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Toxic relationships?

This isn't somewhere I ideally wanted to ask this, but I need some advice. Been with my boyfriend a couple of years (it's been rocky) but despite everything, I love him.
But I don't think either of us are happy anymore..my personality type is that I require reassurance in relationships (which i know can get really annoying, but he knew this from the beginning)..at the start he would do anything to reassure me, however recently for around the past 8 months, he's been doing the complete opposite. This time last year he practically moved in, I saw him every day and things were good.
I get that relationships require space, that's not the problem to me. But it's got to the point where if i ask him something to reassure myself that we're 'ok' he'll instantly get defensive, tell me to **** off, and ends the relationship..this is a daily occurrence, then comes crawling back and makes ME apologise!
The other weekend I said something to piss him off (probably asking if we're ok!) and he ended it, blanked my calls for 2 days and went out on the lash in Cardiff..then contacted me on Sunday evening blaming me!

I love this guy, I don't know whether i'm asking too much from him or whether I should just realise he's no longer the guy I fell in love with.
Thanks xx
(edited 7 years ago)

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Original post by smellybelly1991
This isn't somewhere I ideally wanted to ask this, but I need some advice. Been with my boyfriend a couple of years (it's been rocky) but despite everything, I love him.
But I don't think either of us are happy anymore..my personality type is that I require reassurance in relationships (which i know can get really annoying, but he knew this from the beginning)..at the start he would do anything to reassure me, however recently for around the past 8 months, he's been doing the complete opposite. This time last year he practically moved in, I saw him every day and things were good.
I get that relationships require space, that's not the problem to me. But it's got to the point where if i ask him something to reassure myself that we're 'ok' he'll instantly get defensive, tell me to F off, and ends the relationship..this is a daily occurrence, then comes crawling back and makes ME apologise!
The other weekend I said something to piss him off (probably asking if we're ok!) and he ended it, blanked my calls for 2 days and went out on the lash in Cardiff..then contacted me on Sunday evening blaming me!

I love this guy, I don't know whether i'm asking too much from him or whether I should just realise he's no longer the guy I fell in love with.
Thanks xx


Talk to him about it. If he doesnt take you seriously then you should end it.
Original post by RiahDawson
Talk to him about it. If he doesnt take you seriously then you should end it.


I try, but he just gets defensive and angry and says "I don't need this **** in my life" and hangs up..so I assume that's it and begin accepting its over, then he contacts me a couple of days later!
Original post by smellybelly1991
This isn't somewhere I ideally wanted to ask this, but I need some advice. Been with my boyfriend a couple of years (it's been rocky) but despite everything, I love him.
But I don't think either of us are happy anymore..my personality type is that I require reassurance in relationships (which i know can get really annoying, but he knew this from the beginning)..at the start he would do anything to reassure me, however recently for around the past 8 months, he's been doing the complete opposite. This time last year he practically moved in, I saw him every day and things were good.
I get that relationships require space, that's not the problem to me. But it's got to the point where if i ask him something to reassure myself that we're 'ok' he'll instantly get defensive, tell me to F off, and ends the relationship..this is a daily occurrence, then comes crawling back and makes ME apologise!
The other weekend I said something to piss him off (probably asking if we're ok!) and he ended it, blanked my calls for 2 days and went out on the lash in Cardiff..then contacted me on Sunday evening blaming me!

I love this guy, I don't know whether i'm asking too much from him or whether I should just realise he's no longer the guy I fell in love with.
Thanks xx


You won't like what I have to say - but you need to move on. People get used to relationships and you think you love them when you don't really.

I got divorced earlier this year. I was like you - I thought I loved my husband - but we had got into a rut and to be honest I was always thinking "why am I carrying on" Even so it was a huge shock when he ended our marriage.

The fact that he is making you apologise....... grow a spine and move on. There are some really nice guys out there
Original post by squeakysquirrel
You won't like what I have to say - but you need to move on. People get used to relationships and you think you love them when you don't really.

I got divorced earlier this year. I was like you - I thought I loved my husband - but we had got into a rut and to be honest I was always thinking "why am I carrying on" Even so it was a huge shock when he ended our marriage.

