Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I have this friend who I got really close to over a short space of time. He seemed really interested in what I was doing and how I felt. He would say lovely things about how much he believed in me which would obviously make me very happy.

    I felt something was off with the whole thing and questioned why he was doing this and he wouldn't give me a straight answer; regardless I did the typical girl thing of developing feelings for him. He seemed so invested in what I was doing that I thought maybe he liked me too. Only now I see he didn't and that he is happy on his own.

    Recently he has gone from talking to me regularly to just going silent. This has left me feeling hurt and insecure because my other friends don't do this to me. I regret trusting him with all the things I told him about the terrible things I have been through because of the way he has cast me aside. I feel like a project because he wanted to make me feel better and well he couldn't. It's his thing to help people but only recently do I realise that it's almost like some sort of complex.

    It makes me feel hurt...and 'used' for want of a better word. I don't really know what to think and any advice would be massively appreciated.
    • #2
    #2

    Okay, this is weird but the exact same thing happen to me barely a month ago. Literally, word for word the same (it sounds like we're talking about the same person, seriously), except we'd been speaking for a year before he got cold and distant. For me, every time I got close to getting over it, he'd pop back up and tell me a load of bs about how he cares no matter what, and your guy may do this too when he realised he messed up. Does he talk to a lot of other girls? Is it the same for them?
    I think you should bluntly ask him if somethings wrong, as hes not likely to be able to dodge it and it avoids all the games and confusion. Make him answer and tell him how you feel.
    But if he carries on doing the same, dont chase him. Go cold turkey so to speak, just get on with your life without him and you'll realise its not so deep. Talk to your other friends, be careful what you trust people with and eventually if he does come back to explain himself/apologise, then great, but dont rely on it.
    • #3
    #3

    I'll try to have a positive outlook on this.

    Ok so you said it's his thing to help people and that he wanted to help you, but he couldn't. Are you sure that is how it is?

    I am in some ways similar to this guy, so maybe I can offer some advice on his perspective of things, first off how did it end? That's important, did he show signs of ending the conversation maybe for good? And how recent was this?

    Because for people that want to help others, there's only so much we can do unless like we're giving you the attention that we would give a Significant Other. A saying a friend phrased perfectly for me is this: "I can build you a boat, but you're going to have to sail it."

    What I'm hoping happened here is that the guy saw you were in need of someone, supported you throughout a short period, gave you the tools to make sure you could feel better about yourself in the future, and then moved on to others.

    As you said, you think it's a complex of his, thus he won't be able to help you all the way, he'll give you the equipment, but you'll have to climb the mountain yourself. The complex of his will see that you're good enough to go on by yourself now, so he moves on to a next person, because there are so many more out there that need help.

    For me personally, the only time I would ever sail the boat with someone I helped or climbed the mountain with them is either if I owed them something huge or I intended to marry them. That's just me, but maybe that explains why he just left abruptly, because he didn't have feelings for you and his job was done.

    Hope this helps.
    • #4
    #4

    why is everyone anon?

    posted by saeed9744
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is weird but the exact same thing happen to me barely a month ago. Literally, word for word the same (it sounds like we're talking about the same person, seriously), except we'd been speaking for a year before he got cold and distant. For me, every time I got close to getting over it, he'd pop back up and tell me a load of bs about how he cares no matter what, and your guy may do this too when he realised he messed up. Does he talk to a lot of other girls? Is it the same for them?
    I think you should bluntly ask him if somethings wrong, as hes not likely to be able to dodge it and it avoids all the games and confusion. Make him answer and tell him how you feel.
    But if he carries on doing the same, dont chase him. Go cold turkey so to speak, just get on with your life without him and you'll realise its not so deep. Talk to your other friends, be careful what you trust people with and eventually if he does come back to explain himself/apologise, then great, but dont rely on it.
    Hello thanks so much for you reply

    I've been feeling more and more hurt. He's just stopped replying to my messages but I can see he has been online. No he has a lot of friends but it's a mix of girls I think and he doesn't seem to be particularly close to any other girls.

    Well I've not seen him in person to ask and now because it's been weeks since I last saw him in person, I genuinely don't know how I am going to react to seeing him: as in whether I will just hide my feelings and forgive him for how he made me feel or just go crazy and confront him about how hurt and insecure I feel.

    I have tried to go cold turkey, you are absolutely right. But as soon as he sends me a message I reply because I'm not someone who likes to play games and not reply or whatever. I trusted him because he came across so honest but the difference is I think he is outspoken but that doesn't necessarily mean he is open as a person to me. I became attracted to his personality not how he looks and now I just feel hurt.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'll try to have a positive outlook on this.

