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How do I get over my friend, who I love, being with someone else? Watch

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    At my old school, I met this girl who I instantly got on with and we became friends. Then during sixth form and especially so since leaving, we became very close to the point where at uni, we now message and FaceTime everyday and can talk to each other about deeply personal and private things about our lives and we have an incredibly strong bond. It meant a lot to me because I've honestly never had a friendship this strong, genuine and close with anyone before, and I would normally be the first person she came to, and sometimes only, if she was upset or concerned about something. To this day, we've never had a single argument. We do still see other in person from time to time though, if I either go and visit her at her uni or she asks me round to her house during the holidays.

    So as fate would have it, since starting uni I started developing some overwhelming feelings of attraction for her, because I was really missing seeing her in person a lot, like it was at school, and I realised just how deeply I actually cared about her. It got so strong that I couldn't bear the thought of being with anyone else because tragically I honestly felt like she was 'the one' for me.

    So end of last year sometime she was seeing this guy and the thought of this sent my feelings into a painful overdrive and so I finally told her how I felt (although I didn't mention to what extent it went to) and she told me that she only saw me as a friend. I was of course quite crushed but tried to accept it and move on. As this thing with this guy got more involved over the next few days it really was making me miserable and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then he was caught doing something in a club and so she stopped talking to him and was effectively single again.

    This made me feel much better after they 'broke up' because the thought of her happy with someone else in the way I would have liked pained me. She was so good about how I felt about her though. It made absolutely no difference to our friendship and we could actually even talk about it a lot on FaceTime without the slightest bit of awkwardness felt by either of us, which I was incredibly grateful for. This period really helped me to move on from her and try to focus on other people because she wasn't seeing anyone herself. But in the back of my mind, I knew that one day I would have to face the situation of her being with another guy again, and unless I was with someone I really liked at the time, I just didn't feel like I was ready to face up to it.

    So a few weeks ago she got Tinder and matched with a guy at her uni who she started talking to. It quickly turned into pretty much non-stop texting all day everyday, which was more than we messaged each other. They got on really well and have since been on two dates, both of which lasted for hours because they got on so well. The other night he came round to her flat and even stayed the night in her room. Although they didn't do anything overtly sexual, they did kiss, cuddle and even slept together in her bed, according to what she told me the next day. I have to say, although when they first started texting it didn't phase me too much (even though it was still quite off putting), the further this relationship is going, the more it's been hurting me inside. Seeing her increasingly happy with this guy in a way I'd like with her, when I know it'll never happen, is really painful. At one point it made me feel quite unwell. This guy also seems much more genuine and serious than the other guy so it's much more likely this will last. I'm happy for her of course, but at the same time it does hurt.

    In fairness, she has insisted that it won't affect our friendship and that she wouldn't let that happen, which is really nice and has helped, although we are talking on FaceTime marginally less at the moment because times when we otherwise would've done, he's been round, and that's bugged me a bit. I've also not really told her how it's affecting me because I just don't want to make her feel bad and think she can't talk to me anymore. I'm honestly really envious of this guy as well because seeing as I know her really well, I know just how lucky this guy is to have her like that. But despite how I feel, I'd still love to keep her as a friend because she's a really great friend who I'd hate to lose.

    And just very quickly, what makes it worse is that I've never experienced anything like this with anyone ever. Tinder and subsequent dating apps have been completely useless with me. I've never been able to 'win someone over', and seeing this unfold with her just makes me want it more. And then this guy is successful with her on Tinder and appeals to her in a way I can't. And the trouble is that every girl I could develop an interest in, I'm always comparing them to her so, if anything were to happen theoretically, I have to think about whether I would still be missing my friend because I like her more than the other girl, which is a horrible scenario.

    So my situation is this: How can I get over this so I can move on and just see her as a friend, without the thought of this relationship hurting me? I know you could say that I should ask her to stop talking about what's going on, or even not talk at all for a time, which is understandable. But one strange aspect is that knowing to what extent this relationship is currently at, at least helps me to accept what has happened rather than constantly wondering "have they done this? Have they done that?" which would bug me, and also if I were to stop talking for a time, I would be worried that the reason why (being how I feel) may develop future strains in our friendship which would be terrible, especially as this is something I can't help but feel and certainly don't want to feel either. If you still agree one of these is the right thing to do then by all means say so. But what would you say can I do in order to get over this so I'm not feeling really miserable and upset about it and just enjoy her friendship and my life for what it is?
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    This sounds really difficult. Personally, I would try to forget myself and not let it consume me, and be happy for my friends, seeing as she'd probably never have any feelings for me, and it would be useless to pine on that hope. Open yourself up to the possibility that what they could become something serious- if that happens, you'll probably be less of a priority in her life (unless she makes a conscious effort to talk to you as much as she used to, but that doesn't seem to be happening). Therefore don't rely on her -I know it's easy to say but try not to think about it all the time, don't let all your thoughts be about this girl. While she's away at uni, try to build organise your life so that she has less of a place in it (keep talking to her as much as ever obviously, but don't let her dominate your life when you don't see her). Try to make some new friends at uni, join more clubs and societies, divert yourself, read lots of books, refine existing hobbies (or find new ones), don't let your mind revolve around her and get used to thinking of her as your friend who has a thing with someone else.
    Don't idolise her as perfect, she might be ideal for you but there are lots and lots of girls out there and some may be perfect too, just in a different way, and you may like this other girl better.
    After all she's your friend and you should also feel happy for her- focus your emotions on that rather than on feeling sad for yourself (even if it's not easy).
    Sorry for the rambling and good luck xx
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    To be honest, I think the only ways to stop having feelings for her is to fall for someone else or to cut all contact with her. The longer you let this go on, the more unhappy you are making yourself. Don't be that guy who waits for a relationship that is unlikely to ever happen!