The fact that he is making you apologise....... grow a spine and move on. There are some really nice guys out there


It's almost easier to carry on with what you know even if its not great, than throw yourself into the unknown and risk losing the comfort..guess that's what i'm scared of. Thank you x
Reply 5
if you love him and still want to be with him you might have to compromise how you want the relationship to be
Original post by may_1
if you love him and still want to be with him you might have to compromise how you want the relationship to be


He's given me ultimatums to change a lot of the stuff about myself already, which I have done because I didn't want to lose him. But when I ask him to change the way he speaks to me, i get "yeah I will" then 8 months later its still the same. I can't change much more of myself, its not possible without being someone else
Original post by smellybelly1991
I try, but he just gets defensive and angry and says "I don't need this **** in my life" and hangs up..so I assume that's it and begin accepting its over, then he contacts me a couple of days later!

Well if you're not happy you need to just tell him not to contact you a couple days later and break up.
Original post by smellybelly1991
It's almost easier to carry on with what you know even if its not great, than throw yourself into the unknown and risk losing the comfort..guess that's what i'm scared of. Thank you x


No it is not - you are 24 I guess. You deserve better - this man will be having relationships with other people and he is mentally abusing you. Do not be a victim - please.
Original post by smellybelly1991
He's given me ultimatums to change a lot of the stuff about myself already, which I have done because I didn't want to lose him. But when I ask him to change the way he speaks to me, i get "yeah I will" then 8 months later its still the same. I can't change much more of myself, its not possible without being someone else


No one should have to change in a relationship, to me this guy sounds like a bully even it being verbally, you should not have to put up with that.
Move on and do something to moderate the neediness. It wont last as it is and he clearly isnt able or prepared to work things out, so it will just drag on. Its best for both of you.

In future you are going to have to addrss some of the neediness and self confidence issues or it will happen in the next one.
It may take years to deal with or just a special person who cna deal with it, although you are cutting your options.

One of my friends is needy, but he managed to solve it by hooking up with another needy person. that is a rare exception and your bf is more typical of soemone who promises a lot at the beginning but cnat deal with it after a while. If you arent happy and you are incapable of sorting the issue out then its best for both to split.
This is exactly the same as my previous relationship this was how it started and it ended in abuse and violence im not saying thats how you will end up but please be careful and dont let love blind you if hes making you unhappy walk away the ignoring you ending the relationship then getting back together and making you appoligise is abuse its not always bruises it's always mental abuse thats where it starts its a control factor move on and find someone who loves you for who you are never change yourself for someonethats not willing to change for you. you deserve better and trust me theres 1000x better out there you just need to open your eyes and see it.
Time to move on I think, you're 24/25, you have so much future and so many other people to meet. Don;t waste your time on a relationship that doesn't really make you happy, something I've learnt recently is that loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship work...
Original post by 999tigger
Move on and do something to moderate the neediness. It wont last as it is and he clearly isnt able or prepared to work things out, so it will just drag on. Its best for both of you.

In future you are going to have to addrss some of the neediness and self confidence issues or it will happen in the next one.
It may take years to deal with or just a special person who cna deal with it, although you are cutting your options.

One of my friends is needy, but he managed to solve it by hooking up with another needy person. that is a rare exception and your bf is more typical of soemone who promises a lot at the beginning but cnat deal with it after a while. If you arent happy and you are incapable of sorting the issue out then its best for both to split.


I've been in relationships in the past where i felt secure and happy knowing that they loved me by the way they treated me, so I didn't have to keep asking for reassurance..but with this one I never know where I stand with him, I don't know whether he's going to end it, or whether he's going to disappear for the weekend, or when I see him, if I don't sleep with him on demand he'll kick off, its got to that point where I feel like a lost puppy who's trying to please her owner but I get told off every time!
Original post by Alexismcbride95
This is exactly the same as my previous relationship this was how it started and it ended in abuse and violence im not saying thats how you will end up but please be careful and dont let love blind you if hes making you unhappy walk away the ignoring you ending the relationship then getting back together and making you appoligise is abuse its not always bruises it's always mental abuse thats where it starts its a control factor move on and find someone who loves you for who you are never change yourself for someonethats not willing to change for you. you deserve better and trust me theres 1000x better out there you just need to open your eyes and see it.


