So my nan and grandad passed away yesterday. She died a peaceful death. she woke yesterday craving my granddads lamb stew and bread he makes. she loves his lamb stew with his loaf the best. so grandad made it and she ate 3 bites of it saying she didn’t feel too well. then after lunch they got into bed and she was asking him to tell her things, just to keep talking while she lies down for a bit. so she was looking into his eyes and him hers as he told her things and she lay there. so he keeps talking, and in the middle of the story asks nan something. but nan doesn’t respond and he realised she didn’t blink. and then yeah thats how she passed away. lying in bed with grandad, looking into his eyes with a smile.
So like around 2-3am my time i get a phone call from mum. grandad is broken and mum finally got him to get into bed and he needs to take his medicine before bed so mum asked him to lie in bed while she asked Zuzanna to get the medicine. then grandad held mums hand and mum rested her head on his chest and he was crying and describing her how she looked like the first time he set eyes on her, how he felt about her after their first long conversation and he was so heart broken and she was crying and he said he loves nan, her and me very much and that she needs to take care of me because im his heart and he hopes his daughter doesn’t break his heart. she started crying and he was crying earlier but she realised after a while she heard nothing from him and he wasn’t stroking her hair. He passed away in grief.
The night before nan passed away she called me to tell me how they missed me and I needed to spend the summer with them. How much they loved me. My chest hurts. I feel this pain in the back of my throat, like this ache and it's hard to swallow. I haven't cried, neither am I going to. I just feel like I have to tell everyone I can possibly tell about them. I have to tell anyone and everyone about them. I'm not attending their funeral.
I feel like I want to tell the world about them. Their love, the kind of people they are - what they were to me. I miss them dearly. Its too late now. I never truly expressed how much I loved them. When nan called I didn’t get emotional and start telling them how much I loved them. And now it’s too late. I feel as though I need to tell everyone I can possibly tell about them. how they met. How they loved each other and mum and me. And how they passed away. I’m still not crying, I won’t. I just don’t know anymore. Honestly they were the only people who made me felt like I belonged somewhere. Home was always with them at the end of the day, at their mansion in oxford. Yes I grew up everywhere but honestly when I thought of home or people would ask where I’m really from, picture of nan and grandad and their home immediately sprung up in my head. I’ve had a rough relationship with my mother for years and my father being practically non-existent but my grandparents were everything.
With everything that has happened in the past 2 years and now with them gone I feel like I have to live life because I HAVE to. I’m not being suicidal here, I know I have to go through life and everything but I just don’t care much about the outcomes anymore to be honest. I may be 19 but honestly sometimes I feel like a child because deep down I crave that love, that need for someone to care for me and I can just close my eyes with and lean against and know I’m safe. My grandparents were the only ones who would be there for me like that. Knowing I have them gave me strength to do anything I wanted to do. But now they’re gone and I just feel like I have to constantly look back for myself if that makes sense. The worst part is I couldn’t tell her when she called how much she meant. I didn’t get emotional (which is how i get about them) and tell them how I truly felt about them and how much it hurt not to be with them currently and how I couldn’t wait to see them. I just played it cool and simply said I miss them too but thats about it. Now it’s too late and even if I tell every single person on the planet about them it wouldn’t matter because I didn’t tell THEM. May they rest in peace.
I guess this is just life. People come and go. I made some wonderful friends on here, and some I hurt. And some I never got to know as well as I would've liked to. I am truly sorry to those that have gotten hurt by my actions/words. Know that it wasn't intentional. And I would like those who I've hurt, their forgiveness. I could die any moment and I do not want to die without trying to make things right by people I've wronged.
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- 16-05-2016 16:44
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- 16-05-2016 17:49
I've moved this over to Mental Health for you, in the hope you get some supportive replies. MH is an amazing community with amazing people that'll be able to chat with you
I'm so very sorry for your loss, your grandparents sound like truly wonderful people. Although you might have not been able to see them during their final days with us, I'm so sure that they treasured their moments with you, when you were together and with them. Don't regret what you didn't do lovely, remember what you did, how you spent time with them, remember all of the family gatherings and the stories passed on from your grandparents. I'm so very sure they loved you very much and you love them. They know that
If you need anything at all, please shoot me a PM - always here for you