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Terrified of sex because of my vagina watch

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    My labia minora are extremely enlarged and discoloured. I'm 21 and still a virgin for the sole fact that I am terrified of other people seeing my vagina.
    I've dated people, and whenever it's got to the point that we're about to have sex I get scared and lie to get out of it by saying things like I'm on my period. The one time I did let someone go down on me, he never spoke to me again (could possibly be for other reasons, but it's not exactly helped my confidence).

    I know you will say "all vaginas are beautiful" and things like "look at photos of vaginas online and you'll see they're all different" but honestly none of that makes me feel better - I feel disgusted by how my vagina looks and I genuinely don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to let others see my vagina until I can afford a labiaplasty.

    I also know that people will say "if a guy leaves you for how your vagina looks then he's not worth your time" but I know I'll always be thinking about it in the back of my head, even if he says there's nothing wrong with it. I will feel like he's lying in order to make me feel better.

    I haven't even been to the doctor about it because I'm expecting them to tell me all of the above and I don't think they'll allow me to get a labiaplasty on the NHS. It's not like I don't want sex - I actually want it so badly - but this is the only thing holding me back. I just don't know what to do any more. If I wait until I've saved up enough money it'll be when I'm well over the age of 26 because I'm doing a 6 year degree and frankly I'm dreading having to wait that long until I'm comfortable having sex.

    I just don't know what to do. Can anyone give advice please?
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    What degree are you doing?
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    Please don't let this hold you back. It seems like more of a self-esteem issue than anything else. I am telling you now that no person will ever turn down sex with you because of how your vagina looks. You can be 100% confident that they've seen or will see worse. No vagina is perfect, some people consider all genitalia to be the complete opposite of beautiful. It doesn't matter how it looks, all that matters is your, and your partner's, pleasure and satisfaction. You don't need labiaplasty to be confident in yourself and your vulva, but if you feel that it's the only way for you to be happy then you should still talk to your doctor about it. It won't be offered on the NHS, but they might still be able to give you advice about the procedure. If you do go, be frank and tell them that this is what you have already decided and you won't change your mind.

    Good luck, friend.
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    My advice would be to find a really great guy that'll make you forget it or tell you it's beautiful. Ultimately, you need to work on your self esteem yourself as this is what's holding you back.
    Do you know that some guys actually like larger labia? Yeah, it's true. Some find it incredibly sexy, some don't. Much like some people love blonde hair, some love red hair. All personal preference. I have one side that's larger and longer than the other and I was so scared for my boyfriend to see it but he said that he likes it and it's cute so. Even if he doesn't think that, doesn't stop him going down on me so I don't let it bother me!
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    Maybe not the best solution to your problem but have you thought about having a one-night stand? if you pull a drunk guy on a night out he definitely isnt going to stop, look at your vagina and say 'eeew, im not going in there'
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The one time I did let someone go down on me, he never spoke to me again (could possibly be for other reasons, but it's not exactly helped my confidence).
    Ouch.

    I know you will say "all vaginas are beautiful" and things like "look at photos of vaginas online and you'll see they're all different" .. "if a guy leaves you for how your vagina looks then he's not worth your time"
    ..
    I just don't know what to do. Can anyone give advice please?
    All those things are true, of course. Where have you seen pictures of other vulvas?

    What you need is some help with your feelings, not surgery on your labia.
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    (Original post by Cheesypasta)
    Maybe not the best solution to your problem but have you thought about having a one-night stand? if you pull a drunk guy on a night out he definitely isnt going to stop, look at your vagina and say 'eeew, im not going in there'
    I don't really want to lose my virginity to a one-night stand.
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    (Original post by Zarek)
    What degree are you doing?
    Not many degrees are 6 years long so you can probably figure it out. Not particularly relevant to the advice I'm asking for though
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please don't let this hold you back. It seems like more of a self-esteem issue than anything else. I am telling you now that no person will ever turn down sex with you because of how your vagina looks. You can be 100% confident that they've seen or will see worse. No vagina is perfect, some people consider all genitalia to be the complete opposite of beautiful. It doesn't matter how it looks, all that matters is your, and your partner's, pleasure and satisfaction. You don't need labiaplasty to be confident in yourself and your vulva, but if you feel that it's the only way for you to be happy then you should still talk to your doctor about it. It won't be offered on the NHS, but they might still be able to give you advice about the procedure. If you do go, be frank and tell them that this is what you have already decided and you won't change your mind.

