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    Sorry this might turn into a REALLY long post but I've wanted to get this out for ages. I haven't told anyone any of this before. So it might be a bit rambl-y.

    Basically I'm 20 now. I only realised that I was in an abusive 'relationship' when I was 17, and even then I didn't really believe it. This is the HUGE story:

    Our mother died when we were young so we were sent to group/foster homes because we had no other family. When he was older I went to live with him. I was happy because I really hadn't had the best experiences in these homes and of course he's my bro so I was happy to be living with someone close to me. But obviously he'd been ****ed up by them too because he soon turned.

    Then I had no ****ing idea that this whole thing was turning toxic. He hit me the first time when I missed school but then apologised saying that social services would come and take me away and he was worried about that because he cared about me so much. This just went on and on getting worse and worse. He'd always hurt me, then apologise saying he loved me and was just worried about social services, and I'd believe the whole thing.

    By the time I stopped standing for it my self-confidence was so low that I couldn't do anything because he was the only person I had (only family, only friend.) Everytime I argued he'd say that social services would come and take me away and I'd go back to a horrible home. That was the last thing I wanted. He'd say that if I talked to anyone they wouldn't believe me because everyone liked him, he'd been to university and come back and I couldn't even get a C, I was stupid, I had no real friends, everyone was using me because he was so popular and they only wanted to be friends with him, I'd never be in a relationship because they'd only use me and really want to be with him, I was ugly, he was better looking than me and I'd never compare.

    I felt like one of those 'stupid' people who constantly go back to their abusive partners who people scream at to leave and they just don't. But I had no one else. I had to live with him or I'd go back to a home and then I'd have even less.

    It didn't help that I also got bullied in school because of wearing the same clothes a lot and being genuinely poor because he never gave me any money for anything. And I wouldn't speak to anyone because I'd be too ashamed to bring them back to the house. They'd like me even less when they met my brother and realised how much better than me he was. When I got back home he'd always be the only person there that I could talk to so I'd always stay there and take it for another day. I always thought it'd stop the next day, that his apology was actually genuine this time.

    It was so bad that I started self-harming really badly and occasionally still do. I tried to kill myself once and my bro couldn't deal with it so he had to call someone else and they took me straight to the hospital. He was into drugs so he couldn't even call the ambulance to come to the house, and I had to leave the hospital, otherwise I'd get taken away.

    I walked out one time, just walked out, when he punched me so hard that I fell down the stairs. Then I never came back. I didn't go back for any of my stuff or anything because I knew that I'd never leave again. I stayed in some shelters and the workers there actually helped me get back on my feet. Friends who I'd just made at the time actually stuck by me so I realised for the first time in my life that they weren't just using me and a girl actually liked me (though I didn't treat her very well because I didn't believe her.)

    My bro got arrested (for drug dealing) and only when I was away from him did I look back with the help of those friends and realise that he was actually verbally/emotionally abusive. I didn't even ****ing know at the time - it sounds stupid but I really did feel like I was always doing things wrong (missing school, asking for money, drinking alcohol, etc,) and he actually cared about me enough to apologise and tell me his feelings. I also was in the mindset that verbal/emotional abuse only happened to people in romantic relationships, not between two guys/brothers, which I'd never heard of before. But obviously to anyone but me that wasn't healthy or how a normal relationship should've been. Anyone actually reading this will probably think the same thing, like, what the ****?? Why hadn't I just left and I honestly don't really know.

    Now even after three years I can't stop defending him. I don't mean to. Like, I'll say things like 'he never meant to push me down the stairs, he just punched me beside them, and I fell down' Or 'I wasn't a good brother either, sometimes I worked him up too much,' 'I stole from him so I deserved it.'

    My friends always say not to defend him but I don't even realise I'm doing it. Only when I think back will I realise what I've actually said. I looked up this whole brainwashing concept, and I actually realise that this may have happened to me. I can't even see anything I like in myself, I feel so ugly and alone constantly, and I know everyone feels like I'm just fishing for compliments and attention (like anyone that reads this) but I'm really not. I don't even WANT compliments because I have no idea how to react, and it's just so awkward for me. I just remember every single thing he said constantly and I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to accept compliments, actually believe people's intentions, be able to say things like this to people IRL and not just online, and actually focus on making something of my life, but I can't. This constantly drags me down every single day. And if I go to see him (which I will have to,) then this whole thing will start again and everything will come back worse than ever and I'll never be normal.

    I can't find anything online hardly about these kinds of abusive relationships. All I find are partner abuse. I understand that but I'd love to know of anyone who understands this, a non-romantic thing. Is it possible for family to have the same hold on you? It doesn't seem that way :/ I've always felt like the only one who something this extreme has happened to involving families.

