Feel like I don't deserve giftsWatch this thread
Anyway, that was a bit of a whine. I was coping alright up until about 2 years ago, but even then my friends at school were kind of shocked at the relationship. But since then I have been actively feeling guilty, unsupported, unworthy etc etc.... My parents provide for me financially and I'm grateful for that (but more ashamed because I feel like I don't deserve any of it), but emotionally I feel alone, I lost the ability to control my anger, I hurt myself... then went into therapy.
What my question lies in is that with all that negative perception my mum projects, she does feel for me at rare times and tries to compensate financially. I say I don't need anything, but even then she would push in to pay (quite aggressively). Xmas and birthdays - I get presents. I feel extremely guilty and undeserving if they're more than £50 in value (or it's something that can't be eaten or sprayed), I actually get quite hysterical privately if that's the case. Recently, I started to feel disgust towards anything she gives me, even if it's wanted... even worse, if it's wanted. I feel anger, I wish to get rid of it... I wanted to return one thing because I felt so bad, but couldn't find the receipt. There's a disconnect, why does she give me nice things while actively letting me know she doesn't like me? this makes me feel angry and frustrated... I'm starting to not be able to bear have these physical reminders in my room.... what can I do? will this feeling pass? maybe I got used to her relationship with me and want her to see me in a bad light, and these nice things she does, perhaps out of pure feeling (or out of duty or guilt), I can't accept them?