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    #1

    I'm gonna put a TW on this and post as a spoiler because I'd had to trigger anyone! (will probably be some numbers etc so yeah, avoid if in a fragile place!!!!)
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    Since 2013 I've battled on and off with anorexia. I was diagnosed in feb 2013 and was with CAMHS for 18 months until I turned 18. When I was with them I lost weight to begin with, refused to comply etc etc and I'm now around 8/9kg higher than I was when I was with them... my bmi is just in the healthy range (20.1) now whereas it used to be 17.2. But I miss this. I miss the feeling of being faint and weak, I miss the sense of control from skipping meals and I miss having anorexia as my friend. So I invited her back into my life. My life is falling apart around me - none of my friends are talking to me, they all go out without me, I'm left on my own in school because they go off and no one ever tells me where, they go out for lunch but no one asks me if I want to come because 'I'm the anorexic who will just say no' I leave home in 4 months and have started my A2 exams (today).

    I messed up my exam today and I know that if I had eaten lunch before hand it would have helped me to perform better but in all honesty, I couldn't deal with the s**t I would have got from my head if I had eaten. My exams are taking place in a small room due to severe anxiety but it was in the room where I had my first meeting with CAMHS in school and my parents found out I had been abusing laxatives and it just brought back bad memories, but I know I can't cope with doing the exams anywhere else.

    I stopped taking my antidepressants 2 months ago because I thought I could cope without them and it was a stupid decision but now my head is telling me I don't deserve to go back on them because I deserve to suffer. I don't know what to do or who to turn to...

    I messed up, I'm never going to get an A in the exam or that subject over all, I just wanna relapse completely. The mental health team in my area are so crap - I had an assessment and was told that I was fine and discharged - I wasn't fine - I wasn't eating yet the nurse I saw told me as long as I ate one meal a day she didn't mind. I was self harming at the time, she saw and asked one question then moved on... the scored on my questionnaire were abnormally high yet I didn't need their support apparently. My GP has referred me to the adult ED unit two times now but I'm weight restored so I obviously don't need their help...

    I do want to get better, obviously I do, but I just don't know if I can take the crap from my head right now and honestly, full on relapse is seeming to be the only way forward for me right now

    If you've read all of this then thank you so much!
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    Hi,

    I don't have any experience with anorexia, but I do have first hand experience with depression and anxiety.

    First off, don't cause yourself more stress by worrying about your exams. Inform your school and GP of your relapsing and try and inform exam boards/universities as soon as possible. With mitigating circumstances like this, universities like to know preferably before exams, but definitely before they get your results. Also, if things do get too much there are always alternative pathways. Whether you take a few months out, redo A2 (I think you should be able to resit the majority of exams, at least), go through clearing... A2 results are not the be all end all. As someone who left A2 part way through because she couldn't cope, I really respect you for keeping your education a priority through this difficult time and for still working hard. I'm grateful that I could come back and do my A2 exams, but I wish I could have been brave enough to face the year and reach the end.

    And that's something good to focus on. Exams will go in the blink of an eye, so at least this stressful time won't last forever. I know it's not a great consolation, but I find it helps.

    You do deserve to take medication. NO ONE deserves to suffer, but I know how comforting giving in to your illness and harming yourself can be. Especially at a time like A-Levels where it's nice to feel 'in control' of yourself in some way, but, as you said, despite this 'control', your life isn't improving.

    I know all too well the unsettling aspect of rooms, especially the ones you sit exams in. I couldn't even set foot in college without a panic attack this time last year, so I really commend you for battling through. Please don't take me as being condescending. I'm genuinely amazed at anyone who can put up with all of that and still keep going with exams. I don't know if it would help you at all, but I've started wearing ear plugs to exams. I become very hyper aware of sounds when I'm stressed, so they help block noise out and help to 'numb' my mind, if that makes sense. Which helps for exams. Again, please let your school know what's going on and tell them to try and inform exam boards as soon as possible and possibly email universities yourself. Things will only work in your favour if everybody is in the loop, believe me.

    Well done on gaining weight. You've probably heard it all before, but recovery really isn't a linear journey. It has major highs and lows. Feeling how you are is in no way a set back. Please share how you're feeling with doctors/family/teachers, anyone who you think will listen and care. Your friends don't sound like very good friends if they're using your illness as an excuse to be downright *****y. I know it's hard to do, but forget about them for the moment. Focus on yourself, your well being and your goals. You'll be in a new situation come September and hopefully in your chosen university, where you can meet new friends. Also, you can get in touch with your chosen universities disability support and tell them how you are, your worries about university and ask about support there. I'm sorry you've experienced such poor care, but perhaps the disability department at your university will be 100x better.

    Please feel free to ask me any more questions or just message me if you need somebody to talk to and good luck with the rest of the exam season.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by sophiebookley)
    Hi,

    I don't have any experience with anorexia, but I do have first hand experience with depression and anxiety.

    First off, don't cause yourself more stress by worrying about your exams. Inform your school and GP of your relapsing and try and inform exam boards/universities as soon as possible. With mitigating circumstances like this, universities like to know preferably before exams, but definitely before they get your results. Also, if things do get too much there are always alternative pathways. Whether you take a few months out, redo A2 (I think you should be able to resit the majority of exams, at least), go through clearing... A2 results are not the be all end all. As someone who left A2 part way through because she couldn't cope, I really respect you for keeping your education a priority through this difficult time and for still working hard. I'm grateful that I could come back and do my A2 exams, but I wish I could have been brave enough to face the year and reach the end.