    The worst thing is that I'm also a guy so this happens even less, its even harder to find experiences or people that understand. I just want someone to actually understand and help me but it never happens.I just want to move on with my life!

    I'm sorry for this massive rant-y post on here that will probably just clog up the thread and people will probably not read but I just needed to write it somewhere. I can't tell anyone in real-life because they won't understand and I don't have any blog accounts that no one knows about besides this. I don't even know how anyone will react...

    If anyone's actually read to this point, can you understand, or help me, or just say anything?
    • #2
    #2

    I sympathise with you. You certainly aren't the only one. Many people have abusive parents, for example, alcoholic fathers, manipulative mothers.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry this might turn into a REALLY long post but I've wanted to get this out for ages. I haven't told anyone any of this before. So it might be a bit rambl-y.

    Basically I'm 20 now. I only realised that I was in an abusive 'relationship' when I was 17, and even then I didn't really believe it. This is the HUGE story:

    Our mother died when we were young so we were sent to group/foster homes because we had no other family. When he was older I went to live with him. I was happy because I really hadn't had the best experiences in these homes and of course he's my bro so I was happy to be living with someone close to me. But obviously he'd been ****ed up by them too because he soon turned.

    Then I had no ****ing idea that this whole thing was turning toxic. He hit me the first time when I missed school but then apologised saying that social services would come and take me away and he was worried about that because he cared about me so much. This just went on and on getting worse and worse. He'd always hurt me, then apologise saying he loved me and was just worried about social services, and I'd believe the whole thing.

    By the time I stopped standing for it my self-confidence was so low that I couldn't do anything because he was the only person I had (only family, only friend.) Everytime I argued he'd say that social services would come and take me away and I'd go back to a horrible home. That was the last thing I wanted. He'd say that if I talked to anyone they wouldn't believe me because everyone liked him, he'd been to university and come back and I couldn't even get a C, I was stupid, I had no real friends, everyone was using me because he was so popular and they only wanted to be friends with him, I'd never be in a relationship because they'd only use me and really want to be with him, I was ugly, he was better looking than me and I'd never compare.

    I felt like one of those 'stupid' people who constantly go back to their abusive partners who people scream at to leave and they just don't. But I had no one else. I had to live with him or I'd go back to a home and then I'd have even less.

    It didn't help that I also got bullied in school because of wearing the same clothes a lot and being genuinely poor because he never gave me any money for anything. And I wouldn't speak to anyone because I'd be too ashamed to bring them back to the house. They'd like me even less when they met my brother and realised how much better than me he was. When I got back home he'd always be the only person there that I could talk to so I'd always stay there and take it for another day. I always thought it'd stop the next day, that his apology was actually genuine this time.

    It was so bad that I started self-harming really badly and occasionally still do. I tried to kill myself once and my bro couldn't deal with it so he had to call someone else and they took me straight to the hospital. He was into drugs so he couldn't even call the ambulance to come to the house, and I had to leave the hospital, otherwise I'd get taken away.

    I walked out one time, just walked out, when he punched me so hard that I fell down the stairs. Then I never came back. I didn't go back for any of my stuff or anything because I knew that I'd never leave again. I stayed in some shelters and the workers there actually helped me get back on my feet. Friends who I'd just made at the time actually stuck by me so I realised for the first time in my life that they weren't just using me and a girl actually liked me (though I didn't treat her very well because I didn't believe her.)

    My bro got arrested (for drug dealing) and only when I was away from him did I look back with the help of those friends and realise that he was actually verbally/emotionally abusive. I didn't even ****ing know at the time - it sounds stupid but I really did feel like I was always doing things wrong (missing school, asking for money, drinking alcohol, etc,) and he actually cared about me enough to apologise and tell me his feelings. I also was in the mindset that verbal/emotional abuse only happened to people in romantic relationships, not between two guys/brothers, which I'd never heard of before. But obviously to anyone but me that wasn't healthy or how a normal relationship should've been. Anyone actually reading this will probably think the same thing, like, what the ****?? Why hadn't I just left and I honestly don't really know.

    Now even after three years I can't stop defending him. I don't mean to. Like, I'll say things like 'he never meant to push me down the stairs, he just punched me beside them, and I fell down' Or 'I wasn't a good brother either, sometimes I worked him up too much,' 'I stole from him so I deserved it.'

    My friends always say not to defend him but I don't even realise I'm doing it. Only when I think back will I realise what I've actually said. I looked up this whole brainwashing concept, and I actually realise that this may have happened to me. I can't even see anything I like in myself, I feel so ugly and alone constantly, and I know everyone feels like I'm just fishing for compliments and attention (like anyone that reads this) but I'm really not. I don't even WANT compliments because I have no idea how to react, and it's just so awkward for me. I just remember every single thing he said constantly and I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to accept compliments, actually believe people's intentions, be able to say things like this to people IRL and not just online, and actually focus on making something of my life, but I can't. This constantly drags me down every single day. And if I go to see him (which I will have to,) then this whole thing will start again and everything will come back worse than ever and I'll never be normal.

