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My best friend has become a recluse who lives through social media :( watch

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    I've known my best friend for 8 years. We used to meet up every week, go to the gym, watch movies together etc. But 4 months ago she became distant and started making excuses whenever we arranged to meet. She even canceled her own birthday after inviting me over to her place. I bought her a card and present but she didn't seem interested. She told me she was going through an "antisocial phase", but recently she joined Facebook and added a bunch of her old friends.

    Now all she does is sit at home on Facebook all day long talking to her friends and posting dramatic statuses, but she rarely wants to go out or meet up with anyone. There have been a few times when she's been out for drinks with her other friends and posted all the photos online. It's hurt me a little because for 4 months I've been trying to see her, but she always gives me vague answers like "yeaah we should meet sometime" or "maybe in a few weeks" etc, but she always ends up cancelling it. Then she'll post something on Facebook like "that dreaded moment when someone asks if you're busy". It makes me very sad. She even quit the gym and bought a treadmill for her home so she never has to leave it.

    She seems perfectly happy being a hermit and communicating on social media, rather than maintaining her real life friendships. I don't know why she's become like this because she's such a warm and funny person -- I just think her self-esteem gets to her. I try and talk to her about it but she seems well aware that this is who she has become and she doesn't have a problem with it. In fact, the more I tell her I miss her company, the more she avoids me

    Do you think she's actually happy or secretly depressed? I feel like there's nothing I can do to make her interested in hanging out with me again.
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    You are coming to TSR to ask for advice, rather than talking to irl friends. Are you sure you're not being a tad hypocritical here?
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    (Original post by Platopus)
    You are coming to TSR to ask for advice, rather than talking to irl friends. Are you sure you're not being a tad hypocritical here?
    Wow. Somebody wants to argue already? Errrm...how is that hypocritical? If you read my post you'd see I have already tried talking to my friend about it. It hasn't worked, thus I ask for advice on a forum entitled "relationships". What is your problem?
    P.S. Please don't turn this forum into a string of pointless arguments. I'm just looking for some genuine advice here. Don't troll. If you have nothing productive to say, please leave.
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    (Original post by bogusoldqueen)
    Wow. Somebody wants to argue already? Errrm...how is that hypocritical? If you read my post you'd see I have already tried talking to my friend about it. It hasn't worked, thus I ask for advice on a forum entitled "relationships". What is your problem?
    P.S. Please don't turn this forum into a string of pointless arguments. I'm just looking for some genuine advice here. Don't troll. If you have nothing productive to say, please leave.
    Sorry, I was joking, but my post did have a somewhat serious point. None of us here know your friend personally, therefore your mutual friends might better be able to help you. I can see that you're concerned for your friend but if she continues to refuse to meet with you, there's little you can do. Perhaps you could ask her parents if she is ok and express your concern because it sounds as though she may have social anxiety.
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    Just ignore her. I've had this before. They always come crawling back.
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    i didnt read the whole text because it was so long, but maybe you need to find a new friend if hes always intrested in social media than you
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    (Original post by Platopus)
    Sorry, I was joking, but my post did have a somewhat serious point. None of us here know your friend personally, therefore your mutual friends might better be able to help you. I can see that you're concerned for your friend but if she continues to refuse to meet with you, there's little you can do. Perhaps you could ask her parents if she is ok and express your concern because it sounds as though she may have social anxiety.
    It's fine, I've just had some bad experience with posting something online and then it turning into a big debate that has nothing to do with what I originally asked. It's cool. But yeah unfortunately we don't share any mutual friends anymore. They all kind of moved away, so I suppose that's why it bugs me, because I don't really have many other close friends. Her dad's just as reclusive as she is so I think that's where she gets it from. Her mother died a long time ago.
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    (Original post by bogusoldqueen)
    It's fine, I've just had some bad experience with posting something online and then it turning into a big debate that has nothing to do with what I originally asked. It's cool. But yeah unfortunately we don't share any mutual friends anymore. They all kind of moved away, so I suppose that's why it bugs me, because I don't really have many other close friends. Her dad's just as reclusive as she is so I think that's where she gets it from. Her mother died a long time ago.
    That's ok. Actually, my post really didn't come across as I intended and probably wasn't appropriate to the situation.

    A few years ago, I had social anxiety. I did still like my friends but was just too afraid to meet up with them and kept making excuses. Eventually, they gave up on me and stopped being my friends. It's wonderful that you haven't given up on her. She does still like you and her constant rejection of you isn't because she doesn't, deep down, want to spend time with you.

    I know it feels as though she doesn't like you any more and it's beyond the call of duty to expect you to stay her friend. But, if you abandon her, it will damage her confidence even more and make her more reclusive.

    The best thing you can do is to not stop asking her to meet up, even though it may feel hopeless. Send her a message acknowledging how she is feeling and tell her that you are there for her to message and talk to, even if she doesn't want to physically meet up. Maybe you can help her work through it together.
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    I think she's blanking you as she's been out with others? It's obvious. Let her be find another friend who'll appreciate you, her problem.

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    (Original post by Platopus)
    That's ok. Actually, my post really didn't come across as I intended and probably wasn't appropriate to the situation.

    A few years ago, I had social anxiety. I did still like my friends but was just too afraid to meet up with them and kept making excuses. Eventually, they gave up on me and stopped being my friends. It's wonderful that you haven't given up on her. She does still like you and her constant rejection of you isn't because she doesn't, deep down, want to spend time with you.

    I know it feels as though she doesn't like you any more and it's beyond the call of duty to expect you to stay her friend. But, if you abandon her, it will damage her confidence even more and make her more reclusive.

    The best thing you can do is to not stop asking her to meet up, even though it may feel hopeless. Send her a message acknowledging how she is feeling and tell her that you are there for her to message and talk to, even if she doesn't want to physically meet up. Maybe you can help her work through it together.
    Yeah I think you're right. I know most friends would have given up on her by now, but I myself have suffered social anxiety before so I do kind of get why she's being like this. I will probably continue to be there for her... I think the only thing that really hurts me is those few times she's actually out socializing with other people, posting all the photos online, knowing that I've been wanting to see her for ages. I think social anxiety can often make people a bit selfish like that (I know I was). Thanks for your advice anyways
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    (Original post by bogusoldqueen)
    Yeah I think you're right. I know most friends would have given up on her by now, but I myself have suffered social anxiety before so I do kind of get why she's being like this. I will probably continue to be there for her... I think the only thing that really hurts me is those few times she's actually out socializing with other people, posting all the photos online, knowing that I've been wanting to see her for ages. I think social anxiety can often make people a bit selfish like that (I know I was). Thanks for your advice anyways
    That's ok. I know it's irrational, but when I had social anxiety I felt less anxious over seeing people who weren't such close friends and tended to avoid the ones I liked most as their judgement mattered more to me so I feared it most.
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    (Original post by Platopus)
    That's ok. I know it's irrational, but when I had social anxiety I felt less anxious over seeing people who weren't such close friends and tended to avoid the ones I liked most as their judgement mattered more to me so I feared it most.
    That's exactly what she does...goes out with people she doesn't know as well so she doesn't have to commit to them. I just hoped she come round at some point but maybe I'll have to wait a little longer.
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    (Original post by bogusoldqueen)
    That's exactly what she does...goes out with people she doesn't know as well so she doesn't have to commit to them. I just hoped she come round at some point but maybe I'll have to wait a little longer.
    Yeah, definitely sounds like more than her just ditching you. Wish I had better advice but thank you for sticking with her; I hope it pays off.
 
 
 
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