    It's clear that she means a great deal to you, so I expect that cutting contact is out of the question. In that case, you need to go out and meet more people - tinder isn't the best way to make meaningful relationships. Going to social events and meeting mutual friends is probably your best bet.

    Until you move on, remaining blissfully unaware about her relationship status might be helpful. It might make things a bit awkward, but if she cares about you she should make an effort to understand. At the beginning, you'll probably get those nagging thoughts like I wonder what they're doing right now and is she happy with him? Acknowledge these, without getting frustrated with yourself, and give yourself a metaphorical slap around the face to change the topic.:slap: Think instead about something you enjoy thinking about, such as an upcoming event, or a hobby, or learning a new skill.

    Moving on takes time and perseverance, and everyone goes through it at some point so you're not alone. Personally, I've buried my head in books and bought myself a cactus to look after until I'm ready to meet new guys, but I have A levels and (potentially) uni in September to distract me from the guy I'm trying to get over.

    You have to remain hopeful that you will get over her - love is an addiction, but human brains are adaptable to change.
    Good luck 😊
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    (Original post by Ambre)
    This sounds really difficult. Personally, I would try to forget myself and not let it consume me, and be happy for my friends, seeing as she'd probably never have any feelings for me, and it would be useless to pine on that hope. Open yourself up to the possibility that what they could become something serious- if that happens, you'll probably be less of a priority in her life (unless she makes a conscious effort to talk to you as much as she used to, but that doesn't seem to be happening). Therefore don't rely on her -I know it's easy to say but try not to think about it all the time, don't let all your thoughts be about this girl. While she's away at uni, try to build organise your life so that she has less of a place in it (keep talking to her as much as ever obviously, but don't let her dominate your life when you don't see her). Try to make some new friends at uni, join more clubs and societies, divert yourself, read lots of books, refine existing hobbies (or find new ones), don't let your mind revolve around her and get used to thinking of her as your friend who has a thing with someone else.
    Don't idolise her as perfect, she might be ideal for you but there are lots and lots of girls out there and some may be perfect too, just in a different way, and you may like this other girl better.
    After all she's your friend and you should also feel happy for her- focus your emotions on that rather than on feeling sad for yourself (even if it's not easy).
    Sorry for the rambling and good luck xx
    It's certainly not easy, but slowly I've been coming to terms with it. I think she's noticed a change in my mood since they started seeing each other which is a direct result of it. I come across as more miserable and unenthusiastic, but hopefully I'll overcome this with time. I can't deny that talking to her a bit less (if this indeed turns out to be the case in the long-run) because of this other guy would in itself be a bit of a shame but if I keep myself occupied and busy doing things in my second year then it probably wouldn't be so bad. Thanks for the advice, though.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To be honest, I think the only ways to stop having feelings for her is to fall for someone else or to cut all contact with her. The longer you let this go on, the more unhappy you are making yourself. Don't be that guy who waits for a relationship that is unlikely to ever happen!

    It's clear that she means a great deal to you, so I expect that cutting contact is out of the question. In that case, you need to go out and meet more people - tinder isn't the best way to make meaningful relationships. Going to social events and meeting mutual friends is probably your best bet.

    Until you move on, remaining blissfully unaware about her relationship status might be helpful. It might make things a bit awkward, but if she cares about you she should make an effort to understand. At the beginning, you'll probably get those nagging thoughts like I wonder what they're doing right now and is she happy with him? Acknowledge these, without getting frustrated with yourself, and give yourself a metaphorical slap around the face to change the topic.:slap: Think instead about something you enjoy thinking about, such as an upcoming event, or a hobby, or learning a new skill.

    Moving on takes time and perseverance, and everyone goes through it at some point so you're not alone. Personally, I've buried my head in books and bought myself a cactus to look after until I'm ready to meet new guys, but I have A levels and (potentially) uni in September to distract me from the guy I'm trying to get over.

