Please tell me what you think of my personal statement!

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worried_mess
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This draft is geared towards business, however i am not sure.

I feel like this statement screams GENERIC and wont do me any favours. Can anyone suggest any improvements?

The A Level courses I have enrolled on are Business Studies, Psychology and ICT. A degree in Business is a very exciting prospect for me. Business has always been a subject I have both enjoyed and excelled in, and I am very much looking forward to furthering my studies in this area.

I have found that each A Level subject has enabled me to develop particular skills. I enjoy the opportunity to develop my computing skills and become more advanced with different software packages in ICT, which will be extremely useful for me due to IT playing a more prominent role in today’s society. Psychology has allowed me to study human nature and provoked many wider discussions, which I find to be a relief from the more practical approach of ICT and Business. Business is extremely enjoyable for me, and I think it is very interesting to learn the different of aspects of business, because business affects each of us on a day to day basis.

I have always worked hard and given great importance to my studies. In 2003 I received a prize from the annual ************ prize giving ceremony, which acknowledged my impressive GCSE results. Being a student at **********88 has given me many opportunities. The college puts great emphasis on ICT, and computers have always been a part of my studies. Utilising the potential of computers, and in particular the internet for further studying, has been very beneficial.

I am looking forward to moving on to university. I am excited at the prospect of making new friends, living in a different area and adapting to a new style of learning. I think it will be a very challenging and stimulating experience, one I will be wholly dedicated to achieving the best I can.

Away from my academic studies, I have a part time job in the local retailer Morrisons. Working there has allowed me to develop my communication skills, and I enjoy meeting different types of people and trying to aid them in any way I can. I have gained experience of being part of a team and having a certain degree of responsibility, which has led to me increasing my confidence.

I feel that I have many good qualities which will enable me to have a successful career at university. I am self motivated, dedicated and put great effort into achieving what I feel I can.
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Adhsur
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On first glance, you need a stronger opening statement as this is the most important bit. Don't tell them what subjects you have done as that will be on other parts of your UCAS form. Don't just tell them you enjoy business, tell them why you enjoy it. And don't repeat yourself! make sure everything you say is new and important.

Saying your GCSE results are impressive is being a bit arrogant - be a bit more subtle, and say "which I received in recognition of my GCSE results".
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Cellardore
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it's best to open up with what course you want to do and WHY you want to do it. HINT: put alot of ethusiasm into it!
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mobbdeeprob
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I'm no expert in a PS - but I'll be honest and make a few comments.

(Original post by worried_mess)
This draft is geared towards business, however i am not sure.

I feel like this statement screams GENERIC and wont do me any favours. Can anyone suggest any improvements?

The A Level courses I have enrolled on are Business Studies, Psychology and ICT.

- Scrub this, they know it already - this isn't gripping stuff.

A degree in Business is a very exciting prospect for me. Business has always been a subject I have both enjoyed and excelled in, and I am very much looking forward to furthering my studies in this area.

- Good, although you could begin to expand more on why you want to do this particular degree , and what you want to do with the degree.

I have found that each A Level subject has enabled me to develop particular skills. I enjoy the opportunity to develop my computing skills and become more advanced with different software packages in ICT, which will be extremely useful for me due to IT playing a more prominent role in today’s society. Psychology has allowed me to study human nature and provoked many wider discussions, which I find to be a relief from the more practical approach of ICT and Business. Business is extremely enjoyable for me, and I think it is very interesting to learn the different of aspects of business, because business affects each of us on a day to day basis.

- A link to the subjects you are doing is acceptable for a few lines, not for a paragraph though.

I have always worked hard and given great importance to my studies. In 2003 I received a prize from the annual ************ prize giving ceremony, which acknowledged my impressive GCSE results. Being a student at **********88 has given me many opportunities. The college puts great emphasis on ICT, and computers have always been a part of my studies. Utilising the potential of computers, and in particular the internet for further studying, has been very beneficial.

- Hmm, this seems a bit random - I can't sense how this paragraph is an obvious progression from the previous.

I am looking forward to moving on to university. I am excited at the prospect of making new friends, living in a different area and adapting to a new style of learning. I think it will be a very challenging and stimulating experience, one I will be wholly dedicated to achieving the best I can.

