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    It's probably none of my business what she wants to do any more but this is so different to what I've known of her.

    She wants to be friends with other people. She wants to be able to joke with guys the way guys joke with each other. To her, it feels like a double standard why guys can joke with others like that, and she can't without it leading to some unnecessary complicated scenario where they start liking her. To her, she just sees these guys as friends, however as an outsider, it's clear as day light that these guys have an interest in her. Hanging around all the time and chatting into the late night doesn't seem normal for a strictly platonic friendship.

    I wish I could just wake her up about it all. Is she in denial? Is she just naive? Is this just a result of general depression with her life?

    Maybe it's none of my business any more even though we had been together for 7 years. Yet, I feel like if I were to behave in such a manner, I'd want someone close to me to point out how I'm behaving...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's probably none of my business what she wants to do any more but this is so different to what I've known of her.

    She wants to be friends with other people. She wants to be able to joke with guys the way guys joke with each other. To her, it feels like a double standard why guys can joke with others like that, and she can't without it leading to some unnecessary complicated scenario where they start liking her. To her, she just sees these guys as friends, however as an outsider, it's clear as day light that these guys have an interest in her. Hanging around all the time and chatting into the late night doesn't seem normal for a strictly platonic friendship.

    I wish I could just wake her up about it all. Is she in denial? Is she just naive? Is this just a result of general depression with her life?

    Maybe it's none of my business any more even though we had been together for 7 years. Yet, I feel like if I were to behave in such a manner, I'd want someone close to me to point out how I'm behaving...
    I get what you're saying, and from your point of view it seems quite frustrating.

    But leave it. You don't even need to have her in your life - you can just cut her out and move on completely and you won't know about any of these things.
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    Huh?

    I'm confused... I genuinely don't understand what exactly you would wish to be pointed out to you: what behaviour?
    It is actually normal or common to talk for hours into the night with friends, of either gender, especially young people. Not everyone does, but that's what many people do on social media, on the phone, at each others' houses or in bars.

    If these guys do like her, then that is their own issue - they are adults (I'm presuming) who can decide on their own whether they get enough out of the friendship for it to be worthwhile or not. If advances are made one day and rejected, then that's just how it's going to go and they can still decide whether they value the interaction enough or not.

    If she is flirting and falsely making vague allusions to the possibility of a relationship - then that is different. I can't tell if that's the case just from what you've said here. All I can see is that while she was with you... she didn't have as many (or any?) male friends. That doesn't mean she's degenerated or isn't herself anymore. It sounds like this is causing you some distress, but why is that? Because of outdated and unfair ideas - or because she is actually a horrible person that would use people for an ego boost? If she wasn't before, I seriously doubt she has suddenly become that way.
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    (Original post by Ribbits)
    Huh?

    I'm confused... I genuinely don't understand what exactly you would wish to be pointed out to you: what behaviour?
    It is actually normal or common to talk for hours into the night with friends, of either gender, especially young people. Not everyone does, but that's what many people do on social media, on the phone, at each others' houses or in bars.

    If these guys do like her, then that is their own issue - they are adults (I'm presuming) who can decide on their own whether they get enough out of the friendship for it to be worthwhile or not. If advances are made one day and rejected, then that's just how it's going to go and they can still decide whether they value the interaction enough or not.

    If she is flirting and falsely making vague allusions to the possibility of a relationship - then that is different. I can't tell if that's the case just from what you've said here. All I can see is that while she was with you... she didn't have as many (or any?) male friends. That doesn't mean she's degenerated or isn't herself anymore. It sounds like this is causing you some distress, but why is that? Because of outdated and unfair ideas - or because she is actually a horrible person that would use people for an ego boost? If she wasn't before, I seriously doubt she has suddenly become that way.
    We all play the same game which makes it easy for us to chat together online. I'm just not sure how normal it is to chat/hang with someone for several hours a day everyday of the week. There is an aura of exclusivity that surrounds them, to the extent where other people were thinking that it's odd.