    You have to remain hopeful that you will get over her - love is an addiction, but human brains are adaptable to change.
    Good luck 😊
    I completely agree about falling for someone else. Ultimately if I meet someone who I feel just as strongly about, if not stronger, it should be enough to completely get me over her so I can just see her as a friend again. Until then, I just need to be able to not let it bother me. I'm going home for Summer soon which will be surrounded by family and other things going on such as holidays, and likewise my friend won't really be able to see this guy during the holidays either, given the distance. This will certainly help me get over it for Summer, but I just hope I can make a fresh start upon going back in September.
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    (Original post by RobertEllis97)
    xis?
    TL; DR.

    but will reply based on thread title.

    1) LMAO if you are under the age of 21 and you say you love someone. Lol no you dont, you are too emotionally immature to know what love actually is.

    2) A lot of people go through the same thing - fixation and infatuation with a certain guy or girl, but when they move on and find someone else, they often realise their crush wasnt actually that great tbh, and it was just their lack of experience and emotional maturity that made them obsessed with them.
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    (Original post by RobertEllis97)
    It's certainly not easy, but slowly I've been coming to terms with it. I think she's noticed a change in my mood since they started seeing each other which is a direct result of it. I come across as more miserable and unenthusiastic, but hopefully I'll overcome this with time. I can't deny that talking to her a bit less (if this indeed turns out to be the case in the long-run) because of this other guy would in itself be a bit of a shame but if I keep myself occupied and busy doing things in my second year then it probably wouldn't be so bad. Thanks for the advice, though.
    Sounds like you'll be fine
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    I am glad for you that the summer is coming up and that will help to distract you. I would definitely recommend that you start pulling back from this friendship/relationship for now. I think it will be very hard for you to honestly and open mindedly be open to a new girl when this one is so much on your mind. It is totally understandable how you find yourself in this situation but with out letting up on this friendship its going to be hard for you to move on. Nothing may come of her new relationship being that summer is quickly approaching but, if not with this guy then perhaps the next (assuming it's not you), there will come a point where the guy in her life doesn't want her facetiming with you etc. The further she gets into a relationship w/ another guy the more he is going to make sure his girl isn't continuing to facetime and tell you everything about her life - especially if he knows you have feelings for her. Would you want your girlfriend doing with another guy you don't know. Just saying....yes, I know it shouldn't matter if you're just friends but it will. You have a wonderful friendship and it is completely understandable why you have the feelings you do but you are cheating yourself from finding another girl who you can build a new and romantic relationship with. IF, however, you don't find that new girl for a while then you are going to be hearing all about your friend's relationships and even though you want to be happy you're going to continue to have your heart broken. You care about this girl and, sadly, you won't be able to control how your heart feels. Your time at uni goes by quickly....please don't spend your time there pining away for a friendship/relationship with a girl who has made it clear you are only her friend. You are cheating yourself but keeping the friendship at the level it is....it works for her but ultimately it isn't working for you.... at least not now. I suggest you start to back off from your regular communication and fill that time with, hopefully new friends or activities that lead to new friends and hopefully new relationships.
    Here is the good news!!! You are absolutely going to find that new girl!!! You sound like a great guy! Most guys don't want to talk and hear about girls lives etc. You know what I mean. The fact that you're the guy that enjoys that.... enjoys a girl's company because you can appreciate her as a person is going to make you attractive to a lot of girls. You just need to give them the chance and you can not compare them!!! It took you a long time to build your friendship w/ you friend and so give the girls at uni the time to allow a new friendship/relationship to grow. Good Luck!
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    Hey there,

    While I cannot specifically relate to your situation I can understand what you must be going through. You have a strong bond with someone for ages but then you have caught feelings for them which I believe is only part of human nature because you cannot stop love. I would love to sit here and tell you that you and her shall ride off into the sunset but I can't, please do not take that in the wrong way though. I think it is important that you keep your friendship bond with her strong and that you shall need to let go of the feelings that you possess for her in a romantic way and remember that your friendship is more important. It may be hard to digest that she is seeing another boy but in your heart your bond was stronger as friends so continue to just be friends. Offer her set of ears and be her guidance if she needs it, do not throw away a friendship for feelings because friendship shall always last longer.

    Good luck and I hope I have helped.
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    stop being a pussy and look for other women. Everyone gets crushes on their friends. What you're experiencing is not special. She's not special. If you put your mind to it you could get over her. But you keep pining for her because that's easier than being a man. At lest day to day. In the long run that **** will ruin your life.

    Do you really want to live your life being hurt because your friend gets on other men?

    **** sake, a female friend of mine whom i was very close with would not being getting on other men around me and telling me about it. That tells me she doesn't even view you as a man.
 
 
 
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