I'm on medication and in therapy for low self esteem and anxiety. I have issues with my mother, primarily that she's been actively contributing to my low self esteem and tells me I'm worthless. She's actively participated in alienation of my father after their divorce and I think she's replaying the abuse he caused her, only this time she's the abuser and I'm the scapegoat. She openly tells me I'm a burden; any good thing I do is because I'm HER daughter, so where else would I get it from; any failure is reminded to me years on end. My feelings are dismissed, other people's good view of me is an anomaly because she knows what I'm REALLY like. Love is conditional on academic performance. Yet, she says we're the best of friends because she can be lovey-dovey and she lets out all her problems and frustrations onto me, but any kind of conversation she tries to get me into where I open up, it ends up with her (on a good day) judging me, or going into complete rage about how dysfunctional I am. It takes me DAYS to calm down afterwards.
Anyway, that was a bit of a whine. I was coping alright up until about 2 years ago, but even then my friends at school were kind of shocked at the relationship. But since then I have been actively feeling guilty, unsupported, unworthy etc etc.... My parents provide for me financially and I'm grateful for that (but more ashamed because I feel like I don't deserve any of it), but emotionally I feel alone, I lost the ability to control my anger, I hurt myself... then went into therapy.
What my question lies in is that with all that negative perception my mum projects, she does feel for me at rare times and tries to compensate financially. I say I don't need anything, but even then she would push in to pay (quite aggressively). Xmas and birthdays - I get presents. I feel extremely guilty and undeserving if they're more than £50 in value (or it's something that can't be eaten or sprayed), I actually get quite hysterical privately if that's the case. Recently, I started to feel disgust towards anything she gives me, even if it's wanted... even worse, if it's wanted. I feel anger, I wish to get rid of it... I wanted to return one thing because I felt so bad, but couldn't find the receipt. There's a disconnect, why does she give me nice things while actively letting me know she doesn't like me? this makes me feel angry and frustrated... I'm starting to not be able to bear have these physical reminders in my room.... what can I do? will this feeling pass? maybe I got used to her relationship with me and want her to see me in a bad light, and these nice things she does, perhaps out of pure feeling (or out of duty or guilt), I can't accept them?
Who do you think it is...