    Whilst I was in a relationship, I was upset (and perhaps I still am bitter) that my ex basically had such a close connection without establishing a clear boundary with these people. They had no idea that she was in a relationship, and because they never asked, she never mentioned she was in a relationship but continued to joke and engage in these people who had an interest in her. Effectively, the close bond they had was based on a small lie, which is that these guys were giving her attention because they were interested in her.

    When I look at it like that, this is a clear case where my ex is stringing along guys who don't know about her past. It upsets me on multiple levels because not only was a rejected, but also because this is not the person I know.

    Is it OK to be friends with someone who clearly has a romantic interest in you? Without you telling them so? Is it OK to talk to them late into the evening 2-3am and not let them know? Is it OK to make jokes like "I'll miss you when you go another country T.T" and joke with love emoticons "Hello! <3" just because other male friends can do that and they wouldn't have an issue?

    My EX does have a fair point. There does seem to be a double standard when it comes to girls making jokes that may be perceived romantically but guys can do it to guys no problem.

    It seems to me that my boundary of what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate is very different.
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    (Original post by Ribbits)

    If these guys do like her, then that is their own issue - they are adults (I'm presuming) who can decide on their own whether they get enough out of the friendship for it to be worthwhile or not. If advances are made one day and rejected, then that's just how it's going to go and they can still decide whether they value the interaction enough or not.
    You know... This is a really good point that I hadn't looked at it from their perspectives. They are adult enough to decide whether there is anything, whether they decide to escalate things. I shouldn't need to interfere by saying that my GF shouldn't stop leading them on.

    In that sense, it's basically me just not approving my ex's behaviour....

    Thank you for revealing that to me. I think I can see that it's all about me feeling hurt now and feeling betrayed.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We all play the same game which makes it easy for us to chat together online. I'm just not sure how normal it is to chat/hang with someone for several hours a day everyday of the week. There is an aura of exclusivity that surrounds them, to the extent where other people were thinking that it's odd.

    Whilst I was in a relationship, I was upset (and perhaps I still am bitter) that my ex basically had such a close connection without establishing a clear boundary with these people. They had no idea that she was in a relationship, and because they never asked, she never mentioned she was in a relationship but continued to joke and engage in these people who had an interest in her. Effectively, the close bond they had was based on a small lie, which is that these guys were giving her attention because they were interested in her.

    When I look at it like that, this is a clear case where my ex is stringing along guys who don't know about her past. It upsets me on multiple levels because not only was a rejected, but also because this is not the person I know.

    Is it OK to be friends with someone who clearly has a romantic interest in you? Without you telling them so? Is it OK to talk to them late into the evening 2-3am and not let them know? Is it OK to make jokes like "I'll miss you when you go another country T.T" and joke with love emoticons "Hello! <3" just because other male friends can do that and they wouldn't have an issue?

    My EX does have a fair point. There does seem to be a double standard when it comes to girls making jokes that may be perceived romantically but guys can do it to guys no problem.

    It seems to me that my boundary of what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate is very different.
    Oh wow... she was with you for 7 years and never mentioned that she was in a relationship?!?

    It is okay to be friends with someone that has romantic interest in you: as long as it's a healthy friendship on both sides and you've made it clear to them that you are already taken or not interested (if and when they bring it up). If what they gain from the friendship doesn't outweigh the pain of rejection, you need to cut contact, and If you purposefully never mention your boyfriend... that's... something else.

    I only half understand her point about the jokes - do guys ever say "Hello! < 3" to anyone they aren't interested in? I think there is joking around casually (which fair play to her, can sometimes be unfairly misinterpreted if you happen to be opposite genders), and then there's flirting, regardless of gender. There is such thing as a platonic friendship strong enough to go beyond it ever being flirtatious, like a sibling kind of love - but that requires years, maturity and complete honesty.

