your boyfriend has therefore, made you feel perhaps like he owes you for what he did - this may not be true, but just an observation is that you perhaps feel as though he should be making his mistake up to you and be lovey dovey with you everyday just so you are re-assured of how he feels - hence why you are feeling like he is bossing you about a bit, and doesn't really care. Which i'm sure is totally untrue.

Not EVERY person that cheats or does something wrong is unforgivable, uncommitted, it doesn't always work like that, sometimes people just make mistakes, and you can't live the rest of your relationship thinking that he will just make the mistake again. It is so true that trust is everything. He needs to appreciate that you need to take time to trust him again, but you are willing to meet him half way - it is important that you just make him aware of them few lines, all the other stuff of nagging and telling him how you feel about the situation all the time will really not get you anywhere. No offence, but most lads only have an attention span of 10 seconds lol, so make it short and sharp!

What you should do about it:

What I think you have done is just ran before you could walk in this relationship, spending everyday with one another can work for some people but not for all. Being in love isn't always like the movies where you live and breathe the same air together for the rest of your days - there is so much more to love!

You need to rekindle the passion. You need to start afresh. What I would do is say to him, "I'll come see you in a week/few weeks time because i'm pretty busy at the moment" - and then, it will appear as though you can live without him if need be, but when you finally meet up, he'll realise that you do actually love him because you'll have an amazing time.

Just slow down, as if you were in a new relationship again - and i'm pretty sure it would work. You need to make him aware that you're and independent woman, and you need him as much as he needs you - which is probably what he can't see at the moment because of the worried behaviour, the nagging and arguments about him not being this and him not being that isn't going to sort anything out!

I hope this helps you and there are many girls that understand how you feel, but you need to make your relationship about compromise, happiness, trust, effort and respect - and he'll make the effort for you once the other factors in your relationship grow (i.e happiness).

Good luck :smile:

xxx

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Thanks for all your advice amy, appreciate it- think your right about being independant and things...i want him to feel like he needs me too...

Ive decided that i want to get away for a month or so to do a tefl course abroad or something and told him about that which he reacted quite quietly to and told him that i was gonna leave where i live at the mo to go and stay at my sis's and then come back to where i live at the mo when im ready and when i said that he immediately started to sound a little bit more positive saying...." yeah we could save all the money that we're paying on rent and go on hol etc"...

And then was talking about what kind of place we would get once we both wanted to move back...i suppose i should be happy that we're both givin it a go....

I think i forget sometimes that we are both still young and just because we dont live together doesnt mean that we cant deeply in love with each other...

It was just upsetting that it was planned for quite a while that he was going to come back, i think he is quite selfish at times and puts his own needs first instead of the needs of our relationship...but i suppose like you said men do think differently though...

will have to wait and see how things go i guess...

confused,upset, bf cant commit....

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