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    I've been with my partner for 6 years. At the moment he earns a little more than me (a few hundred a month) but we're both on fairly low salaries. He isn't as good at managing his money as me and has a more expensive lifestyle and I've been happy to let that go and split rent/bills/etc down the middle.

    Pretty soon we have plans to move. The move will set me back in my career but be great for his career. I'm happy to do it, I'm excited to move and right now only one of us can progress career wise and it makes more sense for it to be him and then me (given our respective fields). We are also planning to do some travelling in a years time.

    The issue is that when we move he is going to be earning significantly more than me. He will probably be earning double what I do. I've said that I think we should think about dividing our finances more proportionately but he is furious and telling me I'm being entitled and selfish. My idea would be that we have a joint account we both pay into, and it would maybe be 60/40 or something, I don't expect him to pay in double what I do, but a bit more to represent the extra he's earning. Then that money can pay for rent, bills and travelling eventually. We'd both be left with disposable income for ourselves so we could make our own choices on clothes and personal savings. He thinks that providing I can cover my living costs he shouldn't be contributing anything. He says he would be happy to think about paying a bit extra towards 'fun' things like meals out or paying more towards travelling but he wants to be in control of it and doesn't think it's fair to 'give me his money'.

    His idea makes me really anxious as I feel like if all my money is going on living costs and I have no disposable income I don't want to be in a position where I have to ask for money to buy new clothes or something if I need them. I also don't want any meals out etc to be well he's paying so he chooses when and where we go. I also feel like if we got to the time we were planning travelling and it was a case of him paying £3000 and me paying £500 that would feel extremely unfair and it just wouldn't happen... whereas if we just contributed steadily and had a joint pot it would feel more fair. I also feel like at whatever point I was able to save any money at all he would immediately refuse to pay for anything which will mean I'll end the year in a bad position financially while he'll probably have several thousand in savings...

    I've tried to tell him that splitting things this way is really normal and we've been together SIX YEARS and I'm putting my career on hold etc but all I get is that we're not married, I don't have to come (pretends he wouldn't care about going from living together for 3 years to LDR) and I'm selfish for expecting him to give me money so I can save for nice things.

    Am I being really unfair?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my partner for 6 years. At the moment he earns a little more than me (a few hundred a month) but we're both on fairly low salaries. He isn't as good at managing his money as me and has a more expensive lifestyle and I've been happy to let that go and split rent/bills/etc down the middle.

    Pretty soon we have plans to move. The move will set me back in my career but be great for his career. I'm happy to do it, I'm excited to move and right now only one of us can progress career wise and it makes more sense for it to be him and then me (given our respective fields). We are also planning to do some travelling in a years time.

    The issue is that when we move he is going to be earning significantly more than me. He will probably be earning double what I do. I've said that I think we should think about dividing our finances more proportionately but he is furious and telling me I'm being entitled and selfish. My idea would be that we have a joint account we both pay into, and it would maybe be 60/40 or something, I don't expect him to pay in double what I do, but a bit more to represent the extra he's earning. Then that money can pay for rent, bills and travelling eventually. We'd both be left with disposable income for ourselves so we could make our own choices on clothes and personal savings. He thinks that providing I can cover my living costs he shouldn't be contributing anything. He says he would be happy to think about paying a bit extra towards 'fun' things like meals out or paying more towards travelling but he wants to be in control of it and doesn't think it's fair to 'give me his money'.

    His idea makes me really anxious as I feel like if all my money is going on living costs and I have no disposable income I don't want to be in a position where I have to ask for money to buy new clothes or something if I need them. I also don't want any meals out etc to be well he's paying so he chooses when and where we go. I also feel like if we got to the time we were planning travelling and it was a case of him paying £3000 and me paying £500 that would feel extremely unfair and it just wouldn't happen... whereas if we just contributed steadily and had a joint pot it would feel more fair. I also feel like at whatever point I was able to save any money at all he would immediately refuse to pay for anything which will mean I'll end the year in a bad position financially while he'll probably have several thousand in savings...

    I've tried to tell him that splitting things this way is really normal and we've been together SIX YEARS and I'm putting my career on hold etc but all I get is that we're not married, I don't have to come (pretends he wouldn't care about going from living together for 3 years to LDR) and I'm selfish for expecting him to give me money so I can save for nice things.

