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    I'm looking for responses from people who are in a similar situation. I'd love to meet people who have, surely I can't be alone.

    I come from what certainly is a broken home. Parents separated, father living abroad who never communicates with me, mother living here who is suffering from a chronic disease who is very difficult to deal with to the point of being abusive, who refuses to speak to me, apart from speaking insults. I never was emotionally close to either of them. We moved a lot when I was younger due to parents' disagreements: I've been in six schools and have had to start over many times so not many school friends. I'm not a part of any sort of cultural comunity, we have no family friends, parents never socialize. I go home for the holidays. My mother badmouths me to her friends so we avoid each other.

    This would be hard for somebody of any religion to deal with, but since I'm a practicing Muslim there are specific issues that arise. The major one is that I don't have a place in society. My religion and the fact that I can't drink or go out clubbing means I can't fit into wider UK society like your average British person; most Muslims belong to a comunity but there isn't a comunity I belong to. I don't even know many other Muslims. If people were to look at me they'd probably assume I must have strong family, even cultural ties because of my religion (and they have) but this is far from the case.

    Growing up I never thought this would become a problem, all I wanted to do was go to unversity so I could move away from the family home. But now that I have, I've found myself with a new dilemma, that of not belonging. I've accepted not having a family's support, but don't think I can cope with not having a place in society. I thought my 'place' would be at universty, that I'd just live with my friends and that we'd support each other, but they already have their families and communities as their main support structure, whereas I don't... Anybody the same?
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    I'm not in the same situation but that sounds like a heck of a lot to go through.

    Stay strong. 💪🏼
    • #1
    #1

    I always think "Stay strong" is a useless
    what's the point if staying strong will lead you to either nowhere or simply more hardship?

    anyhow, surely there have got to be SOME people at uni that are in a similar situation.
    I can relate by some aspects, everyone around me seems to love their family alot more and rely on them etc have good ties. I don't. I live in harmony but I don't "Trust" them and they have emotionally hurt me in the past and also physical abuse so I just don't feel the same love and trust but I still care to some extent.
    I would only move out after I've been through uni and can support myself.

    Not the same situation but I can kind of understand. Honestly, just don't go looking for the emotional support of family in friends. You have to learn to be your own family which you've accepted and support yourself in those ways. Only look for a friend in friends (sometimes not even that - just looking for a good time, regularly with most people is all it's worth).

    I don't understand how this correlates with not "fitting" in. The things people do with family are at home. It seems like you just need to make friends regardless of what people's home life is like. My friends have a very different background to mine alot of the time, it doesn't make a difference. I think you're focusing on having a place in society too much, when really what does that even mean? Everyone's part of society just by existing, you don't need to have a specific "grouping" just be yourself and interacting with people normally means being a part of society.
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    Join the islamic society at uni? I think a fair few muslims are in the same boat as you in the sense 'not fitting in with typical uni students'.
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    I'm sorry you feel that way . I felt the same to some extent as my parents are bad at keeping in touch in relationships. This means we have few family members and friends we talk to. Try and establish a good group of Muslim friends, even just 1 or 2. If they are good friends they will often treat you like extended family. Maybe to find some friends you could join thevislamic society at your uni. Or maybe get more involved in the local mosque and their activities? Xx
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    I completely sympathise with you and hope you eventually see the light at the end of a tunnel. My only advice is to be very very wary of radicalisation. The reason is that you're ISIS primary demographic, young and no major parent relationship to prevent you joining the unholy crusades. Be well versed in ways some people can draw you into this trap. Are you in any society in uni? Sports maybe? Can you still maintain a good relationship without clubbing as I'm currently doing? Best of luck buddy
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    (Original post by cosmic angel)
    I'm looking for responses from people who are in a similar situation. I'd love to meet pople who have, surely I can't be alone.

    I come from what certainly is a broken home. Parents separated, father living abroad who never communicates with me, mother living here who is suffering from a chronic disease who is very difficult to deal with to the point of being abusive, who refuses to speak to me, apart from speaking insults. I never was emotionally close to either of them. We moved a lot when I was younger due to parents' disagreements: I've been in six schools and have had to start over many times so not many school friends. I'm not a part of any sort of cultural comunity, we have no family friends, parents never socialize. I go home for the holidays. My mother badmouths me to her friends so we avoid each other.

    This would be hard for somebody of any religion to deal with, but since I'm a practicing Muslim there are specific issues that arise. The major one is that I don't have a place in society. My religion and the fact that I can't drink or go out clubbing means I can't fit into wider UK society like your average British person; most Muslims belong to a comunity but there isn't a comunity I belong to. I don't even know many other Muslims. If people were to look at me they'd probably assume I must have strong family, even cultural ties because of my religion (and they have) but this is far from the case.

    Growing up I never thought this would become a problem, all I wanted to do was go to unversity so I could move away from the family home. But now that I have, I've found myself with a new dilemma, that of not belonging. I've accepted not having a family's support, but don't think I can cope with not having a place in society. I thought my 'place' would be at universty, that I'd just live with my friends and that we'd support each other, but they already have their families and communities as their main support structure, whereas I don't... Anybody the same?
    I kind of know what you mean about when you kind of rely on people, like your friends, to make up your own life because you don't have a proper one with a disjointed family. But it seems like that they are too preoccupied with themselves or they have there own kind of separate life. It feels really unfair to me, like you my parents have separated but my relationship with my mum is ook but it's not enough cUse she's preoccupied with my younger siblings, my extended family though it's not really ok. Sometimes i see
    People with family and stuff and feel upset. Feel free to dm me then we can talk in more detail
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    (Original post by shazy2014)
    I kind of know what you mean about when you kind of rely on people, like your friends, to make up your own life because you don't have a proper one with a disjointed family. But it seems like that they are too preoccupied with themselves or they have there own kind of separate life. It feels really unfair to me, like you my parents have separated but my relationship with my mum is ook but it's not enough cUse she's preoccupied with my younger siblings, my extended family though it's not really ok. Sometimes i see
    People with family and stuff and feel upset. Feel free to dm me then we can talk in more detail
    Ok I'll send you a pm.
    • #2
    #2

    Not a Muslim, but I can vouch for what you're going through.

    I came from a broken home, step parents hated me, got kicked out a lot, a abandoned through points at university (if I didn't have a student loans probably would of ended up homeless tbh) and you come out the other end you really do.

    I know we come from different situations, but I can understand the feeling. A sense of belonging replaces the emptiness you have from not having it at home. Friends replace and give the support your family lacks.

    There's a lot riding on you fitting it at university, more than other students. Your independence and break to try and start a fresh is built on just this change in your life - I've been there I felt exactly the same!!

    But try to remember, going to university is a big change for everyone and it can take a while to find your own little niche you settle into happily. Join Muslim societies, go to the local mosque, and talk to people of different cultures, many people are welcoming to Muslims and would not judge you for joining them with to the pub and drinking a coke.

    I know you want to feel settled, but moving means it takes a while to feel settled you'll get there eventually. And being away from home and getting there will feel like the biggest accomplishment and hurdle you've ever done!

    (I've put myself as anonymous because my students use this site!)
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