    Good luck, friend.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My advice would be to find a really great guy that'll make you forget it or tell you it's beautiful. Ultimately, you need to work on your self esteem yourself as this is what's holding you back.
    Do you know that some guys actually like larger labia? Yeah, it's true. Some find it incredibly sexy, some don't. Much like some people love blonde hair, some love red hair. All personal preference. I have one side that's larger and longer than the other and I was so scared for my boyfriend to see it but he said that he likes it and it's cute so. Even if he doesn't think that, doesn't stop him going down on me so I don't let it bother me!

    It's hard to not feel gross. I've seen other vaginas and none of them look like mine. There's one guy I've been seeing for like 7 months, we do other stuff like blow jobs and I can tell he wants to have sex but I've never even taken my jeans off around him cos I'm so scared of his reaction. He can tell something is weird about me but he's never pushed me, asked or pressured me into anything... But he can say quite judgemental comments about other aspects of my body like if I've gained or lost weight or if I have a few scars or patches in places. So I'm really afraid of what he'll think of my vagina, even if he doesn't say anything
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    Ouch.



    All those things are true, of course. Where have you seen pictures of other vulvas?

    What you need is some help with your feelings, not surgery on your labia.
    I've looked at blogs like large labia project etc, those are similar to mine but I just feel like the number of women with labia like that is a lot lot less than having more normal ones. When we went over genitalia anatomy in uni every single image of real labia that the staff shared with us were small normal labia. None of them came close to what mine look like
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    Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you look at things rationally there are only 3 options

    1 - stay as you are and never have sex.
    2 - have surgery. The NHS won't pay for it most likely but have you investigated how much it costs yo got private? Surely you can get a free consultation at a cosmetic surgery clinic where they can give you a price.
    3- just go and have sea with some and see what happens.

    No one he re will ever give you any suitable advice because there isn't any that you will want to hear.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've looked at blogs like large labia project etc, those are similar to mine but I just feel like the number of women with labia like that is a lot lot less than having more normal ones. When we went over genitalia anatomy in uni every single image of real labia that the staff shared with us were small normal labia. None of them came close to what mine look like
    Yours are normal! And, as you've doubtless seen from LLP etc, appreciated.

    In your place, I'd be furious with the staff, not my body. If your library has a copy, I think the Atlas of Human Sex Anatomy has a section of normal variations. What you're doing is the equivalent of going 'Oh noes, my scrotum is a bit long'.

    You do not have to answer this, but if you spread your labia, how far is it from one side to the other? One woman I know can stretch to nine inches and very definitely does not have a problem with finding partners.

    Talk to someone at a sexual health clinic. They will have seen a lot...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he can say quite judgemental comments about other aspects of my body like if I've gained or lost weight or if I have a few scars or patches in places.
    Unless you really enjoy doing it, stop going down on the idiot.
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    (Original post by Anonymous;[url="tel:66401998")
    66401998[/url]]Not many degrees are 6 years long so you can probably figure it out. Not particularly relevant to the advice I'm asking for though
    Fair point. Well in my limited experience I've seen a fair degree of variation in this aspect of anatomy, from delicate ribbons to more door like structures and as you say with colour variation too. To be honest I find it difficult to think this is a problem. Minges (similar to penises) somehow are not the most aesthetic things but to guys they're intriguing and great. I can't envisage a bad one. And once things get excited those flaps just blend in to the whole show. My thought would be to take some reassurance and to get it on.
    • #3
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's hard to not feel gross. I've seen other vaginas and none of them look like mine. There's one guy I've been seeing for like 7 months, we do other stuff like blow jobs and I can tell he wants to have sex but I've never even taken my jeans off around him cos I'm so scared of his reaction. He can tell something is weird about me but he's never pushed me, asked or pressured me into anything... But he can say quite judgemental comments about other aspects of my body like if I've gained or lost weight or if I have a few scars or patches in places. So I'm really afraid of what he'll think of my vagina, even if he doesn't say anything
    If he's making those sort of comments then I'd say he is 100% not worth the effort. Being honest is fine, my boyfriend will tell me that my tummy is a little big for his liking but he doesn't mind it if I'm happy and that's fine by me, I'm covered in all sorts of scars too and he doesn't care, but those sort of comments can be very hurtful and he needs to think about how judgmental he is being, it's just rude.
    Have a word about that.
    • #4
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    Everything you and everyone else has said here is true.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    even if he says there's nothing wrong with it. I will feel like he's lying in order to make me feel better.
    This is something we all feel about our insecurities, and it's the main thing I think you need to get over if you want to have sex. Realistically a guy is going to look at your vagina and make a judgement on it's appearance - it's just human nature, we do it all the time when we see people (hair, nose, weight, arse, etc. etc.). Genitals aren't very aesthetically pleasing to begin with; I've never looked at a penis and found it pleasing to the eye, but that's never affected how I've felt about a guy or whether I want to still have sex with him or not.

