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why do people put their partners down? Watch

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    Maybe I've just had a string of bad luck with all the guys I've met, dated and had proper serious relationships with. Maybe I go for the same type of guy, who knows. But with every single guy I've been with, he has always put me down in some way. I have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of myself, despite everyone around me telling me otherwise (and I know being negative and putting myself down isn't fun but I try not to do it too much around my friends). In relationships I've been called ugly, fat, unintelligent, not interesting enough, the list goes on. But the thing I don't really understand is why, if youre with someone then surely youre attracted to them, so if you think theyre so unappealing and have so many bad qualities, then why are these guys with me in the first place?

    And not to sound mean, but I've done some googling on it and the results have varied from its an inferiority complex and the guys are insecure so they fear you meeting someone better so they put you down to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't leave. this certainly applied to one of my relationships, my partner was never happy with any of my achievements and even said he didn't want me to go to uni cos I might "meet someone better". so i was called ugly and put down regularly. i tolerated it until eventually i left. and now i try to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but i dont get *why* these guys think its acceptable to say these things in the first place, do they think its gonna make a girl stick around? youd have to be a massive pushover to allow someone to treat you like that.

    I even dated a guy who criticised me before we were even official, he pointed out my physical flaws on dates and told me he wanted to "change everything about me" - the way I dress, look etc. Obviously I ran for the hills.

    And yes, I know women can be guilty of this too, but I can only express it from the experiences I've had with men.

    maybe some guys can shed a light on it. maybe other girls have had similar experiences. But to have it with *every* guy you date, it starts to become really strange, you think, why are these men trying to make me dump them? why do they think its okay to say these things? and its not just happened to me, my friends boyfriend told her her boobs werent big enough, a comment ive also had thrown at me "i wish your boobs were bigger".

    I just think its crazy that either these guys dont even think these things through before they say them, or they really think that talking to women like that is going to make them have successful relationships.

    If I said anything like that to a guy on a date, I wouldnt expect him to call me again.

    TL;DR: why do guys (and women) make negative comments to their partners, e.g. ugly, fat, small boobs, etc., because if you think that badly of someone then why are you with them in the first place?
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    I think putting your partner down is going a bit far.... maybe talk to them instead.
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    (Original post by archie106)
    I think putting your partner down is going a bit far.... maybe talk to them instead.
    what do you mean?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Maybe I've just had a string of bad luck with all the guys I've met, dated and had proper serious relationships with. Maybe I go for the same type of guy, who knows. But with every single guy I've been with, he has always put me down in some way. I have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of myself, despite everyone around me telling me otherwise (and I know being negative and putting myself down isn't fun but I try not to do it too much around my friends). In relationships I've been called ugly, fat, unintelligent, not interesting enough, the list goes on. But the thing I don't really understand is why, if youre with someone then surely youre attracted to them, so if you think theyre so unappealing and have so many bad qualities, then why are these guys with me in the first place?

    And not to sound mean, but I've done some googling on it and the results have varied from its an inferiority complex and the guys are insecure so they fear you meeting someone better so they put you down to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't leave. this certainly applied to one of my relationships, my partner was never happy with any of my achievements and even said he didn't want me to go to uni cos I might "meet someone better". so i was called ugly and put down regularly. i tolerated it until eventually i left. and now i try to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but i dont get *why* these guys think its acceptable to say these things in the first place, do they think its gonna make a girl stick around? youd have to be a massive pushover to allow someone to treat you like that.

    I even dated a guy who criticised me before we were even official, he pointed out my physical flaws on dates and told me he wanted to "change everything about me" - the way I dress, look etc. Obviously I ran for the hills.

    And yes, I know women can be guilty of this too, but I can only express it from the experiences I've had with men.

    maybe some guys can shed a light on it. maybe other girls have had similar experiences. But to have it with *every* guy you date, it starts to become really strange, you think, why are these men trying to make me dump them? why do they think its okay to say these things? and its not just happened to me, my friends boyfriend told her her boobs werent big enough, a comment ive also had thrown at me "i wish your boobs were bigger".

    I just think its crazy that either these guys dont even think these things through before they say them, or they really think that talking to women like that is going to make them have successful relationships.

    If I said anything like that to a guy on a date, I wouldnt expect him to call me again.

