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    Hello,
    I'm dealing with a lot of regret and decreased confidence resulting from a decision I made two years ago: I didn't take a place to study languages at Oxford.

    My highly opinionated university professor of a father, with dystopian -tinted glasses on, strongly discouraged me from going there. This was for financial reasons (he claimed the debt would be dehabilitating), social reasons (he implied that all Oxford students are narcissistic, and socially irresponsible), and political reasons (he disapproves of that milieu and the actions of influential people connected with it). I find all of this interesting but my views do not align totally with his. (I will not detail my views here, but, basically, on one level I think everyone has talents to offer and basic human goodness - combining the two is a worthwhile goal. Mulitplying this process throughout society, starting with oneself, will reduce suffering.)

    I also feel that I must look after myself to get to a point of being well equipped to help other. The lost opportunity, I must say, has really got me down. There be serious flaws in the system - but banishing oneself from it will surely be mostly likely lead to one roaming on the moors rather than debating in the fora. I wish I had made the most of the opportunities I had...

    Now my intellectual and social confidence has decreased, as I've spent an unplanned gap year doing very little (my alternative university plans abroad did not work out). Attending the 'university of life' is all very well and good - but all I have ever wanted to do is develop my intellectual pursuits and become a researcher. I'm under the impression that my decreased confidence and increased age upon eventually graduating will play against me.

    Please advice me! How do you think I can rebuild my confidence after this? Should I let myself feel the regret or just draw a line under it and imagine that other opportunities will arise. Perhaps I need to develop my faith in existence above all things.
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    Maybe try applying to Oxford Brookes, that way you can still claim to go to Oxford (Brookes).
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    (Original post by physicsphysics91)
    Maybe try applying to Oxford Brookes, that way you can still claim to go to Oxford (Brookes).
    Why would I do that when their courses are not interesting and they do not operate a tutorial system?

    Serious comments only please!
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    First, I wanna say that I love your username.

    Secondly, don't allow your parents opinions speak for your own. If Oxford did end up as not so nice place to be, you would've experienced the hit and miss, rather than miss because you think it's gonna miss anyway! Maybe after your degree, you can apply to do a postgrad there? It's not the be all or end all, mistakes are made all the time.
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    You got in. You chose not to go.

    Why is your confidence knocked?
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    (Original post by thecatwithnohat)
    First, I wanna say that I love your username.

    Secondly, don't allow your parents opinions speak for your own. If Oxford did end up as not so nice place to be, you would've experienced the hit and miss, rather than miss because you think it's gonna miss anyway! Maybe after your degree, you can apply to do a postgrad there? It's not the be all or end all, mistakes are made all the time.
    Ok, thanks. That helps actually. You're saying swing and roundabouts and falling of the climbing frame! I guess everyone makes mistakes....

    Thanks for the compliment by the way. I happen to like yours too
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    (Original post by inhuman)
    You got in. You chose not to go.

    Why is your confidence knocked?
    Just because I've pretty much wasted over a year of my youth: when I could have been developing my interests in interaction with others and sharpening my skills as a pupil of experts, I've instead been working in uninteresting jobs. Sometimes I just feel sad and like a failure.
    • Very Important Poster
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    (Original post by Des_Lumières)
    Hello,
    I'm dealing with a lot of regret and decreased confidence resulting from a decision I made two years ago: I didn't take a place to study languages at Oxford.

    My highly opinionated university professor of a father, with dystopian -tinted glasses on, strongly discouraged me from going there. This was for financial reasons (he claimed the debt would be dehabilitating), social reasons (he implied that all Oxford students are narcissistic, and socially irresponsible), and political reasons (he disapproves of that milieu and the actions of influential people connected with it). I find all of this interesting but my views do not align totally with his. (I will not detail my views here, but, basically, on one level I think everyone has talents to offer and basic human goodness - combining the two is a worthwhile goal. Mulitplying this process throughout society, starting with oneself, will reduce suffering.)

    I also feel that I must look after myself to get to a point of being well equipped to help other. The lost opportunity, I must say, has really got me down. There be serious flaws in the system - but banishing oneself from it will surely be mostly likely lead to one roaming on the moors rather than debating in the fora. I wish I had made the most of the opportunities I had...

