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University and relationships

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone has gone to a different university than their boyfriend/girlfriend, and managed to stay together despite the long distance? Or has it forced you to split up? Share any experiences :smile:

, I'm interested to see how things tend to work out!

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Reply 1

john!!

I know lots of people who have stayed together over 250 miles.

Reply 2

daniel_williams

i know of 2 couples who went to different universities and managed to keep strong relationships going, i also know of 2 couples who went to the same university and they've had rough times and one of those couples has even split up, which was a real shocker.

if its a strong relationship where both people are stable then yes it can work out and will work out if you want it to, long distance relationships through university are quite common.

Reply 3

aaaaz

Proud member of the "Been there, done that" club in this instance.

So a summary:

(1:1 - Refers to Year 1, Term 1)

First week is quite easy, especially if your fresher weeks happen at the same time. You're both busy so don't really get time to worry as such. Ours didn't so whilst she was there, I was at home like a wreck. As soon as I met her friends I was okay again.

My first week was easy, she went through the struggle this time. Not knowing who I'm with, where I am and so on.

The remainder of the term is a bit ****ty (IMHO) it's hard coming and going, arriving on Friday night at 11pm, leaving on Sunday afternoon. Your partner starts to change: new views, new accent (!!), new friends and new coping strategies, some of which can really hurt you: ignoring you, being horrible, miserable when your there etc.

Christmas time is nice, first time you spend a lot of time together and it's at this point I think you should evaluate if you both want to stick this out.

1:2 & 1:3

These terms were a breeze, I met some good friends so didn't feel so alone. Had some depressed spells but coped. I found these easier because you have easter and summer to look forward to. At this point somebody called X will come on the scene. You'll have to decide if they're a threat or a really good friend who your partner uses as a social replacement, i.e. somebody they can confide in. Another thing that could happen is that your partners friends could start sprouting ******* about University being about having fun, meeting new people, meeting friends for life and having a partner holds you back. Myself and girlfriend almost split up at this point. She started ignoring me, missing arranged phone calls, cancelling visits and so on.

Summer is awesome and it's a great feeling to see University couples struggle. Especially because all other couples make you sick during term time. Mainly because you're totally bitter!

2:1 - 2:3
I can't really give a good account of this, I was mega busy, she was mega busy. We both had loads of work and exams. The only thing that sticks out is that my girlfriend decided to spend a lot of time at University over the holidays because I was working and she could get more support for exams. We expanded circle of friends and started being more free. Less contact but more organisation.

3:1 - 3:2
Stressy, lots of nasty things get said but you both know you're at the end. At this time you're pro at not seeing each other. Web cams became more useful at this point. Finals are a real bitch, you become the output of stress. If anything goes wrong, it's your fault. Accept this and move on. Don't get hung up and your partner bitching on.

3:3
Finally the end is near. This term flew for me, dragged for the girlfriend. Don't know why.

The end, and they both lived happily ever after and then I decide I want to a P.hD. :biggrin:

Try to be understanding, be clear on what you want. If you don't plan on marrying this person, get rid of them. I know it's harsh but there is no point going though the pain for the occasional visits during University. Having a partner at University makes you different to if you didn't. Some people are cut out for it. I would never cheat on my girlfriend and I'm pretty hopeful that she would reciprocate this. LDR works for me because I like time for myself, I like having the freedom to do what I want, when I want. We can also be totally wrapped up in each others worlds when we want it that way. I do know people who just mess around at University and try to have the best of both worlds. Make sure you go and visit your partner at there place. If they insist that they come to you EVERY TIME, chances are they're cheating on you or have something to hide.

Communication wise we spoke every night or arranged a time to speak if we couldn't i.e. me out Monday, her Tuesday, speak Wednesday. This is easier when you're seeing each other on the weekend. I do know a couple who only speak on Saturday and just text all week. They also made it through! Get things like Skype. Web cams could also be useful, but we barely used ours.

Err yeah, I'm pretty **** at getting thoughts like this out. If you have any Q's just pm or ask here...

HTH.

edit:

My parents were married with kids and spent six months apart due to work! I was at an open day and somebodies mum was telling her daughter how herself and father did three years apart at University and just wrote letters and saw each other at mid-term. These were things I could believe in and helped me realise that I could do it.

Reply 4

Sambola

Thats a wonderful story aaaaz :biggrin:

LDR are defintely possible, and you have some good advice on the whole.. If you don't plan to be together with this person in the future, no point holding onto it. Glad it worked out.

Reply 5

FadedJade

yep, My bloke was already at uni when we got together, so it made life easier as he'd already done his going crazy now he's at uni thing. I never did that when I went to uni, although he was always scared I would. We got through it and everything is fine. We visit often and talk everyday, you have to, as if not you'll go stir crazy. Maybe I've missed out on some things because of it, but I dont care as its a sacrifice I think its worth making.

Reply 6

jenna_is_ace

I moved 200 miles away from my bf when I went to uni.
I ended our 2 and a half year relationship after 2 months of moving because he wasn't making any effort and I wanted to experience uni life to the full. We'd been fighting a lot for the past year too. He was my first boyfriend and I wanted to see what else was out there. I think the move just got me to see that we weren't really suited to each other & I'd been scared of breaking up with him before because I thought there'd be no one else out there for me, which I can see isn't the case when you're surrounded by thousands of other single uni students haha.

Of course I know couples who have stayed together even though they lives miles and miles away from each other and still seem really happy.

