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Was it right we broke up despite we loved each other? Watch

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    We were together for 6 months, it was like paradise. We were totally in love. However, I did have some insecurities, I didn't open up to him about my condition (ADHD) because I thought if I did he would most probably leave me alone and heartbroken, I have exams so I waited to tell him afterwards. When he found out he thought he'd been deceived and actually wasn't tolerant which made me upset. He was also afraid that he would be too attached to me and lose himself. We split up because I don't feel like he accepted me for who I am and he feels bad for loving me so much.
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    What was he intolerant of? The fact that you have ADHD or that you didn't tell him sooner? If it's the first then yes it's good you broke up. If the second, then you could have found a way to fix everything.

    If he didn't realize you have ADHD all those months then it obviously isn't a obstacle in your relationship -- it's the fact he felt "deceived" and if you were truly in love you should have sat down like mature adults and explained everything.


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    I think him an imbecile for breaking it for either of the two issues.

    1) Breaking up because he learned you have ADHD has no real sense to it. It is a relatively mild condition, and besides, some studies show a large proportion of the younger population having ADHD (don't quote me on that; but I know that many people can also be misdiagnosed with ADHD if they do not behave very complacent in class, at least in the US, and other such arbitrary things). Besides, as mentioned before, he didn't even notice the ADHD previously anyway.

    2) Breaking up because you 'deceived' him is clearly a terrible excuse in this case. a) He should understand you didn't want to wreck your or his exams. b) You love him so you were afraid he'd leave you. c) If he would have loved you he would have been very understanding. Perhaps slightly disappointed, a bit displeased, but in way, shape or form even contemplate breaking up.

    You're better off without him. Unless it's just a phase for him and he'll come round. When you're looking to fall in love with someone, it can't be someone who is afraid 'to lose themselves'. Being in love most often means sharing pretty much everything, as would be the case in living together farther down the road.
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    (Original post by Caius Filimon)
    I think him an imbecile for breaking it for either of the two issues.

    1) Breaking up because he learned you have ADHD has no real sense to it. It is a relatively mild condition, and besides, some studies show a large proportion of the younger population having ADHD (don't quote me on that; but I know that many people can also be misdiagnosed with ADHD if they do not behave very complacent in class, at least in the US, and other such arbitrary things). Besides, as mentioned before, he didn't even notice the ADHD previously anyway.

    2) Breaking up because you 'deceived' him is clearly a terrible excuse in this case. a) He should understand you didn't want to wreck your or his exams. b) You love him so you were afraid he'd leave you. c) If he would have loved you he would have been very understanding. Perhaps slightly disappointed, a bit displeased, but in way, shape or form even contemplate breaking up.

    You're better off without him. Unless it's just a phase for him and he'll come round. When you're looking to fall in love with someone, it can't be someone who is afraid 'to lose themselves'. Being in love most often means sharing pretty much everything, as would be the case in living together farther down the road.
    Your last point contradicts what you just said. If it's about sharing everything, he must feel pretty crappy knowing that he was upfront about everything, but she wasn't. And just because you're okay with being deceived, doesn't mean he would be. Everyone draws the line at different points.

    While it depends on how severe your ADHD is, I don't think that's the thing he's upset about. I think it's more the fact that he thought you trusted him and were honest with him, but now he needs to reanalyse his opinion and feelings of you and how he sees you. Furthermore, he might feel taken advantage of, because you waited until you were clear of exams so that it wouldn't mess up your schedule, whereas he was in a false relationship.
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    How can ADHD, such a common affliction, which he didn't even notice himself, be such a case for unacceptance?

    Perhaps rather than say I'm ok with being 'deceived' what about you think of the fact that exams are very important. She could have messed up her own exams as well as his. It was the most logical course of action that was best for both.

    Besides, how is it deceiving when it is an affliction that is evidently not even too obvious. Are you supposed to tell your girlfriend if your right hand pinkie is longer than that of your left by 0.5cm? There was no deceiving. He didn't say 'i have no adhd' to later state otherwise.

    If he can't see that 1) the telling after exams was by far the best thing to do and 2) that adhd, a common thing and one he didn't even seem to notice is of little matter, then I don't think he is the best of partners

    I understand your pointing out of the contradiction, but not accepting someone because of previously unnoticed ADHD is very different. And then again, they had been together only for 6 months. It takes time to open up to things. And as anon has seen after these 6 months, her bf does not seem to be the understanding sort at all, which yet again proves why it tends to take time for people to open up.

    Again, it would be pretty inconsequential that she has adhd anyway. There was no deceiving. It's just that a common, and apparently unnoticeable ailment affected her, which makes no difference to the relationship. Him not being understanding gives shows her to have been correct in not wanting to open up.
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    (Original post by Caius Filimon)
    How can ADHD, such a common affliction, which he didn't even notice himself, be such a case for unacceptance?

    Perhaps rather than say I'm ok with being 'deceived' what about you think of the fact that exams are very important. She could have messed up her own exams as well as his. It was the most logical course of action that was best for both.

    Besides, how is it deceiving when it is an affliction that is evidently not even too obvious. Are you supposed to tell your girlfriend if your right hand pinkie is longer than that of your left by 0.5cm? There was no deceiving. He didn't say 'i have no adhd' to later state otherwise.

    If he can't see that 1) the telling after exams was by far the best thing to do and 2) that adhd, a common thing and one he didn't even seem to notice is of little matter, then I don't think he is the best of partners

    I understand your pointing out of the contradiction, but not accepting someone because of previously unnoticed ADHD is very different. And then again, they had been together only for 6 months. It takes time to open up to things. And as anon has seen after these 6 months, her bf does not seem to be the understanding sort at all, which yet again proves why it tends to take time for people to open up.

    Again, it would be pretty inconsequential that she has adhd anyway. There was no deceiving. It's just that a common, and apparently unnoticeable ailment affected her, which makes no difference to the relationship. Him not being understanding gives shows her to have been correct in not wanting to open up.
    I agree that if what he's upset about is the ADHD, then he may be overreacting. But I doubt it.

    And it's completely reasonable to be upset about someone hiding something. And while it was logical to wait, it was still kind of selfish and he would still be hurt about that.
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    (Original post by кяя)
    What was he intolerant of? The fact that you have ADHD or that you didn't tell him sooner? If it's the first then yes it's good you broke up. If the second, then you could have found a way to fix everything.

    If he didn't realize you have ADHD all those months then it obviously isn't a obstacle in your relationship -- it's the fact he felt "deceived" and if you were truly in love you should have sat down like mature adults and explained everything.


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    Both, he said if we had children and they had ADHD "he didn't want them go therapies" and wishes that I had told him after a week of getting to know each other. I'm sensitive and if we broke up over this then it would have badly affected me and I would have crushed my future as I would have failed my exams. I might be selfish but I put my well being first before anything.
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    (Original post by Caius Filimon)
    I think him an imbecile for breaking it for either of the two issues.

    1) Breaking up because he learned you have ADHD has no real sense to it. It is a relatively mild condition, and besides, some studies show a large proportion of the younger population having ADHD (don't quote me on that; but I know that many people can also be misdiagnosed with ADHD if they do not behave very complacent in class, at least in the US, and other such arbitrary things). Besides, as mentioned before, he didn't even notice the ADHD previously anyway.

    2) Breaking up because you 'deceived' him is clearly a terrible excuse in this case. a) He should understand you didn't want to wreck your or his exams. b) You love him so you were afraid he'd leave you. c) If he would have loved you he would have been very understanding. Perhaps slightly disappointed, a bit displeased, but in way, shape or form even contemplate breaking up.

    You're better off without him. Unless it's just a phase for him and he'll come round. When you're looking to fall in love with someone, it can't be someone who is afraid 'to lose themselves'. Being in love most often means sharing pretty much everything, as would be the case in living together farther down the road.
    Well to be honest, he did notice symptoms and then I told him. For instance he pointed out I lack attention to detail, I'm not attentive enough, can be forgetful, im not proactive when I'm at his mums and helping out with the food. I think these things can be managed though if he was supportive but no my guy instinct was right and I didn't want to risk failing my exams over him. I always put myself first. I don't think he is the sharing type, he has his preferences and wanted me accept it. I guess because he is more established in life and successful whereas I'm just a school girl.
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    Yeah he seems like a control freak, even those without apparent mental disorders can be psychologically tortured by him
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Both, he said if we had children and they had ADHD "he didn't want them go therapies" and wishes that I had told him after a week of getting to know each other. I'm sensitive and if we broke up over this then it would have badly affected me and I would have crushed my future as I would have failed my exams. I might be selfish but I put my well being first before anything.
    Are you sure you love him if you put yourself first? Anyhow, you made the logical decision, but don't expect him to be happy about it.

    Also, I wasn't aware it was hereditary?
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    Are you sure you love him if you put yourself first? Anyhow, you made the logical decision, but don't expect him to be happy about it.

    Also, I wasn't aware it was hereditary?
    I do love him have bit as far as my mental health, that takes priority. I don't want to have anxiety attacks before my exams because that's what would've happened. He will get over me, whereas I can't turn the clock back and redo my exams.

    It is definitely hereditary, well in my case it is because my father has ADHD and he passed his genes onto me, unfortunayely.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I do love him have bit as far as my mental health, that takes priority. I don't want to have anxiety attacks before my exams because that's what would've happened. He will get over me, whereas I can't turn the clock back and redo my exams.

    It is definitely hereditary, well in my case it is because my father has ADHD and he passed his genes onto me, unfortunayely.
    Well said.

    Overall, I'd say that you would be better off trying to find someone who actually loves you (and truly cares about you) and wouldn't give up on you in such a fashion.

    I guess you could say it was 'wrong' to not tell him, but there was no real alternative.

    All the best! Hope you've done well on your exams.
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    (Original post by Caius Filimon)
    Well said.

    Overall, I'd say that you would be better off trying to find someone who actually loves you (and truly cares about you) and wouldn't give up on you in such a fashion.

    I guess you could say it was 'wrong' to not tell him, but there was no real alternative.

    All the best! Hope you've done well on your exams.
    Thank you It's going to be hard to find someone who loves me as I am. There are a lot of shallow people out there and you wouldn't know if they would still have a serious intention when you open up to them

    Yes I have passed with flying colours!
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    Well even though it hurts you can't blame him for worrying about his future/kids' future and thus breaking up with you. Some people don't mind the idea of being with someone with ADHD but some don't want to deal with potential problems (despite how successfully it can be managed). If this is what he wants then he is not the one for you. He was in love with you without the ADHD. You'd be surprised how quickly a person can turn sour once they find out something about their partner. Be grateful it happened now and not further down the line when you were more invested.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you It's going to be hard to find someone who loves me as I am. There are a lot of shallow people out there and you wouldn't know if they would still have a serious intention when you open up to them

    Yes I have passed with flying colours!
    Niice, congrats!

    And that is indeed so. In the end, sadly, people must learn that they will never not be truly alone in a sense.

    It is very rare that two very empathetic people get together and so know that openness and acceptance should be at the forefront of the relationship. Opening up is exactly what one should be able to do with absolutely no fear whatsoever of being judged by one's partner. But that seems too rare.

    What even worse though is simply being an empathetic person, where you always offer more consideration than you receive, and that really is a pity as it puts strain on the relationship even if the other individual doesn't even notice anything being wrong. Sheesh, I sure do digress a lot.

    All in all, finding someone just right for you is an arduous task, but surely one worth pursuing.

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    (Original post by кяя)
    Well even though it hurts you can't blame him for worrying about his future/kids' future and thus breaking up with you. Some people don't mind the idea of being with someone with ADHD but some don't want to deal with potential problems (despite how successfully it can be managed). If this is what he wants then he is not the one for you. He was in love with you without the ADHD. You'd be surprised how quickly a person can turn sour once they find out something about their partner. Be grateful it happened now and not further down the line when you were more invested.
    Yeah I'm definitely happier that he showed his true colours now and not further down the line. He was more affected with the break up than me. He was scared to lose me to someone else In a few years when I'm a lot better and have learnt to successfully manage my symptoms but he took the gamble because he's not willing to compromise or be patient.

    I don't think one should worry about kids tbh, because 1001 things can happen to them, you can't narrow it down to a specific thing. I have 3 siblings and I'm the only one with ADHD. It's a learning difficulty so it can't be a big deal like physical disability. I think some men are just shallow, he was more attracted to my appearance than seeing my personality shine through which is sad because we were very happy in this relationship.
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    Honestly I expected this to be another Brexit thread..
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    (Original post by Caius Filimon)
    Niice, congrats!

    And that is indeed so. In the end, sadly, people must learn that they will never not be truly alone in a sense.

    It is very rare that two very empathetic people get together and so know that openness and acceptance should be at the forefront of the relationship. Opening up is exactly what one should be able to do with absolutely no fear whatsoever of being judged by one's partner. But that seems too rare.

    What even worse though is simply being an empathetic person, where you always offer more consideration than you receive, and that really is a pity as it puts strain on the relationship even if the other individual doesn't even notice anything being wrong. Sheesh, I sure do digress a lot.

    All in all, finding someone just right for you is an arduous task, but surely one worth pursuing.

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    Yeah I agree it with you, finding someone who truly accepts you and loves your flaws is indeed rare but defiantly worth pursuing. You see he opened up to me about his past and family problems but I was just there comforting him throughout it because I empathised and always thought you would stick by a person through thick and thin times but that wasn't reciprocated back which did hurt.

    I wish I could open up with no fear at all of the person judging me and hence leaving me. Just got to be patient and wait for Mr right and with no rush.
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    (Original post by 13 1 20 8 42)
    Honestly I expected this to be another Brexit thread..
    Lol! Not exactly
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    If you love each other, you should be together! That I know for sure! We also used to split being still in love. It was a terrible feeling. Read this http://exback.how/boyfriend/ and you'll understand a lot. Good luck!
 
 
 
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