    Basically what I'm getting at here is - yes a guy may not like the appearance of your vagina despite saying there's nothing wrong with it - but it doesn't matter if he's lying when he says that or not. If he still wants to have sex with you despite that then it makes his 'lie' true anyway; there's not enough wrong with it for him not to have sex with you, therefore there is nothing wrong with it.

    The little thoughts and judgements people have about us don't matter as long a it doesn't change how they feel about us. We all have things we know are unattractive or off-putting, despite what anyone else says. E.g. I know the stretch marks on my thighs are ugly and my tiny tiny tiny boobs are disappointing, and I fully expect the guy I'm seeing to think so too - but he says they're fine and it doesn't change how he feels about me or stop him from having sex with me, so it doesn't matter that he finds them ugly/disappointing in the back of his mind.

    You can't decide what someone else finds acceptable or not - just because you struggle to see past the appearance of your labia doesn't mean everyone else will. Whether or not a guy wants to have sex with you or not is completely down to him - you can't decide that for him based on your assumptions on how he'll react to your labia.

    Also, I've just had a little look at the large labia project, and if yours are like the ones on there then you're absolutely fine! None of those vaginas are 'funny-looking' (not that that exists) enough to deter a guy from getting laid!! I think you're underestimating the male sex-drive. After all, plenty of guys have got themselves into trouble by not caring that a vagina was all warty and infected - a pair of clean but perhaps slightly large labia isn't going to faze them at all!

    It might help to get there with someone you've got to know well first so that you're really comfortable with eachother and the relationship isn't centred on sex - that way the appearance of your vagina is less likely to impact how he feels towards you (not that it should anyway) and you're in a better place to communicate to him about your insecurities. Communication and telling him how you feel won't hurt and might make things easier for the both of you - unless he's a douche. Whether or not the guy you've been seeing is the right guy for this is up to you to decide.

    At the end of the day you just won't know until you've tried. You just have to take that leap and go for it even though it's scary.
    (P.S. sorry for the novel that probably makes no sense!)
    xx:suith:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    E.g. I know the stretch marks on my thighs are ugly and my tiny tiny tiny boobs are disappointing, and I fully expect the guy I'm seeing to think so too - but he says they're fine and it doesn't change how he feels about me or stop him from having sex with me, so it doesn't matter that he finds them ugly/disappointing in the back of his mind.
    Most men couldn't recognise a stretch mark if you put them in front of their face - you can probably thank cosmetics advertising for the idea that they do.

    There are also plenty of men who prefer smaller breasts. (As you say, given a woman willing to have sex with them, the vast majority really couldn't care what size of breasts she has.)
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    I have a weird birthmark and its huuuuge on my boob. I was so scared to show anyone but my boyfriends doesn't mind it. As long as you're healthy and you don't put yourself down because of it you'll be fine.If you really dislike it then I guess just make sure the dude doesn't look down. Maybe turn the lights off or put the covers over you two.Best of luck :wink:
 
 
 
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