    Now my intellectual and social confidence has decreased, as I've spent an unplanned gap year doing very little (my alternative university plans abroad did not work out). Attending the 'university of life' is all very well and good - but all I have ever wanted to do is develop my intellectual pursuits and become a researcher. I'm under the impression that my decreased confidence and increased age upon eventually graduating will play against me.

    Please advice me! How do you think I can rebuild my confidence after this? Should I let myself feel the regret or just draw a line under it and imagine that other opportunities will arise. Perhaps I need to develop my faith in existence above all things.
    You dont appear to have gone to Uni.

    if I were in your position then I would contact the people who offered you a place last time and ask them if you could apply again. I'd then go to oxford as I wished and take on the debt that many other students are enjoying for far lesser degrees.. SFE will still fund you I think.

    Dont tell your father if it causes ruptions. He can. imagine you are off doing other things.

    The rest of your post was a bit too self indulgent for me.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    You dont appear to have gone to Uni.

    if I were in your position then I would contact the people who offered you a place last time and ask them if you could apply again. I'd then go to oxford as I wished and take on the debt that many other students are enjoying for far lesser degrees.. SFE will still fund you I think.

    Dont tell your father if it causes ruptions. He can. imagine you are off doing other things.

    The rest of your post was a bit too self indulgent for me.
    Ok, thanks. I don't think hiding my plans from my father is an option for me but I can see myself sticking to what I think more in the future.

    I'm sorry that you did not enjoy having to read through the rest of my post. Out of interest, which part of it is self-indulgent (it would help me a lot to know, for reasons of gaining a bit more perspective!).
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    (Original post by Des_Lumières)
    Ok, thanks. I don't think hiding my plans from my father is an option for me but I can see myself sticking to what I think more in the future.

    I'm sorry that you did not enjoy having to read through the rest of my post. Out of interest, which part of it is self-indulgent (it would help me a lot to know, for reasons of gaining a bit more perspective!).
    Sorry a bit tired and impatient. Answered a lot of threads tonight. Dont take it personally.
    I read it and then read it backwards as I normally do.

    I think I identified the issue.

    Is there any reason you cant reapply or make contact with them and explain?
    Ots one of those life turning point things. If you dont cry then you can have a very boring time regretting it and not taking up the offer.

    If the offer existed or you could revive it and you have backed yourself into a corner because you wont go against your fathers wishes, then you have to persuade him its what you want to do and you are ok with the debt etc, its still what you want to do.

    Have no idea how loony your dad is? I would go anyway but you cant go against his wishes, so you leave yourself to be crushed between that and a desire to do what you really want? Theres someone posting on here tonight about their father deciding they dont deserve an education and ripping the finance forms up. Your dad should wnat whats best for you and realise when you are old enough to make your own decisions.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Sorry a bit tired and impatient. Answered a lot of threads tonight. Dont take it personally.
    I read it and then read it backwards as I normally do.

    I think I identified the issue.

    Is there any reason you cant reapply or make contact with them and explain?
    Ots one of those life turning point things. If you dont cry then you can have a very boring time regretting it and not taking up the offer.

    If the offer existed or you could revive it and you have backed yourself into a corner because you wont go against your fathers wishes, then you have to persuade him its what you want to do and you are ok with the debt etc, its still what you want to do.

    Have no idea how loony your dad is? I would go anyway but you cant go against his wishes, so you leave yourself to be crushed between that and a desire to do what you really want? Theres someone posting on here tonight about their father deciding they dont deserve an education and ripping the finance forms up. Your dad should wnat whats best for you and realise when you are old enough to make your own decisions.
    Thanks so much for your reply. My father is indeed very eccentric and heavily anarchist in his views!

    I generally have a very good relationship with him and would not want to hurt him however I think there are some issues I need to work in my relationship with him (like asserting my freewill). Your insights have helped me out, thanks. I have not posted any other thread on here tonight btw.

    I guess I want to build my confidence in myself and not feel like I have to please him all the time! That can be very tiring after a while. Building my independence in small steps I guess will help me build up to be able to get on with the things I would like to do in life. I suppose the resentment I feel (toward him(?) and myself) does not help anyone - so I should try and find a positive outlets for it. I suspect that when I have built my independence more I will feel better about this, because the trouble is feeling like he is stepping on my toes. Do you think that this may be the case?
 
 
 
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