    You say this is not like you know her... implying she's changed, but then you also said she was like this while you were together too and you didn't like it. Maybe it actually is just what she's like? She clearly likes the ego boost, although she probably does care for them genuinely as a friend too.

    Edit: Just to be clear, you had every right to be upset - it's essentially emotional cheating to maintain those kind of relationships. If they had known you were together, the dynamic would have been different. You shouldn't do that, out of love and respect for your partner.
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    (Original post by Ribbits)
    Oh wow... she was with you for 7 years and never mentioned that she was in a relationship?!?

    It is okay to be friends with someone that has romantic interest in you: as long as it's a healthy friendship on both sides and you've made it clear to them that you are already taken or not interested (if and when they bring it up). If they would be hurting less without knowing you, you need to cut contact, and If you purposefully never mention your boyfriend... that's... something else.

    I only half understand her point about the jokes - do guys ever say "Hello! < 3" to anyone they aren't interested in? I think there is joking around casually (which fair play to her, can sometimes be unfairly misinterpreted if you happen to be opposite genders), and then there's flirting, regardless of gender. There is such thing as a platonic friendship strong enough to go beyond it ever being flirtatious, like a sibling kind of love - but that requires years, maturity and complete honesty.

    You say this is not like you know her... implying she's changed, but then you also said she was like this while you were together too and you didn't like it. Maybe it actually is just what she's like? She clearly likes the ego boost, although she probably does care for them genuinely as a friend too.
    Some guys do make those jokes with each other. Things like proposing to the other guy, sending heart emoticons and all that business. It's pretty clear that everything is a big joke though. My Ex also wanted to join in the fun here, the difference is that it's not obvious what her intentions are. It sucks for her since it's true that just because she's female, suddenly she has to clarify things in order to make sure nobody misinterprets thing. She's a private person though so doesn't see why she should need to share this info though.

    It just makes me think of what this would like in a real life bar situation. Someone goes to chat with her all friendly, but it's clear that they are interested in her. I feel sad knowing that there's the chance that she might just think they were being purely friendly, and accept their invitation for a drink and laugh along with them without ever telling them about me.

    This is the equivalent of what was basically occuring in front of my eyes. She saw it all as platonic, I saw it completely differently. It seems obvious to me that you establish boundaries to prevent this sort of thing...

    At the end of it all, it just came across as being very naive, and not being able to distinguish between guys who are just platonic, and guys who have an interest in you.

    I just feel hurt that the entire time, I was never once introduced as her boyfriend to these people when we still were. That she didn't understand the importance of letting other people know you are in a relationship. The importance of establishing boundaries and letting the other person decide what sort of friendship they'd take.

    It makes me think of those topics when people find out that a friend suddenly acts weird a distant, they become all confused not understanding why the other person has decided to back the hell off.

    It's inexperience from not being around guys much, but I feel like it should have been common sense. Even if she's the most private person in the world.

    Thanks I guess this has ultimately turned into a rant now. I've decided to let go of things. You are right, it's her choice what she wants to do.
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    (Original post by Ribbits)
    You say this is not like you know her... implying she's changed, but then you also said she was like this while you were together too and you didn't like it. Maybe it actually is just what she's like? She clearly likes the ego boost, although she probably does care for them genuinely as a friend too.

    Edit: Just to be clear, you had every right to be upset - it's essentially emotional cheating to maintain those kind of relationships. If they had known you were together, the dynamic would have been different. You shouldn't do that, out of love and respect for your partner.
    Yes... The dynamic would have been completely different. I mean, I've got other female friends who joke with heart emoticons and pretending to miss another person. It's just that everybody knows that they are joking because they are in a happy relationship.

    Emotional cheating is exactly what it felt like to me. It's stage 1, where it's just friendship but friends aren't normally that close.

    She has changed. She lost her feelings for me over the last few month I guess, and this was what filled that void for her. Excitement, laughter and intensity of closeness whilst believing this is normal friendship...

    Thank you for validating my feelings that I'm right to feel upset by this all.
 
 
 
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