I was with someone who used to pin me against the wall by my neck, but when I compare that relationship to this one its so different because i know he'd never hit me..this guy just seems to like messing with my head like a kind of game..and doesn't seem to get its my life he's messing with !
Toxic, seems like a word I'd see on CSGO or Twitch, lawls.
Original post by smellybelly1991
I've been in relationships in the past where i felt secure and happy knowing that they loved me by the way they treated me, so I didn't have to keep asking for reassurance..but with this one I never know where I stand with him, I don't know whether he's going to end it, or whether he's going to disappear for the weekend, or when I see him, if I don't sleep with him on demand he'll kick off, its got to that point where I feel like a lost puppy who's trying to please her owner but I get told off every time!


Which is obviously the sign of a highly unbalanced situation. he is not treating you with respect or affection. You are not happy. he doesnt love you, but he is using you till someone better comes along or he has had enough.

Someone who really loved you, would know about your insecurities , then reassure and support you to deal with them. Sleeping on demand is just a joke. You need to ditch him, its time to move on.

You are just worried to make the jump, but tbh I will put money on it it wont last, he doesnt love you and it seems hes more interested in himself than an actual relationship. Time stuck in this unhappy one, could be time spent with someone who really likes you for who you are. You arent happy and he isnt going to change. Dump him.
Original post by smellybelly1991
I was with someone who used to pin me against the wall by my neck, but when I compare that relationship to this one its so different because i know he'd never hit me..this guy just seems to like messing with my head like a kind of game..and doesn't seem to get its my life he's messing with !


But how do you actually know he wouldnt hit you? i thought my previous partner wouldnt hit me but eventually he did. toxic is not the word for this theres no excuse for domestic abuse get out while you can and move on i know it will be hard its never easy but you are worth so much more than this hunny please!
Original post by smellybelly1991
This isn't somewhere I ideally wanted to ask this, but I need some advice. Been with my boyfriend a couple of years (it's been rocky) but despite everything, I love him.
But I don't think either of us are happy anymore..my personality type is that I require reassurance in relationships (which i know can get really annoying, but he knew this from the beginning)..at the start he would do anything to reassure me, however recently for around the past 8 months, he's been doing the complete opposite. This time last year he practically moved in, I saw him every day and things were good.
I get that relationships require space, that's not the problem to me. But it's got to the point where if i ask him something to reassure myself that we're 'ok' he'll instantly get defensive, tell me to **** off, and ends the relationship..this is a daily occurrence, then comes crawling back and makes ME apologise!
The other weekend I said something to piss him off (probably asking if we're ok!) and he ended it, blanked my calls for 2 days and went out on the lash in Cardiff..then contacted me on Sunday evening blaming me!

I love this guy, I don't know whether i'm asking too much from him or whether I should just realise he's no longer the guy I fell in love with.
Thanks xx


1. The relationship didn't really end if he comes back crawling to you is it?
2. Why are you apologising for what he did?
3. leave him and find someone else, he's clearly not worthy of your love care and affection. he just takes you for granted.
4. you shouldn't love him anymore.
5. yes this is correctyou've even identified the problem yourself so leave him and find someone else.

bonus
6. If i slap you and then i apologize, and then you accept my apology and then i randomly slap you again and i apologize again.
Do you trust me not to slap you a third time?
Original post by smellybelly1991
This isn't somewhere I ideally wanted to ask this, but I need some advice. Been with my boyfriend a couple of years (it's been rocky) but despite everything, I love him.
But I don't think either of us are happy anymore..my personality type is that I require reassurance in relationships (which i know can get really annoying, but he knew this from the beginning)..at the start he would do anything to reassure me, however recently for around the past 8 months, he's been doing the complete opposite. This time last year he practically moved in, I saw him every day and things were good.
I get that relationships require space, that's not the problem to me. But it's got to the point where if i ask him something to reassure myself that we're 'ok' he'll instantly get defensive, tell me to **** off, and ends the relationship..this is a daily occurrence, then comes crawling back and makes ME apologise!
The other weekend I said something to piss him off (probably asking if we're ok!) and he ended it, blanked my calls for 2 days and went out on the lash in Cardiff..then contacted me on Sunday evening blaming me!

I love this guy, I don't know whether i'm asking too much from him or whether I should just realise he's no longer the guy I fell in love with.
Thanks xx


Thank you for all your comments..he did the same as a few weeks ago yesterday evening, only this time; he said "we need a break for the night" (most guys might mean this innocently, but i've known him 2.5 years so i know what this means) I told him to get stuffed and that I wouldn't be here in the morning..he got nasty, told me he was going to sleep with every girl he met and to enjoy his single life! I think you guys have saved me from the WORST mistake of my life!!! xx

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