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Confused - help me!

Posting anonymously cos I don't want anyone to get any hassle cos of this...

I need advice on what to do about my relationship(s) but I'll try not to waffle on and on :smile:

I'm 19 (20 in September) and have been having a few bloke troubles.

Situation with man #1: We broke up in October last year, he's a lot older than me (over 40 but under 60). We were together a long time, my first 'real' boyfriend I guess. He wants to get back together with me but I definitely don't want to... he's married and I can't do all that again. I don't really agree with marriage but I can still see the 'normal' point of view that an affair is wrong and know it would cause a lot of anguish to a lot of people if we were found out. BUT... we get on really well and I'd love to remain friends with him and go out with him. Do you think this is OK or not? Would that still be wrong? I am worried that if his wofe found out he was seeing me, it would look a bit odd cos people tend to stereotype and say that men of that age only want younger women for sex so she'd assume we were having an affair. What should I do?

Situation with man #2: He used to teach me (he's in his early 50s)and I was close to him throughout sixth form and started to fall in love with him. He's the reason I started dating Man #1 cos he reminded me of Man #2. When I left we agreed to keep in contact and I got even closer to him. He became a really close friend and one night we were both a bit down so went out and had a bit too much to drink... then sex. We decided that that could never happen again cos he's married and it was just a drunken mistake but that didn't really work. We had a brief fling but I felt awful putting his marriage at risk and making him feel all that guilt... not to mention people at my old school were starting to get a bit suspicious after seeing me with him. We 'finished' but remained close friends and I'd often see him and be (ironically) like some sort of marriage counsellor. I adore him and want to be there for him; likewise, he's there for me. We spent hours talking to each other about all sorts of things... then his wife found out about our past affair. We ceased all contact with each other as she decided to give him another chance. After 2 months we started talking again but she found out he was still in contact with me and well :s-smilie:

everything stopped again. I miss him like hell and worry about him cos he's so depressed and she's always away with work. I just want to know that he's OK but I know I can't speak to him. It's driving me insane. He has other people he can talk to and a lot of friends but tends to keep his private life private so I know he won't ask anyone else for help as he's too proud. Is there anyway anyone can think of of how I can be therre for him? Not necessarily seeing him, but having contact that won't do any more damage? I'm probably clutching at loose straws here but I really am worried.

Finally...

Situation with Man #3: He's my new boyfriend and I really like him, he's only 35 and is lovely and completely faithful. I really trust him and I know he trusts me as (despite what you might think from what I've said before!) I could never cheat on someone. We're happy together but in some ways, we're too similar. We both had slightly...erm... weird childhoods. He was abused, his mum was killed, he grew up in care, his dad took him out and abused him again, he dropped out of school at 14, he was bullied, he got on the wrong side of the law etc etc... he's pretty 'clean' now, has a very well paid job, friends and a relatively normal life. But I was raped and have had all the abuse thing when I was younger too and clinical depression etc so he keeps trying to persuade me to see a counsellor even though he won't! I guess my question is, can two people who aren't all too sane work together or will they make each other worse?

Thank you so much to anyone who reads and replies to this.xxx

Reply 1

À la mode

First of all :hugs:

I'm sorry about what happened to you in your childhood. Nobody should be treated in that way. And I think it's great you've got this new boyfriend, it sounds like he really cares about you, and probably understands more about what you have been through. I hope you're happy together :smile:

In respect to men #1, #2, I would forget them to be honest. It sounds like you genuinely care for both of them, but IMO seeing a married man is wrong. I know you said you're not the one cheating on them, but it is kind of your fault too, you are causing problems for their wives/children or whatever.
It would look from an outsiders point of view, a bit dodgy that you're going out with either- due to their age, the fact that one of them taught you, they are married etc. I don't really think it's the best course of action.

I hope this doesn't sound mean but it may be because of your past, you have difficulty trusting people, so now that you have found some men who pay attention to you, you want to stick with them. I can completely understand why you care for them and want to maintain a relationship but sometimes you have to let go, have fond memories of them and see them as helping build your self-confidence for the future.

Keep going with #3, and don't try and contact the others, it's probably more trouble than it's worth.
Good luck and pm me if you want to chat about anything :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I don't know if I can really cope with not speaking to them, particularly #2. I was thinking about maybe emailing him after a while. Do you really think this wouldn't be worth it? I don't plan on having regular contact with him.

Reply 3

Saffie

i think you should really try not to talk to #1 or #2.

Maybe in a year or two it's acceptable to email. But definitely leave it a while.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with #3 and you shouldn't jeopardise it by getting in touch with #1 and #2.

Reply 4

swirled_peacat

I totally agree and don't think you should get in touch with man #2 or #1 at all.

As for your relationship with man #3 I would suggest you do go see a councellor for yor own sake, you clearly have had a past that nobody deserves and maybe councelling might help both of you come to terms with the abuse you have both recieved. You may find that after time the difficulties you have had during your childhood may come to affect your relationship with man #3, and vice versa, and councelling may be able to help you overcome any difficulties before they have the chance to invade on your relationship.

Good luck with everything though!