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    It can do with a bit of proof-reading but it's fine otherwise.
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    It can do with a bit of proof-reading but it's fine otherwise.
    what do u mean?
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    sounds good so far!

    you could maybe mention any clubs you take part in at school as this shows that you really are part of the school? and maybe even mention any things you have taken part in outside of school, so if you've volunteered for a charity or helped family members or siblings with something, just so it shows that you are a selfless person who cares the welfare of others rather than yourself?

    hope this helps and good luck!!
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    (Original post by miniboo)
    what do u mean?
    I think you may be missing out some punctuation since the sentences do ramble a bit.
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    I think you may be missing out some punctuation since the sentences do ramble a bit.
    oh, can you tell me where abouts?
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    (Original post by miniboo)
    oh, can you tell me where abouts?
    I've also seen a few word errors. Also, replace all your "coulds" with "cans" - so that you communicate clearly how suitable you are for the role. Below is your paragraph proofread by me
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Here iswhy I believe I cancarry out these roles of great importance, playing a critical role, internally and externally. You need someone with the ability to work effectively within a team and yet still demonstrate leadership. I believe that I cantake up thisrole of Head Girlbecause I have represented the school very professionally to others by making them feel welcome with my humour and my passion. I have participated in numerous events, for example, every year I contribute opening evening and give up my time no matter what to help make my school representable. This also helps me gain confidence and experience, especially as a guide taking parents around the school site. I have good listening skills - I see myself as a good adviser to anyone who is upset because I would like to be able to be seen as an approachable person for pupils of all ages to be able to talk to, about any queries or concerns they may have. I would hope to bring different sections of the school closer together with my own and other students' ideas of how to do so. Another way I believe I can excel in this role would be using my communication skills. I have had a lot of experience due to the fact that I am a peer mentor - I can communicate with younger children and make them feel comforted. As a mentor I have the responsibility of keeping them happy and if they have any problems, they would know who to go to. In school I have taken part in different types of amazing opportunities, for example, getting one of my poems published in a book, and also speaking my poem in front of an audience with confidence.
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    (Original post by miniboo)
    thankyou! iv'e changed it all to this :'D
    Oops, I just realised the spaces didn't render correctly when I wrote that, but I guess you know what I meant
 
 
 
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