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22 male, feeling like I've fallen into a social/relationship black hole. Watch

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    Ok so a bit of background info. This is a long read and a bit in depth so no hard feelings if you can't be bothered If you do though, I'd greatly appreciate any feedback Thanks!

    I'm 22, 23 in a few months. I've been single now for nearly 3 years after my first relationship ended pretty badly. It wasn't a long relationship, 7 months, but I enjoyed it until all of a sudden after she went away on a friends holiday I never saw her again afterwards (leading me to believe she cheated as she seemed to become a completely different person, but I'm just speculating). She did speak to me when she got home but it was torture as she just kept coming up with excuses as to why we couldn't meet up and talk and eventually she just said it was done with. It was over a period of 2-3 weeks were communication just dropped and I had no idea what was going on, feeling like I'd done something and not being able to see her to try and sort whatever it was that was wrong. It messed me up pretty badly I hate to admit, I was a wreck at the time. I feel that that relationship and the way it ended completely killed my trust in the other sex and put me off trying to talk to anyone new for months and months.

    The next year, my dad died. As I'm sure anyone can imagine it was a horrendous time, and it still isn't easy but it's important to look forward and remember the good times. However, because of what happened I became a bit of a recluse and felt bad every time I'd go on nights out that year (obviously not around the time of his passing) because I felt I shouldn't be going out and trying to enjoy myself. My confidence in life again took a huge hit and one of the hardest things as well was having so many people who I grew up with through school and college have nothing to say to me, no words of sympathy whatsoever. This again hurt me and made feel like someone who was never really anyone who made an impact in their lives, I was just there? If that makes any sense? I don't know.

    But with these things that have happened, my confidence has taken a huge hit. Its nearly 3 years since that train-wreck of a breakup, and just over 2 years of my dads passing.

    I don't feel like I'm capable of talking to anyone new, even if its just to try and ask them out for a coffee. I literally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to girls. I have forgotten everything I thought I knew. I've downloaded Tinder in the past to see who's out there and to try and force myself to initiate something, but with every match I can't bring myself to do it. My mind goes blank and I just become stupidly nervous because I have absolutely no idea how I speak to girls anymore. I feel like I don't look good enough for anyone either. I'd like to think I'm decent enough, I'm no Channing Tatum, but I'm no Shrek either. Growing up through high school and college I'd like to think I did ok for myself. House parties were frequent and (with a bit of dutch courage) had enough confidence to talk to people. But now, nothing. Nada.

    When I go out round town now, I look at all the other lads and just feel inferior, knowing there's a bunch of 18 year olds fresh out of college who have more bottle in their pinky than all I have put together. I'm nearly 23 for christ sake.

    I just need to know if anyone in any way no matter how similarly or not has been through anything like this where sh*t has hit the fan and they've become clueless in the social world? I feel kind of pathetic posting on here, but I used to browse these forums a lot when I was in college so I know good advice can be found on here. Any feedback is great, thanks for reading!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok so a bit of background info. This is a long read and a bit in depth so no hard feelings if you can't be bothered If you do though, I'd greatly appreciate any feedback Thanks!

    I'm 22, 23 in a few months. I've been single now for nearly 3 years after my first relationship ended pretty badly. It wasn't a long relationship, 7 months, but I enjoyed it until all of a sudden after she went away on a friends holiday I never saw her again afterwards (leading me to believe she cheated as she seemed to become a completely different person, but I'm just speculating). She did speak to me when she got home but it was torture as she just kept coming up with excuses as to why we couldn't meet up and talk and eventually she just said it was done with. It was over a period of 2-3 weeks were communication just dropped and I had no idea what was going on, feeling like I'd done something and not being able to see her to try and sort whatever it was that was wrong. It messed me up pretty badly I hate to admit, I was a wreck at the time. I feel that that relationship and the way it ended completely killed my trust in the other sex and put me off trying to talk to anyone new for months and months.

    The next year, my dad died. As I'm sure anyone can imagine it was a horrendous time, and it still isn't easy but it's important to look forward and remember the good times. However, because of what happened I became a bit of a recluse and felt bad every time I'd go on nights out that year (obviously not around the time of his passing) because I felt I shouldn't be going out and trying to enjoy myself. My confidence in life again took a huge hit and one of the hardest things as well was having so many people who I grew up with through school and college have nothing to say to me, no words of sympathy whatsoever. This again hurt me and made feel like someone who was never really anyone who made an impact in their lives, I was just there? If that makes any sense? I don't know.

    But with these things that have happened, my confidence has taken a huge hit. Its nearly 3 years since that train-wreck of a breakup, and just over 2 years of my dads passing.

