I have lots of weird stuff in my head. Could be that ive just come off antipsychotics and antidepressants.
I feel uniformly a bit depressed on these pills and im impotent and overweight on them.
I.stopped them and my sex drive is back and my weight is.falling
I keep goinv on hookup sites and realising theyre scams. I tried a regular dating site but have no prospects there since im a dead end worker through mental illness and think it could end in early death or unemployment tbh. Didnt have the balls for tinder but tried hotornot and liked the hot girls but got no likes back. Nit sure how much of that is down to my refusal to pay to use the site's features.to get me more exposure, and the fact i deleted.my photo after about an hour.
Im really fixating on sex and my sexual failure. I hate it.
I mean, if the internet didnt exist, i wouldnt realise how vile people can be about my sexual inadequacy etc as i wiuldnt be interacting with these people or reading their anonymous real opinions. Id probably just think "im a good looking bright guy with an unfortunate illness, and i bet people see this and think it's a shame as it makes my life hard and they probably wish i could be well so i could date them and others and hold a good job". I used to think this way at school.
I think i need to separate my sex appeal from my worth. Im highly intelligent and good at guitar and piano and quite widely read. I have other positive attributes too.
I also would look really good if i didnt have such an appalling lifestyle and medication regime.
I have no sex appeal through mental illness and autism...obviously a social functiining disability is going to inhibit my chances.
I vo through phases of anger and resentment, then depression and self loathing, about my sexual inadequacy.
It's eslecially hard when i see some of the idiots who are doing better than me sexually.
I think im going on hookuo sites as what id really like would be an attractive partner to share a decent life with, but i see this as unrealistic so im trying to deal with my loneliness amd urges by achieiving a hookup. If really isnt me to "hook up". I dont know what im doing. Part of it mivht be trying to rebel against the image i think people have of me as boring and sexually inadequate. My one high school crush, my last crush, accused me of stalki gher when i didnt then sort of mocked me and implied she had no interest, then proceeded to **** loads of guys witbin the space of a few months, leaving me feeling awful and being bullied at school.
One thing ive done over the last 6 years since leaving school is played loads of guitar and im getting to the point where i'm writing songs amd it's getting better and better. Would this be the sort of nerd revenge that would change things for me? If i had a music career? Would i be considered better than other peopke if i did this? It didnt work for elliott smith or kurt cobain tbh considering how it ended for them. Might not even be a realistic option
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Bit mixed up with sexuality etc watch
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- 08-07-2016 01:01
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- 08-07-2016 02:01
You do sound very bright. You recognise some of the things you need to do and not a lot of people can do that. Coming off/switching around medications can be a really tough time, so hang in there. I'm not sure how old you are, but there's still all the time in the world to get back into education if it's something you'd be interested in, if you're not happy with your job and would like to aim higher. You're right about you being an unfortunate guy with an unfortunate illness. You're still a guy though, and whatever is part of you that makes up that guy is still there. Your sense of humour, your skills, your talents etc are still there. Try not to focus too much on sex and finding a partner. We'd all love someone to spend our lives with, of course, but they never seem to come our way when we search them out too hard! It sounds like you're really into your music? That's great! It's awesome that you have a talent and a skill not everyone can master. Maybe if you keep on writing your songs and write about how you feel, you might be able to work through things a little easier. I'm a bit weird when it comes to working out my problems. I don't even always need advice, but I do always need a sounding board. I need to actually tell someone about what's going on and say it all out loud so that I can actually understand it all and figure everything out properly. You might feel the same way if you get what you feel out through music. My brother is in a similar situation to you, and he started DJing. It seems to help him a lot, and he records mixes using music that puts sound to how he feels. It helps him a lot.
One thing though, people on the internet suck. A lot of the time, if they don't understand something and it doesn't affect them in any way shape of form then they'll mock it and make fun. Just because some people in another part of the country, maybe even another part of the world, think badly of you then what does that matter? You're not going to meet them, they're not going to meet you. Often, their lives are a lot easier and that's why they take this kind of thing so lightly. My brother, especially when he was in school and in the two years after he left, had it really badly. We even had to go to the police about it because it got incredibly serious. They're not bad kids, necessarily, but they certainly did not understand a single thing he'd been through. If they did, they wouldn't dare say the things they said to him, or send the things they sent. Focus on trying to make real in-person relationships with people. I know it's difficult, but they're much easier and more realistic in the long term than those of sites and apps like that.
I hope this helps you figure a couple of things out, and things get a little easier for you!