    Ok so you said it's his thing to help people and that he wanted to help you, but he couldn't. Are you sure that is how it is?

    I am in some ways similar to this guy, so maybe I can offer some advice on his perspective of things, first off how did it end? That's important, did he show signs of ending the conversation maybe for good? And how recent was this?

    Because for people that want to help others, there's only so much we can do unless like we're giving you the attention that we would give a Significant Other. A saying a friend phrased perfectly for me is this: "I can build you a boat, but you're going to have to sail it."

    What I'm hoping happened here is that the guy saw you were in need of someone, supported you throughout a short period, gave you the tools to make sure you could feel better about yourself in the future, and then moved on to others.

    As you said, you think it's a complex of his, thus he won't be able to help you all the way, he'll give you the equipment, but you'll have to climb the mountain yourself. The complex of his will see that you're good enough to go on by yourself now, so he moves on to a next person, because there are so many more out there that need help.

    For me personally, the only time I would ever sail the boat with someone I helped or climbed the mountain with them is either if I owed them something huge or I intended to marry them. That's just me, but maybe that explains why he just left abruptly, because he didn't have feelings for you and his job was done.

    Hope this helps.
    The last time I saw him in person was maybe a month ago and messaged him since and he replied once but hasn't replied to my messages now in nearly two weeks. When I saw him last time he told me that he would see me the following week and promised to reply to my messages more quickly in future. Only what happened was I got sick and went back into hospital (and then came out again) and I have only heard from him once and that was 2 weeks ago. so things were OK but changed for no apparent reason.
    • #5
    #5

    This person I knew did the same, we were in the same class, he went out of his way to get my number
    at first I avoided giving it him because I knew what kind of person he was as he had this bad boy reputation
    eventually I gave in and he would text a lot and we got on well, at first I was cold and didnt engage much because I dont open up easily but he has this way of smooth talking and so I eventually started trusting him and was talking to him like I do with my close friends aaaaand I developed feelings (*sigh* ik)
    after this point he just stopped talking and I didnt understand why, I didnt make it obvious that I had feelings at all I just opened up a little and started talking properly but I was confused and fustrated becauase I didnt understand,
    when I would text he would reply but it wasnt like he used to put the effort in before
    and now I'm at a point where I asked how his exam went a week ago and he hasnt replied and I didnt think he would anyway now becuase he reads my msg but never replies.
    I felt hurt at first, its like he saw me as a challenge as other girls open up to him happily but I was hesitant,
    It makes me feel crap but I've decided to move on, I've deleted his number and will avoid him whenever possible because I know he just saw this as a game and I could do better and so can you!!
    I know its hard sometimes accepting that they possibly never felt the way you did as when I think back now how he would seem so lost in me when we used to talk and he would just keep looking into my eyes and lean in as close as possible to talk, all these signs telling me he was interested but I guess this is the hardest part, accepting they played you and once you realise that your feelings will eventually burn out
    I hope you work this out xx
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I hope you work this out xx
    Thanks so much I just don't understand why it hurts so much when he hasn't specifically done anything wrong. If he has least I could legitimately be angry. :/
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello thanks so much for you reply

    I've been feeling more and more hurt. He's just stopped replying to my messages but I can see he has been online. No he has a lot of friends but it's a mix of girls I think and he doesn't seem to be particularly close to any other girls.

    Well I've not seen him in person to ask and now because it's been weeks since I last saw him in person, I genuinely don't know how I am going to react to seeing him: as in whether I will just hide my feelings and forgive him for how he made me feel or just go crazy and confront him about how hurt and insecure I feel.

    I have tried to go cold turkey, you are absolutely right. But as soon as he sends me a message I reply because I'm not someone who likes to play games and not reply or whatever. I trusted him because he came across so honest but the difference is I think he is outspoken but that doesn't necessarily mean he is open as a person to me. I became attracted to his personality not how he looks and now I just feel hurt.
    No problem (I'm Anon#2 the first reply btw, taken off anon)
    You're reply just reinforces how similar my experience was. I'm really sorry you're going through this all now on top of personal issues, trust me I know how hard it is. Yeah, I'd always accept his sorry even though his actions didnt change, and it just made it more painful in the long run. It really is your best bet to try and care less, but believe me I know how hard it is when you open up to someone and they let you down I don't know what else I can advise, but our situation is literally the same, so if you want to compare or just want to talk more about this, feel free to PM me
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: June 2, 2016
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.