    TL;DR: why do guys (and women) make negative comments to their partners, e.g. ugly, fat, small boobs, etc., because if you think that badly of someone then why are you with them in the first place?
    OP I think you would benefit from some self evaluation and honesty. Maybe you keep going with these kinds of guys because you believe it's what you deserve? Please obtain more confidence in yourself before going with these kinds of guys because you can't rely on a partner to build your self-esteem up.
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    (Original post by AngryRedhead)
    OP I think you would benefit from some self evaluation and honesty. Maybe you keep going with these kinds of guys because you believe it's what you deserve? Please obtain more confidence in yourself before going with these kinds of guys because you can't rely on a partner to build your self-esteem up.
    Yeah Im aware of this, I said that I ditched the guy who told me he wanted to change me. I dont need a relationship to help me gain some self esteem, I need to do that myself, youre right, but Im not looking for a guy to do this for me. But what I'm saying is why do these guys behave this way in the first place, I dont go around calling people ugly fat etc or insulting them in any way, and I especially wouldnt do it to someone Ive been dating for years, who I "love" etc. I know Im maybe attracting the wrong type of guys but these guys usually act super nice to everyone else, so no one even believes me when I tell them the things theyve said and how theyve treated me. :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah Im aware of this, I said that I ditched the guy who told me he wanted to change me. I dont need a relationship to help me gain some self esteem, I need to do that myself, youre right, but Im not looking for a guy to do this for me. But what I'm saying is why do these guys behave this way in the first place, I dont go around calling people ugly fat etc or insulting them in any way, and I especially wouldnt do it to someone Ive been dating for years, who I "love" etc. I know Im maybe attracting the wrong type of guys but these guys usually act super nice to everyone else, so no one even believes me when I tell them the things theyve said and how theyve treated me. :/
    Some people are just asses deep down, it's easy to act nice to the outside world and then the facade falls and crumbles as soon as they're in private. If they act nice to everyone else but their true colours show in private chances are they aren't nice people inherently and you're better off out of a relationship with them.

    Alternatively (and I'm not excusing their behaviour) maybe you are doing something that can incline them to act this way? Do you encourage your partner to disrespect you either knowingly or un-knowingly? Maybe you have a misunderstanding in the relationship arena or social side of things and you may be doing things that can be taken the wrong way?
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    (Original post by AngryRedhead)
    OP I think you would benefit from some self evaluation and honesty. Maybe you keep going with these kinds of guys because you believe it's what you deserve? Please obtain more confidence in yourself before going with these kinds of guys because you can't rely on a partner to build your self-esteem up.
    ThisOP read "hes just not that into you"if a guy is rude kick that **** to the curb :mad:
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    Because they're *****.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Maybe I've just had a string of bad luck with all the guys I've met, dated and had proper serious relationships with. Maybe I go for the same type of guy, who knows. But with every single guy I've been with, he has always put me down in some way. I have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of myself, despite everyone around me telling me otherwise (and I know being negative and putting myself down isn't fun but I try not to do it too much around my friends). In relationships I've been called ugly, fat, unintelligent, not interesting enough, the list goes on. But the thing I don't really understand is why, if youre with someone then surely youre attracted to them, so if you think theyre so unappealing and have so many bad qualities, then why are these guys with me in the first place?

    And not to sound mean, but I've done some googling on it and the results have varied from its an inferiority complex and the guys are insecure so they fear you meeting someone better so they put you down to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't leave. this certainly applied to one of my relationships, my partner was never happy with any of my achievements and even said he didn't want me to go to uni cos I might "meet someone better". so i was called ugly and put down regularly. i tolerated it until eventually i left. and now i try to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but i dont get *why* these guys think its acceptable to say these things in the first place, do they think its gonna make a girl stick around? youd have to be a massive pushover to allow someone to treat you like that.

    I even dated a guy who criticised me before we were even official, he pointed out my physical flaws on dates and told me he wanted to "change everything about me" - the way I dress, look etc. Obviously I ran for the hills.

    And yes, I know women can be guilty of this too, but I can only express it from the experiences I've had with men.

    maybe some guys can shed a light on it. maybe other girls have had similar experiences. But to have it with *every* guy you date, it starts to become really strange, you think, why are these men trying to make me dump them? why do they think its okay to say these things? and its not just happened to me, my friends boyfriend told her her boobs werent big enough, a comment ive also had thrown at me "i wish your boobs were bigger".

    I just think its crazy that either these guys dont even think these things through before they say them, or they really think that talking to women like that is going to make them have successful relationships.

    If I said anything like that to a guy on a date, I wouldnt expect him to call me again.

    TL;DR: why do guys (and women) make negative comments to their partners, e.g. ugly, fat, small boobs, etc., because if you think that badly of someone then why are you with them in the first place?
    Hey I can tell you not all guys are like this. My boyfriend has only ever tried to changed 2 things about me. one being for me to be less shy and the other to try to make me happy all the time it seems like youre attracting that kind of guy which isnt good. Maybe you could try being really close friends before dating them to see if they put you down. make sure you let them know its not acceptable when they do (guys sometimes put each other down as a joke so he might just not have thought that girls take it differently) then he has time to change, if not, dont bother with them. You are worth more than that
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    Insecurity, immaturity, power, disrespect, selfishness manifesting itself in an inability to support.
    Agree with the people who say you are picking the wrong type of guy.
    Also you may need to address your secondary response and speed of dumping them if you failed to spot the put down tendencies in your initial screening.