Reply 7

emzay

Thanks for all the replies guys, and the advice. It's good to hear some people make it through the distance :smile:

Reply 8

Sianey

My ex and I split about 4 months ago. Although the distance was hard I think it was him changing that ended it in the end. Not in a mean way, just that we grew apart, he was doing different things while I was still at school, and ended up starting resenting not being able to totally enjoy my last year of school with all my friends cos I was going to visit him loads. Still stayed friends though, because we ended it before anyone got bitter. Just happened that we ended up becoming more like friends than anything else after about 6 months of him being at uni.

Reply 9

Hispanic-Impressions

Also "been there, done that."

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, both of which he was at Uni, and I wasn't.
[Actually, I think it's even harder if one person is at uni and the other one isn't.]
Anyway. Yes, it can be done... although ALL my boyfriend's friends at Uni who were in relationships split up with their other halves during the first year.
Communication (as always) is VERY important. Because of the distance, it's a lot easier to start getting paranoid/jealous/worried about little things.

It also depends on the distance .. mine was only 2.5-4 hours (reduced to an hour after the first year) which is manageable. We see each other every week/every other weekend.

I even know of people who have stayed together while living in different countries, so yeah, it can definitely be done. :smile:

Sorry this is so rambly, I'm incredibly tired.

Reply 10

cutandpasteandtwisty

From my experience, very few LDRs last much longer than the first term. Sad as it may be, be prepared for you both to go your own ways.

Reply 11

starfish321

I wouldn't really want to be in a long distance relationship while at University I don't think.

Reply 12

aaaaz

Yes, the odds are definitely against you. Most couples break up because of infidelity or falling in "love" with somebody else. Some are mutual and a smaller minority is down to somebody hurting so much that they can't cope.

I don't know what the "full" University experience is. I did everything my mates did, bar sleeping around.

Distance wise I often did 4 hour train journeys and longer.

At the end of the day, it's totally down to you and your partner. How well do you know each other? This is a really big learning experience and you'll certainly learn a lot about each other on the way.

Reply 13

username47781

It is very manageable as long as you are both willing to put the effort in. Some do last, some don't.

Reply 14

khil

Well, my sister and her bf are still together and they got together after graduation (from the same uni). The bf is currently working in Wales, while my sister studies postgrad in Aberdeen, Scotland. So yeh, it can work :smile:

I also have housemates who are engaged and for the past year, the girl's been in Bolivia, South America, while the guy's been studying in England.

I also know a couple who went to different unis and now they're happily married.

And my parents spent a year apart, dad in HK, and mum with her daughters in England. Still happily married, going on 26 years :smile:

All in all, long distance can work if both man and woman are determined to make it work and are committed. :smile:

You could say I'm "technically" conducting a long distance relationship once a year over the summer holidays lol - bf goes to the same uni as me, but he goes home to Germany, so I won't be seeing him for the next 3 months :frown:

Reply 15

Georgiahoneybee

My boyfriend has just finished his first year at uni, and I'm really happy that we made it.
I agree with Hispanic in that in some ways I think its harder when one person is left behind, especially at the beginning when my boyfriend was creating a whole new life for himself, I was stuck at home with the same old people and the same old routine, obviously really wanting him to be happy, but feeling quite down.
Strangely enough me and my boyfriend had only been together a little under 2 months before he left, we met through a friend and I suppose I just assumed it was a summer fling, and I didn't want to "hold him back" if you like, but he was so keen to give it a go, and so was I. Obviously its really difficult for couples who have been together for a long time, but being in that "honeymoon" stage of the relationship meant I really did miss him.
Also, like Hispanic, all my boyfriend's close friends, the ones he's going to live with, were in a relationship at the start of uni, but have now all broken up- one couple had been together for over 3 years!
So really I think it depends on the couple, not only how much you want it to work obviously, but how university changes you as people. Its almost inevitable you're going to change, but as long as your relationship changes and grows too, I definately think its possible!

Reply 16

lil_lisa86

i got together with my ex before he started uni, he was from sheffield and im from leeds so it was long distance from the beginning. we split up for a few months when he went to uni, as he didnt think it would work, then we got back together again, and were together for 2 years. i happened to go to the same uni as he was at because it was the best for my course and our relationship completely changed. my ex didnt like me going out with my friends and began to mistrust me because of his experiences in the past. in the end we split up after 2 months of me being at uni. we were together long distance for nearly 3 years though, so i do think it can work if you want it to, it just depends how the situation affects people.

Reply 17

Phoenix Wright

My sister has kept her long distance relationship with her boyfriend together for four years of an undergraduate degree and will likely continue it for another 1-2 while she does her MSc in a different city than her boyfriend and I live in. She stays in Hamilton, an hour's train away from here, so it's not too too bad, but they only see each other on weekends even in the summer (Because she lives there and not here).

Reply 18

ClareR

Reading this thread has just made me feel more positive :smile:

My boyfriend is going to Uni tomorrow, (hes in Exeter Im at Oxford) and seeing him drive out of my road when he left mine tonight was one of the most painful things ever. Hurting so bad right now despite having absolutely no tears left to cry !

I start at uni a week later than he does and i know ive just got to give him space to get settled in etc but it will be hard me stuck at home, especially as all my mates have left for uni aswell.
To make matters worse.. he is obviously in mixed halls whereas knowing my luck i was pooled to the all womens college at Oxford... Knowing that he'll be waking up in the same building as other girls whilst im feeling all lonely and stuff in a single sex college is mega mega depressing that i cant even think about it.

But.. like i said this thread helped marginally :P

Reply 19

bunthulhu

Me and my ex had been together for over 2 years, we went to University about an hour and a half apart. We saw each other on weekends (I did 90% of the travelling because he didn't want to), but it didn't work because he changed into a completely different person when he discovered alcohol and uni life in general and then he dumped me over msn 10 days before Christmas with no actual reason. :smile: