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I'm horrified and disillusioned at my own behaviour over the past 6 months watch

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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    Hi everyone

    I'm writing this post because I am so confused and it feels like I don't know who I am anymore. 6 months ago depression hit me, and it hit hard. Many things triggered it, which included family issues, loss of religion and being hurt by someone I loved.

    I met a guy online, a guy who would have given me red flags during our first conversation if the circumstances were normal, but they were not. Despite this he was charming and charismatic. I have some very bad trust issues, yet somehow I trusted him very quickly and would talk to him about nearly everything. I began to isolate myself from family and friends, spending my time either chatting with him non-stop or thinking about our next conversation. One day I just stayed in my room and talked to him for 9 hours straight.

    Now that I have been mostly relieved from the depression, I am shocked at the way I have been behaving. I can't stand him anymore and have been ignoring his texts and phone calls some I realised this. He is ignorant, bigoted, desperate and self-destructive (which rubbed off on me to the point that I stopped valuing my own life during this period). Otherwise he could be a nice guy, however these are not things that I usually overlook.

    I need to find myself and move on from everything that has happened but I don’t know how
    . Could someone please give me some advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
    Well, if you aren't depressed anymore, there isn't really anything you can do at this point. It will take time to move on. Nothing can make you forget things easily. Just spend more time with your friends, or doing whatever you like, that way you'll have less time to think about the past.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Well, if you aren't depressed anymore, there isn't really anything you can do at this point. It will take time to move on. Nothing can make you forget things easily. Just spend more time with your friends, or doing whatever you like, that way you'll have less time to think about the past.
    I was in a really dark place at the time and it clouded my judgement. I would cry every day and had to leave class a few times because I felt I was about to break down. Talking to him would bring me some temporary comfort, and I was so desperate for that comfort that I would overlook or make excuses for all the *****y things he used to say and do.

    For an example: I got drunk at his house and he did some inappropriate things, typical of a desperate guy. His behaviour bugged me but I pushed it all to the back of my mind and told myself not to be judgemental. Looking back, I feel that I mus have been crazy not to have cut contact with him straight after that. It makes me worry so much about what else I could do if put in a vulnerable position like that again.

    One of my friends reckons that I should just block him and not look back.
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    I was in a really dark place at the time and it clouded my judgement. I would cry every day and had to leave class a few times because I felt I was about to break down. Talking to him would bring me some temporary comfort, and I was so desperate for that comfort that I would overlook or make excuses for all the *****y things he used to say and do.

    For an example: I got drunk at his house and he did some inappropriate things, typical of a desperate guy. His behaviour bugged me but I pushed it all to the back of my mind and told myself not to be judgemental. Looking back, I feel that I mus have been crazy not to have cut contact with him straight after that. It makes me worry so much about what else I could do if put in a vulnerable position like that again.

    One of my friends reckons that I should just block him and not look back.
    Obviously, I can't judge him because you haven't provided enough information. But if he's as destructive as you claim he is, he might be a psychopath/sociopath so I will say this: I've been in a few relationships with psychopaths and sociopaths before and cutting them out of your life isn't easy. No matter what they do, isn't not easy to leave them, there is something amazing about them, that will always make you want to crawl back to them. However, life with them will always be a never ending roller-coaster. You cannot change a psychopath, and that's it. So you have to make you own decision. Either find someone who really cares about you, or just keep on being a psychopath's playing.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Obviously, I can't judge him because you haven't provided enough information. But if he's as destructive as you claim he is, he might be a psychopath/sociopath so I will say this: I've been in a few relationships with psychopaths and sociopaths before and cutting them out of your life isn't easy. No matter what they do, isn't not easy to leave them, there is something amazing about them, that will always make you want to crawl back to them. However, life with them will always be a never ending roller-coaster. You cannot change a psychopath, and that's it. So you have to make you own decision. Either find someone who really cares about you, or just keep on being a psychopath's playing.
    That may be a possibility but it's OK; I know for a fact that I don't want him in my life anymore, I am just not sure whether or not I should just cut ties without saying anything. I have given up on trying to help/change people who won't help themselves so I won't try it with him.

    The main issue is that now that I have a clearer head, I am struggling to come to terms with all of the months that I have wasted; precious time that I could have spent improving my life. It feels like a gap that I can't fill, and I don't want something like this to happen if I'm unlucky enough to fall into depression again.
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    That may be a possibility but it's OK; I know for a fact that I don't want him in my life anymore, I am just not sure whether or not I should just cut ties without saying anything. I have given up on trying to help/change people who won't help themselves so I won't try it with him.

    The main issue is that now that I have a clearer head, I am struggling to come to terms with all of the months that I have wasted; precious time that I could have spent improving my life. It feels like a gap that I can't fill, and I don't want something like this to happen if I'm unlucky enough to fall into depression again.
    6 months isn't really a long time. I've wasted years, if that makes you feel any better. Anyway, I think you should just tell him. Cutting someone off without telling them anything is quite cruel. He'll spend forever wondering. Not many people deserve that.
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    Hmm, the whole issue seems complicated to me. Why did you feel as if he was ignorant and a bigot? Was it something that you gradually thought about him over time or was it something in particular that he said that triggered this thought about him?
    In a way, I can relate. It's annoying when I meet someone that has the potential to be a good friend to me, only to then realise that most of the things that they say either comes across as ignorant/immature. It happens, you realise how trash they are and then you move on.
    If anything, you should be thankful that you realised how he is now, rather than dating him and then 2 years down the line he exposes his true colours and displays he's character.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    6 months isn't really a long time. I've wasted years, if that makes you feel any better. Anyway, I think you should just tell him. Cutting someone off without telling them anything is quite cruel. He'll spend forever wondering. Not many people deserve that.
    You're right, I guess I'm just a bit worried about his reaction and don't want to end up changing my mind because I feel guilty. If I just send an email explaining everything, it would be easier than a phone call.

    Thanks . I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    6 months isn't really a long time. I've wasted years, if that makes you feel any better. Anyway, I think you should just tell him. Cutting someone off without telling them anything is quite cruel. He'll spend forever wondering. Not many people deserve that.
    I was thinking this, at least she found out now rather than finding that out years down the line.
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    (Original post by loveleest)
    Hmm, the whole issue seems complicated to me. Why did you feel as if he was ignorant and a bigot? Was it something that you gradually thought about him over time or was it something in particular that he said that triggered this thought about him?
    In a way, I can relate. It's annoying when I meet someone that has the potential to be a good friend to me, only to then realise that most of the things that they say either comes across as ignorant/immature. It happens, you realise how trash they are and then you move on.
    If anything, you should be thankful that you realised how he is now, rather than dating him and then 2 years down the line he exposes his true colours and displays he's character.
    It wasn't a one off or anything, he would say ignorant things all the time. It was the way he would trash other countries and the people from them all the time, declaring European culture to be superior. Whenever I would talk about all the different countries I had been to and wanted to visit, he would ask why I wanted to visit such ****holes. Pretty much any country that isn't in Europe or North America is a ****hole to him (when funnily enough he hasn't been outside of those regions). He said a lot of other, similar ignorant things that I would argue with him about, but then after a while I would let it go.

    You're right; looking back I wonder what I saw in him
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    You're right, I guess I'm just a bit worried about his reaction and don't want to end up changing my mind because I feel guilty. If I just send an email explaining everything, it would be easier than a phone call.

    Thanks . I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.
    Well I imagine he won't be too happy but it's your life, so don't let it bother you too much. Oh and it's fine, I've learnt my lesson, at last.
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    It wasn't a one off or anything, he would say ignorant things all the time. It was the way he would trash other countries and the people from them all the time, declaring European culture to be superior. Whenever I would talk about all the different countries I had been to and wanted to visit, he would ask why I wanted to visit such ****holes. Pretty much any country that isn't in Europe or North America is a ****hole to him (when funnily enough he hasn't been outside of those regions). He said a lot of other, similar ignorant things that I would argue with him about, but then after a while I would let it go.

    You're right; looking back I wonder what I saw in him
    Oh he does sound very ignorant indeed. Be glad you dont have idiots in your life like that anymore.
    The best thing to do is forgive yourself for even getting slightly close to this guy. Like I said, it's better you knew how he was now than like years down the line.
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    (Original post by loveleest)
    Oh he does sound very ignorant indeed. Be glad you dont have idiots in your life like that anymore.
    The best thing to do is forgive yourself for even getting slightly close to this guy. Like I said, it's better you knew how he was now than like years down the line.
    You're right; it could always be worse. Thanks
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Well I imagine he won't be too happy but it's your life, so don't let it bother you too much. Oh and it's fine, I've learnt my lesson, at last.
    That's true
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    Hi everyone

    I'm writing this post because I am so confused and it feels like I don't know who I am anymore. 6 months ago depression hit me, and it hit hard. Many things triggered it, which included family issues, loss of religion and being hurt by someone I loved.

    I met a guy online, a guy who would have given me red flags during our first conversation if the circumstances were normal, but they were not. Despite this he was charming and charismatic. I have some very bad trust issues, yet somehow I trusted him very quickly and would talk to him about nearly everything. I began to isolate myself from family and friends, spending my time either chatting with him non-stop or thinking about our next conversation. One day I just stayed in my room and talked to him for 9 hours straight.

    Now that I have been mostly relieved from the depression, I am shocked at the way I have been behaving. I can't stand him anymore and have been ignoring his texts and phone calls since I realised this. He is ignorant, bigoted, desperate and self-destructive (which rubbed off on me to the point that I stopped valuing my own life during this period). Otherwise he could be a nice guy, however these are not things that I usually overlook.

    I need to find myself and move on from everything that has happened but I don’t know how. Could someone please give me some advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
    Not really sure what the problem is. You have got your depression under control. If not try and deal with it.

    If you think he is a bad influence then drop him either slowly or quickly. Up to you how much you want to tell him one way or another, but i'd look for the most productive and least destructuive way you cna extricate yourself.

    Learn from whats happened, mend any bridges and then move on by filling out your schedule with things to do and targets to meet.

    Not sure if you need counseling, juts list your issues and then see which ones you can deal with . You can obviously use this experience and new knowledge about yourself, when you meet other people. Six months isnt too long. Don't worry.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Not really sure what the problem is. You have got your depression under control. If not try and deal with it.

    If you think he is a bad influence then drop him either slowly or quickly. Up to you how much you want to tell him one way or another, but i'd look for the most productive and least destructuive way you cna extricate yourself.

    Learn from whats happened, mend any bridges and then move on by filling out your schedule with things to do and targets to meet.

    Not sure if you need counseling, juts list your issues and then see which ones you can deal with . You can obviously use this experience and new knowledge about yourself, when you meet other people. Six months isnt too long. Don't worry.
    I guess it's just the struggle of trying to go back to normal after isolating myself and feeling so sad and numb. One of the things I fear the most is falling back into that harmful routine and becoming vulnerable to someone I would have otherwise not associated with again.

    I have been to counselling and strongly believe that it was one of the things that helped me get out of depression. I have moved cities again so can't see the same counsellor, but will go to my doctor for regular checkups. Thanks for always giving good advice
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    When you lose your religion you have to find your feet, you don't get spoon-fed easy answers and told what to do, so you can see the situation as a total waste and I don't expect you to see it as a joyous chapter of your life, but you can also see it as something which will end up creating a version of yourself which is that much stronger and more adult than who you were in the past.
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    It wasn't a one off or anything, he would say ignorant things all the time. It was the way he would trash other countries and the people from them all the time, declaring European culture to be superior. Whenever I would talk about all the different countries I had been to and wanted to visit, he would ask why I wanted to visit such ****holes. Pretty much any country that isn't in Europe or North America is a ****hole to him (when funnily enough he hasn't been outside of those regions). He said a lot of other, similar ignorant things that I would argue with him about, but then after a while I would let it go.

    You're right; looking back I wonder what I saw in him
    Anyone declaring any culture is superior is ignorant.
    At least you realised he was a bigot.
    I hope and pray you find a kind,loving,respectful,comfortin g,bubbly,cheerful,happy partner who makes you feel like a Queen
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    (Original post by WBZ144)
    That may be a possibility but it's OK; I know for a fact that I don't want him in my life anymore, I am just not sure whether or not I should just cut ties without saying anything. I have given up on trying to help/change people who won't help themselves so I won't try it with him.
    I've had a similar situation. Last year I reconnected with a girl who I had known for a few years. I always had a soft spot for her, but I knew she was no good (sociopath). I adored speaking to her, though. I told her I'd talk to her forever if I could, and our friendship was more of a flirtationship at times, but she was a head****.
    Then after 6 months things went downhill. I got tired of her ****; she knew that her mentioning other guys all the time made me uncomfortable, yet purposely did it, ALWAYS talking about guys she's slept with/guys stalking her/hitting on her/etc. Just always talking about other guys???
    I mean, I guess it did make me jealous at times, but more than anything it was disrespectful to turn our convo into something about other guys a l l t h e t i m e.

    You get to a point where no matter how much you like someone, their **** gets too much and you eventually leave them.
    I stopped bothering with her and wanted her out of my life, while she'd message me all the time.

    The final straw was a day when I was v upset as I'd received a **** grade in my final year of uni, and before I received it I was venting to her about it. Then afterwards, she didn't even ask me about my grade or anything, she was so self absorbed and started talking about some guy who fancies her and sent me screenshots of a guy saying "some people have spread a rumour that we're dating" and that was it lol I was just like hahaha then after her reply I read and didn't message back.

    That was the last time we messaged each other. We literally just stopped talking all of a sudden after 6 months of talking everyday, there was no explanation from either of us, but I'm so glad she's out of my life. She was toxic asf.

    Don't feel like you need to give this guy an explanation when you leave his life. Just do it.
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    well you can't undo the past...

    what you can do is block him and cut contact to help you move on, focus on living your life to the full to make up for missed time - take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, see friends, spend quality time with family etc, and try and make sure you've got a plan for if this happens again (e.g. warning signs) so next time you can avoid it
 
 
 
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