    There is no reason any individual should put up with it. There are enough people in this world ready to put you down, so you need support and loyalty from someone who professes to be in a relationship with you. Dont dwell on it, just get it sorted and enforce your standards.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Insecurity, immaturity, power, disrespect, selfishness manifesting itself in an inability to support.
    Agree with the people who say you are picking the wrong type of guy.
    Also you may need to address your secondary response and speed of dumping them if you failed to spot the put down tendencies in your initial screening.

    There is no reason any individual should put up with it. There are enough people in this world ready to put you down, so you need support and loyalty from someone who professes to be in a relationship with you. Dont dwell on it, just get it sorted and enforce your standards.
    yeah I have changed how quickly I end things from my first few relationships, that has been a huge learning curve for me. like that guy who I dated and who said he wanted to change me appearance etc wise, I immediately pulled away and ended it there. I walked out on him! which felt like a very proud moment, to walk away and leave and never come back. we were meant to spend the day together as we'd made plans then he said that so i just left him.

    its difficult though if the guy acts fine at the beginning then down the line he says things and suddenly changes. but people do change in general i guess...

    yeah. i think its just annoying cos it has put me off relationships because these seem to be the only type of guy i attract, and its becoming annoying and difficult to remain positive and have hope that a genuinely nice, normal person will come along. i guess i can only wait and see. im more important right now anyway, im doing really well in life and having a relationship is only a bonus, its not a necessity. but youre right, i need someone who supports me, its strange cos ive never had a guy be proud of my achievements or be happy for me, they seem to have just been anchors or dark clouds weighing me down. screw them.
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    I don't have any magical words of advice, I just wanted to post to tell you I totally get what you mean. I'm a girl with the exact same relationship pattern as you - for some reason have happy relationships for a few months and then the guy starts putting me down, telling me I need to exercise and my clothes aren't good enough and I need to dress better or my boobs are too small (I've had that too) I'm not good in bed, blah blah blah. I've lost count of the ways I've been insulted, and I got sick of it too. 99% of other people tell me how gorgeous and funny blah blah I am yet my boyfriends seem to always want to put me down!

    I started to feel the exact same way as you - that men are just a dark cloud over me! Since I stopped bothering with dating, I've got a fantastic job and bought my own flat. Plus my friendships are healthier than ever and I've got zero drama in my life. I decided not to try and if a lovely guy drops into my lap then great, but I don't need any more negative energy in my life sucking the soul out of me, I'm actually at my happiest when single. I would advise you to do what others on here have told you - get faster at dumping them and get happy in your own life and I wish you lots of happiness because nobody deserves to be insulted the way you have.
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    1) Because they've issues that manifest negatively

    2) Because they're sadistic and get kicks out of making others feel bad/small

    3) Because they get used to the idea that it's acceptable/they can get away with it
    • #1
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't have any magical words of advice, I just wanted to post to tell you I totally get what you mean. I'm a girl with the exact same relationship pattern as you - for some reason have happy relationships for a few months and then the guy starts putting me down, telling me I need to exercise and my clothes aren't good enough and I need to dress better or my boobs are too small (I've had that too) I'm not good in bed, blah blah blah. I've lost count of the ways I've been insulted, and I got sick of it too. 99% of other people tell me how gorgeous and funny blah blah I am yet my boyfriends seem to always want to put me down!

    I started to feel the exact same way as you - that men are just a dark cloud over me! Since I stopped bothering with dating, I've got a fantastic job and bought my own flat. Plus my friendships are healthier than ever and I've got zero drama in my life. I decided not to try and if a lovely guy drops into my lap then great, but I don't need any more negative energy in my life sucking the soul out of me, I'm actually at my happiest when single. I would advise you to do what others on here have told you - get faster at dumping them and get happy in your own life and I wish you lots of happiness because nobody deserves to be insulted the way you have.
    Sorry to hear you've been through the same thing as me, but it's also kinda good to know I'm not alone. That's great your life if going well by the sounds of it, yeah I think being single and focusing on me is the best, I did that for a while and wasn't bothered about finding a guy, I was much happier doing my own thing. Then years down the line a guy did come into my life, and entering a relationship again was a big deal for me after being alone for so long (not a bad thing being alone). But as expected he was the same, called me fat even though I'm a size 8 and I've been skinny shamed my whole life, can you imagine?! I'm too skinny but I'm also fat, it's funny! I would never mock my partner, ask them to change their appearance or insult them because I wasn't brought up that way... These guys are just jerks
 
 
 
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