    I don't feel like I'm capable of talking to anyone new, even if its just to try and ask them out for a coffee. I literally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to girls. I have forgotten everything I thought I knew. I've downloaded Tinder in the past to see who's out there and to try and force myself to initiate something, but with every match I can't bring myself to do it. My mind goes blank and I just become stupidly nervous because I have absolutely no idea how I speak to girls anymore. I feel like I don't look good enough for anyone either. I'd like to think I'm decent enough, I'm no Channing Tatum, but I'm no Shrek either. Growing up through high school and college I'd like to think I did ok for myself. House parties were frequent and (with a bit of dutch courage) had enough confidence to talk to people. But now, nothing. Nada.

    When I go out round town now, I look at all the other lads and just feel inferior, knowing there's a bunch of 18 year olds fresh out of college who have more bottle in their pinky than all I have put together. I'm nearly 23 for christ sake.

    I just need to know if anyone in any way no matter how similarly or not has been through anything like this where sh*t has hit the fan and they've become clueless in the social world? I feel kind of pathetic posting on here, but I used to browse these forums a lot when I was in college so I know good advice can be found on here. Any feedback is great, thanks for reading!
    I'm sorry to hear about this all, I cant imagine how hard it is to lose a parent
    Its no wonder you're having trouble getting back out there with all this, on top of your ex being so thoughtless. I'm sure you'll get your confidence back, you just need to work on involving yourself socially. Do you work? Is there some sort of social circle you can get involved with there? I'm still a sheltered student so a little oblivious in that area (so sorry if advice is vague ). I have had a situation that has prompted me to fall out of the social circle but I was lucky enough to have a close friend to rely on. Maybe get together with some old friends and go on a few nights out? You're in your early twenties, prime age and there's plenty of time to get out there. Try not to focus on the other lads around you, its no comparison and chances are they haven't had any life changing events so far. Let loose and focus on yourself. Do what you enjoy, and naturally you'll regain your confidence and people will gravitate to you
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    (Original post by Aykem)
    I'm sorry to hear about this all, I cant imagine how hard it is to lose a parent
    Its no wonder you're having trouble getting back out there with all this, on top of your ex being so thoughtless. I'm sure you'll get your confidence back, you just need to work on involving yourself socially. Do you work? Is there some sort of social circle you can get involved with there? I'm still a sheltered student so a little oblivious in that area (so sorry if advice is vague ). I have had a situation that has prompted me to fall out of the social circle but I was lucky enough to have a close friend to rely on. Maybe get together with some old friends and go on a few nights out? You're in your early twenties, prime age and there's plenty of time to get out there. Try not to focus on the other lads around you, its no comparison and chances are they haven't had any life changing events so far. Let loose and focus on yourself. Do what you enjoy, and naturally you'll regain your confidence and people will gravitate to you
    Yeah I recently started a new job which I'm really enjoying, it's a big company so there's the potential to get to know a lot of new people I guess. I currently have a few close friends who've stuck by me which obviously I'm really grateful for. I don't have issues with trying to go out, it's just when I am, I'm like a rabbit in the headlights. I keep close to everyone and don't have the nerve to interact with anyone else. The people who I work with however all seem to be able to connect with others, i.e. girls and can speak to them so easily. I'm completely miffed by it all and completely out of touch. Thanks for your reply.
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    I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. You've gone through a lot and I'm sorry to hear that you didn't feel much support from your community of friends, thank goodness for your close group. But, you are the same guy you were when you started dating your ex (honestly, in hindsight, be glad to be rid of her!) and the same guy from high school and college who did okay for yourself. If you were getting matches on tinder so that is good because some guys don't get matched. So, I think you're over-thinking it...... don't try and 'talk to a girl' - too much pressure.....just talk to the person.
    You are going to have to step away from the safety of your friends when you go out. Don't worry about talking to a 'girl' but just talk to the person. You have a lot going for you actually.... you are almost 23, you have a job and you sound like a sincere person. The 18 yr olds you're comparing yourself to are all young and cocky.... you've had real life experiences that have matured you, grounded you and makes you much more relatable. I'm assuming you'd like to find another relationship and not just a pick up.
    I don't have an personal experience similar to yours but I know you will get through this. You are still young and you will find the one who appreciates you but it might take some more time. Definitely seek out ways to meet new people, join a new church, volunteer, take up a new hobby that requires you to meet up - such as group hiking etc. Don't beat yourself up - girls will sense that. Just don't over think - be yourself. I know that sounds so cliche but it is really true.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok so a bit of background info. This is a long read and a bit in depth so no hard feelings if you can't be bothered If you do though, I'd greatly appreciate any feedback Thanks!

    I'm 22, 23 in a few months. I've been single now for nearly 3 years after my first relationship ended pretty badly. It wasn't a long relationship, 7 months, but I enjoyed it until all of a sudden after she went away on a friends holiday I never saw her again afterwards (leading me to believe she cheated as she seemed to become a completely different person, but I'm just speculating). She did speak to me when she got home but it was torture as she just kept coming up with excuses as to why we couldn't meet up and talk and eventually she just said it was done with. It was over a period of 2-3 weeks were communication just dropped and I had no idea what was going on, feeling like I'd done something and not being able to see her to try and sort whatever it was that was wrong. It messed me up pretty badly I hate to admit, I was a wreck at the time. I feel that that relationship and the way it ended completely killed my trust in the other sex and put me off trying to talk to anyone new for months and months.

    The next year, my dad died. As I'm sure anyone can imagine it was a horrendous time, and it still isn't easy but it's important to look forward and remember the good times. However, because of what happened I became a bit of a recluse and felt bad every time I'd go on nights out that year (obviously not around the time of his passing) because I felt I shouldn't be going out and trying to enjoy myself. My confidence in life again took a huge hit and one of the hardest things as well was having so many people who I grew up with through school and college have nothing to say to me, no words of sympathy whatsoever. This again hurt me and made feel like someone who was never really anyone who made an impact in their lives, I was just there? If that makes any sense? I don't know.

    But with these things that have happened, my confidence has taken a huge hit. Its nearly 3 years since that train-wreck of a breakup, and just over 2 years of my dads passing.

    I don't feel like I'm capable of talking to anyone new, even if its just to try and ask them out for a coffee. I literally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to girls. I have forgotten everything I thought I knew. I've downloaded Tinder in the past to see who's out there and to try and force myself to initiate something, but with every match I can't bring myself to do it. My mind goes blank and I just become stupidly nervous because I have absolutely no idea how I speak to girls anymore. I feel like I don't look good enough for anyone either. I'd like to think I'm decent enough, I'm no Channing Tatum, but I'm no Shrek either. Growing up through high school and college I'd like to think I did ok for myself. House parties were frequent and (with a bit of dutch courage) had enough confidence to talk to people. But now, nothing. Nada.

    When I go out round town now, I look at all the other lads and just feel inferior, knowing there's a bunch of 18 year olds fresh out of college who have more bottle in their pinky than all I have put together. I'm nearly 23 for christ sake.

    I just need to know if anyone in any way no matter how similarly or not has been through anything like this where sh*t has hit the fan and they've become clueless in the social world? I feel kind of pathetic posting on here, but I used to browse these forums a lot when I was in college so I know good advice can be found on here. Any feedback is great, thanks for reading!
    This is either that SpiritSharD or RobML lol
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    In terms of feeling like everything has gone to **** and like you've gone into a black hole.
    I know how it feels.

    You should understand that this is a phase, these negative feelings will subside.

    The less you think about the negative emotions and thoughts the faster the phase will pass.

    Try hitting the gym to vent your frustrations etc - you turn your negativity into something productive that will make you feel more confident and happy, as serotonin levels will be boosted!
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    (Original post by ServantOfMorgoth)
    This is either that SpiritSharD or RobML lol
    Not me.

    @OP

    I'm away on holiday atm so just browse the forums during downtime. I can relate to this so expect a proper reply from me in a few days time.
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    I fell into a black hole last nite. Nom say'n?


    (Original post by SpiritSharD)
    Not me.

    @OP

    I'm away on holiday atm so just browse the forums during downtime. I can relate to this so expect a proper reply from me in a few days time.
    :toofunny: at you catching that...
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    you are still only 22 young man !!

    if you want you can put all of this stuff behind you. but you have to really really want to.
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    (Original post by SpiritSharD)
    Not me.

    @OP

    I'm away on holiday atm so just browse the forums during downtime. I can relate to this so expect a proper reply from me in a few days time.
    You have 7 gems, I have 7 gems. You have 27 followers, I have 27 followers, you have 2...badge thingies, I have 2 badge thingies.
    It's a race my lad lol a race to...wherever. Just a race innih.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    You have 7 gems, I have 7 gems. You have 27 followers, I have 27 followers, you have 2...badge thingies, I have 2 badge thingies.
    It's a race my lad lol a race to...wherever. Just a race innih.
    28 followers actually...
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    (Original post by trustmeimlying1)
    28 followers actually...
    Excellent, cheers mate. It's like waking up to Xmas.
 
 
 
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