    And that's something good to focus on. Exams will go in the blink of an eye, so at least this stressful time won't last forever. I know it's not a great consolation, but I find it helps.

    You do deserve to take medication. NO ONE deserves to suffer, but I know how comforting giving in to your illness and harming yourself can be. Especially at a time like A-Levels where it's nice to feel 'in control' of yourself in some way, but, as you said, despite this 'control', your life isn't improving.

    I know all too well the unsettling aspect of rooms, especially the ones you sit exams in. I couldn't even set foot in college without a panic attack this time last year, so I really commend you for battling through. Please don't take me as being condescending. I'm genuinely amazed at anyone who can put up with all of that and still keep going with exams. I don't know if it would help you at all, but I've started wearing ear plugs to exams. I become very hyper aware of sounds when I'm stressed, so they help block noise out and help to 'numb' my mind, if that makes sense. Which helps for exams. Again, please let your school know what's going on and tell them to try and inform exam boards as soon as possible and possibly email universities yourself. Things will only work in your favour if everybody is in the loop, believe me.

    Well done on gaining weight. You've probably heard it all before, but recovery really isn't a linear journey. It has major highs and lows. Feeling how you are is in no way a set back. Please share how you're feeling with doctors/family/teachers, anyone who you think will listen and care. Your friends don't sound like very good friends if they're using your illness as an excuse to be downright *****y. I know it's hard to do, but forget about them for the moment. Focus on yourself, your well being and your goals. You'll be in a new situation come September and hopefully in your chosen university, where you can meet new friends. Also, you can get in touch with your chosen universities disability support and tell them how you are, your worries about university and ask about support there. I'm sorry you've experienced such poor care, but perhaps the disability department at your university will be 100x better.

    Please feel free to ask me any more questions or just message me if you need somebody to talk to and good luck with the rest of the exam season.

    Hi,

    Thank you so much for your response! I tried to reply on my phone last night but it was playing up :/

    I am thinking about not sitting one or two of my exams but am not going to decide until the day of the exam I guess I retook year 12 because of it all and at the moment I regret it... I think I feel like I have to prove myself and that I was worthy of retaking the year! That is true - 2 weeks and it'll be over!

    Thank you, I might try and start introducing them gradutally again - I take quite a high dose so don't want to start it that high straight away! I'm thinking of telling my head of year because the withdrawal effects have been horrendous! And then maybe we can work out how to tell my GP?

    Sorry to hear that you couldn't even make it in to college - I made it in to college but my lesson attendance for a year was at below 30% which I guess explains why I did so badly the first time around! And you don't sound condescending at all, its nice to feel supported! Ooh okay, I'll try it in my mock I have tomorrow and see if it helps! The noise is something that makes my anxiety go through the roof, which is where the smaller room comes in handy but it was still fairly noisy - there is more outside noise from PE lessons where I am now, so earplugs sounds like a good idea!

    I've actually had an assessment letter through the post today for the adult ED service in my area which has sent anciety levels through the roof especially as its for next week!!!! But I guess I'll try be as honest as possible with them becase its the only way to move forward. My uni seem really really supportive so far so that's a good thing but I might update them, just so they are aware.

    Thank you for your advice, it was really helpful And hope you are doing okay
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    Thank you so much for your response! I tried to reply on my phone last night but it was playing up :/

    I am thinking about not sitting one or two of my exams but am not going to decide until the day of the exam I guess I retook year 12 because of it all and at the moment I regret it... I think I feel like I have to prove myself and that I was worthy of retaking the year! That is true - 2 weeks and it'll be over!

    Thank you, I might try and start introducing them gradutally again - I take quite a high dose so don't want to start it that high straight away! I'm thinking of telling my head of year because the withdrawal effects have been horrendous! And then maybe we can work out how to tell my GP?

    Sorry to hear that you couldn't even make it in to college - I made it in to college but my lesson attendance for a year was at below 30% which I guess explains why I did so badly the first time around! And you don't sound condescending at all, its nice to feel supported! Ooh okay, I'll try it in my mock I have tomorrow and see if it helps! The noise is something that makes my anxiety go through the roof, which is where the smaller room comes in handy but it was still fairly noisy - there is more outside noise from PE lessons where I am now, so earplugs sounds like a good idea!

    I've actually had an assessment letter through the post today for the adult ED service in my area which has sent anciety levels through the roof especially as its for next week!!!! But I guess I'll try be as honest as possible with them becase its the only way to move forward. My uni seem really really supportive so far so that's a good thing but I might update them, just so they are aware.

    Thank you for your advice, it was really helpful And hope you are doing okay
    Aw good to hear I helped a bit! I know how you feel, feeling like you have to prove yourself - I'm in a similar position.

    But I'm sure we can do it! And talking to your head of year sounds wise, the withdrawal symptoms really are horrendous to go through. If you're worried about the GP, maybe try going in with a parent and having a plan of what to say? I know that I had a period where I had stopped taking my tablets and was too scared to tell him, but my mum is quite brash and mouthy so she did it for me.

    Hope everything goes okay. Keep us posted and again, feel free to message me if you need to talk!
 
 
 
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