- Link it more to business, still a bit random, everything you write should be a natural progression from what precedes it.

Away from my academic studies, I have a part time job in the local retailer Morrisons. Working there has allowed me to develop my communication skills, and I enjoy meeting different types of people and trying to aid them in any way I can. I have gained experience of being part of a team and having a certain degree of responsibility, which has led to me increasing my confidence.

- This is quite good.

I feel that I have many good qualities which will enable me to have a successful career at university. I am self motivated, dedicated and put great effort into achieving what I feel I can.
- A final link to this particular degree course is necessary.
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worried_mess
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Thanks guys, I wrote it using our schools stupid booklet, which I had suspected wasnt very good. However a lot of the things you are telling me to put in (WHY i want to do business and what i want to do) I do not even know yet!

- Hmm, this seems a bit random - I can't sense how this paragraph is an obvious progression from the previous.
Well as you can see I spoke about each subject I was doing, and then I continued to say how I have always regarded my studies as important. Anyway I will bang out another draft next week and see if I can improve!

Thanks again!
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Do Chickens Fly
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Tips:

Have a structure, with the most important (impressions) first and less important details later.

E.g.
'An impression of yourself'
'Current status'
'Achievements'
'Other details + extracurricular'

Only say positive & neutral things.
Exclude anything that could in any (reasonable) way be negative.
Don't use superlatives, and avoid excessive use of adjectives (when they are your opinion).
Only state what is true, whether verifiable or not.
Keep sentences short.
Every line MUST serve a purpose and say something NEW else it should not be there.
Every line must be of relevance to your application (tell them what they want to know).
Qualify your facts with why they are relevant - e.g. 'worked at some place and learnt how to do so and so, which you think is valuable in your future pursuits'.
Make sure your personal statement is complete (no obvious ommissions) and covers all the aspects you wish to discuss or is relevant to discuss.
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Pencil
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Okay, I've read it and this is what I think:

The A Level courses I have enrolled on are Business Studies, Psychology and ICT. A degree in Business is a very exciting prospect for me. Business has always been a subject I have both enjoyed and excelled in, and I am very much looking forward to furthering my studies in this area.

These paragraphs don't really tell them anything. A lot of what you've mentioned is automatically expected - i.e. the skills bit. Saying you enjoy subjects isn't what they want to hear. After all, if you didn't enjoy it, you wouldn't be applying. What they want is information that makes you different from other people.

I have found that each A Level subject has enabled me to develop particular skills. I enjoy the opportunity to develop my computing skills and become more advanced with different software packages in ICT, which will be extremely useful for me due to IT playing a more prominent role in today’s society. Psychology has allowed me to study human nature and provoked many wider discussions, which I find to be a relief from the more practical approach of ICT and Business. Business is extremely enjoyable for me, and I think it is very interesting to learn the different of aspects of business, because business affects each of us on a day to day basis.

I have always worked hard and given great importance to my studies. In 2003 I received a prize from the annual ************ prize giving ceremony, which acknowledged my impressive GCSE results. Being a student at **********88 has given me many opportunities. The college puts great emphasis on ICT, and computers have always been a part of my studies. Utilising the potential of computers, and in particular the internet for further studying, has been very beneficial. Good

I am looking forward to moving on to university. I am excited at the prospect of making new friends, living in a different area and adapting to a new style of learning. I think it will be a very challenging and stimulating experience, one I will be wholly dedicated to achieving the best I can.

Away from my academic studies, I have a part time job in the local retailer Morrisons. Working there has allowed me to develop my communication skills, and I enjoy meeting different types of people and trying to aid them in any way I can. I have gained experience of being part of a team and having a certain degree of responsibility, which has led to me increasing my confidence. Does that mean you're not a confident person? Maybe you could change it to something like "which has made me even more confident."

I feel that I have many good qualities which will enable me to have a successful career at university. I am self motivated, dedicated and put great effort into achieving what I feel I can.