    I can't find anything online hardly about these kinds of abusive relationships. All I find are partner abuse. I understand that but I'd love to know of anyone who understands this, a non-romantic thing. Is it possible for family to have the same hold on you? It doesn't seem that way :/ I've always felt like the only one who something this extreme has happened to involving families.

    The worst thing is that I'm also a guy so this happens even less, its even harder to find experiences or people that understand. I just want someone to actually understand and help me but it never happens.I just want to move on with my life!

    I'm sorry for this massive rant-y post on here that will probably just clog up the thread and people will probably not read but I just needed to write it somewhere. I can't tell anyone in real-life because they won't understand and I don't have any blog accounts that no one knows about besides this. I don't even know how anyone will react...

    If anyone's actually read to this point, can you understand, or help me, or just say anything?
    How you feel is not unusual. He's family and he took you in from a bad situation so you love him and want to protect him, but at the same time he's hurt you and you want justice for that. It must be a really confusing situation to be in on top of all the mental and physical trauma from being hurt. I have no hope of fully understanding what you are going through and nobody will understand completely how you feel even if they have been through the same. It's a very complicated thing and people will go through it differently. There are loads of people who will have simmilar experiences and be able to sympathise though. You will probably find that there are forums or groups to talk to others with simmilar experiences. They may help you. I think YMCA might do things like that.

    I can see why it took you so long to leave or even realise what as happening was wrong. You were already in a rough situation and vulnerable and abusive relationships tend to grow gradually and be really tricky. So many people don't realise how bad it is because they've grown used to it or think they didn't mean it or were genuinely sorry. It's not stupid of you to think the same.

    Remember you never deserved it! You shouldn't defend him, but I can see why you would. It sounds like you could benefit from counselling or therapy. You were not are aren not stupid or anything. You were in a situation that you couldn't cope with so you weren't capable of reaching your potential. You are doing so well getting out of that situation and getting back on your feet and you deserve to be happy. I really think therapy could help you feel better about yourself and work through some of your feelings.

    I personally found group therapy very helpfull working though my mental health issues. I generally didn't like talking to people or anything but knowing that others are in the same situation as you and being in an environment where you all help eachother was really good for me and my self esteem.

    I hope you continue to find support and feel better. You really do deserve it!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the responses. I was scared to even look at this thread because I thought I'd get loads of hate for standing for it for so long and writing so much.


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I sympathise with you. You certainly aren't the only one. Many people have abusive parents, for example, alcoholic fathers, manipulative mothers.
    Yeah, I know, I just wish there were more people I could talk to like that IRL :/

    (Original post by Kindred)
    How you feel is not unusual. He's family and he took you in from a bad situation so you love him and want to protect him, but at the same time he's hurt you and you want justice for that. It must be a really confusing situation to be in on top of all the mental and physical trauma from being hurt. I have no hope of fully understanding what you are going through and nobody will understand completely how you feel even if they have been through the same. It's a very complicated thing and people will go through it differently. There are loads of people who will have simmilar experiences and be able to sympathise though. You will probably find that there are forums or groups to talk to others with simmilar experiences. They may help you. I think YMCA might do things like that.

    I can see why it took you so long to leave or even realise what as happening was wrong. You were already in a rough situation and vulnerable and abusive relationships tend to grow gradually and be really tricky. So many people don't realise how bad it is because they've grown used to it or think they didn't mean it or were genuinely sorry. It's not stupid of you to think the same.

    Remember you never deserved it! You shouldn't defend him, but I can see why you would. It sounds like you could benefit from counselling or therapy. You were not are aren not stupid or anything. You were in a situation that you couldn't cope with so you weren't capable of reaching your potential. You are doing so well getting out of that situation and getting back on your feet and you deserve to be happy. I really think therapy could help you feel better about yourself and work through some of your feelings.

    I personally found group therapy very helpfull working though my mental health issues. I generally didn't like talking to people or anything but knowing that others are in the same situation as you and being in an environment where you all help eachother was really good for me and my self esteem.

    I hope you continue to find support and feel better. You really do deserve it!
    Thanks for the long response, I didn't expect any responses at all. I really appreciare it!

    Do you know any specific forums about this? I only find romantic relationship emotional abuse, and I know that's worse, but I don't feel I can relate or understand what those people are going through. All I want is to find people who feel the same way, but I don't feel as if I can :/ I really couldn't see myself getting therapy because it really hurts me to talk about this, I can't even say these things to my friends. I also live in a really small area, so not a lot happens, I don't think there would be any groups or anything

    Thank you so much!
 
 
 
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