    Am I being really unfair?
    I think it depends on each couple,what works for one doesn't work for others, despite my income being below my partners and is likely to always be, until we have kids (even once we're married really) then I want to split everything 50/50 if i m in the situation i can afford to regardless of having much disposable income left afterwards as i just dont feel right spending his wage on anything that isnt shared.
    However, in your situation you are making a career sacrifice for him so i d understand you expecting something in return. Also with his not so budget lifestyle, if that is directly causing the bills to be higher (for example fancier food then i would think it wrong for him not to pay for that, for example i dont eat fruit at all really so my partner pays entirely for that or if he wants a product that isnt from a value range:P ) then he should increase his share.
    I would be asking him, if he would feel different if you were married (and how he plans to finance kids, if you want them)?
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    I think it depends on each couple,what works for one doesn't work for others, despite my income being below my partners and is likely to always be, until we have kids (even once we're married really) then I want to split everything 50/50 if i m in the situation i can afford to regardless of having much disposable income left afterwards as i just dont feel right spending his wage on anything that isnt shared.
    However, in your situation you are making a career sacrifice for him so i d understand you expecting something in return. Also with his not so budget lifestyle, if that is directly causing the bills to be higher (for example fancier food then i would think it wrong for him not to pay for that, for example i dont eat fruit at all really so my partner pays entirely for that or if he wants a product that isnt from a value range:P ) then he should increase his share.
    I would be asking him, if he would feel different if you were married (and how he plans to finance kids, if you want them)?
    I wonder how this will work out long term. I guarantee he doesn't want to go travelling without me as I won't be able to afford it (obviously I could move back home with my mum and be able to save if I didn't live where he needed to be). What's going to happen when we start looking at buying a house or something? Is he going to pay the deposit himself and if so does that mean it's only going to be his house? It just feels silly for me to be living on the breadline while he stashes away thousands of pounds...

    Yeah he doesn't incur any costs for me with his lifestyle, it's more expensive hobbies, he buys lunch out every day, buying coffees etc. If anything I eat more expensive food but like you I currently buy any of my food myself. Neither of us want kids and he's said he'd happily split things if he was married to someone but we're a long way off that... maybe we're just in different places I certainly wouldn't want to get married until we're both settled career wise but that's my only real barrier...I think he wouldn't even consider it at the moment...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wonder how this will work out long term. I guarantee he doesn't want to go travelling without me as I won't be able to afford it (obviously I could move back home with my mum and be able to save if I didn't live where he needed to be). What's going to happen when we start looking at buying a house or something? Is he going to pay the deposit himself and if so does that mean it's only going to be his house? It just feels silly for me to be living on the breadline while he stashes away thousands of pounds...

    Yeah he doesn't incur any costs for me with his lifestyle, it's more expensive hobbies, he buys lunch out every day, buying coffees etc. If anything I eat more expensive food but like you I currently buy any of my food myself. Neither of us want kids and he's said he'd happily split things if he was married to someone but we're a long way off that... maybe we're just in different places I certainly wouldn't want to get married until we're both settled career wise but that's my only real barrier...I think he wouldn't even consider it at the moment...
    6 years and a long way off being married, everyone is different of course but i d be slightly concerned by that, you could go to the registry office for £300 if you wanted to. (In fact if i m not married to my partner by year 6 i would be starting to really worry about the future, but then that's me)
    I m not sure you are in the same place at all really. I presume he knows exactly what your earnings and expenses are? does he also know how much of a pay cut you would be taking? You can do house deeds as tenants in common so that it's acknowledged who paid what towards it but i dont think that would solve things.
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    I think once you're living together as a couple money should be combined, household bills paid and the remainder split equally. Otherwise there's no commitment and you might as well go your separate ways.
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    What about if you move somewhere where you both could afford half ?

    Communication is key here. As much as I know that you would like each person to contribute what they can, I think it's more important to stress equality. From his side , he is earning more, however you are both using equal bills, equal share of the house. Equal everything.

    Trust me. I understand exactly where you're coming from and what you're saying. However, if I was progressing in my career , I'd expect my partner to be happy for me with no strings attached , rather than use it as an opportunity to save their own money and guilt trip me into "oweing" something,since the move is for me.

    Moving forward, I suggest you tell him your budget. Tell him this is how much you can pay for rent per month. If he says that he can match it then great... you are both contributing what you both can afford. If he says he will pay a little extra, then let that be his choice.
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    Well he's told you loud and clear - he has 1) no sense of responsibility towards you, uprooting you and expecting you to sacrifice your prospects for his. 2) no intention of marrying you -6 years tells you everything! and even if he did , he sounds as though this one sided set up would continue. Can you imagine what it would be like if you were pregnant, ill or unable to work? 3) he's a selfish horror.

    The chances are he will meet someone else and suddenly get married and you'll be left wondering what happened and why he wouldn't marry you.

    This is a wake up call for you. Do not make this move, put your own career first and look elsewhere. This man will only bring you unhappiness. Why on earth would you want to follow him anywhere?
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    Differing slightly in the above opinions as I am in a similar situation to you but comfortable with it.
    We've been together 5 years and living together for 1. My boyfriend's income is just under double mine, and he has quadruple the amount of savings. We currently pay equal amounts into a joint account every month out of which comes all rent, bills and food. Any small trips I pay my half if possible where it comes to travel and accommodation, but he often pays for expenses while we are away.

    We are far off getting married as well so don't let comments about that get to you, but I'm only 20 and I'm not interested in having a wedding ever so this doesn't bother me.

    As far as buying a house in concerned, we talk about it often and all of our savings will be combined for a deposit (with some put aside for any decorating etc.), but this won't mean that the house is any less mine than his, as it will be a joint investment.

    We generally don't do anything I can't afford to pay my half for, unless he feels like treating me, and I don't mind it being this way, as we're both saving hard at the moment.

    I'm happy to answer any more specific questions if you have them
 
 
 
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