I think you need to write a lot more before you send it off.
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capslock
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(Original post by imperial_baby)
damn i really can't believe people are writing their personal statements so early (not that it's a bad thing)

i wrote mine september and the deadline for it was 15th october..not something i'm proud of lol...but writing it in july! damn u go girl!
Ditto :P
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worried_mess
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girl?...........

watch your mouth

:cool:
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worried_mess
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#10
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i appreciate everyone's comments and they are entirely sensible. but certain things, such as saying why i enjoy business? i really do not know, i DONT enjoy any subject but business is one i am fairly good at and can see me having a lasting interest in... thats it.
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clare_m
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p'haps then talk of a business degree's long term potential for you. describe what you hope to get out of it, or any possible careers you may have looked into? i found this v hard, but u might have more focus than me!
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risk-is-good
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(Original post by worried_mess)
i appreciate everyone's comments and they are entirely sensible. but certain things, such as saying why i enjoy business? i really do not know, i DONT enjoy any subject but business is one i am fairly good at and can see me having a lasting interest in... thats it.
In order to do a degree, and actually achieve something, you really do need to enjoy the subject. I have always been told from an early age that I have a talent for Maths, but I did not enjoy it; hence I did not take it to A-Level.
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clare_m
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(Original post by risk-is-good)
In order to do a degree, and actually achieve something, you really do need to enjoy the subject. I have always been told from an early age that I have a talent for Maths, but I did not enjoy it; hence I did not take it to A-Level.
MATHS A-LEVEL ROCKS! woohoo go maths! if u are good at maths u shud really just grin and bear it - it makes u so employable - i ,on the other hand, have found it my favourite subject - how sad am i??!! (please do not answer that)
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worried_mess
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I had a ' gift' for English Language and Literature, I was always the only classmate to raise my hand for every question, my GCSE exams felt like a walk in the park, EASY.
I got A*s in both exams and my coursework.

But I HATED it lol, so I didnt carry it on!!

I dont want to write out this fanatical statement which is nothing to do with me, I do not have wet dreams over business studies every night, I hate school and I am not motivated!!

But I would be a good student and an asset to any college, but if I have to make out I have led a perfect, glorious academic life and have all these ambitions and goals, I wont be happy.

Surely I should just be honest?
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magiccarpet
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sorry if ive missed something, but as someone who only knows u from what your statement is, i dont even know what it is you want to do at uni! it isnt made clear what u want to do there and what motivates you to do it. also, try not to start with the bit about alevels. a guy applying to do business @ oxford started his with a quote by aristotle summing up what he thought was best about business. i started mine with aristle quote on law, then linked it to why i wanted to study it. mention any relavent work shadowing you have done also. where do u want to go and what do u want to study?

also how comes u r applying so late? your application will have to be extra good if you are a late applicant cos most places will be taken.
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dogtanian
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A lot of the sentences start with "I". While a personal statement is supposed to be about you, so you'd expect a lot of 'em, I think that playing around with sentence structure a little will make each bit stand out. It should flow better without all going into one big mush that makes the admissions tutor glaze over slightly.

I can't really give advice on the content side, I'm not very business-y.
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dogtanian
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(Original post by magiccarpet)
also how comes u r applying so late? your application will have to be extra good if you are a late applicant cos most places will be taken.
2005 entry..?

Oh, and please don't take this as an insult, I haven't read your or your friend's PS so I wouldn't know, but it is very difficult to include a quote in such a thing without is sounding pretentious and tacky. If you wouldn't normally drop famous quips into conversation, it'll be an obvious deviation from the writer's natural tone, and sound wrong. Even if the person doesn't know you, I think.
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worried_mess
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#18
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Yeah I am applying for 2005 entry, and intend to submit my application on september 1st

well, magiccarpet, i already said in a few of my replies that basically I want to do business, and i want to do it because I find it interesting and the only lesson not boring to me. How can I write paragraph after paragraph of crap that isnt true?
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Pencil
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(Original post by worried_mess)
I dont want to write out this fanatical statement which is nothing to do with me, I do not have wet dreams over business studies every night, I hate school and I am not motivated!!
lol... that's the spirit. They'd probably respect your honesty.
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worried_mess
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#20
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But thats my dilemma, would they rather me be frank and honest or accept someone who says what they want to hear, and doesnt mean it
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